Submitted by Brindle on 07/24/2018.
Where did you start with placing boundaries?
So far, I’ve stopped doing his laundry. (He does no house chores whatsoever.) I don’t clean his part of the bedroom. And he is getting more and more unkind when he speaks, so I’m going to start walking away or taking the kids to the park or something when he’s rude.
But that’s all I’ve got. Where did you start? What boundaries made a huge difference? (My goal is not to copy other people’s dynamics, so much as try to see places where I haven’t seen that a boundary would be helpful. Or maybe it would spur something in my mind that helps me see my situation differently.)
I would like to know this too
Submitted by Libby on
I would like to know this too. How do boundaries work when you are calmly asking a question and he immediately starts screaming? If the info is needed how am I to get it without asking? I can't just walk away.
I find this to be frustrating
Submitted by klem on
I find this to be frustrating as well! I'm learning about this and I also find it difficult to make the final decision on something we should both have input on, by myself, because I simply can't ask. It seems like a Catch 22 to me...
Boundaries
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Like you, I stopped doing his laundry years ago. That seems to be a common one! LOL Is it just me or do ADHDers produce more laundry than the average person? Or does it just seem that way because it's lying all over the floor in every room of the house?
I also won't pick up after him anymore (pop cans, papers, food wrappers, coffee cups, plates, half eaten food). I hired a cleaning service though, because I don't feel it's fair that I should live in a disgusting messhole. So they come every two weeks and he is forced to declutter. That has actually gone really well for us and I can't recommend it enough to anyone who can afford it. I don't love waiting until they come for a clean house, but at least he will pick up his things before they come to clean. He actually does this willingly, which is great. In between I will throw the stuff he leaves lying around into "his" room if it stays around too long (several days). That keeps the mess in one room where I can close the door.
I don't keep in touch with his friends for him anymore. I keep in touch with mine/ours.
I do most of the shopping for the house and he has a lot of items on the list that are just his (he eats junk food and we don't). For now at least, I still pick up grocery items for him, but personal items like razors, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. are now up to him. If he runs out he will steal mine of all of the aforementioned items, so I have to keep them hidden. But I hope it's teaching him to be responsible and that "mom" won't always have a fresh everything waiting for him.
I have stopped always trying to cover for him/make excuses with our daughter. I still keep it respectful, of course. He is her dad, but his relationship with her is his responsibility. I have learned I can't make it happen or make it good.
I call him out for interrupting me or my daughter now as calmly as I can. "I was in the middle of a sentence..."
When he interrupts me when I'm on the phone, I ignore him, close my eyes and focus on the person I am talking to. He does this allllllll the time and honestly seems to think it's perfectly fine and that I am being unreasonable not constantly asking the other person to hold so he can say something random.
If I've asked a (more than) reasonable number of times for him to do something that is his responsibility, I will hire someone to do it.
I don't help him find his lost items anymore. Car keys, wallet, glasses, phone, etc. He loses one or more of these items at least once a day. I work hard not to let it get me worked up when he is thrashing around the house searching for them and blaming everyone for not caring.
Hope that helps. I am looking forward to your responses. This was a good question.
Helpful Boundaries....
Submitted by c ur self on
I like as few of boundaries as possible...But, we would not be together w/o them....So it's a double edged sword (IMO)....You are 100% right about not copying others...Because each of us have different dynamics...Although, many of us have a lot of cross over....Here is a list that helps us....
1) Traveling to places where there is a start time....We could never go to church or work together...We learned this early on....
2) Finances, we keep them separate due to different spending/ saving habits...And just the inability to agree....It's one thing we can avoid conflict over...Her income and mine are very similar....
3) Pre-planning and coming to agreement before we leave Town, State, or Country for any reason..I like structure....She is a spur of the moment thrill seeker....So if we can't come to some kind of mutual agreement...Where mutual respect for each other is paramount...(where we keep each other 1st, instead of the place, event or others) then I don't go....Or I go alone....
4) I do my laundry, and she does hers...We both do towels and bedding....It works....
5) Cleaning....Has always been 80/20 me over her...And I'm being nice:)....She don't do floors, but, she will use the dish washer....She would be a better cleaner if she could find healing for her hoarding tendencies...She's been better lately....Under pressure (Holiday gatherings, or family coming to stay for a visit) she can be amazing....To bad she doesn't adopt this mindset for her husband and herself....The boundary here is one that I placed on myself...Never do what I do as a victim or resentful....And never pick up behind her, force accountability, by not mothering...(Now I'm not perfect w/ this one, but, I'm 10 time better than i was in our early years....I'm not near as angry either!..Praise the Lord! :)
6) She is to NEVER make plans for me w/o us discussing it first...I do the same also.....
7) We have personal boundaries also concerning intimacy....It works for us, because of several things, her add, and her lose of sensitivity (chemo drugs and age)...I want it often, so, we agree on every 3 or 4 days....Since sex has gotten painful for her....I give her full body massages w/ coconut oil to pacify her...I don't mind, I love her and love doing it......(She still loves sex for about 60 seconds, when her toes start popping and her eyes role back in her head... lol,)....
8) She has her own car that we rarely use together...(it's stays junked up, most of the time)....So we use mine and I drive most of the time....
9) Communication is one that is very important, it takes a lot of mental effort from both of us....Quick responses and no filters make it tough...Limiting interruptions,, ..and making apology's is paramount....
Boundaries aren't the fix all as you know, but, they can help w/ intrusiveness and lesson the chaos and conflict....They can't produce respect or kindness or love.....
Best wishes going forward....
c
Not a big announcement
Submitted by adhd32 on
Boundaries do not need a big announcement, they are just something you no longer do or tolerate. Boundaries are unique to each relationships and morph as life changes.
I started by not doing the little things that enabled H. Guess what? He is managing. He is not happy about some things but managing.
Clear boundaries indicate what you are willing to do and what you are willing to accept. The most difficult part of enforcing them is when H has been used to certain accommodations that are no longer regularly extended. H will make snide comments like "Oh yeah, I'm not allowed to talk about my boss anymore" in the middle of a conversation or "now I have to go to (insert errand) because you won't do it anymore". It is very, very difficult for me to bite my tongue. Sometimes I literally have bite my lip in order to not respond. There will be no fighting if I don't take the bait and at this point I just want peace.
Such helpful responses
Submitted by Brindle on
And I’m glad others are finding this question helpful, too!
From your responses, I can see that I do have some already in place that I didn’t realize I had. And I’m realizing that because he lives in his own world, we have some natural boundaries that he put there without meaning to. I also see that I never picked up those things to make sure they got done. I don’t know why I managed to stay on my side of the road on that, where other things I picked up...?... but I’m glad to see that I didn’t take those things on.
Things are still lopsided over here, but you guys have my mind turning. I think this will help me to see our situation with new eyes. Already I can see some positives, and as I’ve been struggling so much with seeing him in a positive light, this is a good thing.
Thank you, and I hope the responses will keep coming!
A few thoughts...
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I think things that have made a difference for us include the following, and are in zero order of importance :D :
1. Separate bathrooms. I get to squeeze the toothpaste any damn way I please, and with reckless, ADHD abandon. Lol.
2. I'm on the far side of the bedroom, away from the door, so if my side gets bad, he doesn't have to walk through it. I don't like it messy, but it's neither easy nor natural for me.
3. Since I do the dishes, he does not get to tell me how to pack the dishwasher. I'm not haphazard, but glad I don't need to hear him tell me that I was being lazy if I packed it from front to back. I wasn't all over the places; these are preferences. I also wash all the plastic by hand, so we're not all overdosing on estrogens.
4. I do wish he would stop nagging me about time management, and JUST LET ME FAIL. On a subconscious level, I know he won't be able to resist, and that keeps me too relaxed about these things. I HATE IT. But it's something I really, truly want to improve. I think he is too anxious to let go. But when he is not around for whatever reason, I can often step up my game. But it's still my issue to fix. Gah. I wish I could see the world as he does. He is constantly, in his head, updating plans, and readjusting time sequences, and accounting for factors I might not see. It's a gift, NONS :)! I hope you appreciate it, because I think most who have it, take it for granted.
'I hope you appreciate it,
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'I hope you appreciate it, because I think most who have it, take it for granted. '
ADHDMomof2 - I think this is the hardest thing for non-ADHD spouses to wrap their heads around is what perceptions / priorities and methods of decision-making occur for ADHD people. Most of the non-ADHD stories on the site seem to show a desperate exasperation with the 'logic' of their ADHD spouse. What we non-ADHDers think is blatantly and obviously 'logical' does not seem 'logical' to an ADHDer in any way (and the ADHDer may resent our 'forcing' our logic on them.)
You are so right. But I can
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
You are so right. But I can say, even before I was diagnosed with ADHD, people would comment on my creative problem-solving skills and unique takes on things. So I may not be great with the mundane features of daily life, but give me an interesting problem to solve, and I'm your girl. ;) I will make connections between seemingly disparate things that others will overlook, and my neurotypical friends have been slack-jawed more than once by the way I solve a seemingly insurmountable problem.
But yes, the way we think in day-to-day life, even I can see is frustrating. It's frustrating for me, too. I can objectively see how easy some things should be, but that does not help it be easier. I am wired so very differently from other people, and while I love my creative mind, I wish I could flip a switch so I could be linear as needed for boring, repetitive tasks. I need someone to defibrillate my brain! LOL!
Dealing w/ boring repetitive tasks...You might try this.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't like boring repetitive tasks either...But I do love music and dancing (my own wild dancing, makes my wife laugh...And of course, since she is bad add, she usually jumps up and dances w/ me. when Im putting on a show for her...She will NEVER let me have more fun than she is having LOL..)....If I'm going to get into the mundane...Say vacuuming and sweeping and mopping...I put my ear phones on...and stick my iphone in my pocket on my Pandora app.....I will put it on quick beat music (like I do on the arc trainer at the gym) like motown or Hall and Oats and I clean and dance happily....If I get bored w/ the fast stuff, or tired LOL...( I also love... Love Songs)....I have some great Pandora channels...My favorites are....Wedding Songs Radio....Ben Rector....and Dave Barnes....
Music just cheers me right up....It make me count my blessings...It makes life better! :):)....
c
adhdmomof2...
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you for responding here...I learn so much about my wife (the things she can't, or want say to me)...She is on the far side of the bedroom, so I don't have to walk through it....I'm so your husband....**WHEN** I JUST LET HER FAIL...She doesn't like it in the beginning (more work, and more accountability for her)....But we end up growing during these times....(It keeps the target off of my back) because there is no one to blame....
I've been working on acceptance and respect of her rights (even if I don't agree, and usually don't quiet a lot :)....I want her to know I don't view her has a project...I want her to be comfortable being by my side....To be honest....It's difficult for me....(lots of soliloquies when she isn't around).....I lash out at the air about the behaviors, then I repent for not being at peace (I've already asked God to mold me and my wife by his words, I need to trust him to do that...He is faithful) and getting emotional...Then I am OK for a while...But I refuse to badger her about things...It's and endless cycle, and someone has to be the one to stop it....I think as the husband...It' should be me, I'm responsible to not argue w/ her.....One can't argue alone....Or can I ?? LOL.....
c
Arguing alone
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I can't even come close to remembering the hours of my life I've spent 'arguing alone' in my mind rehashing ADHD symptom fallout and trying to formulate how to just exactly phrase any prospective discussion so as to avoid immediate emotional volcano (RSD) from my ADHD wife. The emotional volcano immediately becomes the more marriage-threatening issue and the original ADHD symptom fallout discussion vaporizes. Of course the RSD reaction from my ADHD wife is also an ADHD symptom. In my situation Orlov's 'symptom/response/response' dynamic is actually 'symptom/response/symptom' which results in an ever-spiraling Tornado of Grief.
WIGB
Submitted by c ur self on
(trying to formulate how to just exactly phrase any prospective discussion so as to avoid immediate emotional volcano)
This was me also for years....Never worked with denial.....Now my internal and external discussions or reminds and disciplines for myself....It's mostly to remind myself to live, to know my identity, and to not engage in anything that isn't a conversation based on ownership for each of us.....So we you see we don't talk much...LOL....
c
Exactly
Submitted by jennalemone on
"I can't even come close to remembering the hours of my life I've spent 'arguing alone' in my mind rehashing ADHD symptom fallout..."
Yes, I have spent so much time doing this also. I have no comment on it, just sayin' "me too".
Setting boundaries
Submitted by phyllisrush on
I’m in the same boat. Whenever I begin to set normal boundaries, my spouse becomes pouty or worse, complains incessantly that I’ve really put them in a bind because I won’t help them. This goes on and on and on and on, wearing me down to the point that I usually finally give in because I cannot take the repeated overbearing pressure. Not sure how to be strong enough to stand my ground on what I know is healthy and normal for me.
What about kids?
Submitted by Jburn on
What a relief that I wasn't losing my mind and that I couldn't figure out why after every conversation for years, I was left feeling guilty for bringing things up or making her feel bad for pointing out obvious things that weren't getting done as promised.
But what about kids? My biggest beef with all of this is what the kids are learning/not learning from their ADHD mom who tells them to go and do all these things around the house, but doesn't do them herself. And then when reminded of this, she blames the kids for her own failures. I usually call her out on this, but this all seems to me to be deflecting the blame on another child, and reinforces the pattern of Parent - Child relationship that happens so often in Non AD(H)D vs AD(H)D ers.
I very much appreciate the suggestions for setting boundaries. I need to be much better at this. My personality is such that I will work myself until physically exhausted to please my spouse and in the end, I've realized that I've become the enabler for her not taking responsibility for her own lack of follow-through.
I come from a background where serving others is paramount and God-pleasing. But I am coming to realize after almost 2 decades of marriage to the same person that I am not actually helping or serving by doing everything that she doesn't get done. My boundaries are being set as such that I will not pick up after her anymore. This is very difficult for me because part of being a structured person is having everything in its place. It relieves my stress. I'm one of those type A's that don't have any emails in my inbox, and nothing on my desk because that tells my mind, I'm done with my work for the day. I will also not sit down and rest until the work or task is finished no matter how exhausted I am. So letting the dishes go until there aren't anymore left to use is a difficult one for me especially since she has agreed to do the dishes at least once a day (doesn't happen, but she says it does).
I am often concerned that my kids take the brunt of the abuse in this relationship because they get asked/bribed/blamed for things because she doesn't want to/didn't plan to do them herself. Any tips for kids would be much appreciated!