Hello everyone,
Happy new year!
I hope you're all well and enjoying your day.
I am in an extremely difficult situation with my partner which is making me unwell as he refuses to understand that he may need some help.
Upon first meeting him 4 years ago there was various comments of difficulties at work, from small inconveniences to him reversing a truck backwards through a garage at the work yard. As it was a new relationship i didn't think much of it and to be honest most things were laughed off.
As the relationship went on I found lots of accidents happening, impulsive decisions being made etc, but actually found me being blamed for most things. A 'funny' yet good example is; one day i decided to make a mango curry from scratch. I made it which took quite some time and upon it needing to simmer for a little while i asked if my partner would watch it whilst i go and have a shower. On leaving the shower and drying my hair i could smell burning. I ran to the kitchen to find him waving a knife around and filming himself on snapchat to send to his friend. When i exclaimed that the dinner was burning he turned round, threw his arms in the air and told me that it was my fault because of the pan I had chosen. I (somehow?) accepted this at the time and took it on the chin. This wasn't just slightly burned, this was fully stuck to the pan with no chance of saving. I suggested we just eat the rice as that was fine and asked if he could just put it in bowls for us. Next minute i turn around and hes got the rice in the sink under running cold water. I asked what he was doing and he replied "I dont know".
Months later and after experiecing more of these incidents, my partner came home from work one day and explained he had been called into the office as there had been lots of complaints made about him. When i asked how things had come to such a head he explained that there had always been lots of complaints made and people having to correct him for various thing, but he again found a way to blame others. I tried to figure out what was actually going on between him blaming other people and the complaints made themselves. I realised that the problems we were having at home coincided with the difficulties people had been having with him at work. Most related to him not thinking, doing things as quickly as he could etc. From not attaching a trailer properly to getting vans stuck. Slowly i started to piece things together and felt like a clearing had appeared and slowly started to realise that these behaviors couldn't be everybody else's fault.
The other day we went into a DIY shop and the isle he wanted to go down was closed off due to them stacking the top shelves with heavy machinery. Despite there being a orange and black banner across the isle he ducked under it. I told him that he shouldn't be in there, but like usual he shrugged and just laughed at me. Before I knew it someone at the top of their voice shouted STOP! another worker ran to the machinery to tell them to stop and people from the till ran over to make sure everything was okay. Once the workers and other members of the public had started to realise what had happened people began to laugh at my partner and make comments in regard to why he had ducked under the tape and how obvioous it was that he shouldnt have gone under there. I cant put into words the feeling I had, but I just wanted to crawl and hide away.
Today i am finally at my wits end and no longer knowing what more i can do. We went to the river and took the dog and a picnic as the sun was out. Our dog is a boxer, so not the greatest of swimmers and just likes to paddle and splash around. Whilst she was happy i decided to go and sit down and relax. Next minute i look up to see my partner has put our dog in the deepest and fastest part of the water to try and make her swim. Her eyes were bulging out of her head in panic, her legs going as fast as they could and her head slowly going under. I lept up in a hurry, swam out to her and grabbed her when her body just collapsed on to me. The poor little thing was terrified and im sure couldn't work out why her dad was next to her clapping and saying 'good girl' whilst she was drowning.
My partner has finally admitted something isn't right, but still has that denial aspect about things. There is clearly a difficulty somewhere, but even more of a difficulty with him refusing to see there is an issue.
It took me a long time to figure out something was going on as there was so much blame shifted, but as we are having troubles, works having troubles with him and now we cant even go into shops there is clearly something wrong.
I am hoping he will go and get some help, but in the mean time i am looking for some support as i am at my wits end.
To me everything points to ADD not ADHD. He does not have those hyperactive aspects. Does this sound like ADD to anyone else?
Also is this denial thing a part of it and something others have experienced?
Take care
Jessica
Hello Jessica,
Submitted by Giorgia on
Hello Jessica,
Your situation is similar to mine. I am sorry for how you are feeling I know that feeling. That hope for a relationship to go well but then you are realising there might be an obstacle bigger than you thought and sadly it is seen mainly be you. He might be probably realising that himself but often person hides this feeling even from themselves somewhere very deep and doesn't want to open the pandora box. It is not even seen by his friends much nor the family. I mean they see it but they also don't live with him every day and don't see the amount of these moments. And even though his family know him pretty well they don't realise how it feels from the romantic point of view. We need certain things from our partners, to feel safe and heard but sadly ADD ADHD is going against. I would recommend that he tries to read a book, for example Driven to distraction etc. But it is his job to work on himself it just might take much more bad situations for him till he realises he needs to really try to change. As long as you can not to take things too personally and you can be positive about him and not critical, many things can be done, but not everyone is able to be positive in such a moments. Because the partner doesn't realise how much this behaviour is hurting us and how unsafe we can feel. And then the future doesn't look that bright. But it is a lot up to him too. Best of luck, I would like to be more positive, but it is really not easy and for someone who is sensitive person and has certain idea about the ideal and doesn't want to compromise to much then it's a hard task.
Hello amd welcome
Submitted by Elsa on
Dear Jessica
Hello all you wonderful people here, I have been reading this forum for 18mths but this is my first post, forgive me for any mistakes and also for "lurking " for so long without commenting on anything . You have no idea how helpful this forum has been to me, I had got to the point where I was convinced I was mad and I honestly do not think I would still be here without the knowledge and support I have felt from this forum .
so it is time I started posting , my story is so similar to so many here I am not sure there is much point in giving a long break down of it , needless to say when I first started reading the posts here , I cried , once because I realised I was not alone and then again because I realised I was not alone that there were other poor people going through this nightmare too !!
I am writing now because Jessica you could have written three exact episodes from my life just in the last few weeks ,literally my dog was in emergency care 4 days ago because of my partners chaotic , unthinking , impulsive behaviour , I told myself that if she had not survived (she is 100% ok now ) that would have to be it no matter the financial , domestic , family implications or how much I do love him . But there has to come a point doesn't there ?? How much can any of us take ? I have just been sworn at , screamed to F*** off and told he does not need me , sat in my car in the cold sobbing at my wits end .
I hope sincerely Jessica you can get your partner to see that he and you need help , this seems to be the hardest part ,my partner likes to tell me and others he has ADHD , though not formally diagnosed but refuses to engage in anything to help him or us function and we are now at a level of not functioning as a couple or him as an individual. My partner uses thw ADHD as what I call a get out of jail free card , an excuse with no sense of responsibility for his behaviour or responsibility to me , his family or society , rules apparently or common decency do not apply to him !!
Jessica I hope you have some amazing friends, who even if they do not have personally experience of this condition can offer you some great support because I would be lost without my long suffering friends .
I have nothing new to offer in support ,I am afraid that has not been said before on here ie do your best to get a diagnosis and get help , though I think there is more available in the USA , I am in the Uk and it seems impossible to get get hep for adults . Take time and space for yourself , take every opportunity for some time away from the crazy life that is ADHD , if that's a bath where you promise yourself you will not give in to whatever chaos is unfolding the other side of the door or days out with friends or hobbies . I had already done without realising it what CYourself recommends and created some boundaries, certain friendships and interests are sacred and I do not include my partner,they are an oasis of calm and free of ADHD , if I did not have these I would not cope , also I do believe he benefits from this as there is less resentment on my part . Plus like many people with ADHD he has an addiction and for him that is hours in front t of the television ,so he can indulge that whilst I am out without me annoying him about all the half done jobs and mess !! Win win , though not the type of relationship I had envisaged or would like these little things do help .
Read lots here , the kind folk here have helped me so much and they do not even realise it , just reading for an hour here has brought me back from the brink of despair many times .
unload /rant too ,here or to an understanding friend , my go to two people have no experience of ADHD but are kind , loving trustworthy friends who love me and know that just getting some stuff of my chest is a big help . Plus you need them to collect you from the hospital after your ADHD partner has forgotten to despite the note on the calendar and the verbal reminder and text message ! Sound familiar anyone ?!!
Oh and when you can a sense of houmour with all this helps no end .
my very best wishes to you Jessica and all the lovely folk here .
Sounds similar
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
I can't add any pearls of wisdom, just sadly find solidarity in our similar positions.
I've been seeing my partner for 2.5 years, undiagnosed adhd, but has every symptom on nhs website and the issues raised on this forum are very familiar sounding. I have the added dynamic that my partner is a widower with 2 twin boys, so I think for too long I excused the chaos for his loss. I have since decided his deceased wife must have done everything in the house. We don't live together but he's pushing me to move in, his house is uncared foot and messy, he has no interest in maintenance or spending money on it, and says things like that can be addressed even i move in, ie me sorting it all out. He's incredibly tight with money at times and says we'd go to charity shops for any extra furniture, but is happy to go on a lads only ski holiday whilst his sister looks after the kids. My home on the other hand has seen me spend a lot of money on lovingly decorating it with nice things, it's in a lovely convenient spot. My partner hasn't worked since covid, his IT work skills are out of date and he's lazy and unfocused. He's now got it in his head he wants to be a teacher!! But had done little to progress this, in the meantime his mother gives him money, I'm unsure if this is his future inheritance, if so what a waste. In the Summer my dream came true and I got a dog who I adore, I let my partner look after him with instructions to be careful with his front door in case he dashed out. He casually tells me on phone dog ran out twice! And then dropped him off and left him in my kitchen with door shut on hottest day of the year with no water!!! It was only 20 minutes but I went wild with my verbal anger at him. He didn't see the problem and he begrudgingly said sorry several hours later. He posts things on fb about grief and loss but only recently asked what age I was when I lost my parents, and he flirts with my friends. He leaves car doors open for hours and keys in front doors.
He thinks I'm a nag and unreasonable.
I've read enough on here to see these people never change, so why do we stay?! For me? He can be very amusing, he's attractive looking and when he's pleasant it's good. But I'm unsure how much more I can deal with, I know I can't move in with him.
How many 'red flags' do you need?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Do you want to be the 'chaos enabler'? It never stops. Never.
Don’t let him use you
Submitted by sickandtired on
I’m sorry, but being good looking and occasionally being fun is NOT enough to make up for his obviously dependent personality. He relied on his mom, then his wife, then his mom again, and now he’s hoping you will move in and “sort out” his home and his life??? Taking care of his life is HIS job, not yours, but sadly, he doesn’t see that, and he may never see that. Will It Get Better is right. This guy is looking for another kind enabler, so he can maintain his status quo. You’re only 2 and a half years in, and he has already put your precious dog’s life in danger. Can you imagine his attitude with a human baby or a toddler? It will be just the same as his neglect of your dog. I was with a guy like this for over 11 years, and it only got worse, not better, as time went on. He put our dogs’ lives at risk many times, never acknowledging the danger. For example can you imagine putting your 50 pound dog up on the railing of the Hoover Dam just so the dog “can have a better view” ??? My ex saw absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, as onlookers looked in horror. I ran over and pulled my dog down to safety, yelling “What in the hell are you DOING!!!” He never apologized or even understood that what he did was awful. He instead yelled at me for hours in the car, because I had “embarrassed him” in front of a bunch of strangers. He always had to play the role of the victim in every scenario, even if it was all due to his behavior. Does your guy do that?
You don’t want to be this guy’s housekeeper, nanny, or ATM because he won’t get a job or clean his house or take responsibility for his own life choices. I threw my ex out of my house and out of my life, and it’s the best thing I have ever done to improve the quality of my life. Think about it... do you want DECADES of these same problems constantly being created by someone in your life who expects you to do all of the work cleaning up his messes??? I hope the answer is no.
Wholly agree with WIGB and sickandtired
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I've been where you are. My ex went from living with his parents until he was 30 (he told me he did it to save a down payment... which was true... but with hindsight, I can also see it's because he needed someone to take care of him)... to living with me for 20 years... to back to his parents when we separated almost a year ago. He wants everything done for him and uses humour and personality to skate by. It is NOT ENOUGH. Now that I am out, I can see there are SO many responsible potential partners out there - they have jobs, they take care of those they love, they listen when people talk, they would never put a child or pet in danger. I'm single and happy with that for the moment, but I'm just saying... when you're with someone like this, sometimes you forget that this is so dreadfully far from "normal." You don't have to be in a relationship like this. There are lines some people cross where the ADHD doesn't matter - we can feel bad and empathize that they were born with this challenging condition, but we shouldn't have to be constant victims of the condition.
Amen Melody!
Submitted by sickandtired on
When you are invested in a relationship like this, you begin to think it is normal, or worse yet, you might buy into his words that blame you for all of his problems. It’s wrecking your self esteem daily. There are so many wonderful potential partners out there... you don’t have to settle for this.
I know, an update
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
You both make perfect sense, it becomes normal but then you look at other couples and these things just don't happen, repeatedly. Anyway there is an update he has a stipulation of us seeing each other Thursday Friday Saturday and on Thursday I asked him to walk my dog, he did but he was an hour late, and forgot to leave him his soothing treat and didn't allow him a final outside toilet break before he left. That on top of me having a very busy day meant I cancelled with a few hours going to his for tea. He blanked me till tonight saying it was over. I've been upset but it sure now if I'm exhausted by it, it couldn't have worked. It's sad as it could have been very different.
He did you a favor honey
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please take some time to ask yourself why you would have put up with his behaviors. Wow, he’s really unreliable. He broke it off with you because you asked HIM to do you a favor? It’s sad but he didn’t ever seem to take your feelings or your needs seriously. Only his needs matter. Now you are free now to go out and meet someone who deserves your love. I’m relieved for you.
SamBam you just don’t get it!
Submitted by sickandtired on
I post here because I am trying to heal from all of the damage my ex did to me. I will never heal totally physically... I have a permanent limp from a serious fall that was his fault, but I am hoping by helping others avoid the kind of relationship I had, at least something good may come out of all of the emotional chaos he put me through. As for you, I suggest you LOOK at YOURSELF and your own words instead of constantly judging and berating others on this forum.
Thanks
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
Thanks sickandtired sadly your experience is valuable to hear x
Thank you Loopdaloop!
Submitted by sickandtired on
I really appreciate your support. It hurts to wake up first thing in the morning and read such an insensitive comment like SamBam’s.
Same - I post to heal and help others
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I wish I had a sickandtired 10 years ago who would have told me, "Honey, it ain't gonna get better." Now that I'm out and I can see what I couldn't always see when I was in, I try to be that for someone else. I have been so permanently altered by someone else's undermanaged disorder (yes emotionally, but physically as well as with sickandtired) that I would love to save even one person the pain I've been through. ADHD is a spectrum and I think there are plenty of times where relationships are not just workable, but rewarding and successful. But then... then there's what I was in. I can't get back the decades I lost, but I can try to give them back to someone else.
The grinding continues...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
1Melody1 is giving valuable perspective. When you are in the midst of an eternally-panicked 'If I do this then maybe that will make my ADHD spouse realize what has been going on...' it is hard to accept that it is more likely to get very much worse. It may not seem like it could get worse but I attest the second and third decades of the ADHD emotional grinder can leave you old and hopeless. Don't let your entire life be wasted in the painful maze.
So true!
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
Will it get better, when you said you're almost hoping that when you explain there will be some lightening bolt moment from the adhd partner. But I was only in it for 2.5 years, and it never came. Even at the end for me, he couldn't see the cause and effect. He couldn't see that him doing me a favour badly and thoughtlessly, led to me and my dog feeling uncared for and dispairing so it resulted in me I'm not wanting to go to his in the evening. He just saw it as me breaking a promise of seeing him on a Thursday and was angry at me and has ended it. Takes no responsibility. Even when we had huge bust up in September after he had flirted with my friend, and her and her partner had diplomatically said to me that he seems to obviously fixate on people, yet he never saw it and said I'd embarrassed my friends and he felt sorry for them! Do you know though my break up is only a day or so old and still feels very raw, so if he came back now I'd hate to say it but I'd jump back in his arms for the familiarity.
Lightning bolt of realization never comes
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Loopdaloop, the 'lightning bolt of realization' from the ADHD partner never comes. Ever. One can hope and hope ('Surely, this time he will see...') but your hopes are just like pins in a bowling alley: they get knocked down by your partner and you set them up again, ad infintium. The ADHDer's perception of reality differs from yours. Your 'logic' is foreign to them. And even if you manage a soul-baring discussion of some issue wherein the ADHDers 'seems' to acknowledge your pains and promises better behavior, within a couple of weeks the pins reset and it is as if no discussion/realization ever occurred. To you it does not make sense (and it never will). Sigh. Best wishes.
Sickandtired is right.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on