My wife and I have been married for almost 4yrs and have two wonderful kids (yes, we moved quickly). When I met her and we dated, granted it was for a fairly short time, she was on adderall (I didn't really know that at the time). She told me she had ADHD, but I didn't really understand what that meant at the time and she was a ton of fun to be with, so I didn't really think much of it. I assumed it just meant she had trouble focusing and remembering things sometimes, which I thought we could work through with no issues.
After we got married though, she stopped taking the adderall for various reasons and (though I didn't understand why at the time) it was like her personality changed and she was suddenly always mad about something or other and she was always getting after me about one thing or another. Honestly, it started driving me crazy pretty quickly, and to top it off anytime I told her I was upset about it she responded that it was all my fault (which just confused and angered me). She could never just be happy, and any little thing that was stressful or didn't go exactly as she wanted it too caused huge arguements because she acted like it was all my fault, and i'm stubborn enough that I won't just accept blame for things that I know I had nothing to do with.
After a while and a lot of reading it finally dawned on me what ADHD meant, and that it wasn't just her being angry all the time for no reason. That helped me to understand a bit, but it doesn't really help you when the ADHD person is yelling at your over things that you KNOW aren't your fault and nothing you say can persuade her of that. She's finally started taking adderall again, though these days it seems sometimes like our marriage is hanging by a thread, so I'm not sure if it's too-little too-late, or if I'm at fault for not being able to 'handle' her mood swings and anger. Her doctor started her on 30mg for a month to see how she reacts, and when she takes it she's great for about half the day...then she starts getting angry and once again everything she's frustrated with is my fault and she takes it out on me. She also has bouts of severe depression and refuses to take the adderall because she swears it won't help, yet after I eventually talk her into taking it she is fine.
I know I can be stubborn but I'm trying hard to accept blame when things are my fault (and even when it's not my fault if it avoids an arguement)... but the problem is that things AREN'T always my fault, even though she acts like they are. I feel like the only way for me to save the marriage is for me to just give in all the time and let her call me names and say mean things without ever saying anything back....but that just makes me miserable and I'm not sure I can do that all the time.
So.... I came here for advice, whether it's "you're wrong and you need to change" or "she needs to learn to control herself better". At this point I'll take anything, I just need to know what other people in my position think.