The degree of pain

I'm having a hard time moving on after divorce. It's been four months since my ADD ex-husband moved out, we text about the children but besides that don't communicate.

Its obvious that the same instant I stopped repairing the relationship, there was no longer a relationship.

I think he wants things to be normal, meaning me being nice to him. He reaches out occasionally, hoping I'm well, and has offered me coffee at his house when I've come to collect children. I decline since I'm hurt.

The thing is, I'm in such pain. I'm hurting so much I feel life is over. There is no normal anymore, since what he's done to me is unbearable. He has either forgotten about that, or he ignores it since he on his part feels safe around me. I know there will never be closure coming from him.

It's clear to me now, he's been transgressing my boundaries for a decade. He didn't repair our love and trust, I always had to do it. It's like the full blast of this accumulated hurt has exploded on me when I finally gave up on our marriage. It's pain on a scale I've rarely felt.

I grieve my entire life as an adult, the losses in every aspect of life, the injustice. The lack of understanding from certain people around us. Nobody but me has actually seen his massive dysfunction. And everyone sees him as a responsible and gentle person. Even those who believe me would have a hard time imagining the emotional outbursts, headless demands and illogical cruelties of his RSD.

Everyone now expects me to lead the way to reconciliation. I'm supposed to erase the conflict so the children don't suffer from it. I'm the one holding a grudge. He either is untroubled, or pretends to be in order to gain something.

It's I who suffer for not repairing. By sitting on my hands I let his hurtful words and actions define the end of our long years together. 

But what to do? I physically cannot make another repair attempt. They are all spent, as is my patience with him. And I cannot pretend someone who has treated me like this is my friend. It's just humiliating.

When will this pain ever end?