Depression and Sadness

Guilt is hard for me to deal with. 

I can change how I do things: start again to mother my ADHD spouse, yield to his demands, and revert to my old behaviors knowing full well the result will be  peace in the kingdom for him.  But the cost to me?  Oiy.  It will look good from the outside.  Unfortunately, the princess will then be sad. I just cannot do it.

I see him getting sadder and sadder.  Today's intense course of the blues was predicated by our discussion yesterday. I acknowledged to him that I indeed see he is trying extremely hard.  I also broached the subject of what he shared with me fom his last call to his ADHD coach: her being very empathetic that 'he had a wife who would not enter into counseling with him.'   I asked if he mentioned to her that I have tried at least 10 different types of marriage counseling with him, each in eager hope that "this is the one that will help us,"   only to be disappointed yet again.  He admitted he did not mention our previous counseling.  

I am at a loss of how to deal with his depression.

The thing that got the whole l-o-n-g drawn out discussion rolling?  I asked him if we can try to approach the holidays from a different perspective.  I asked if he would tell me - right up front - what he wanted to do for the holiday - like the approaching Memorial Day.  I had indicated to him, if I knew what he wanted to do, then I could plan my own day.   He usually stays home to 'work.'  We had previously got to the decision of what we wanted to do, on any specific holiday, after a back-and-forth drawn-out discussion where he asked me what I had planned, then he would tell me how much he has do, and he doesn't really feel like going to a parade, and maybe he will go to just the parade and come right home after etc., etc., etc.,.  Me, I like the holidays, and enjoy the picnics, and family gatherings, and festivals - all that sort of stuff. I used to just stay home with him, or spend time convincing him to come with me.  In the past few years, I chose to go enjoy the events without him.

Then he deflected the conversation off into the 'lack of intimacy' in our marriage subject.   Oh, geez.  I regrettably spouted off that he was not the only one who was suffering from a lack of intimacy.  I told him it had been a very, long, cold 29 months for me, too.

Last night when I got home, I could tell he had been crying.  His eyes were all swollen.  He talked in short, terse words.  Then went out to the RV.  Where he stayed all night.  He was gone to work before I got up.  I called to tell him some news, and he answered in short, one word answers.   I finally sent him a text and asked if something had transpired that I was unaware of.  His response: "Nothing more than my overwhelming sadness."  

Oiy.  Oiy.  Oiy.