A Different Sort of Hope...

Today was a weird day.  I woke up, and a sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Everything was slow to start, even my normal happiness about my job didnt get my motivation going.  I had so much to do today, and I just could not focus or think straight.  All that I worked on was running late - even breakfast.  Then my cousin showed up around 10 and it was a total surprise to see her!  I guess she thought I was murdered since I didnt return a text from last night or this morning (I was on calls all morning so I didnt even have a chance LOL).  So she comes over, and we got to talking.  And she starts telling me how her husband loves me to death, and was so excited about seeing my "big change"... She told me that he was telling all his friends at his birthday party how his cousin (me) was shedding my old skin, and turning into a butterfly.  That I had my shit together like no one else, and once I could push through all this mess that I was going to metamorphisis into an amazing butterfly and fly anywhere I wanted.  Man...  that just hit me in the heart so hard.  I didnt think that he even gave me a second thought when I wasnt in his presence... it taught me a pretty hard core lesson that I needed to learn.  Just because my husband doesnt SEE me, doesnt mean that others are BLIND to me.  WHAT and amazing feeling.... and then it made me cry because it hit me that I wanted my husband to SEE me in the same way. 


I have been working very hard to become a better me.  Exercising when I dont want to, eating foods I would rather not because its better for me.  Trying to regain my own self control, and not let my husbands struggles define me.  I have taken back the control he exerted on me with his threats of leaving.  I am no longer letting him tear me down like that anymore.  I am not good enough for him.  Ok - no problem.  He can go find better  - what ever that might be.  Because I deserve more, and I am not ever going to live like I did for the past 7 years again. NO MORE.


While its liberating, its also depressing... I have to mourn all the things I wanted to do with him.  But I realized... those very same things can be AMAZING even with out him.  I cannot wait to go to a camping event, and have the whole tent to myself!  I can set up my own little camp bathroom!!!! (this is such a luxury you have NO idea.. LOL - I am actually GIDDY thinking about it!).  I will attend these glorious medieval events, and spend time with old friends and make new ones.  I will have a blast going to parties.  I even have a new event on FB for January for having a "Hobbit Party" with some friends.  October is booking up quick!  The great thing is - people understand where I am at (with my dog) and know that right now I wont leave/travel etc... but including me in plans for the future?  Well - that is encouraging!  That is giving me a new hope!  (and I dont even have Obi Wan Kenobi to help me here LOL).


For a treat - these are the events I am talking about - short but AWESOME!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efYwxs1VtCs


On top of all that - I was SO not motivated to do my work out today.  Even went as far as to see if splitting up the cardio was a good idea (turns out that can be very effective - but thats not why I was looking).  But I sucked it up and got on there.  And I went even HARDER than I have in a long time.  I did some interval training, at different intensity levels - doing 5 minutes at level 6 which is a HUGE deal for me (on my elliptical).  I went from being unmotivated, to kicking ASS today.


AND THEN... I watched the most amazing documentary on World of Warcraft ... Its called /afk Away From Keyboard.  I swear, EVERYONE should watch it who has a gamer in their life.  It really was eye opening and insightful.  I didnt think I would like it - but really, its given me a whole different perspective about things and I am so glad of it!  

If you struggle with video games, I totally recommend this video - it seriously was helpful to me:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mae1Dhz_Ufg


My motto for months now has been "He is leaving, and I am OK"... and for a while there, it was REALLY hard to be OK.  I think maybe I needed a reminder of how much more my life can be (with or with out him).  All I have to do is CHOOSE IT.