First of all this is going to be long and difficult. Kudos to any of you who are willing to read it and respond. I really NEED your responses and insights.
I am 38 and have been married for 15 years. We were young Christians, he was just coming out of a rehab program and we were both going to go into the "ministry". We only dated a very short time before getting engaged and then were only engaged for 6 months. We were literally stupid, inexperienced, idealistic (well I was), and knew nothing about ourselves (we did a little I suppose, we just didn't know how serious it was). Long story short, he cheated on my very soon! One night stands and casual sex encounters (NOT intimate relationships at all). He looked at porn occasionally, and he relapsed. This is all within the first 6 years of us being married. We went to marriage conferences. I screamed and cried. I bought workbooks. I prayed and begged. I tried to lose weight, go to counseling, have sex more, etc. etc. I also was diagnosed with 2 pretty serious autoimmune disorders shortly after all of this. We had a 3rd "accident" child.
His parents told me he was diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability during school years. They told me he was non-compliant on his medication. I didn't understand what that meant at 23 years old to 28 years old.
Fast forward 10 years. He swears over and over he will be faithful to only me and he will not use drugs or alcohol. These are the absolute MINIMAL boundaries that I have. We have separated twice over these issues. He has been "mostly" good about them for about 2-3 years I would say. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me. He says he is committed to making changes.
Other MAJOR developments in the last 6 years. Our child was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (our first child diagnosed with ADHD and LD too). I now realize that I am a woman with high functioning autism! I have been operating out of this and dealing with his ADHD. I am SICK, as in physically sick, and very tired most of the time. I am serious, deeply thinking, literal, do things slowly, I have CNS and sensory issues that are very very very very strong. I am hyper-emotional, hyper-sensitive, and hyper-aware of details. I am seriously idealistic. But I am also a TERRIBLE spouse. I can barely keep things clean, laundered, organized, and keep everyone fed. I am often tired. Often want to check out and rest myself. Often on my iphone at night just trying to chill.
He on the other hand is funny, goofy, immature, impatient, obsesses about buying things (I hate to shop), cannot have a conversation for very long, is not deep thinking per se (not academically so, he's just not interested).
I am unmedicated, he is on 2 medications (neither of which help his adhd in my opinion). We do not share hobbies, interests, likes or dislikes. We do not even share the same religion anymore because he has become 100% uninterested in the Bible or Church at all (he says it is just one more thing for him to fail at).
So far these are all just "how I see it" kind of things. But since I have autism it is sort of black and white. As in, it would be very difficult for anyone else to convince me that these "facts" are not so. As a woman, I still have the same needs for romance, love, attention, respect, intimacy, and friendship that most other people do. I just need accommodations for dealing with life, stress, raising children. He needs accommodations too! I know that.
I am realizing there is about 15 more pages that I need to write, but I won't. He says he is "just the way he is" and he probably won't change. He wants someone to accept him. I say I do accept him but his adhd behaviors still make me feel unloved, un-paid-attention to, ignored, not romanced, disrespected, and made fun of. He works too much, does his hobbies too much, does technology and TV too much, and I'm literally last on his list.
I have come to a point where I am literally too miserable to ignore everything. I feel like I am a person who has been shot in the gut and is yelling desperately for someone to stop the bleeding (where our marriage relationship and family life together is concerned). Reading everyone's posts here has almost made me want to jump out a window, because I hear people putting up with this for 20, 30, 40 years and I'm at 15 and feel this way. (No offense to anyone!).
Is it actually too late, when you feel this desperate, to do anything about it? Have any of you even started unpacking your problems when you were at this point? I feel like RUSHING him to the nearest counseling office and forcing him to start changing just so I can get some relief. BUT I know this isn't the best option, considering he is a free human being and I can't force him to love me or fix this or change. I really seriously am thinking my only option is to leave. I'm autistic, sick, miserable, heart-broken, and tired. He's adhd, medicated (he's not changing his meds), happy to not change, very very busy, stressed with his business, looking forward to hunting season, and unavailable.
Please HELP. I have to do something soon. I want to make the right decision.