I've spent 2 years constantly fighting my ADHD husbands false accusations of mental illness. Beyond just yelling "You're crazy!" as soon as I express a concern or pain I've been caused by H's actions and behaviors. Here is the pattern:
Husband behaves outside of the scope of a reasonable person and or crosses boundaries.
Wife is hurt by the action and states that she feels (insert emotion) when H does (insert action).
H bristles. He denies the action even if you or anyone else bore wittiness.
W instantly feels confused. We are working in the mind set of a normal brain and normal social interactions. We can't yet grasp that H is denying action despite proof.
W tries again, maybe even redirecting the approach.
H now adds anger to denial.
W is hurt even more.
H deflect and redirects the issue back to the W as the false accuser or cause of the issue.
H must go to last resort to win. He tells you that you are crazy. Not just in the moment emotional (yes that can look "crazy") but places his choice of mental illness labels on you and runs with it. H now needs to protect his ego and image as Mr Perfect. Mr. I Must be Respected at all time and goes public.
Enter the Smear campaign. The Sympathy plea. The careful creations of lies, omissions, redirects, facts that may be true but taken out of context, deflections to unhelpful questions that do not support his goal. If you (friend/coworker/family) will not provide input that supports my claim, I will ignore you. And add in a dash of "I am the perfect husband." and list all the things you do or don't (true or false) to make your point.
In the background, H is telling W lies about friends and family. Things that hurt her or make her choose between her husband or others. H runs everyone out of W's life. He guilt's her into isolation. He makes her believe that if the marriage fails, it is her fault. He breaks her self esteem by carefully combining insults that often look like he's joking, by comparing you to other women and giving you tips on how you could look better and be better, by denying you affection and attention and intimacy and giving it to others. In the end, he has you so focused on meeting his needs and expectations, you leave his faults alone. He will do this so passively that when you see the pattern he will have enough redirects to make you question, "I'm I really crazy?" And hello you have been Gaslighted.
He is in control now.
I truly thought I was the only one dealing with a spouse like this. I knew my H had ADD since we were in high school. I'm the one that suggested he see a doctor about it. I had no idea that there could ever be behaviors like this. He forgets all that I say. He won't help around the house and can not pick up after self. He forgets appointments and instructions. He can't pass a certification for his job to save his life. He can't sit still unless it's for computer or TV. He talks over me, interrupts, changes the subject and get angry if I'm too detailed. He will even forget you are talking and simply walk out of the room. He will not understand you unless you agree with him. These things I get. I don't love and don't need but i get it. The rest. Well, i don't want to be like my H, but I'm going to say he is the one with a mental disorder. It may be more than ADHD. But its ok to say you have that. A mental disorder isn't.
I'm so glad i found this link. It may just save what little wits I have left!