Decision time

Hi everyone im so glad I found this site because I was beginning to buy into my ADHD husbands belief that im a rediculous person for asking him to spend time with me! We have been married 7 years and no kids luckily! I have been thinking about leaving because I am getting lower and lower on his priority list I think. Computer and Internet come first where he spends a lot of time. He doesnt know he spends so much time on there because he has no sense of time at all. He can be on the computer for a whole day, then complain about how he got nothing done! And then im rediculous for wanting to spend a little time with him. Do u guys get this? When hes with me, he yawns the entire time and looks so bored I just tell him to leave! And then yay, he gets to go back on the Internet and suddenly he's not tired any more.

Maybe he can marry the computer. Oh, and I think it should be ILLEGAL for ADHD people to have cell phones! Text messages come flying in all the time and he just cant resist! And he just got a new iphone and you can imagine what thats doing to our marriage!

At this point hes so focused on fixing ME and not on him. Every problem in our marriage its because of me. Im too demanding, im too needy, im being rediculous. Oh he will admit he has ADHD and problems, but theres no plans on changing. He will say "yes I spend a lot of time on the computer and I shouldnt" but guess what, 5 minutes later hes back on the computer.

If I spend that much time on gambling or alcohol or porn, he will say I have an addiction!!

He thinks he is so in control of his life when I think he has so little. His priorities are out of order. He likes to tell me all my flaws and blame the marriage problems on me. I admit to my problems. But Im not 100% to blame. But I dont have ADHD so I am expected to make the changes. He has ADHD so he cant change. He says he will try (at least for a day, then he loses focus) but its such a tough thing to overcome, basically it would be easier for me to fix my problems and require less attention from him.

Maybe that's what I need, is less attention from him and more attention from a better man who deserves me. I am no prize but I know Im a good person. I have my needs. Even though I still seek attention from him, by him not giving it to me, I have had to deal with putting my own needs aside.  I feel like I am trying to squeeze a dried piece of fruit and hoping for juice to come out. I try and try but it might just be impossible for me to get what I need out of his marriage.

I love him so much and when when hes focused on me, its amazing. Im on cloud 9. He can be such a wonderful person but I cant tell him that because Im afraid he will think Im being over bearing.

Finding this website I have to say it gives me hope to make this work. I don't want to just throw 7 years of marriage away and go through the whole divorce process without trying everything to save this. But I feel like im doing all the work. I am researching and learning so much about ADHD so I can understand him better. So if hes not willing to do the work I dont think this marriage can work. Even if he does work on it, are we in the end still compromising on our wants and needs? Am I just better off without him? 

Hi. I'm sorry for what you're

Hi. I'm sorry for what you're going through...you're definitely not alone.

First, go to Melissa's Favorites here (upper right corner) and do some reading. Send him links (or copy & paste info if you don't think he'll come here to read). One of the first ones I sent my husband was titled something like "for husbands who don't think your ADHD effects your marriage"

It is probably true that you both have things you need to work on but if you're willing to acknowledge your weaknesses and he's not willing to acknowledge his, then nothing will change..on his end, anyway. If you've read enough, you know that you're stuck in the classic vicious cycle of 'it's all your fault' where both parties are too busy blaming EVERYTHING on each other and taking no responsibility for their own actions. Where you're going wrong is by letting him trample on your boundaries...what you need from him in order to be happy..and letting him get away with it. You're enabling him.

Is counseling something he would agree to? You would do best finding a counselor who has experience with ADHD. Even if he won't go, you need to go for yourself. You need to decide what you need from him and make clear the consequences of him not giving that to you. At this point, if he would agree to get some therapy started (counseling, meds) that would be a start.

Best of luck! Sherri

You're not alone! I'm in the same boat!

Oh, I'm so frustrated!  I've been dealing with being blamed for 21 years!!  Yes, 21 years!  I feel like leaving at least 1 - 4 times per month.  Today and this week I've been told I have to be a lower priority (well actually I was told this all through martial therapy) because he needs to put all his focus 24x7 into his job.  And boy does he ever!  He lives on the couch literally with his laptop.  My daughter and I are completely ignored and are just annoyances.  He takes Adderall and that helps him, but there will always be something - always some reason to take us for granted.  It just feels like pure abuse.  I understand his disorder but I've given him soooo many chances to get help, have me help him, but he quit marital therapy, will not accept help organizing his schedule from me or anyone else, gets us into financial trouble (well everything costs more) because he has to go around the rules and create his own budget short cuts at work, and we usually take the hit.  Life in general is just all about him. Completely self focused.  I have really been reaching my wits end.  I had hope for a while but I'm really losing it.  We can talk and talk and talk about it - but he won't change or even try.  So I think he's just better off on his own and I could be free of this immense frustration!

Same Here only 29yrs

WSmy99

29 yrs here and I used to believe I was to blame or he was just self centered etc. When my daughter ended up in consoling her senior year senior year that was when I really started to doubt the blame game. Yes I had created my own reactions to his behavior (which didn't help because they were reactions out of frustration) BUT he is unwilling to accept any blame for financial issues ( I spend all the money), relationship issues, issues with kids (what did you fight about now?).

He focuses on work just fine because when he would come home he would be totally uninvolved with anything. If he got involved it was a fight waiting to happen. Towards the end he could focus on something @ home for a short time (game of checkers if not to long) but family game night forget it! He wanted game done before it started heaven forbid we play something like Monopoly!

While I am stressed on the financial part of being divorced the change I see in myself is a positive. I start individual sessions myself on Monday to work thru the issues I have related to the relationship and the years I put into dealing with it.

Re: Same here only 29yrs

Wow, Melly49 - sounds like he was completely detached. Yep that's what I get to.  I feel like I'm on my own.  There was one time this past year he literally did not even look at me for 4 days - yes, I counted the days 4.  He sat in the chair doing his work.  So you are  a lot happier since the divorce?  Is he able to manage his life on his own?  I'm also really tired (I just need to vent!) of being the one to try and have conversations about this or hey about anything in general.  I'm so tired of reading about the topic and giving him information to help us.  I've tried very hard to be compassionate, non-judgemental, supportive, and things will be good for a while and then totally inconsistent - he goes right back at it.  I know what it is and try so hard to have compassion but when he turns my life upside down - like me rushing home from work early to take care of our daughter and then he decides not to go into that meeting afterall...and does not at least apologize for it...oh, and that's just minor there's been so much, much, more....

sorry to hear about what you are feeling

First, he needs to acknowledge that he has a problem with his computer use.

You need to specifically state, or better yet-- write, what your objection to his behavior is, dont assume he should know what the problem is, here is the truth-- we dont, we always think you are overreacting or making a big deal over nothing.

What seems like normal social circumstances I am often so distracted or oblivious that I botch it completely.

ADHD and computers are a bad combination, and a cure for boredom for a brain running at full out.

Next, get him doing stuff.

A great thing to do is exercise since it really helps balance out the mind and body, the computer could not hold my attention for one second if my wife approached me in a certain way.

Get him some books to read about what he can do, or send him emails that he will see.

He needs to realize he has a problem, and that you are willing to work with him if he works on it too, but if he isnt willing to work on himself you shouldnt be either. This is fair.

I am the ADHD spouse, so I realize my problems, my difficulty is magnified by my wifes inability to understand that I dont understand, and that I dont innately know what she wants or expects in many situations. So I plod around, screw up, or totally miss things that other people dont. 

None of this is intentional, but from her perspective, its frustrating, and thats where I think you are.

To be blunt, you have to communicate better to make up for his lack or inability to communicate, by telling him specifically what your expectations are. He also needs to hear the wake up call that you are unhappy with your marriage, and then specifically state why, dont say things like everything.. to me that means you dont know why you are unhappy, or you are being over emotional.

I hope that helps.

 

 

 

 

 

ajt

Ajt,

thanks for the view from the other side, can u give some insight as to what to do when nothing works and the ADD spouse doesn't admit to having a issue? When you can't have a decent conversation unless it is about the weather or something else trivial like that? When you are sitting in the rubble of a relationship and that ADD person is putting the children of the relationship in the middle of the breakup and refuses to do anything in regards to the ADD because he is happy how he is.

In any relationship or life

In any relationship or life matter problems start small and end up big.

I am willing to do whatever I am capable of doing to keep my marriage so for me I lack his perspective.

At the same time 100% of our marital problems are not my fault, as I am sure is the case with most marriages.

Sometimes my wife actually is over reacting, sometimes she actually did forget something.

Either way he doesn't need to accept your diagnosis to comprehend that you are unhappy with your marriage. You need to make that understood, whatever it is you dont like it and state specifically how you would like to see it change.

I asked my wife to list my immature traits one time, I took the list printed it out and put in a place I could refer too.

I can also say, knowing your situations that there are certain times when I am not reachable. After a long day at work forcing myself to focus I am pretty much not ready to take on anything else until I gathered myself back up, eaten dinner and decompressed.

I dont like to be set seige upon as soon as I walk in the door, take these type of things in consideration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your responses

Thank you for your responses, everyone, and especially to ajt for sharing the other view of the situation. I have tried to communicate with him and sometimes it will get through to him, sometimes Im being yelled at for not focusing on my own problems and trying to blame him. It is like a guessing game.

I have tried talking to him in person and in email. I dont know if email works very well because I think he just skims over my email and not read it in detail.

When I do get through to him he admits to ADHD and all the issues, including all the time spent on the computer and he will work on it for a day or two then he goes back to his old ways. 

We have tried couples therapy but it gets really expensive really quick and we can only afford a few sessions. I was hoping the therapy sessions will help us communicate and we can work the rest out on our own but that didnt work. It was more of the same thing. Him blaming me, Im blaming him, and the therapist looked at me and asked me why Im so needy. Im starting to believe it. I think I see him for about one hour a day. Maybe two. And those times are usually for supper and maybe some "jail time" that he has to do to spend time with me. He is in front of the computer for about 5 hours. And all day on the days when hes off from work.

I remember once the electricity went out, and it was great. He was forced off the computer. Now he just bought an iphone so thats not even an option! So frustrating!

Im going to read more about this and try to understand that "he doesnt understand". That seems to be the common theme on this website is ADHD spouses dont see things the same way. So Im going to figure out how to deal with this and bring it up to him one last time and see what happens.