Defusing hostility and dismissiveness?

This morning turned into an explosion for the nth time in a row. The last few months our relationship has been deteriorating even further and this week has been so trying I have called into work yesterday and today because I was so jarred and upset by everything. This morning he screamed at our daughter to "Get back into bed" at 6:30 when she woke up. As though she were doing something wrong; when we normally wake up at 5:30. When he came back in our room after stomping away from her I asked him quietly and calmly what time it was. He shouted back, "Im checking right now." It was 6:15 or so. Again quiet and calm, I said, "Honey, you really can't treat her like she did something wrong when she is waking up at a normal time for us." His response was to scream, "Just leave me alone." I closed my eyes and took a breath to help maintain my calm and I said, "Honey, I am talking calmly to you and do not deserve to be yelled at for it." 

Him: "Because you started yelling at me as soon as I got in the room." (At no point did I raise my voice.)

Me: "I am not yelling, I am not picking at you, I am trying to communicate something to you. I don't appreciate being shut down automatically."

Him: "Just let it go and leave me alone." (screamed at the top of his lungs.)

Me: "I understand that you are tired, I just feel like you should go and apologize to your daughter for yelling at her when she wasn't doing anything wrong."

Him: "Im not doing anything." (Screamed)

Somewhere in there he started on a tirade about how if I wouldn't interrupt him he wouldn't get worked up. That if I didn't approach him about things when he came in the room he wouldn't get worked up. etc etc etc... all the reasons my behavior initiated his screaming and abuse when at no time did I raise my voice or talk to him disrespectfully. 

Somewhere in there I expressed how I felt like I was being completely dismissed and disrespected when he wouldn't hear out simple communications from me without trying to shut me down, without screaming.

He left the room to sleep on the couch. Leaving me to wake up and care for our daughter by myself (like happens the majority of the time.) He is still sleeping. I was up with her all night and have fed and dressed both of us now. 

 

I don't really have any hope of making progress at this point but seeing as how I am stuck in this relationship until I can financially afford to leave I feel I may as well see if anyone has suggestions for cutting through the defensive, hostile, and dismissive behavior. I am incredibly depressed that our marriage has deteriorated to this point. I wish I had picked someone better for my daughter and future child's father. She is already picking up his horrible social skills. The top of the lungs "Leave me alone" mantra of his has made a central appearance. She is hostile and horrible when she is upset by things because that is the behavior and language she is absorbing. Thankfully, he has found a way to go back active duty military instead of reserves. So, we only have to live with him for a limited amount of time right now. Then we can just peacefully live while I pay off debt allowing myself to get in a position to finally leave and break myself from this negative cycle of hostility. 

 

Anyway, like I said, since I am here in the meantime, any suggestions would be helpful. Otherwise I suppose I just wanted someone on this Earth to take the time to hear me - since my own husband can't be bothered. 

Lovely people and things

This is what our conversations are like too. Congratulations, Kzookitten, for seeing it in the perspective that you do.  I spent over 30 years thinking that our inability to have a loving, partnering conversation was my fault.( ie: the mom is in charge of the household happiness).  The truth is that one person cannot be responsible for a relationship between 2 people.  Acceptance has been the hardest thing. I hear you.

 

Last night I had a dream that I was in a Jeep driven by DH and we were dangerously careening on bumpy roads.  Our old dog was trying to keep up behind us and sometimes out of sight.  I said to DH, "Slow down and let him catch up." But DH was loudly, excitedly doing his own thing and ignoring my requests.  Then I said, "Oh, he hurt his foot in the garbage and thicket and can't run".  DH still ignored me.  I jumped out and ran to our dog who died in my arms.  And I woke up to the feeling and thought.  "Oh, I have been so focused on DH and where he was/wasn't going, miserably trying to stay in the car with him, and I COULD have been enjoying and spending my efforts and joy with this dear dog all this time. Now it is too late.  The dear dog is gone"

There are people in my life who are LOVELY and LOVING and I am ignoring them in my obsession of dealing with my marriage and trying to make it into something other than what it is. Today, I am going to give myself the pleasure of focusing on the lovely things and people in my life and appreciate them and spend time with them, letting them know I appreciate them.  I will take a break from feeling responsible and just focus on those things that, when they are gone from my life, I would miss.

Standing in the shower

Standing in the shower recently i found myself wondering what kind of mood my DH would be in when he got home from work...a common occurance. Almost immediately I switched gears and got mad. "who cares? My God Sherri...you've been so focused on his mood and worrying about what it will be day to day that you don't even allow yourself to choose a mood for YOU! What is YOUR mood? You've had a good day..let your mood reflect it"  I have unintentionally "trained" my daughter to wonder the same things...and that is unacceptable. This has been my choice...and it stopped that very day...or at least the beginning of the end was initiated. 

she ate my noodles

I am the DH in question here.  She ate my last gourmet spicy ramen noodles (super delicious) out of spite this morning, which gave her indigestion. She hates spicy food.  Because of the eating of my noodles, I had to sit back and think hard about my actions, contrary to the nature of my adhd.  We had a pretty good talk after that.  

Jerkface

Are you saying you are Kzookitten's spouse?  Can I ask why you call yourself jerkfacemcgee?

Thy name

yep. she was poking fun at me and i went with it because it had her laughing pretty good. I don't try to be an ass, so if there is a way to keep her smiling for a few moments longer I usually go with it on impulse. It is probably not the best choice of screen names though. But it is pretty funny.