Divorce :-(

The past few days/weeks have been the darkest days of my life. Sadly, my spouse (I have ADHD, spouse does not) has decided he wants to divorce and we filed in March. We are in our late 20's and do not have children.

I was looking at some old pictures of us the other day and nearly doubled over in grief. Despite all of our issues and pending divorce, he is still the sexiest and funniest person I know. I love the way his mind works and the clarity of his writing/thinking. I always loved talking with him and I'm dying inside knowing that our story is ending. I truly believe we have a once in a lifetime connection and have no idea how I'll overcome my grief.

Our condo closing is coming up soon (in early June). We are currently both living in the condo, though he is gone frequently. He is buying me out of the condo. I've never experienced this amount of stress and sadness in my life. I'm filled with guilt and remorse. I'm trying my best to cope & accept the situation, keeping busy working my 3 jobs (all pay under $11 an hour, but I like the jobs OK and people I work with) and talking with family members frequently. Since I work at schools, my jobs end and are unpaid over the summer.

I don't know whether I want to re-locate out of state. Family members are pressuring me to move to a larger, urban area where they live. I live in a small New England state and have a liberal arts BA. I don't know if re-location to a new state is the answer right now, if it will be good for me to get away from here where are of the marriage memories are, or if relocating to a new state without a job lined up will only heighten the stress. I've moved many, many times in my life (over 8 times, and I'm only 28). I don't have any family where I live right now. My family can really irritate me for various reasons, but they are trying to be there for me. My 2 closest friends are both out of the country. I'm also hesitant to relocate b/c I'm successful in my current full-time job, and I have had some job issues in recent years. However, my full-time jobs pays terribly (again, under $11 an hour). Despite my ADHD and office failures, I want more for myself than this.

They say you shouldn't make life changing decisions during a crisis, and I can see why...

It is a miserable game of ping-pong back and forth in my head, should I relocate to a new state or not? Ping pong, ping pong, ping pong. Being home is a really terrible experience,as I see all of our stuff, a reminder of all that I am losing and all that I've fucked up. I end up crying every night when I come home from work.

Lost & Sad...I would greatly appreciate some comments/thoughts on this.