Desperate Divorce

Hi all,

I really regret having come to this forum so late in the game as my 8-year marriage is now coming to a close. (relationship for 13 years). I'm 38, she's 36. 

I've been interrupted  in my train of thought so many thousands of times that my brain actually has stopped functioning properly - I will space out and "flood" preemptively in her presence. I'm afraid there is no way back for me, even if she wanted to. The loss of trust (lies, dropping the ball, BS'ing) accumulated such that it was very easy for me to turn into an angry, contemptuous "parent". I hated playing that role and resent spending so much time in it. I went to bed so many nights in ghastly pain; wanting out so bad...

I've harangued my wife about getting treatment, and she made an attempt at taking meds - I think she tried one medication for a couple months, stopped, and did a few classes at Kaiser until Covid hit.  I'm REALLY sad I didn't find these workshops and materials sooner because it would have made it much easier for me to give her the benefit of the doubt and accept her disability. Perhaps what felt like passive-aggression and lying could have been unmanaged ADHD symptoms. But, I couldn't control her efforts. Beyond that, I think she lies compulsively just for he hell of it. I'm astounded that 3 different couples counselors couldn't diagnose her. I've been enabling her by staying this long. 

The insulting thing, is that my wife is absolutely certain she wants a divorce, and I'm the opposite personality- I'd prefer to beat my head against a wall, do a 6-month separation, and then try Melissa's workshop with her. I gave her an ultimatum as such- take your meds, do a workshop, and read the materials or I'm out. 

 I turned down the idea of having a kid about 6 months ago knowing things were not at a good place. I freaked out knowing that if she can't empathize with my feelings, how could she with a child? How could she mirror it and not just use it to fill herself up? I tried to get her to care about my feelings, but it was as if she could not separate her intention from it's results. My feelings scared her and put her into a position of having to "fix" instead of attune to them. I felt so alone.... and so did she. 

I've been reading all of your posts to affirm my own suffering and confusion. My wife is beautiful, funny, and generous, but the fighting was simply untenable. It seemed that by the end, I would just resign to no longer argue and she would just push to find a way to find conflict. She seems to be unable to cooperate - even about the timing of divorce papers. Seems ironic. 

The last 2-3 years, all I have thought about was getting out (perhaps I think in extremes), but there's a part of me that wants to try everything possible. 

I'm in so much pain knowing we're splitting. There's a piece of me being ripped out, and for her too. I feel like it could be avoidable had I known more about her condition. We share so much. 

my therapist said you need 3 elements for a lasting relationship-   1. Reciprocity (maybe)  2. Emotional Intimacy (no)  3. Honesty (no)

Can any of you validate this experience? Did I make a mistake in not having a child? Is there something out there better for me?