Divorce and Kids

I have been a lurker here for a couple of years, often drawing strength from knowing I was not facing some strange altered view of life. 

In November, after ready The ADD Spouse, I chose to leave my spouse permanently. 

Lying, procrastination, depression, medication shifts and all the rest of the yucky underbelly of dealing with someone with ADHD was just too much for me. Don't get my wrong, my ex is an amazing individual. But being a great person in the heart and being able to function in a family are very differnet things.

The worst part about leaving was that when things were stable, life was synchronized, patterns were set, hormones were even, medication was level, the moon was in the seventh house (okay, maybe not that. :)), then I felt terrible about leaving. This person loves me! I can ask my ex to go gluten-free, change doctors, try new treatments! Have hope! 

But, at the end of the day, living with someone with ADHD takes a very special person that I was not able to be. I came across as agitated and betrayed and controlling. In retrospect, I think it is what ADHD did to me: ADHD has side effects on the spouse, too. 

I've read and read here about the pain and debates about ADHD. No one is as beautiful as my ex is to me. No one will likely love me more. But today, I had to see my ex for a psychiatrist appointment -- one where I thought she was getting treatment and guidance from an expert. But in the end, it turned out, she hadn't seen the doctor regularly, wasn't getting the psychological help she needed and, just is being medicated. My heart broke all over again. 

...somehow, some way, I thought that she would get help at last. And sadly, nothing had changed. 

Tonight I'm glad to have made the decision to be free from ADHD and feel at peace knowing that it wouldn't have mattered what I'd done: my ex's ADHD rules her world. And, I guess by survival, no longer rules mine.