Divorce...don't do it

Hello, I'm new here and have never written on a forum before. I was diagnosed with ADD about 7 years ago, I was given drugs to "help", but I was never told I should also explore other methods of self-help. My husband was more recently diagnosed with ADD but because he was also deeply depressed, nobody has paid attention to the ADD. If I share all my horrific details, this will go on forever! I guess what I mainly want to say this...If you are thinking about separation; DON'T do it. If you are thinking about divorce; please don't. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks and this is the absolute worst thing I have been through in my entire life. I truly feel "ripped" apart from my spouse, in every sense of the word. We were married for 21 years and have three grown children and our first grandchild will be born any day now. Our marriage was always a struggle and now that I'm researching more about ADD, so many things are making sense. I won't say that ADD was the complete cause of all of our problems but things like TIME, are very important to my husband. He would constantly ask me "how long will that take you" or "when will you be back from the market". I would say I didn't know or I'd make a very bad guess and he would get SO angry at me and feel I was disrespecting him and mocking him. I truly have no sense of time and now I understand that it's not my fault. We lost our house seven months ago. My husband says it's because I mismanaged our money. I don't completely agree with that, but I will say that I overspent on my "projects" and then I'd put them aside because I'd get overwhelmed. So many things like this are coming to memory as I learn more from the wonderful podcasts and websites I'm exploring. I so desperately want to try to make things work out with my husband, the man I love. But he won't have anything to do with me now. He is done with trying so hard at our relationship and says he needs to time to heal. He has made bad decisions in his life and career that he regrets horribly and is extremely depressed about. There is no infidelity in our marriage.

You married your spouse because, at one time, you could see the good things about them that you were attracted to. Please try to focus on those things. If you separate, it is WAY too easy to move it into a divorce. Separation brings jealousy and resentment, it does NOT help you to grow closer together. Divorce brings about such an extreme feeling of rejection and I cannot help but take it personal, even though he has taken part in the problems too. Please don't think divorce is an option. Put up with the bad and focus on the good. Work with the issues of ADD or whatever else plagues your relationship. Husband and wife need each other in hard times, not separation. If you separate, all the same problems follow you but added to that, is the extreme pain from being ripped apart. 

Sorry for rambling...its just my two cents.

 

 

I'm sorry that you are in

I'm sorry that you are in such pain.  For some people, separation or divorce is a good solution.  For you, clearly, it is not, at least not now.  Perhaps, if you both want to, you and your  husband will be able to get back together.

I'm currently separated from

I'm currently separated from my husband (a week and two days) because I found out he was unfaithful. That is the biggest reason, but all the small reasons sound so much like what you've described above. The unfinished projects, time management or lack of, plus other things because he has not been medicated for years. All these things made me feel like I was not a priority and so I became withdrawn and so on and so on. Until I discovered his affair.  

I am undecided about the future of me and my children but it is helpful to hear different perspectives of people in similar situations. Although I know their was no cheating in your relationship. I can still see the good things in this man, but all the good things are under this huge pile of bad things, the big one being the betrayal.

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. Your words really spoke to me. Maybe this separation is making things worse not better....

I (non-adhd spouse) moved out

I (non-adhd spouse) moved out 2.5 months ago - we.ve basically been separated but living together for the last 3 years, married for 18.  I have tried EVERYTHING to get us unstuck in our marriage.  All along I told him that eventually I would not be willing to try/keep going if things in our life did not change.  It.s like our life/marriage is not real or important to him or if it is he has no way of communicating it.  So I have to save myself and it is a relief to not be dealing with his tail-chasing ways everyday.  I.ve always thought that marriage is something you just keep working on, however for me it is GAME OVER.  I.m realizing that sometimes it is ok to be done.  Divorce is not a good thing but being miserable with no hope is worse - it least it is for me!

Marriage IS something that

Marriage IS something that you work on. You BOTH work on it. Since I was the only one working on it and he didn't keep most of our vows, I felt it was within my right to leave. 

 

Really?

We had nontraditional vows about supporting each other, listening, and blah blah blah. It was quite a beautiful list of EASY TO DO things that people in love should naturally strive for. His add prevented him from keeping them. He is not the cheating kind, but it can take more than cheating or physical abuse to ruin a marriage. 

Trust

How do you get past the lack of trust? I have autism and my husband has (undiagnosed) ADD. We both are depressed and have anxiety. Mine is severe. I dont trust him and because of my own tendancies NEED pure honesty and lots of information, not to mention loyalty. When Im lied to (as I have been constantly since Ive known him and didn't realize until after we married) I cant trust or forget. I dont see him the same and my love and feelings have changed.He is not who I thought I married and I feel tricked and betrayed. Every single day. But I feel what you are saying about being ripped apart. I feel that too even though we are still together. It makes me pgysically ill and I feel lime Im mourning him. Hes gone. Hes changed so much since I fell in love with him. Sure, we were 17, but my love for him has never changed until now. I just cant deal with losing him when hes right here with me. If hes gonna be gone, I want him gone. Because I dont know this person he is. I dont trust him. I dont even like him. But Im desperate for him to come back, for us to find each other again. So Im still here. Waiting for him. Like I tell him all the time, whether we divorce or he leaves me a widow or I die first and have to wander the afterlife without him, Ill be looking for him until I find him again.

I think divorce can be a good

I definitely think divorce can be the best option for some people. If someone is abusive (emotionally or physically) or the marriage issues cause either or both spouses serious health concerns then I think it's time to strongly consider a divorce or at least a separation. Untreated ADHD can certainly cause abuse and/or serious health concerns. It's also very important to be able to trust your spouse and have mutual respect.