I don’t normal post to boards but I feel that I have no where to turn to. So, about a year ago I kicked my husband out of our house due to his anger issues, even though we had just started couples counseling, at the time I was upset and didn’t know what I was doing and just acting on pure emotion and adrenaline, we are both in our early 50's. And I didn’t know what type of emotional rollercoaster he was going on because at the time things were not going well for us both emotional and physically he knew that his job was going to be ending soon, he works at small organization that as of next month won’t exist, and I am a stay at home parent and getting help from my parents. Since separating almost a year ago and still not yet divorced he has gotten his own place and sees our two teen kids almost every day, does pickups drop-offs, cooks dinners, doctor’s appointments and tries to do as much as possible with them. I see he has been working on himself a lot through counseling, doesn’t smoke cigars or drinks anymore and I could see that he was really trying to better himself now, neither of us do drugs. He used to have anger issues which would explode and then 5 minutes later he was back to himself, he has apologized to all of us, which I am willing to accept and I know the kids miss him being here. Our younger child has ADHD and my husband has been helping him with the emotional ups and down of being a ‘tween boy with ADHD emotional issues with help through his counselor. But I lied to my friends, family, therapist, doctors and lawyers about the level of emotional and alcohol abuse and lack of intimacy but there were problems but not they, but not at the level I told everyone they were worst then what was reality. But now I am stuck in this lie that I cannot back out of, because without him having an income and the real possibility of me owning him in this divorce I could possibly lose my house. I keep telling myself that I would be better off without him but he has made himself indispensable in some situations especially now that he will be out of work at the end of the month. I also keep telling myself that the kids would be better off with him, but he keeps proving me wrong. My divorced friend tells me that being divorced is greatest freedom she ever had instead I am more exhausted without someone there to help in trying to keep the house clean, keeping food on the table and making sure the kids have their homework done and are dressed properly. I keep telling myself I don’t want to be married again, and keep telling myself that I have to be strong then our friends tell me that he still loves me, sigh and I can see he misses me. I often miss the physical warmth of him, his quirky sense of humor, the weird things he sometimes does, and now his new found devotion to our kids. Please help me solve this dilemma.