Here's one more question for everyone. Do your ADHD spouses always complain like my husband does? The complaints can be about ANYTHING, but usually they are about people/family members and how we all drive him crazy. Sometimes I don't think he's happy unless he is complaining about someone else, whether it's in the family or at a job. He doesn't try to practice saying GOOD things that would help him "feel" better in the long run. He is ALWAYS complaining about us to other people, which later on usually gets back to me, but it makes me feel AWFUL. My DH is one of the ones who won't work his ADHD, (so this question isn't geared towards all you who actively work on and embrace the ADHD........I admire you guys, in fact) I don't complain about him, in fact, this is the only place I vent my issues. I've usually tried to uplift him in other people's eyes, mainly because I have had to run interference because of something he's done that offended other people. Also, I am the one who has to listen to the rants and raves of his complaints. I HATE BEING A SOUNDING BOARD.
DH always complaining
Submitted by dedelight4 on 05/18/2014.
Mine does. Complaining and
Submitted by lauren07 on
Mine does. Complaining and blaming. It is the biggest turn off for me. His life's motto is ftw and it does not mean for the win.
A funny, sad story. I started thinking of him as Eeyore from the cartoon. Come to find out, his workmates called him that.
OMG....Eeyore is so Perfect
Submitted by kellyj on
I didn't even know how to spell it until I just read it in your post. I used to call my ex-mother in law the same thing....Eeyore.... because of the same reason.......Debbie Downer would also work in her case.
I wanted to throw out that I had come to the realization that for her......she had reached the point where she was just perpetually depressed because her life just hadn't worked out the way she had planned or hoped it would be and she simply had given up hope.
That was her interpretation of it and what she externalized outwardly to the world.
In reality... looking in at her. She did little or nothing to take any actions or steps to do anything about it. It seemed she was waiting for something or someone to come along by magic and rescue her from her own life and then constantly complained that she had been "wronged" and life wasn't fair.
I've got news for you ( I silently wished I could say to her but knew it would serve no purpose other than to here myself say it ).... " Life isn't always fair and usually isn't more often than not......on a daily basis in fact. You've just never figured that out yet! Dear Lord......sitting on your sofa smoking cigarettes, drinking wine and watching TV is no game plan for success!"
And in keeping with what I"m try to do as often as I can......I picture my ex-MIL doing this and have to ask myself when I start to complain....is this me too?
I think this is the definition of being a victim.
Sounds like that mil had more
Submitted by lauren07 on
Sounds like that mil had more reason to be Eeyore than my husband. I noticed it as soon as we got stationed overseas, shortly after we married. So, you have this young guy with a great career, a newly pregnant wife (planned baby), and living in Europe, yet still manages to be depressed. Omg, what was there to be depressed about? All he had to do was work. I took care of EVERYTHING else. He just complained about everything and nothing. That is NOT who I married!
At one point I said to him, "can you at least pretend to be happy around the baby? I don't want it having to see you like this all the time."
I'm still thoroughly ticked off that I was conned into marrying this personality. His words too "I feel like I tricked you". If I hadn't married him when I did, I would have had to move on, so it was rushed. His wanting a baby so much and my age caused us to rush into pregnancy. Uggh, I am SO MAD at myself. I never even considered he'd turn out to be the opposite of what I was looking for in a partner. Now I have to go live in the land of ice and snow unless I want my child to be 20+ hours away from his dad and extended family. I wanted to live in the northwest. I currently live at the most beautiful beaches.
Now who sounds like Eeyore;p So, so funny though that he got that nickname from his work buddies and me (privately).
Oh, he used to complain about this one guy who couldn't pull his weight and was literally helpless. There was something mentally wrong with him, yet he got the same pay and even got promoted eventually. My husband couldn't stand him and the stories even made me mad. But as my husband got worse at home, I finally slipped and called him by that guy's name. I know it stung, but I was super frustrated and it was the honest truth. My husband drove me more crazy than that guy drove my husband crazy;p
The Things I Said
Submitted by kellyj on
Can apply to both sides......I have just had a very real revelation as to the problems I am facing with my wife concerning anger and negativity. For me they are inextricably linked and it becomes a cycle that feeds off each other to perpetuate it and even increase it in intensity.
here's the problem as I see it......(you can also apply this to the things you just said.
One person starts the chain reaction.....it doesn't matter who. The other person gets self righteous and says things like you said "sounds like...more reasons to be Eeore." in who's opinion? who decides who has any rights to how someone should feel about anything for some one else? (just follow me please)
one's you've decided that they have no reason or right that they should feel the way they do......everything starts going to shit in a hurry.
The other person starts feeling their rights are being denied from them and that person has just passed sentence on them. They experience negativity and move away from the source. Which then makes them even more unhappy (more negativity) that gets mirrored back to the self righteous person as this person being negative....which they feel they have no right to be......since they have made this unilateral decision for them.
Once this pattern starts......it becomes self perpetuating until something or someone breaks the cycle.
All it takes is one person to feel unhappy about something and this pattern starts and both people are feeding into it their own feelings of negativity. If one person stops feeding into it.....the only thing that is left is the other person and their input of negativity.
But this makes it really hard for the person who's stopped feeding it and trying t stay positive not get sucked back into the loop and be around someone who is negative all the time and can't get out of it......eventually, they can't fight back al this negativity themselves and not have it affect them.(that's me here)
But the problem begins with the fact that no one can possibly exist on this planet without feeling negativity at some point including Jesus and Buddha for example.....not possible.
The problem isn't who, what or why someone is negative or has a right to feel this way.......the problem is the pattern and cycle that is created by it and then....figuring out how to stop it. That's the problem.
I have an extreme aversion to negativity for a variety of reasons (including a new one perhaps....emotional liability) This is on my end. I have to stop and realize this when other peoples negativity is affecting me adversely and not make it about them.....including whether they have a right to feel this way. But.....I do have the right to choose to be around it as long as I'm dong it for that reason up to a point......that is, assuming I am sensitive to it....I can allow for a certain amount of feeling uncomfortable and just living with y feeling instead of spewing them out and ruining everyone else day.....especially if they are being positive and appear to doing alright even if I'm not ie: "you don't have the right to be negative if I'm not.....or the other way around...."you don't have the right to be happy if I'm not happy" see what I mean?
it's just a vicious circle with no end......it's not about the actual issue...it's about having to live within this shitty negative circle of environment. I've joked about it like you are entering "the ring of repugness"....way yuckky.
Submitted by boilergirl on
This has gotten worse in the last year or two and is seriously dragging me down. I call it being negative, he calls it being "realistic." It is absolutely draining to hear him complain about other people all the time. I don't think he complains about us (he works from home and really doesn't have any close friends), but he is always complaining out loud or to me. I just say nothing because I don't want to encourage it, yet it never stops him. I can't imagine why you would want to be miserable all the time and choose to do nothing about it.
Negativity Feels Like Dying
Submitted by kellyj on
I don't want to get all "new age-y" here but negatively is psychologically harmful to your health. It's like cancer for the sole and it really does feel like dying.
I can think of 100 references (maybe more if you give me time) that says this in one way or another pre dating the bible and throughout history in one form or another.
I just like to use "the power of positive thinking"
All you have to do to prove this to yourself is by stopping for a moment any time you are feeling negative about anything and change your words (write it down if you have to ) and not allow a single negative word or inference into the things you are saying.
You'll find it is not easy to do....in fact, you may find that at first you can't do it (that's why you will need to write it down) But after a couple of attempt and rewrites to get rid of all negativity.......wa la! The negativity will be gone! And you will know it because of how you feel.
What I'm saying is that you may still be disappointed, disheartened, aggravated, upset, sad...whatever. But you won't FEEL the negative part. That's the shift that takes place instantly......you can tell by the way negatively feels only after it is gone...
Then go back and add it back in as before.....that won't be hard. lol
Negativity is different than other emotions but it hides itself so you think that feeling sad also feels like negativity...but it doesn't and it isn't.
I figured this exercise out on my own so I thought I would share it here not knowing if it exists in other forms. It happened at a moment while I was in great dispair by accident.
it's pretty cool.....and it works.