The divorce looks inevitable to me now. He was diagnosed a number of months ago, after he had what looked like a nervous breakdown and left. He's on meds (as far as I know), but is with a non-ADD therapist (again, as far as I know) who, according to one other professional source I've consulted about this, knows almost nothing of the condition or how it should be treated. So, my husband is largely untreated and thinks all of the problems with the marriage were due to me, or, in his "kinder" moments, some vague sense of incompatibility.
OK, so I'm entering into a divorce with a husband who has severe inattentive ADD, is largely untreated, is in almost complete denial over his condition (he thinks it's responsible for just a few "endearing personality quirks" - !), is *amazing* at hyperfocusing when he really wants something, and is living in an alternate reality. He doesn't remember things either of us have said and done--or, worse, makes them up.
The saddest part is, deep down below all of this rotten shell, he is truly a wonderful person. He's rather like a Jekyll and Hyde. On the rare and fleeting moments that he "gets it" that he's done an enormous amount of damage to me and the marriage (or, as we know now, his ADD has done this), it breaks my heart to see him. You've never seen such sorrow and heartbreak, and all I can think of is "there's hope in this yet!"
But it doesn't last, and something in his brain just shoves all of that away, goes back to blaming me, and refuses to deal with his problems. It's been many months since I've seen or heard him act truly sympathetically. He has, in a way, "brainwashed" himself into believing that he's "fine," and that I was the problem. I should mention that he also has very little real empathy. It comes out in drips and drabs, but mostly he thinks that when people tell him that they're hurt, or upset, or sad, that they're lying and trying to manipulate him.
Has anyone here gone through a divorce with someone like my husband? I'm concerned that this is going to get very ugly--or at least very strange because of the way reality warps around him. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
I just want to get this over with and move on with my life. My heart has been broken enough, and I can't bear anymore from him. I wish I could forget everything that's happened in the past several years, but I know that the scars are going to be with me for a long time. I need to cut my losses and try to salvage some happiness and fulfillment in this life of mine.