Denial - Partner refuses to see there's a problem. Help?

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post, I was going to go through everything but I got a bit over whelmed so I have decided to approach this in parts. 

Firstly a quick opener about me and the situation. :) 

I've been with my ADHD partner for 5 years. Living together for about 3 years. I always knew our relationship was different so to speak, I found myself having to approach arguments, Disagreements, Etc in a different way than I would with anyone else and trying to find the best way/time to communicate and get my point across. 

It's only recently I've realised these communication problems as well as other things could be down to his ADHD. I'm not blaming it for all of our relationship problems but it most certainly affects the way they're handled. I realised this when I was researching how to get help living with an angry partner. I was actually convinced I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I came across this site and I must say it's kind of a relief knowing there could be a reason and it can be managed.  

I never thought the ADHD could be a factor because when my Fiance told me about it I didn't know enough and just took his word that he had it managed, But he hasn't been on any sort of medication or counseling since he was a very young child. After reading a lot of the forums I can relate to so much! I've found myself thinking "You're describing my life!" and after getting some answers from these I tried to communicate this to him which brings me to the first subject I want to discuss - Denial

He is hell bent on the fact no one can help him, He doesn't need medication or counseling and "He is just the way he is" He seems to think things will never change, that they have to change or that he even wants them to!

So my question is; Where do I go from here? 

I feel like I've pretty much hit a brick wall and have no idea how to get him to see things can't carry on the way they are. I deserve to be happy as well. I love him dearly but how can we move forward as a couple if he refuses to see any fault, Never mind get help. 

This is something I want us to do together, I understand he may need help managing this but I also need to be more educated on the subject and we both need to work together to learn how to communicate better. He just needs to realise that first or we'll just continue to go around in the same pattern, Over and over again....

I feel your pain - sending hugs your way!

Hello my friend,

I can totally relate to everything you stated. I've been with my husband for 4 years now and while we were dating his behavior wasn't such a big deal because we did not live together. However we've been married for a year now and living together for 2 yrs. We both have children with ADHD from our previous marriage.  I have 4 children and he has two. Out of my four children, only two have ADHD.  My ex-husband has ADHD and it created havoc in our 15 yrs. of marriage because he was in total denial.

And here I go again....!!!

When I met my current husband I didn't notice the similarities in behavior  between him and my ex-husband right away. It wasn't until we started living together that it all started to unveil. And my biggest mistake was letting my current husband during our disagreements/arguments know how much his behavior reminded me of my ex.. BIG BIG MISTAKE!!! He now misinterprets that as I'm comparing him to my ex which is not at all what I'm trying to do. I have tried over and over to communicate that ADHD is genetic and he has also mentioned that when he was a young boy he was on Ritalin for  "hyperactivity disorder".  He truly believes that this "hyperactivity disorder" is not connected to ADHD and so refuses to believe that he has it. We have constant disagreements that turn into explosive arguments, he is quick to anger, very loud and can become verbally abusive at times. And when I try to calm things down by telling him that my children hear him, to lower his voice he just gets even louder and disregards everything I say. He always blames me for everything and always uses the excuse of that I'm still bitter from my past relationship so this is the reason we can't get along. Before we met I was separated and finally divorced for nearly 6 yrs. I embraced my new beginning like it was I a "newborn" entering the world for the very first time. I was at peace, happy and despite my financial challenges I had my life back!  I hurt so badly because I'm now again reliving somewhat the same life I just came out of.. I must admit my ex-husband was very violent towards me, not loving, and although we both worked I couldn't count on him to stay committed to his financial obligations concerning our home. I worked at times even two jobs just to make ends meet. This is the reason I say "somewhat" because my current husband is the total opposite, he's a great provider, loving, compassionate, attentive to my children., etc..

It is "US" that can't seem to communicate effectively because of his outburst, his forgetfulness, his misunderstanding of everything I say and the constant blaming me for everything. His temperament has gotten worse and it doesn't help that he drinks alcohol excessively. He was laid off last year and although he hasn't had any luck with his job search, not once have I nagged him about his circumstances. He doesn't see that his alcoholism too is breaking us apart. He has stated before that he's able to function better because he drinks.. He doesn't see the hurt that he is causing me, he believes that his word is LAW and that it's me the one who has the problem. I'm also starting to notice that his patience with my ADHD children is slowing fading. I find that he is somewhat  now hard on my ADHD daughter (14 yrs. old) and doesn't want to realize that her struggles in school are because of her neurological condition. What I mean by hard is telling her that she is not trying hard enough to get the grades that she can. I've already shared with him that her struggles in school have been present since the day she started kindergarten. And although it has affected her academically, thank GOD it has not for my son who's 8 yrs old. He understood before but now he acts like ADHD it's an excuse for her to "slack" in school. This has become so overwhelming and frustrating because again I have 3 people to deal with ADHD. My kids where diagnosed in 2010 because I saw the same pattern of behavior that their father had demonstrated while we were together.

I manage to have great results with my ADHD children when communicating, understanding and being compassionate when they have difficult days. I don't have to yell or get extremely frustrated because I stay abreast of this condition by reading and implementing the things that I read into my everyday life.  And IT WORKS!!! However it's a totally different from dealing with your children as oppose with your husband. I'm losing my mind because I love him dearly but I refuse to stay in my relationship and go through the pain and agony that I did with my first marriage. I have beat my self up in the past thinking why did I stay so long in that relationship and why did I try so hard to make it work. My children suffered from the previous turmoil and toxic relationship and they are now in therapy because of it.. I can't do this again, not to myself and my children!

Where do I go from here???

How do I get my husband to understand that he has ADHD and he needs help if not for me but for his sake. Regardless if we do come to the decision of going our separate ways he owes this to himself because his past was  terrible and there is a reason for it's called ADHD..! Why would anyone want to continue to struggle through life and not get help.  I will never understand this but I will continue to pray to GOD to help him.