My husband was diagnosed with ADHD. He's always been chaotic, disorganised, forgetful, late didn't make the best choices ect. But before we had kid's it wasn't a huge deal for me. Don't get me wrong, he did massive damage to our relationship, but it wasnt a life or death thing. He was very happy, fun, laid back, and didn't have a problem with me being the organized one. I was young and naive.
We got married and he started medication shortly after when I did some research and then got him to a doctor. He improved slightly with his impulsiveness, which made me feel it would continue to improve. We decided to have kids as he is fabulous with kids (being a big kid himself).
Well, since then I've been a wreck of anxiety due to constantly having to watch over his parenting due to him making incredibly stupid and dangerous decisions while parenting them. A great recent example is he attempted to take our kids out in a bike trailer, riding on the road in the dark on snowy roads with no lights. Other examples are he refuses to fasten the car seat up correctly when driving with them, he almost let a stranger at a camp site take our three year old son down to the beach (we did not know this person) alone prior to my stopping it, he doesn't put bike helmets on the kids, he invited several strangers to our campfire on that same trip during covid, and shared food with them and refused to social distance, he doesn't social distance or act careful any other time and I have asthma and our son is at risk, he feeds our son who's got nutrient deficiencies candy and sugar all day if left to his own devices, he leaves charger cords left plugged in all over the house (I have to do a scan daily several times a day), pills lying around, scissors and dangerous tools all over the place, he forgets to put plug blockers back in after removing them, one of the worst is he - after his father became voilent in our home after drinking and we agreed he wasn't to drink around our kids or be left alone with them,.he still allows him to drink around them and tries to leave him alone with them, he himself has been caught driving them after drinking (only 3 beers he'll say), he smokes weed in front of them when he gets too messed up to think about it, ge has alcohol and weed issues that he refuses to admit, the list goes on. He doesn't remember to feed them, or put them to bed on time if he's left to his own devices, ect. And all of this has no consequences to it for him, because in order for me to let him suffer consequences, I would be putting my childrens safety at risk.
He loses it on me daily saying I'm micromanaging his parenting. That I'm not adventurous, im negative, I'm anxious ect ect. And yes, I am anxious. I no longer feel like myself. I've lost myself in managing him. From having to watch over all the time, and go behind him to check on things to ensure my kids don't get put in danger or seriously injured.
Along with this, he's on Vvanse and has become incredibly and increasingly arrogant and haughty, angry, and emotionally abusive.
And to top it off, he denies he has adhd and states he only takes it for energy, doesn't believe in adhd, and that anyone could fail that test. If I bring it up, he becomes enraged and loses it. It's not really permitted to be spoken about in our house and I'm tired of this. When I started really suffering from anxiety due to all this craziness, chaos, and safety concerns, he began to gaslight me, making my anxiety the scapegoat for his terrible choices and bad behaviour. You have anxiety, your being paranoid, I'm just not paranoid like you, all my friends think your paranoid ect. I know his friends and they def know very well how adhd he is and how he makes bad choices, so I don't buy it one bit. I've spoken to them, they know im non adhd and very organized and level headed. But of course, when someone is gaslighting you, telling you daily you have anxiety, you get worse anxiety! And it's become so bad I'm now on medication. He's not there for me one bit and never has been. I'm emotionally alone. Our intimate life is non existent as I've lost so much respect for him I have no desire left for him. And yet I still love him and can't let go. I wish I had realized all this would happen before we had kids. My family no longer speaks to him or his family after the way he has been treating me and after his fathers voilent episode. They have anger demons the both of them. When he becomes angry he gets incredibly emotionally abusive, name calling, put downs, mean comments, low blows. Then the silent treatment, treating me like a room mate he hates, and pouting for weeks. I gave up trying to apologize (taking all blame that wasn't mine to take) as it only opened a door for more gaslighting and blame on me with no apology from him for his hand, and it was emotionally destroying me. I set a boundery that I don't care how long it drags on for, i would ignore it and treat it like a pouting teenager. When we had small babies I was treated like I didn't exist and he went on mini mid life crisises, trying to turn hobbies into careers, befriending single women, drinking himself silly, dissappearing all night, and blamed me. I was completely alone with the babies (emotionally and physically). I've never been able to forgive him for that.
We sleep in separate beds. He leaves for work prior to me and the kids waking, and doesn't come home until well past 530pm. And he states hes swamped with work and can't catch up 24-7. Yet he has very few jobs on the go (construction) and I've yet to see invoices go out for all this supposed work. He blows up if I bring it up. And I know hes lolly gagging around all day in his office getting nothing done and won't admit it. Financially, he's failing this family and blowing up on me when I state I'm going back to work so I can pay bills myself without having to ask for money and get answers like, my accounts low, can you wait a while ect. I had my own career and I'm better educated then him and he thinks I won't make as much as him when he literally makes nothing and works 12 hour days. I have a business degree and ran a department for a huge franchise. It's honestly laughable as it's his low self esteem at play. He constantly complains hes depressed and blames me and our marriage yet makes no steps to work on his adhd or acknowledge his hand in what's happened. My counsellor told me I need to tell him I've lost respect for him. I don't even want to know what effect that would have on his temper.
Im so hopeless. I can't leave him and leave my kids alone with him 50% of the time in the event of a divorce, as I'm scared for their safety, but staying in this situation is sucking the life out of me.
Does anyone else with an adhd spouse fear for their kids safety?? Does anyone have advice? Even how to get someone with adhd out of denial to see the damage they are doing to their marriage and family??