Hi guys,
I'm a new spouse coming into a family with two daughters, the oldest 15 with ADD and the youngest 11 with ADHD. I love them to pieces and am excited to the many things involved with parenting as I am 41 and never had any children(wanted to but that's a different talk show). My spouse is a RN at a children's hospital and has access to many professionals for advice on many avenues. My wife shares custody with her ex husband. At the time of our engagement the ex had not attended any appointments with their therapist until it was announced that we were engaged(I have attended all of them). This last october the eldest had a bout with the H1N1 Swine Flu which ended up damaging her thyroid as a result of complications with her asthma. As of January he decided that she needs to no longer be on strattera(40mg) and told this to the therapist, and now my wife apparently, has no input whatsoever to whether or not she is to be on meds since the teen wants to be off the meds as well. The therapist talked to my wife and I stating the best way to deal with this is let them have their 3 month trial so they can see how she responds to being off her meds, and basically his hands are tied. During the past 3 months I documented any behavior as I wasn't sure if certain behavior was ADD related or not, and I presented all that I observed(many pages) to the Doc and her ex husband. I asked him if he observed this behavior with this child(he's been working with her for over 7 years) would he diagnose her with ADD, he said absolutely, these are classic symptoms of ADD. The Ex had zero evidence or research to support his concern that it was the strattera that was a major issue in her getting the thyroiditus. We had another month trial for the daughter to show us that she could be responsible, proactive, and get her homework done, where her bands on her braces ... She did well for two days and quickly slid back into her pattern. We just had another meeting tonight with her father and he is still adamant that she not be on those meds(even though her trozodone has tripled for her to sleep at night). We see 3 options, keep fighting, court for custody, or give in. The wife is spent emotionally and I'm trying to support the best I can. I have always been interested in psychology and with what I'm now a part of, I can see this is an area that I want to focus on. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, maybe some advice, comments or guidance, or maybe a place to vent some frustration as it seems to be like all the effort we are putting in is similar to beating our head into a brick wall and expecting a door to appear and open up.
Thank you for having this forum available, it's greatly need,
Dane
Does he object just to Strattera or all meds?
Submitted by Sueann on
Stattera was a disaster for my husband. It made him so depressed as to not function at all. During withdrawal from it he became suicidal. The doctor never called me back when I tried to get help (no way was husband able to make a phone call).
Maybe your stepdaughter and/or her father would be willing for her to try another ADD med? Or is his problem with all ADD meds? Is he one of these annoying people who think he's fine and it's the world that's messed up? (Since he has 2 ADD/ADHD kids, I assume he has it. You didn't mention your wife having it.)
Why does the father have veto power anyway? I was a divorced mom at one point and my ex tried to veto certain treatments because the kids used his insurance.
What about leaving it up to the therapist? He should be fairly neutral. How are "his hands tied"? Surely your wife, their mother, has as much right to determine the medical care of her daughters as their father.
Don't ignore this. I have 2 daughers; one has ADD (undiagnosed) and one doesn't. The one who doesn't is a happily-married lawyer. The one who does is an addictive personality who is addicted to food, smoked at 12, got pregnant at 15 and now, at 30, has not got custody of her son, works in fast food and lives with friends because she can't afford her own place. I knew something was wrong from the time she was little, but never knew what to call it. I see every day what she could have been if her ADD had been treated when she was young.
You are very perceptive
Submitted by DaneB on
Sueann, thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me, you have no idea.
Sorry to hear about your Strattera issue, it definately goes to show you, everybody is different and that's why we have a toolbox with such a variety. Unfortunately trial and error seems to be the only way to get at it. Hopefully things are on a better path now.
Currently the stimulant meds are out of the question as they are quite incompatible with the daughter, and as far as I know Strattera is the only non-stim out there but I hear there is a new one coming down the line soon.
As you have guessed he is one of those annoying people. From what I have been able to observe from the limited contact, and trying to unbias what the wife has dispensed about him, he appears to have a touch of ADD, depressive, a little ocd, and very manipulative and is never wrong as the world is messed up. Their marriage counselor even said in a session with them "My goodness you sure are manipulative aren't you!". He is not interested in any meds for her and is trying to get he ADHD child off her meds as well but she doesn't want any part of that as she can't function without her meds and she knows it. He belive these Strattera is affecting her immune system(of course he has no proof, its just a feeling). His other contention with Strattera is the appetite supression as she has a hard time keeping and putting on weight, and the fact she would have to take another med infuriates him. I feel diet wise his constant pressuring her to eat is the maiin culprit as right now she doesn't like veggies(2 years ago you couldn't keep enough veggies in the house) and now only likes meat and certain cheeses, oh and Oreo milkshakes.
The wife admits that she may have ADD a little bit as well but if she is, she is extremely high functioning as she does Neonatal ICU in the best hospital in the city. She is a very nurturing loving caring mother and wife(yeah, I'm spoiled) and is willing to fight this as long as it doesn't hurt the children.
The therapists hands are tied in that if he were to prescribe against the wishes of the husband(yes his insurance) he would be liable in some fashion when parent's are at odds. It could be that his policy dictates this, and has stated a number of times, he sympathises with the mother on this as he has been managing the girls AD/HD for over 7 years now and is frustrated that she is "struggling".
I say struggling in quotes because she is extremely intelligent(iq about 140) and is naturally compensating which we can see is taking it's toll on her. She is one of those kids who if she was on her meds could breeze through highschool 4.0 without any effort. Right now it's observing a tantrum when she is asked to write a paper which is due the next day. I'm considering video taping her episodes to show her and her father that she is not "FINE"
Thank you again,
Dane
Your stepdaughter sounds like my daughter
Submitted by Sueann on
Both my kids tested at IQ 142. The one has borne out that early promise by becoming a lawyer (recently started her own firm) and happy wife and mother.
But the one with ADD always felt she knew better than me, ducked out the door after I drove her to school, went out the window when it was time for counseling appointments, etc. She has pretty well destroyed her life. Her father and i were also divorced. She's shown no interest in changing or going to college or acting like an adult. She says she's happy and I should leave her alone.
Why does she object to the medication? Does she not feel well on it? Does it depress her, like it did my husband? Does she just not like feeling "different"? Maybe she likes having ADD. My daughter does, I think. Would she take it if her mother got sole custody and her therapist prescribed it?
I'm not a medical person. Your wife is in a bad spot. I wish I'd had a supportive husband like you when my kids were this age. (I didn't marry my ADDer until they were grown and out of my house.)
It wouldn't hurt to talk to a family-law attorney in your state and see what they recomment about resolving a parental dispute like this. Good luck to you and your family.
Thank you Sueann
Submitted by DaneB on
Well eventually we do have to let them go and hope what we taught them took root.
I believe she objects to the meds only because her father is pushing the way he is, he favors the younger one and this is the only time he's really been behind her or favors her. I think once she sees it for what it really is(trying to get at her mother for being happy). Her objections are she feels "High" and she likes it, and is more outgoing, and she has an appetite. She is starting to see the effect of her forgetfullness on her mom(Mom has made 4 runs to the school this week for things she's forgotten that she absolutely needs, and forgot to do some homework and wanted to come home for lunch to do it(4hrs worth)) so she has admitted there is a problem and has agreed to be on meds when she goes to school this next year for a trial, to which her father, at first, disagreed with but then I stood up and told him that it is rediculous to expect to run his trial and have his way the entire time and not expect to run a counter trial to see the effect on. He has since recinded his disagreement to this trial.
The biggest detractor for my teen is that she has a hard time keeping weight on because her appetite is diminished when she is on the Strattera and she refuses to "Force" herself to eat. To which I have started a little education program here at home to show her that eating is more than just filling a hole when you are hungry and that the body needs so much fuel to work properly and it's not forcing yourself when it's more like prescribing good medicine that actually tastes good :).
We also told her that there is no way she will be getting her drivers liscense if she is not on her meds and if her father lets her and she does, her mom could not have her live with us as she can't condone it and would be in a horrible way if anything happened to her #1 baby.
thank you again for your participation and words of kindess and experience on this.
It is much appreciated,
Regards,
Dane
Sounds like a good resolution all around
Submitted by Sueann on
Your 15 year old is learning consequences in a good way. Nothing is more important to a 15 year old than their license. Bravo for working it out. Your wife and stepdaughters are lucky ladies.