Is divorce inevitable if we have the same vicous cycle?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5.  We have a 5 year old son with autism and have an 8 month old daughter.  Life with my husband has had many wonderful moments and I find myself loving him time and time again.  He holds a job and has held a job our whole relationship and I know statistically he is an anomaly.  I should also mention that in the last two years he has begun the meds dance with anti-depressents and stimulants.  He also suffers from OCD, tourettes, and of course ADHD.  We have also been wondering if he might be autistic (him and I) as we recently went through the autism diagnosis for our son and he realized that he has many of the same tendancies as my son.  He toe walks, has trouble with eye contact, recoils from affection (sex has to be in the dark - he enjoys it but doesn't want me to see him naked).  The list goes on and on and I have simply come to a place where I have gotten used to many of his rules and differences from my girlfriends' spouses.  

I am the breadwinner and I know I always will be because he cannot finish a college course and has never been one to impress his supervisors at work - he keeps himself right under the wire in terms of keeping his job.  His current job he has been passed up for a raise at every opportunity due to not making adequate progress - he blames his coworkers/boss.  

I think about divorcing him every year and every year I talk myself out of it - I find a way to forgive him/justify his behavior/work on our communication/blame myself.  2010 we lived in Abu Dhabi and I taught and he stayed at home with our then 2 year old son.  We fought constantly.  He did not do a thing to lift a finger around the house and retreated to his online role-playing as soon as I got home every day - calling me on my way berating me for not leaving work sooner.   He told me during that time that he never loved me.  We decided to move back to the states to get early intervention for our son and I realized for us to work I needed him to work so I wouldn't resent him for spending all my money and not lifting a finger at home (no cleaning, no meals nothing).  My bonus was then used to purchase his well researched an obsession for many months, the MAZDA speed 3 hatch.  And thus started his auto-cross racing obsession while I worried endlessly about our next home/my next career/and diagnosing our son's autism he thought about modifications for our "family car" to race.

I was hired sight unseen to teach in Alaska.  We moved again to the middle of nowhere in terms of friends and family and I have to say that again this feels like a huge contribution to our marital issues. I began the job of my dreams and he found a job.  He started racing his car and had to replace his clutch within weeks and the money pit mazda speed began.  I bought a 4500 suburu and never had to put a penny into it while I watched every extra penny go into performance parts that were a must.  He begged/pleaded/insisted and when I resisted I was the bitch.  Each argument I felt like I was spinning.  I became pregnant and turned to this forum in the first Alaskan winter with my hormones at full speed.  I was ready to leave him.  not sure where my posts are but if I were to circle back to them I know that there was some serious issues in our marriage that we went to some counseling and we moved past.  Now add a baby to my full - time care of my son and life got more complicated.  He cannot handle the kids on his own.  


Oh we can live through the cycles for decades if we choose.  The trick is to figure out if you want to.  You will need to define what changes are necessary for you to keep thinking it is worth it. Your husband has to agree to try to achieve those changes and for him to figure out how to do it, and follow through. I'd really like to meet someone for whom that approach worked. Usually it seems we just let more and more go. It is better to start setting your boundaries as soon as possible.  The thing about wasting time and money on hobby is so frustrating. I have not solved that one yet. Control vs emasculation is such a fine line. 

Uggh. My husband is obsessed

Uggh. My husband is obsessed with fast cars and performance parts. His VW was upgraded, but the cheaper version as a compromise to me.  Of course, it "needs" thousands more in upgrades to perform right. He stopped when I put my foot down, but I worry it will start back now. I drove the same Honda for ten years. My expensive hobby was traveling, but now I have a son to worry about. Had to grow up;)

Wish I had advice. 

shelley is right

I think Shelley is wise, here--we can handle, work on, adapt to, learn to love, let go, and deal with a lot, but the trick is figuring out whether it is good for us or whether we really want to. I have experienced starting a life with someone, making him my family, and then realizing that it was going to make me miserable for the rest of my life. A few new starts helped, but the deep unhappiness, fighting, anger, and realization that I was going to be piloting this boat and pretty much towing him behind me for the rest of my life finally became too much.

I am sorry, lkimberl. These are significant things to deal with. I am glad you have some happiness and find yourself loving him again and again. I don't take the commitment of marriage lightly, nor do I think everything is supposed to be easy and perfect in life. But these are huge questions. I think some people find a way to deal and work on it, and bless them. And some, like me, don't or can't no matter how hard they try. I do believe that our time on this earth is short, and we deserve to be happy, whatever form that takes.

By the way, what is it with the obsession with performance cars and parts? I had and still have a 10 year old car with 100,000 miles on it while he insisted on a souped-up car that needed all sorts of modifications and tires, etc. Guess who got to use the garage spot in the winter to keep his car from rusting? I finally put my foot down when the "racing" hobby almost blew out a clutch and it was going to wipe us out to replace it. Ugh. 

Best to you all!

Mine thought it would be a

Mine thought it would be a smart idea to spend $5000+ letting German mechanics fix his blown turbo. All we had was $5000:/ Mine is a mechanic, so I insisted he do the work himself, meanwhile I bought a beater car to get me through til he got back. He was deployed. Of course the turbo would blow on me. He suggested it was because I don't drive it hard enough. Ok, sure. Tell that to the girl who got 350,000 miles and 10 years out of a Honda. A Honda I had to sell only because he moved us to Germany. He fixed it for $1500 and we sold the beater for less than half of what we paid. The reason being that he wouldn't fix its problems. He wanted to charge too much for it, but was not willing to make it worth it. He even chauffeured around some kind of reeking car fluid in our son's car seat!!!! Of course he didn't put the lid on and it coated the seat and backseat. I had to clean it 3X, and when I offered to wash the back seat cover, he insists it doesn't need it. We were trying to sell the car for pete's sake. Uggh, can't wait til I'm free and I hope my son survives time alone with him. 

Sorry for the rant, just the car obsession burns me.