If you've read some of my other posts here, you know I am at my wit's end and that I feel divorce is inevitable. At this point, I am waiting to get some ducks in a row, which could take months or could take a few years.
One day last year when I was hurt by something my husband did, I wrote a letter to him that said I wanted a divorce. It was an issue-by-issue breakdown of why. I feel lonely, like his last priority, I need intimacy in a marriage (we have been sexless for 8-9 years), he refuses to hold traditional employment while I have always worked hard, I do 99% of the parenting, 99% of the meals and cleaning and I am simply worn out, etc., etc. There are more issues and most/all are related to ADHD symptoms. The issues in the letter are ones I have raised several times in the past decade with a great will to work with him. I hoped for years he would join me in trying to improve our relationship. He has not so they are still issues and I no longer have any "will" left on my end. He is in denial about ADHD or he truly cannot see it.
Anyway, the letter is many pages long and writing it helped me stabilize my emotions at that time so I did not give it to him.
My question is... when the time comes, should I... give him the letter? Or not? Virtually every piece of advice I have read online says to keep your statement that you want a divorce simple and kind/compassionate. The advice says to basically say the marriage isn't working for you and you would like a divorce. The general consensus from experts/lawyers/psychologists seems to be that this conversation sets the tone for divorce proceedings and a friendly coparenting relationship so you shouldn't rehash the issues. And the future coparenting relationship is vitally important to me. BUT... it makes me oh-so-mad to leave these things in my letter unsaid. I want him to know why the marriage didn't work. Even though I've raised these issues before over the years, no doubt he has forgotten what they are because they were never important to him. He thinks he is a fantastic father and husband. If I simply ask for a divorce and keep it that simple, my fear is that he will see the end as all my fault and it is really really not. He will get to tell his family I am the one that did this "out of the blue for no reason". Because of his impulsivity, he will likely tell our daughter the same. And that last one is the one that gets me because she and I have an incredible bond I don't want undermined. I don't deserve that.
But will taking the high road by not mentioning the issues pay off for me? Do I have to let it all go like I have with so many things? I honestly feel like I can't be objective right now because I am still mired in the issues and feel very resentful over what his denial and untreated ADHD has done to us. We could have worked so well if he were only willing. But he's not and I accept that I can't get him there.
Can anyone who has experienced a divorce give me some advice here? I think it is natural emotionally for me to want to say "I want a divorce and here is why," but does it serve me better to hold that last part in? Honestly, I have held a lot in over the years to my detriment... denying/suppressing my feelings has hurt me... so will I later wish I had let it all out and have no opportunity to do so?
Just looking for opinions I guess. This is so hard.