First time here and I am at my wits end.
I have been married to my ADHD husband for almost 2 years now. We were friends for 30 years and engaged for a year. He only recently was diagnosed with ADHD last year and is on medication, though it's not helping.
The once kind, thoughtful, funny and supportive friend slowly started to fade about 6 months into our engagement. Though at the time, I didn't see it as clearly as I do now. His intense focus on me and our relationship and his concern for my happiness no longer seemed to be a concern. He began to ignore me and would be on his phone all night texting and on facebook. He never remembered anything we spoke of, but could retell every detail of his conversations with others. He lost or misplaced everything and flew into a rage when he couldn't find something (I would stop what I was doing to locate the item). We couldn't go anywhere unless I knew how to get there or he'd fly into a rage. He had less interest in going places with me. Our conversations became superficial and the sexual intimacy slowed significantly. He would behave as though I didn't exist. He will openly engage in very sexual flirtation right in front of me, he took no effort to hide his documented flirtations online and with his phone (he also accepts and keeps nude photos from women) and if I can drag him out on a date he won't compliment me but will spend our date pointing out all the women he thinks is hot.
When these things first started, I brought them to his attention. I work in HR so I know how to approach difficult conversation. Each time he would either say "you're crazy!" or actually deny the action or intent. He would assure me that it's just normal flirting and that he would never "Stick my dick in them." When the behavior didn't stop, I would start to get very frustrated and pretty darn angry. His only response would be, "you're crazy, I'm the perfect husband." The only time he relented was if he mentioned my crazy behavior to a friend or coworker and they would tell him that he was so wrong. But then he slides right back into the behavior with in a few weeks or maybe a month.
I begged for counseling, he said he would but never helped look. Then we separated and he said he wanted a divorce. He spent a week blasting horrible posts and messages about how I'm crazy and calling me names and encouraging all hs friends and family to participate and add in their insults as well. (He had done this a few times before but on a smaller scale and said he wouldn't publicly shame me again) After a week he begged to come back and I agreed if we went to counseling. He didn't really apologize or want to make amends to the disrespectful facebook behavior, he only said "I dropped the ball, I get it now."
We went to counseling but he went drunk all but 1 out of 10 times. After every session he had an excuse why he wanted to stop. He never tried anything the consoler suggested and I had to make all the changes, like practicing a whole new way of speaking to him because apparently I bore him or irritate him with too much info--Yes or no was all he wanted to hear. I let go of expectations and never stated I had any, I never asked him to help with household chores anymore as that was something he said made him mad and I stopped asking about the nude photos I kept finding. He did start to give me some compliments and he stopped pointing out the hot chicks while out but that was it.
We hit a rough patch a month ago. My 16 yr old son fell into a depression, which he made fun of on facebook, I became ill and needed a day in the hospital and testing and then a co-worker went out on leave and I had to pick up all her work by working 50 hours a week. My husband was hell bent on getting me to change my mind about my son's issue and I made the only request I had made in 4.5 months, I asked him to respect that I didn't agree and that I didn't want to talk about it while I was juggling all that I was. He lasted 2 hours and was back at it. After hours of arguing, I told him that I couldn't take our marriage anymore and that I wanted out. He flew into a rage and promptly went on to facebook to repeat the public bashing of me. It was so bad this time, I mean ugly, that I started to get calls. I confronted him and he agreed to take it down. But he just started new ones.They were all the sme, he is the perfect husband and he has no idea why I was unhappy. It had to be because I was mentally insane among other disgusting insults and lies (apparently I'm an addict, though I couldn't say to what) and his family and friends were supporting him and bashing me, which he encouraged! Again I was alerted and I told him to leave. He had his son pick him up to where he was yelling the same stuff he put on facebook. mind you, my son was home having to hear his insults and rants and the door was open so the neighbors could hear. I was beyond my boiling point and I did something I regret now. When he left, he had his facebook open. I copied one of his messages from a women he knew that sent a nude photo to him and I posted it on his wall. I left it up for less than a minute and then took it down. He was alerted pretty quickly though and was livid. He spent days defending the message and pic and begged for the girl to forgive him, her only crime was being there for him...
He was gone for 2 weeks and while I was sad I was getting overmuch needed peace. I was 100% ready for a divorce. but he came to get his stuff and begged for one more try. He promised he would go back to counseling and get his own to address his own needs. I know, here is the stupid part, I said yes and with specific parameters: help around the house, I'm no longer his slave, deactivate facebook, no more sexting, more respect, no more face in his phone and counseling. He said yes too all. But after 2 weeks of being home, facebook was back on and he stated he wasn't going to counseling, he didn't need it . He dropped the ball, he sees that now, he knows what to do. He never once said he was sorry for anything, nothing. All he can say is, "I dropped the ball".
It seems to me that he can't focus on anything, unless he wants to, for any serious length of time. And it seems like he has already decided working on our marriage will be too much work. But now that he is home, I can't tell him to leave again but he won't work on us. I feel like he's only back to pay off the credit cards and wait for our lease to expire. We had agreed to stay in our rental home for 4 years and we put a garden in the back. Last night he said he was buying grass seed because that garden was going to only be a one time thing. He sounds like he's given up before he even tried.
I just don't know what to do here.