Depression and Sadness

Guilt is hard for me to deal with. 

I can change how I do things: start again to mother my ADHD spouse, yield to his demands, and revert to my old behaviors knowing full well the result will be  peace in the kingdom for him.  But the cost to me?  Oiy.  It will look good from the outside.  Unfortunately, the princess will then be sad. I just cannot do it.

I see him getting sadder and sadder.  Today's intense course of the blues was predicated by our discussion yesterday. I acknowledged to him that I indeed see he is trying extremely hard.  I also broached the subject of what he shared with me fom his last call to his ADHD coach: her being very empathetic that 'he had a wife who would not enter into counseling with him.'   I asked if he mentioned to her that I have tried at least 10 different types of marriage counseling with him, each in eager hope that "this is the one that will help us,"   only to be disappointed yet again.  He admitted he did not mention our previous counseling.  

I am at a loss of how to deal with his depression.

The thing that got the whole l-o-n-g drawn out discussion rolling?  I asked him if we can try to approach the holidays from a different perspective.  I asked if he would tell me - right up front - what he wanted to do for the holiday - like the approaching Memorial Day.  I had indicated to him, if I knew what he wanted to do, then I could plan my own day.   He usually stays home to 'work.'  We had previously got to the decision of what we wanted to do, on any specific holiday, after a back-and-forth drawn-out discussion where he asked me what I had planned, then he would tell me how much he has do, and he doesn't really feel like going to a parade, and maybe he will go to just the parade and come right home after etc., etc., etc.,.  Me, I like the holidays, and enjoy the picnics, and family gatherings, and festivals - all that sort of stuff. I used to just stay home with him, or spend time convincing him to come with me.  In the past few years, I chose to go enjoy the events without him.

Then he deflected the conversation off into the 'lack of intimacy' in our marriage subject.   Oh, geez.  I regrettably spouted off that he was not the only one who was suffering from a lack of intimacy.  I told him it had been a very, long, cold 29 months for me, too.

Last night when I got home, I could tell he had been crying.  His eyes were all swollen.  He talked in short, terse words.  Then went out to the RV.  Where he stayed all night.  He was gone to work before I got up.  I called to tell him some news, and he answered in short, one word answers.   I finally sent him a text and asked if something had transpired that I was unaware of.  His response: "Nothing more than my overwhelming sadness."  

Oiy.  Oiy.  Oiy.  

I have the guilt too. It

I have the guilt too. It manifests as extreme anxiety. I can feel my heart in my throat almost 24/7. I finally had to disengage from my husband. This is my last resort before I snap and go back home......thousands of miles away. I'm not afraid to do it alone, but I really want to have money saved up first. Plus, I love this city and my well paying jobs. 

I took down the notes. I have stopped asking my husband to do anything. I just do it all and if he does something eventually, well yay. I won't fight with him anymore, though he is trying hard to get me to. I did have to tell him 3 times to get the F out of my room yesterday. I had just had enough of him baiting me while I try very hard to stay neutral and cordial no matter what. I am somehow still able to function and stay quite perky, despite my high anxiety and anger. He keeps flying off the handle, and I'm keeping outwardly cdool. Inwardly, I want to beat the crap out of him verbally and physically. And I am an extremely passive person by nature. 

Mine still hasn't started adhd meds, but he has started Celexa for his depression. He's been depressed our entire marriage, even when I outwardly adored him, we never fought, I was pregnant, and still did EVERYTHING. He made it hard to love him even then. When discussing his meds, he tells me "don't worry, in a few weeks I'll be living life in a haze". Wow, I truly hate his attitude about life. I need meds, but I know if I get through this hell sober, I'll be stronger than ever! 

I can do it. We can all do it!

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Resolve

Ah, lauren07, I believe you are correct.  We can. . . .but why can't I ' want to'  just give up my resolve to find the elusive dream?

My husband tried Celexa a few years ago.  From my perspective, it helped him tremendously.  From his . . . well he just stopped taking it one day. . . . and the sudden withdrawal caused in  him a rampant emotional state that was very intense.  Still don't understand why he chose to stop taking it. . . . . . . . . 

He recently  refused to upgrade to  Adderall-XR.  He said it was too expensive.  Too bad he will not value his own self.   He takes Adderall, but often forgets to take the afternoon dose.

 

I forgot to add these gems

I forgot to add these gems from last night. Oy indeed!
We both went out last night, separately. I left first. When he couldn't reach the sitter, he panicked and expected me to come home and fix it. When I offered solutions, he was really hateful. I told him to call his friend's wife and he wrote back "WTF!!! Hell no, her daughter is sick. WTF!!!!". I calmly wrote, "ok, try your other friend". How the heck would I know his friend's daughter is sick? Talk about over exaggerating/over dramatic! Then he crazily asks me if there is something going on he doesn't know about, to be straight with him. Geez.... So I sent him a screenshot of my convo with the sitter. She finally called him shortly after his meltdown. Later, he texts me that he drove home too drunk and that I should check on him because he's not doing too well. This is a grown man! I didn't even admonish him. I just wrote "ok". I turned down two drinks and didn't finish one because I knew I had to drive home. I checked to see he was breathing when I got home, but he didn't believe me:/

I'm worried Celexa might make him violent. 

 

It never lets up here. As

It never lets up here. As soon as our son got up, he locked himself in the garage and started messing with his old Harley. The house started to smell like fumes and still does. How do you crank up a never used bike and let it run right inside the garage? I had to turn on fans and open the back door. I asked him to shut the garage door and he ignored me and I had to do it. Our son is screaming because Daddy is avoiding him as usual. I swear the next time he has a 24hr shift, I am getting out of here. 

I am constantly shaking my

I am constantly shaking my head at how similar many of the situations described here are to what plays out in my house. I went thru a period about 2 years ago where I just said screw it, and, like Lauren described, totally cut myself off from my husband. I quit expecting him to do anything, I quit asking, I was cordial and treated him nicely, but did not engage in arguing or any of the regular patterns.

He reacted much the same way Lauren is describing, getting even more angry and trying to bait me into reacting. On the flip side he would complain about how I had shut myself off. I wish I would ahve stayed in that place, but I let myself get talked into believing that he really was going to try this time and change things, and that I needed to give 100% of myself, and so I let him back in. I let his actions affect me, I allowed myself to get upset again, and then now I'm back where I started.

A HUGE reason that I constantly forgive and "try again" is guilt and empathy for him. I KNOW how crappy he feels about himself and how hard he tries. I KNOW he wants to change and that his underlying self esteem is next to none. I hate that he feels that way about himself and I don't want to contribute to that, so I sheild him from my true feelings and don't let him feel the blow of my full anger. Just the other day he told me he wanted me to just unload on him, tell him exactly what I thought about him, without a filter. I think he wants me to do that so that he doesn't feel so bad about the crappy things he says to me most of the time.

I think the dynamic that plays out in all of these relationships is codependency, we have taken on so much of the burden of things, we take on their emotional well-being as well, so when they're upset/depressed/sad, it's something we need to fix.

My husband said yesterday

My husband said yesterday something that he has implied but has never said in quite such explicit terms:  that when I express anger or frustration with him (about him not looking for a job, about him not helping around the house, about him not communicating), his response is to "get back at me" by doing something other than one of the things that I've expressed interest in him doing.  So, me expressing anger or frustration causes my husband to avoid positive behaviors.  This definitely makes me think that I should not express negative feelings to my husband.  

Oh, and it didn't help that my husband then said that I shouldn't take this as a personal attack. He said he was just explaining a fact.  Wow.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Not measuring up

Today I sent out a memo to my spouse and our two adult children.  I said I wanted to make sure we were all on the same page so I was putting it in writing - I said I think we should finish this 5 year debate over the RV of do-we-sell-it do-we-keep-it and just resolve to keep the RV.  We can figure out some other way to get money to pay off some debt.  5 years is enough of a rollercoaster ride.  We will keep it, I won't try to convince anyone it has to get sold, and I will feel free to lend it to carefully screened relatives.   

My husband just stopped by home to discuss things.  He is livid.  Rolling hot angry.  He announced we are selling it because he can not stand to lend it to anyone.

Arrrrgggghhhh.  5 years I spent trying to get it sold.  Every darn time we got close, he got cold feet and refused.  5 years he spent in emotional turmoil about how we had to keep it because it connected him to his parents.  Finally I decide it is not worth a power-struggle because I got better things to do with my time. . .and Wa La! This is so ridiculous.  

I did say this a perfect example of how I refuse to let him control a situation with his anger.  He says, "Tell me ONE other time I have controlled stuff with my anger?"  I refused to take that bait.  I only replied, that this is a perfect example of a situation where we would do things differently and he could not get his way by stomping his foot.  (Which he actually did.)

The RV lending weekend has come and gone.  He is FURIOUS that I lent it out.  I should respect his choice because "it is the one and only thing" he feels so strongly about.  LOL!  Anything he feels strongly about should all go his way.  I have had it with that.  I told him I only want to discuss this situation - and I will not refuse to lend our RV when we are not using it just because he says so. 

Buying this house was "the one and only thing" he felt strongly about.  Then it was the tractor.  Then it was the addition. It is anything that we don't agree with that becomes his "one and only thing."

What I also found out in this discussion is if I say A=N=Y=T=H=I=N=G other that positive praise - he hears it as "You don't measure up."  Sigh.  That sure would be a nice way to keep from ever having anyone say anything to you - insist they could only say positive, uplifting things.  Sheesh.  As it is, I walk on egg shells trying to communicate with him.

 

I mirror your last paragraph.

I mirror your last paragraph. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells. I finally stop trying to get my husband to do things and stop pointing out when he does something wrong, and STILL he's not happy. No matter how I handle things with him, I should've handled it the opposite. I'm getting off this rollercoaster. Tuesday I start cancelling things we don't need that are in my name even though it will cost hundreds to do it. I will get separate car insurance and separate my phone bill. When I leave, I will cancel any utilities in my name. Not sure if I'll last a week or a month, but I am finally getting ready to leave this hell. 

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I am so not wanting to be crying. . . yet I am crying

Just got off the phone.  My spouse called.    One hour 29 minutes and 5 seconds, more or less accusing me of setting him up.  Sneaking around.  Plotting behind his back.  Said the ONLY reason I wanted to not sell the RV was because I wanted to lend it to my niece.  

I am an idiot to discuss this.  I am crazy to try to explain to him the injustice of his accusation.  I have a problem.  I am a fool.  

I am praying today for strength, courage and whatever the heck it takes to get away from this madness.  

I am fully ready to accept that I made a huge mistake taking that vow on my wedding day.

My thoughts and prayers are

My thoughts and prayers are with you, I feel like I'm in much the same place.

My life has been monopolized and controlled by my spouses anger/ADHD for years. I have 4 young children, and am about a year from graduating with my BA in psychology. I've told myself that I have to stick it out till graduation and I can find a job, if I left right now I'd have no way to support myself or my children.

The only thing that has helped me in terms of the arguements is to just walk away. For years and years I thought that if I could just explain things enough to him so that he understood, he would realize how irrational he is being. Then I realized that he really does see reality the way he explains it to me and how he argues it is. It is ludicris and crazy, but if that's his reality how will I ever convince him otherwise? If your husband really does believe (because ADHD distortions of reality or whatever reason) that all his reasoning and anger surrounding the RV is justified, there isn't much you can do to change his mind, and you'll only make yourself more upset by trying. I think what was a huge revelation for me was realizing that I didn't have to change his mind or make him see reality. He could rant and rave all he wanted, but I know the truth of the situation, whether he believes it or not, it's still true.  I think I was holding onto a hope/idea that if I just explained things enough or said it the right way, he would see the light and come around. When I gave up convincing him it became a lot easier to just let it go and let him think whatever he wanted about the situation. It does put up a huge wall in the relationship, but it's a protective mechanism that I think is necessary sometimes. I have let myself get sucked back into arguements and crazy-making situations, every time I kick myself for going there again, because it never helps.