DENIAL, PATTERN FIGHTING, CYCLING, BLAME GAME

My ADHD husband and I are about a hair away from divorce.  The email you read the last session was similar to what I experience my anger is terrible.  I just want to shake him so that maybe he can see the patterns.  Tonight for instance we come home from having dinner out we can't find a parking spot and I say to him "maybe you can get the work truck out of the driveway?"  (it's been parked in our driveway for almost a year and there's also a disabled pickup in my mother's driveway for about three years) he says "well if I had time, you know I don't stay home and watch tv all day"  this sparked a huge fight.  I took this as a direct insult because he actually believes I do nothing all day.  I am a stay at home mom I have three children a girl 13, and two boys 11 and 7.  He just started another job as an Electrician on January 28.  He's not there two days and he's looking to apply for a different position. He makes great money, great benefits and tons of overtime.  (Now he's think HA I don't need her he gets this feeling of being invincible)  Before this job he was miserable at his last job, he started in September 2012  he was miserable as soon as he started he applied for the job he has today.  Before that job he was a General Contractor/Electrical Contractor for almost four years.  This is where all my problems began.  He was diagnosed in December 2011 only because I began researching and I spoke to our General Practitioner finally convincing him to see a neurologist.  He was self-employed from 2005-2012.  For the first 3 years things were great his business took off and although we fought it was never so bad he realized when he was wrong and apologized if necessary.  He was a good provider and always very giving and loved to spend time with his family, and a big supporter in having our kids get a private school education.  In the summer of 2008 we traveled to Italy with my parents for my best friend's wedding.  This is the vacation my kids refer to as "the last good summer."  When we returned he partnered up with a friend to start a General Contracting business.  I never liked this guy he was a hustler, had a drinking problem, was very verbally abusive to his wife.  I felt he took advantage of my husband's business connections and brought no business to this partnership but took half of the earnings.  In the meanwhile, my sister met her husband.  My brother in law and and his family own a chain of restaurants, my husband was in his glory.  He attached himself to these people and they did the same he was an electrician and a general contractor both sides had plans to use one another (to keep the price down they promised to recommend him to their contact who was building a warehouse, the job would be $1 million).  My antenna went up I immediately expressed my opinion to my husband.  My husband became a different person he would go out to dinner at least 3 nights a week, come home drunk, break doors, fall over ironing boards, and scream at me all hours of the night.  My frustration was on overdrive my dad is now diagnosed with cancer.  My husband is too mesmerized by my sister's in laws they are building a mansion and two restaurants.  He did the electrical for a bare minimum this project took two years to complete.  He would spend his weekends babysitting them tile, kitchens, roofing, fixtures.  I was home with my kids and nursing my sick father; chemo, hospice the works. He would come visit me when my dad was in the hospital and leave to go to dinner with them. Like a complete stranger no sympathy, no support, no help instead he developed an inflated ego.  In the meanwhile, trips to Atlantic City, Vegas, expensive dinners, my bills are not getting paid, my car was repossessed, not paying tuition, my kids are witnesses to all this including coming home 2 days before my father died and finding a "For Sale By Owner" sign on my lawn I was distraught.  Also, during this time he joined Facebook and not one week into it he had reconnected with is ex-girlfriend talking for hours on the phone with her.  After my father died things with my sister's in laws began to turn sour with him.  They demanded more and more of his time he had lost all of his other accounts because he was depending on this $1 million job from them.  Someone whispered to him that that job was given to someone else.  He lost his mind.  The construction on this house was winding down but my husband was running out of money getting frustrated because they kept adding more work to the job and not willing to pay him for it.  He never finished the job.  My sister now has a baby and at his Baptism my brother-in-law's family including my brother-in-law ignored my husband; not a look, not a word, not a hello, nothing.  I was godmother.  I think my husband took this so bad and I, of course, supported my husband, enough was enough.  In the meanwhile, my husband's partner in the contracting business was caught inflating bills and pocketing the money, his business fell apart because my husband was never the money manager his partner was and my husband couldn't run the jobs because he has difficulty doing jobs in steps so, of course, his partner was verbally abusive towards him and took full advantage of the fact that we were having problems and that he was diagnosed with ADHD, my husband was preoccupied.  This past summer, his business had fallen apart, he had lost his best friend/business partner, who was robbing him, he had incurred tons of bills both at home and business, owed everyone money, our mortgage was backed up, and my sister's in laws are not talking to him, we were having problems I was very verbally abusive I was frustrated and all I kept reiterating was "I told you so".  All I kept thinking was this took years to get to and it will take years to get out of.  My mother said to him if you would only have listened to your wife about all these problems you wouldn't be here today. He turned on her.  My mother in law, who I think has ADHD, and I don't speak with because she has been the cause of many arguments is coming from Florida to visit.  My husband at this point is sleeping on the couch.  My husband couldn't deal with my sister's in laws ignoring him and decided to take my mother in law to their house and show her the work he did.  If you haven't realized it yet they agreed to have him come because they are narcissists and passive aggressive.  While there both my mother in law and husband take the opportunity to tell my sister's in laws everything I have ever said about them, everything my mother has said about them, everything my sister has said about her in laws.  He went on to tell them what friends of ours have said about them, and my mother in law told them things my mother had told her about them.  This was a mess and is a mess.  My sister is close to divorce after only two years of marriage and a one year old (this isn't the first relationship my husband has destroyed for her I can think of two others).  My mother in law stayed for three weeks my kids and I hardly saw him, she even bought him a bedroom and he sleeps downstairs.  I found out later that my husband would tell people like my mother in law, my husband's brother and sister in law, my sister's husband and his family, and even his customers things I would say about them during our crazy fights.  He had started a smear campaign against me.  Now no one speaks to me, my sister, or my mother but, of course, he still has contact with them all.  My guess is that they view him as a loose cannon who knows too much about their business so they keep him close.  I often say to him do you realize that I haven't had one verbal exchange with any of these people but they don't talk to me Why? He looks at me with a blank stare and doesn't respond.  My kids are so disgusted with him he doesn't have a relationship with them he doesn't know how to be a dad unless I'm around to buffer.  My kids hate my mother in law and brother in law and blame them for our problems but all he cares about is that the kids talk to his mother.  They resent him, for instance, if he's out with them he will dial his mother and give them the phone.  I try and tell him and he doesn't want to listen.  He also resents me for being a stay at home mom.  He actually believes I live a life of leisure.  I run around chasing my tail, my house is a mess, my laundry is backed up, my bills unpaid he constantly says he works (my response if you have been working so much how did our bills get so backed up he says because I haven't worked in 13 years).  I feel as if he has been brainwashed don't know by who exactly my mother in law or my sister's in laws.  There are certain topics he continuously brings up when he needs a fight my not working and I do nothing all day, calling his mother and handing my kids the phone, the bedroom which is in clear view of everyone who enters our house and my kids refuse to have friends over and they tell him his answer to everything "what's the big deal." Throughout this whole ordeal I have tried to be strong for my kids and dedicated to them.  They are honor students, on student council, they are involved in tons of activities because they enjoy being at school they get some normalcy.  He is bored by this and doesn't find all I do necessary but at one time he did and was proud.  I have a BS in Accounting and am the PTA at my kids school for 5 years now.  I get to feel normal here but it's also quite painful to see parents interact with there kids in a way my husband doesn't find necessary.  My daughter recently won scholarships and made the scholars program to all three of her high schools.  Not one relative that he has smeared us with called her to wish her luck or congratulate her but yet he still calls them and has contact with them.  I say to him "how can anyone respect us, your family, if you allow them to treat us this way?"  Again, no answer.  My daughter will be attending small Catholic all girl school in September 2013 on scholarship.  I am so proud of her but he doesn't understand because my mother in law had him drop out of high school to pay her rent he has a GED his brother is a drop out with no GED.  My mother in law has always been jealous of our relationship (when it was good) and was happy when he contacted his ex-girlfriend the one she always spoke about.  I contacted her when this happened and her answer to me was "why should I help you, when were you ever here for me?" She poisons him and he believes her he will fight me till the end but will not realize how much she's hurt us.  It bothers me to see him call his mother.  My kids want me to leave, I am so hurt by his betrayal of my trust, I recently found out he owes a friend $5,000, he has a joint account with his mother.  I wonder how much I don't know.  How do I look past this?  Does he only have ADHD?  Maybe Bipolar?  He is on Vyvanse 60mg but I don't see a difference.  Through all of this he is constantly complaining about the lack of sex in our relationship. Really???  He is very charismatic people love him but a totally different person at home.  I have anxiety all the time, heaviness in my chest all the time, I cry all the time and don't understand why this had to happen to me.  I met him when he was 17 and we have been married 16 yrs and together 23 yrs. I am 41 yrs. old and I'm miserable. When we do Melissa seminar and things she says hit home he gets very uneasy, refuses to accept any responsible all he says is "are you listening ya see ya see that's you."  If it wasn't for me he wouldn't be diagnosed and still I try.  But I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall repeatedly.  How do you get him to admit to what he has, what he has done, and start to heal? He is compulsive, hyper, always looking for conflict as if he gets a high....
 

You are probably NOT going to

You are probably NOT going to be able to get him to see his contribution to the problem. My ex also ready Melissa's book and his conclusion was that I should read it to learn how to accept him as he is. Didn't really acknowledge that the book outlined  how much pain ADHD causes to the non.

You really are going to need a good counselor to sort this out and give some perspective to him. He is not likely to accept that anything he does is abnormal on his own, and he's sure not going to accept advice from you. A good counselor can change your life, but you sometimes have to shop around to find someone who really understands. You need someone to be in your court but who will be able to present your case without the emotion, blame, shame, etc., --someone who can also help you understand how to reach out to him.

And yes, sometimes ADHDers do get high on conflict.

Thanks, I was afraid of

Thanks, I was afraid of that!! I think we've seen about 10 different marriage counselors all claim to have experience with ADHD.  The last one even said he had an attorney patient who has issues with time management.  But ADHD is more than time management, lack of focus and being disorganized.  My husband sat there and went on and on about how terrible I am and some of the things he says do sound terrible.  He can also make you tired of listening to him.  The difference is I'm able to see that what I said was terrible and I was trying to explain the symptom/response/response in ADHD and he just put up his hand and said there's no need to label anyone.  He recommended we stay distant from one another another alert about his lack of experience in the area.  My husband retreats and disengages all the time when we argue.  That's what makes me try to convince him even more and that's when I get verbally abusive, something I am not happy about and am very ashamed that I can lose control this way.  My husband drops a bomb and boom watches it explode I try and get him to see the triggers and he doesn't instead tells me I'm crazy.

It does seem very very

It does seem very very difficult to find a counselor that has the insight Melissa has. I wonder if you asked a counselor to work with the two of you using Melissa's book as your guide, if you could read a chapter a week, then maybe  focus on what you read at each counseling session? Might give the counselor some insight into how this is affecting YOU. Just a thought. It's so easy for the non to look like the "crazy" during counseling.