My husband, who has ADHD and other issues, lives with and is caregiver for his parents. He has been doing so most of the time since September 2011. The arrangement was supposed to be temporary; he said he would look for a permanent, good-paying job while at his parents' home. He never has. (I think he agreed to the arrangement so that he'd have a socially admirable reason for not looking for work and for being away from me.) During most of this time, even though our relationship was and continues to be rocky, I've tried to offer my husband moral support as far as the caregiving goes. His dad is a hard guy to live with and get along with; his mother has dementia and her condition has worsened. I understand much about the physical and psychological difficulties of the situation. My husband barely talks to his siblings, not because they don't like each other (they do like each other) but because he and his family sweep a lot under the rug. I have felt an obligation to provide moral support despite our marriage falling apart and despite the fact that the caregiving job has contributed to the destruction of our marriage.
Last week, one of my husband's brothers visited him and their parents from out of state. He did so, in large part, because I sent him an email commenting on how difficult the situation has become. I thought my husband would appreciate having another family member there for a little while.
This weekend, after the brother's return to his home, I was curious to find out his impressions of the situation. I communicated with my sister-in-law. Among the things she told me is that she and her husband (the brother) have the impression that my husband wants to spend time with me but doesn't because he is unwelcome in our home. They have this impression because my husband said this to his brother. This statement is partly false, partly distortion, and partly incomplete. I'm very upset. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are the only members of my husband's family who have taken the time to communicate with me in the past few years, and now I feel as though my husband has purposely tried to turn them against me, by misrepresenting to them the reasons for him not being here. Yes, we have marital problems. No, I'm not the person who encouraged my husband to bury himself in this job. Yes, I'm the person who has tried very hard to get him to come see our daughters when they're home. Yes, I'm the person who initiates communication with my husband; he never calls and never emails when he is at his parents' home (24/7, 350 days per year).
I feel ashamed, humiliated, and sick. Any tips for making myself feel better?