Hi. New user with a bunch of questions. I'll start with the main one -- are defiance and denial part of AD/HD?
My wife has ADD and is on meds for it. There are times where she'll voluntarily bring up problems that she has -- managing money, wanting things 'her' way, etc. -- sometimes even joking about it. But when I try to bring these issues up she goes ballistic -- fiercely denying things she admitted to on a different day and trying to change the subject or pin it on me. I'm extremely careful to not be demeaning or accusatory when I talk to her, but it doesn't matter. She fights me tooth and nail and is often insulting and hurtful.
There are a number of other potential factors -- she has clincal depression (which she's on meds for as well), a terrible relationship with her mother, etc -- but I'm wondering how much of this may be ADD, how much may be another factor and how much may be me (as she often suggests)?
Any personal advice, as well as good articles, books, Web site, etc would be great. Thanks.
Denial and Defensiveness
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You don't mention whether or not you or your wife is getting therapy or counselling of some sort. You mention a number of things that might trigger her defensiveness - hypersensitivity to perceived criticism due to a terrible relationship with her mother, depression, etc. You would benefit most from getting the advice from someone there who can ask your wife questions that may lead to insight.
In addition, I might suggest you read "Beyond Reason" by Fisher and SHapiro. They provide some good guidelines for negotiation and conversations that may help you assess whether or not you are stepping over personal (they call them "core") values that you don't think about normally.
The good news is that your wife is aware of her issues and that at least sometimes you are able to talk about them openly.