Hello all…I have been lurking here for sometime and just want to say a BIG thank you to you all. Having access to a site like this has been very helpful in my quest to understand ADD.
I have a question about setting boundaries, I’m hoping you can help me with, but first some background details.
My partner is going thru the process of diagnosis, which is difficult because of our current location (more about that later). We have been together for 8 years, the first year and a half we lived in different towns and only saw each other infrequently, then we started living together and it didn’t take long to figure out something was not quite right. Sure he was a bit forgetful, disorganised etc but that didn’t really bother me as he has many good qualities too. What really bugged me was the issue of communication, don’t get me wrong he has no trouble in talking, in fact we gave him the nickname of “Mr have a chat” because no matter where we went he would always strike up a conversation with anybody! But I noticed between us, his conversation was always on the lighthearted or everyday subjects, never anything deep and meaningful or intimate unless I started it, he very rarely asked any questions, and sometimes seemed disinterested when I’m talking to him, which given his overall behaviour seemed out of character. Of course I talked to him about it and was given the classic “ I will have to try harder” speech, and he did, but it only lasted for so long. That set the pattern for the next few years, then we moved to a remote location, where the nearest neighbour was 40km’s away, so it was just us…. 24/7…..I thought it would be great, working together, having to rely on each other, all the things we said we wanted, peace and quiet, grow our own veggies, have time to spend on our hobbies (well my hobbies, he doesn’t have any).....it would bring us closer together….RIGHT???
I can see some of you chuckling or shaking your heads J Of course what it really did was dramatically show the ADD traits in all their glory…..the chronic forgetfulness, simple conversations have become a nightmare with the mishearing and misunderstanding, having to repeat myself to the point where I just want to scream in frustration, the avoidance and denial…I could go on but you all know the score! There was also a couple of bout’s of depression to contend with, and all the time I was trying to figure out (singlehandedly) what the problem was, until eventually I was exhausted said “you need to get some help or I’m outta here”. The night I delivered that ultimatum, I went online, found this site, spent the next few hour’s reading and going wow, yep, uh huh that’s him to a tee!
I’ve purchased a couple of books, just finished Gina Pera’s, Is it you, me or Adult ADD, learnt about enabling, so I’m conscious of that now, and he is seeing a therapist, but unfortunately she is 650km’s away, so that’s only every 8 weeks.
My question is this…how do you set boundaries when the main problem is communication and in particular for me the lack of intimate conversation, and I’m not talking sexual, I’m talking about the personal private type of conversations that couples have about everything and anything, so as the years pass you KNOW each other and thru that have formed a deep connection. But even our normal conversations are lacking, since we have been living up here, I will say something about an interesting article I read on facebook for example, and he will respond with “oh rightyho” or something similar, doesn’t ask any questions to keep the conversation going or lead on with another topic that it may have reminded him of.
In regards to communication about ADD, I have suggested that since he can only see a therapist infrequently , we need to talk about it regularly, he needs to let me know what he is thinking, feeling when an ADD related issue arises, I suggested reading an article every morning, written by someone on this site who has ADD and lists what ADDer’s need to do, including over communicating with their spouses, I’ve suggested discussing the ADD books or articles on theis website, I suggest writing lists, reminder’s etc and he agree’s with everything I’ve said…and none of it happens or happens once and is forgotten again and I’m done nagging, reminding and hoping!
Anyway…thanks for listening, hoping you might have some idea’s.