Sorry for such a personal question, but wondering if any of the Non-ADHD spouses have found it helpful to take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds? My husband of 12 years was finally diagnosed with ADHD at age 43 years old. Our marriage has always been a struggle and we have been in couples counseling on and off for 7 or 8 years. We have two young children (one under the age of 2), but I believe my elementary aged daughter suffers from ADHD as well. Since his diagnosis, my husband is now on meds and seeing an therapist (one who is familiar with ADHD) a few times a month. At the time of my husband's diagnosis and at the urging of my family doctor, I see a therapist weekly for individual counseling
While all of this is great and I do have a sense of hope, I am finding it completely overwhelming. We have good days and bad, but the bottom line is that I am worn-out, tired and often angry. I am working on my anger in therapy. I am wondering if I would benefit from some sort of medicine. I have never taken anything before in my life, but just starting to consider if given the circumstances it would improve my outlook on life.
Thanks for listening....
Do any Non-ADHD spouses take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety?
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Well ladies, I am 58 and I have read many of your posts and could not stay quiet another minute. Thirty years and six adult children later, I've been there and done ALL of that. No magic pill exists, no being "more attractive", there is no amount of "being a better mom" "tidier housekeeper" or a "better, less nagging wife", that will touch this issue. No amount of "understanding" or "meds" for you will change your spouse. I even went so far as to have 14 ECT treatments! Doesn't work unless he wants to change or even has a clue how crazy his ADHD is making you! I even get SSD over it because I am now THAT dysfunctional. Hospitalizations, a myriad of diagnoses and the docs keep giving me all the meds when if he would work on (or even recognize) his own ADHD issues - much (not all) of my 20 years of life with psychiatric care and every med known to the planet would likely have been much less or perhaps never happened; if the doctors had taken him aside and diagnosed HIM, too. Instead, it was me who took on the responsibility of EVERY problem (like a depressed person expects themselves to) because it was me who couldn't handle it. What were my problems were mine and what were his own, were mine, too.
He will not accept ANY responsibility and to change when I showed him my response to you (after I, personally have gone through 20 years of therapy, meds, hospitals, and ECT), his response to me was this--just minutes ago: "You seem to be indicating that you have no issues at all and it’s me and my ADHD that has generated all your issues?" Really? I guess we'll never know since he won't get any treatment now--will we?
Hence, my life will go on as it has now for all these years...because he can come up with ANY excuse for him not to see a need for self- introspection. Therapy, for all it's costs, will give you listening ear and maybe some coping skills. However, psych meds for yourselves are not the answer; because meds you ingest will never change his ADHD. In addition, they were NEVER meant for long term use. Please, look into their warnings on the labels. I have had nearly every one and their side effects, including Tardive Dysconesia (from one med) and fecal incontinence from 15 years of Prozac. Both are healed now but for 50% of those who get it from a medication, TD can be an extreme muscle movement disorder sufferers will endure FOR LIFE! There is NO treatment or cure for TD even after you stop the offending med.
Verdict is no to any pills
Submitted by Suda on
Well, reading through all these informative responses has made me shy away from getting a pill. I definitely don't want to do any more harm to myself. I probably should practice more self-care even a small amount when my schedule permits. Thanks for your comments.
No pills!
Submitted by Resigned2B on
:)
I read your post
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I read your post here and your reply to my similar post. Then I read Resigned2B's reply to you and I have to say she makes a very good point. Med's have side effects and they also won't change a spouse who is unwilling to change. I have never been one to take meds, although I did take Prozac for a few months but it didn't help so I stopped taking it. But maybe it didn't help because my circumstances hadn't changed! My husband is a sweet man but he has dumped so much on me and doesn't even realize it. Or if he does he sure hides it well. My life was so peaceful before we married. Now it's chaos. But meds won't help that, other than maybe calm me down a little. But the side effects scare me and honestly I get scared thinking about paying for therapy too since it isn't covered by my insurance and money is so extremely tight. This forum has helped me a lot, even just to make me realize that I'm not crazy and there are others out there who understand. My friends and family, although nice about it, think I'm crazy (or a saint) to stay in this marriage. They don't understand...but sometimes neither do I.
My answer to your question
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
My situation was: a man with undiagnosed ADHD rode in on his white horse to rescue the fair maiden with eating disorders who just moved away from her parents home, which was a horrible place to live due to her Dad being an alcoholic. I had issues, an my soon to be spouse was wonderful (still is) at rescuing others .
I have learned that his taking care of other's problems gives him a way to not look at his own.
We have depression in my family history. I have taken anti-depressants for a long time. They help ME!
I've taken anti depressants
Submitted by greatgrace42 on
I've taken anti depressants and anxiety meds. I don't take anything now.... In looking back I totally understand why I took these meds and I truly thought and still do think they were a help to me. BUT there was/is no amount of meds that could/would take away the issues of a very dysfunctional marriage. It has taken me 20 yrs to get to that point of saying enuf is absolutely enuf! ADD or not we all have choices and me being drugged up was just another way that I coped with the fact that he was not willing to make the hard choices and put lasting changes in place that could have bettered our chances of getting through it, it being "add marriage". No meds can help with that!
Answer to Recent Posts on Meds...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Please read The New York Times article, "Prozac Backlash". Understanding the risks of all these meds will help everyone make better choices for themselves. I thought my meds were helping as well. In the end, they really only helped me into a deeper hole that now I can't get out of...
I did buy the book ADHD and Marriage yesterday for my husband's Kindle. For the FIRST time in 30 years he understood what he had done to me by not stepping up to the plate of his own issues that I had ZERO to do with. He read, out loud, what the ADHD FACTOR was! But with this many years of abuse, meds, etc., I think by the time we straighten out the mess of knots we'll be 75-80 years old... What a life!
At least we'll know what book to get our last two boys who suffer from the same ADHD when they, themselves, marry soon. Maybe their wives won't have to go through as much as I have. Good luck to all of you. My prayers are with you...
I have never read that, but
Submitted by lauren07 on
I have never read that, but my aunt had suicidal thoughts on Paxil. She reached out, but no one understood what was going on and the Dr simply increased her dosage. She ending up shooting herself in broad daylight on the porch of her home, while her husband sat inside:/
I have never read that...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. Search term The New York Times and name of the article. Paxil is spoken of by name along with many others; regardless of how long she was on it. Knowing the mind altering nature of these meds, if it were me, I would insist they change the "cause of death" on the official death certificate to read "adverse medication reaction". There is enough data now, that this change should be a no brainer! The current warnings are all over the manufacture's websites - this many years later!!! And to UP her dose??? In my opinion, that is mal-practice waiting for a law-suit...
It just breaks my heart...
https://www.nytimes.com/books/first/g/glenmullen-prozac.html
Resigned 2B
Submitted by Suda on
Thank you for your reply. I searched the New York Times online for the article, but was not able to find it. Do you know when it was published? I have taken Melissa Orlov's book off my shelf and I will share it with my husband as you have done. He has a hard time reading any book all the way through, but she has some very useful conversations and maybe we can discuss bits of it from time to time.
"Prozac Backlash"
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Suda,
I have found the link for you and others who may want to read it. My intent is not to freak people out but give them a knowledge power base before they "med-up" and make the same mistakes I did. https://www.nytimes.com/books/first/g/glenmullen-prozac.html
I had been reading many of the posts from spouses that were so familiar to what I have gone through. When I came to yours, I finally felt compelled to speak up knowing the stigma and hell I had gone through for 30 years believing it was something I, myself, had created because I was simply not worth his time or attention. They diagnosed me with EVERYTHING under the sun even though the signs of my husband's ADHD were crystal clear. I have a natural (depressive) affinity for taking responsibility for every bad thing that happens to me or the way people treat me that it MUST be something I brought on myself.
This is SO untrue, but it didn't help matters any when doctors wouldn't or were incapable of spotting the obvious answer. The more children we had the worse it got. It didn't even change things when our last two sons were diagnosed with ADHD by age FOUR! It was ALL lumped in to my inability to be a good wife and mother. This only made things for me more intolerable until I wanted and wished to die because I felt I was such a failure in my life and to family I loved.
Good luck with your situation. If your husband recognizes the feeling each of you have, which are clearly laid out in the first sixteenth of the book, maybe he will see how his issues are affecting the woman he promised to cherish when he married you. Unless he's willing to make the tough changes and you are willing to see his handicap for what it is, then life won't improve much. The great thing about the book is that is pinpoints the issues so perfectly that it was next to impossible for my husband not to say, "Oh my God, what have I done to you?".
A day late and a dollar short to be sure, but maybe there's still hope??? I will make SURE my sons own this book BEFORE they ruin their marriages yet to come! Bless you for trying and reaching out for help that was never available to me...
Meds to deal with ADHD spouses?
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear followers of this thread,
I have found yet another STUNNING article posted on the known dangers of these meds PRIOR to Prozac being released on the market in 1987. Before you decide you are doing well or think you could do better on meds, please be informed! The source was released under The Freedom of Information Act that the FDA released the drug KNOWING THE FULL dangers! According to this disclosure, by 1993 there were over 1,000 suicides linked directly to the use of Prozac.
http://www.pnc.com.au/~cafmr/newsl/prozac.html
Occasionally
Submitted by Momma1173 on
During times of great anxiety in our household, when relations with my ADD husband are most tense and my ability to cope is hampered by PMS or too much other stress, I take St. Johns Wort which is an over-the-counter supplement.
thanks for this post
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband and I were both in a pain clinic, (he has migraines)....(I have severe back issues). The insurance through his work made us both go to a pain clinic, which turned out to be a psychiatric ward/pain clinic. They did NOT diagnose my husband with ANYTHING, but told ME that I was severely depressed and was dysmorphic, etc. (I ended up with a terrible file, terrible diagnosis, and it followed me for YEARS) BUT, the psychiatrists did NOT diagnose my husband with ADHD. (We didn't find THAT out until YEARS later) My husband was younger then, the ADHD was in FULL SWING, and he was like a tornado in any room he went into.
The psychiatric community knew when we were in therapy, ALL ABOUT ADHD, but didn't do anything with HIM. They put all the stress and focus on me, which made me even MORE stressed out. I had to see the psychiatrist once a week for 3 years, and all he EVER said to me was this: "Tell me about ______________" fill in the blank, then "How does that make you feel?". THAT'S IT.....NOTHING ELSE...........THAT'S ALL HE EVER SAID. I was on all sorts of meds, had to go through relaxation therapy, and once a week psychotherapy. I WAS A WRECK, from my ADHD husband AND the psychiatric/pain clinic we were put in.
THEN, when we changed insurances, and had to change doctors, I got my file and the psychiatrist wrote that he "SAVED OUR MARRIAGE". I was livid with that one, because he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!! It wasn't until we moved to another state, another doctor, etc. that we found out about his ADHD, which got significantly better once he started taking Concerta. But, recently the doctor changed the dosage and he's back to being his "old self" again. It's frustrating as heck. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow.
Thanks for this post...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Dedelight,
I'm SO sorry to hear your story. And now you, much like me, have a "history" with the doctors and hospitals that makes you look like the lunatic. You didn't say how long you have been married or whether you have any children. Do you mind if I ask?
We've just recently found out my husband has ADHD. After forty "total" years of marriage (my first husband of ten years died) and six children in all, we're just coming to this. My mental illness has a trail a mile long and all this time, if they had just listened to a few of my stories, they should have easily caught this before even further damage was done to all of us! But now, my husband doesn't want to take meds. He says he doesn't want the "label". So he was fine with me having a label of the craziest wife and mother on the block, but when the tables have turned, he says that he would rather me just leave him. Wonderful, at age 58, having invested all this time into our lives, he says he'd rather live alone than to take ANY meds or have therapy to help our relationship. I have a better chance of getting killed in a terrorist attack than I have of getting married again! Oh, isn't that just GREAT!
I'm a former cover-girl, ad-model, TV commercials, free-lance writer, and raised all our children practically alone. This still isn't good enough... He told me this again on this very night! And I so easily slip into the "I'm not worth it" mode... Look at all I did to try to change when much of it was him and two of our sic children that had ADHD. Born a year apart, at the end of the group, they were diagnosed at ages three and four! Why the heck didn't the doctors put that together??? My stories are classic ADHD!
To raise EVERYONE was just too much and I broke down eight years ago... In 2006, it was ME who had the ECT! Thank you for that, doctors! So glad I ruined my body with that and every med under the sun!
Please, if you can, tell us a little more about how long you've been married and your children...
thanks to you too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Resigned2B, so sorry to hear about your story too. We are the same ages. My husband and I are both 57, and have been married 30 years. We have 2 girls, that will be 36 and 39 this coming May. The girls are from my first marriage, but my current husband adopted them when they were 5 and 8. DH is really the ONLY father they have ever known. My first husband was VERY abusive and threatened both me and the girls, so I got out of there.
I have learned that ADHD persons are drawn to people such as myself, and vice versa. Both coming from dysfunctional backgrounds (which were both similar), only mine didn't have the certain mental illnesses his family did. I was abandonded by my parents, raised by severely abusive grandparents, (6 parents in all, which NONE of them wanted my siblings and me) We didn't learn many basic things that other children are taught as they grow. All we were taught was how to "survive", "stay out of the way", and "that we were totally NOT wanted", and were told on a regular basis, as well as "You kids are worthless, good for nothing and rotten, lazy bums".
Our courtship was very, very fun and his humor was delightful. He was lighthearted, and just fun to be around. He HID his adhd pretty well at first, but then it came out as time went on. But I didn't know that much about relationships myself, and was not equipped to know what was healthy and what wasn't. UNTIL............... I started reading books about co'dependency, narcissism, etc. ADHD. etc. THATS, when things changed for me.
Thanks to you...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Dedelight,
Yes, the courtship. My husband was hyper-focused on me as well. Until our first Christmas alone together - ten months into the marriage. We had decided that he needed new suits and such for work. That was going to cost us $400.. I was super good about it, as it was my suggestion that we invest in this for his (our) career. I told him ALL I wanted was a half-pound box of See's Candy. It had been a Christmas tradition for years before he came into my life. The cost: $3.00.
He came home from work late Christmas Eve afternoon. It soon became clear that he had not gotten the candy or anything thing else, for that matter. The more I realized that this was not a joke to pull off a later surprise, I was crushed. He ended up disclosing to me that earlier in the day he had been at the mall (something to do with work) and that he had stood in front of the See's Candy store (on December 24th) and chose to walk away knowing that that was ALL I had asked for - and he was not going to be getting it. T H R E E D O L L A R S!
I grew more and more devastated that night until I was yelling questions at him and sobbing. I left the house that night and spent much of Christmas Eve in a restaurant bar, alone. (I don't drink) I could not comprehend how cruel this was and what had I done to make him think so little of me. I figured he had to have known the look and hurt on my face when he came home emptied-handed on Christmas Eve. How could he not know? He was spending $400 on clothes for his image at work. All I had asked for was a cheap box of candy. What's the big mystery about how this is going to feel to your new bride? Then finding out that he was AT See's that very day, thought about it and deliberately left!?!
I took this to be (and it felt) like a calculated stab in my heart. And that was the beginning of THIRTY years of the same kinds of stories...
Who wouldn't be depressed??? Every night, "I'll be home at seven" but there were SO many times that seven o'clock turned into close to midnight that I never told the children when he's be home since he was never home when he promised. Every meal the kids and I ate alone. Every night, many times pregnant, I got our kids ready for bed, dishes done, the house was cleaned, laundry was done, then my husband would finally show up. Of course we couldn't talk much because he was tired and had to get up at 5:00a.m., the next day to restart the same cycle.
Sometimes, during tax "busy-season", at the (then) Big Eight Accounting Firms, it was a huge status symbol to stay all night working and then, come home, shower, and go straight back to work! At that point I was home alone with two small children from my previous ten year marriage. Paying the bills and eating macaroni and tuna fish for months at a time. Just as I had saved $100., he would call me from work, without batting an eye, to tell me that because he didn't get some kind of payment in on time we were going to be fined $100., extra. You mean the $100., I saved because we have been eating macaroni and cheese tuna for months??? He COULD NOT understand why I cried.
He's a great father to our kids. He will spend tens of thousands of dollars to take the boys on numerous hunting trips and then will tell me that I'm not worth spending that kind of money on because I'm so awful to be with. Once those kinds of words are out there (and there are many) they are nearly impossible to retrieve regardless of how many, "I didn't mean its" there are. We have had three vacations in thirty years and once, a couple of years back when he was angry with me, he told me I had ruined every one of them! Which is NOT even true but perception is reality.
I think he's trying change but I don't how much longer I can hold out...
At least your two girls do not have ADHD. I was not so lucky. The last two boys, born 15 months apart, both had it. The stories of raising them make Dennis the Manace look like a dream child! They are adults now and, of course, still have it...
your post made me cry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I feel like we are sisters :) because of so many of the same experiences. Your post made me cry. First for you because I could FEEL your hurt and disappointment, second for me because I KNOW ALL TOO WELL, all those same disappointments from the forgotten birthdays, Christmases, holidays, etc. When it came to ME, it seemed like I wasn't even a conscious thought in my husband's head for SO MANY YEARS.
I couldn't understand why BEFORE we were married, he thought about me, cared about me, bought me momentos and things. But, AFTER the wedding?..........there was NOTHING. It just stopped abruptly.
It was almost a year after we were married that I asked my husband why he never bought me anything,( since I made it a regular habit to get him cards, put love notes in his lunch, tell him I loved him on a daily basis, etc.) He said, "Like what"? I know I looked startled, but I said...."You know, flowers, cards, anything!". Then he says, "You want flowers, I can buy you flowers". The next night after work he stops at the supermarket and buys me a bunch of those supermarket flowers that are kind of wilty, (you know the type). I was MORE surprised by THAT. It took me a long while to understand that whatever I said, he took LITERALLY.......NO hints, or suggestions, or reading my face or trying to be loving, supportive or giving. And, this was not just WORDS, it was also actions. It was like he lived on a TOTAL VISCERAL LEVEL, yet prided himself on how "deep" he was. It was very confusing.
But, WOW. I had SO MANY disappointing Christmases, I can't TELL you, THAT'S why I can relate so much to how you felt that Christmas Eve night. OH....ALSO THE WORK...OH MY...MY..THE WORK. Yes, back in the 80"s it was "the thing to do" to be a workaholic, and people were applauded for it. My husband was a workaholic THEN and still is. I have heard EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 30 YEARS..."I've got SO MUCH WORK TO DO"......"I'm so overwhelmed, because I have so much work to do"......."I can't go with you to (fill in the blank) because I have so much work to do". I've had to cancel dinners at friends houses, outings with friends, outings with ME, because of WORK. And, YES, he DID work hard, but the sabotage being caused in each job was so much, I never understood why he couldn't see it. (or DID see it and never told me)
He became the band director for one of the major ivy league colleges, and we got to travel with the football and basketball teams when the band went. THAT was fun, but when he took ME to tournaments, we had to sit in the hotel rooms and never go anywhere or do anything (in FANTASTIC PLACES) because he had "Too much work to do". But, the times I couldn't go, he would come back telling me "How much fun he had, and all the places he went with the students". IT WAS HEARTBREAKING, because he never wanted to do it with ME.
I WAS NOT A HORRIBLE WIFE. In fact, I was a GOOD wife.......caring, loving, supportive, did everything I could to try to make his life easier and happier, but I felt like he couldn't STAND to be around me. When it was OTHER PEOPLE that didn't want to be around HIM. I have actually watched people walk away from us while he was talking, rolling their eyes as he continued to go on and on about himself; never asking anyone else anything about THEIR LIVES. I tried telling him about this, but he would just get angry at ME.
One of the hardest things is that I no longer have ANY friends. I haven't been able to keep up with anyone else, and I"m worn out. An ADHD husband can monopolize so much of your time, that it's smothering. And you can't even TELL them about it.
I'm sorry your children also have ADHD. THAT has to be a very rough thing to live with as well. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE the weight of it all. But, my heart and thoughts and prayers are with you. And, KNOW......THAT SOMEONE ELSE is living your life too. You're not alone. Take care, sweetie.
one more thing
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Resigned2B, I just wanted to add one more thing. From all the years of disappointments I have changed, and I don't know whether it's good or not. But, because there had been SO MANY years of disappointments and dashed hopes and dreams, I stopped many things. I stopped hoping, waiting, WANTING anything, DESIRING anything to the point where it feel like I am numb to my emotions. I don't get excited anymore about much of anything.
I'm not sure if you feel like this, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is a bad or good thing, but it's just WHAT IS. You can't dream and plan and hope with a spouse who doesn't do that WITH YOU, and who doesn't understand their ADHD and continually work on it. It's lonely.
Your post made me cry...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Dedelight,
Oh the pain of it all! We do share many stories as you will find in nearly every post when their spouse has ADHD. He is very giving and does service for many people. His associates and friends love him for that. I don't think they realize that for every hour he spends with them, is an hour that he gives up on things at home that need his attention. One, of course, would be me. Interestingly enough, he continues to add more and more hobbies (100's and 100's of hours) to his arena. You'd think he has tons time to spare! But we are into two years of a two month remodel of THE KITCHEN! So you can imagine how much trauma that causes. I never know when to dust the silt away because it never goes away! But I have to keep up with it or we will live in sawdust!
Like you, I have given up asking for many things. When he tells me that he would be happy to do something, I know that it could be years before it gets done. That usually involves shaming him by reminding him (not yelling) that the project he had committed to do has been waiting on the dryer for TWO years now... Even then, it will only get done if my adult children are witnesses to the entire event. They will then say, "Dad, that hasn't been done YET???". Only then does he get on it at all. When he does it, he does it very well. If I can't wait over a year for him to fix things I have to either do it myself, hire it done, or replace an item.
Every one of our six children know that if they want him to be at their event on time, they have to tell him it starts an hour before the event actually starts. ADHDers have no capacity to judge how long it will take any one thing to happen. Even if it's something they do everyday -like get ready. Time just seems to run over them completely! I taught my kids if that needed "doddle time" they had to set their alarm an hour early so they weren't late and could do all the dinking around they wanted to. Now that they are adults, the two with ADHD seem to have forgotten all of that. Even though I would beat my head in trying to teach it to them ALL their lives!
After my husband read Melissa's book we were getting ready to take out another couple to lunch. We were paying. I said very nicely that I would feel more comfortable if he were completely ready to leave before he sat down to read his war story books. He was impressed that I was deliberately using words from the book. So he did as I asked - I thought he was all ready. We left on my time schedule (instead of his) giving us plenty of time to be on time. We get to lunch with our friends and he sits down and announces that he needs to go home because he forgot his wallet! Our friends ended up paying for our lunch and their own when WE had invited them!
My husband is fairly calm and very soft spoken. I am animated and voice my opinion clearly. This makes for mistakes as our kids hear me loudly but cannot hear what he has said that prompted my outburst. (i.e., "I haven't thought of you as my lover for several years") This, of course, brings on a complete meltdown on my part; but the kids haven't heard what he had said to bring on the crying and screaming questions by me! So I get labeled for "over-reacting"... REALLY??? Let's do a poll in our neighborhood and pose this question to every wife and see if ANY of them would not melt down if their husband had said these words to them... Anyone reading this post feel free to answer if just hearing this statement from your own spouse; would you meltdown?
It is a catch-22 for sure. There are many wonderful and generous things about him. He has the "Whitehorse Syndrome" too. I was swept away like you. It disappears quickly unless you need "saving" again. Hospitals, meltdown, drama, threats of leaving, taking more meds, jumping off a building, etc.. Quiet talks, notes, cards, or even soft tears about what's important to me have never worked. Humiliating flailing and hysteria is what he waits for. It is enough to make anyone crazed! He starts this fire of words and then watches while the building is burning. Like an arsonist, he comes in as the hero when, in fact, he lit the fire in the first place.
Good luck to you friend! :)
Yes, I would melt down!
Submitted by Grrr on
Hell to the ya I would melt down and I COMPLETELY understand you 110%! You are not crazy and keep reminding yourself that NO ONE knows everything you go through. There are things they show you/say to you that they would never show to anyone else. You have a right to all your feelings and I share a lot of the same things with you. Keep your head up and continue to tell yourself that you know exactly what is going on and are the only one dealing with it. Period. :)
Yes, I would melt down!
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Not Understanding,
Thank you for your post! I knew in my heart that ANY spouse would meltdown to hear those words. I could tell you the myriad of other things that he said that night that would have thrown anyone. It was even more frustrating that, when I was so deeply hurt, he thought it was a reasonable thing to say along with I reminded him of his retarded sister! (Who was born with obvious physical and mental handicaps.)
When I posed the question to my male therapist he told me that, had it been him hearing this from his wife, regardless of how things got better, he would always wonder about her sincerity, it is that stunning of a statement! Still, when I brought it up with my husband weeks and months and even a year later he accused me of living in the past. I have all these things written in a journal. I don't go back and read them very often because they just reopen the wounds.
At the time, I was on so many meds that I couldn't figure out that this was HIM and not me. So I just took it all on and was really ready to jump! This only happened a few years back. We had been married for 27 years at the time!
He has now agreed to meds and is showing signs of improvement. I am now off nearly every med working on tapering off two different benzodiazepines. Today, after YEARS of begging him, he has gone to a hearing doctor. I knew he had hearing loss when we married but he would never admit it. It just kept getting worse. That, in addition to ADHD, made my life next to impossible. I repeated myself SO many times between him and the kids I had just given up on anyone hearing me. The doctor told him today that he has significant hearing loss in both ears. He said only 20% of men his age have this much loss! He will have very discreet hearing aides by next Friday! I am thrilled and to some degree, vindicated! So - all those mornings when I said - I love you as he was leaving for work - he NEVER heard me!
Anyone who deals with ADHD knows that hearing and comprehension go hand in hand... We now have a few parts of this puzzle put together. However, the emotional damage to all eight of us will need God's healing power of forgiveness to recover from.
Thanks again for your support and to everyone one here who has posted! :)
No, I wouldn't
Submitted by sunlight on
I don't think most people who have been married for years would be surprised to hear that. Most people don't go at it like rabbits for decades. Why not praise him for being honest?
"soft tears about what's important to me have never worked"
And it wouldn't work with most men who are worth having, in my sole opinion. Most men are just NOT going to like that. Add the difficulty that an ADHD person has in figuring out what you WANT them to DO on top of that and the inevitable happens. But when a problem comes up that gets through his brain disorder or as you said "- unless you need "saving" again", then he wants to FIX IT, not emote or discuss it. Now with ADHD fixing it often turns into running around in circle and jumping up and down but that is because of the compromised executive function (prioritizing, decision making etc all shot to heck under a sudden flood of brain chemicals). In those instances staying calm helps everybody.
No, I wouldn't...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Sunlight,
It was really hard to say "thank you for being honest" when I had humiliated myself in front of my physician with this problem and I was the one who was taking Lavitra, years before he said that... Yet, I never once had ever turned him down for sex. Saying "thank you" for telling me, despite all MY efforts that you still don't consider us lovers, was just a little more "sackcloth and ashes" than I could take. Not when he could spend hundreds of hours making hand-smithed guns for other people. Which he had started as a hobby so he wouldn't have to "bother me" for sex. At the time he said that, I pleaded with him NOT to do that! I never thought or felt it was a bother and he KNEW that.
It was four years after all my efforts - that he had made this horrifying statement. Along with telling me that he had "grieved my loss" four years prior to that and NEVER told me, even when I had asked him what was wrong. By then he had added a million more hobbies just to get away from real-life. This is no comfort to have to pick up all the slack so he could spend more time and use more things to recreate - more ways to cut you out and then say "thank you honey..." The truth is, by then, I wouldn't/couldn't pick up the slack. The house went into disrepair quickly.
As nonchalant as if he had asked me to turn on the TV, he comes home one night and says, "By the way, thank you for not nagging me about doing the taxes for 26 years, oh, and we own the government $80,000 in taxes and penalties. (He's a CPA, CFO, and now a CEO) Please arrange to refinance the mortgage on our home to pay for them. Yes, I know that will use up nearly ALL our equity, but hey, that's the way it goes..."
"Thank you" doesn't come as easily as you think for someone who you know has lied to you every chance he felt real-life knocking at the door...
Resigned2B-amen to that
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Resigned2B, Hi friend: how you doing?
Thank you for that your post. It's horribly hard to "stay calm" after YEARS AND YEARS, of NOT having OUR feelings and emotions and thoughts and opinions validated in any way shape or form, and yet WE are the ones who have to give up EVERYTHING?......and STILL STAY CALM? regardless of HOW MUCH anger, snide comments, rude actions, denied sex, messiness, ruining vacations to everyday life we are subject to, and yet our spouse will NOT EVER even meet us half way? I disagree with Sunlight on that one, very, very much. I believe YOU are the one with the more reasonable view on this.
If your ADHD spouse sabotages their own life, that's one thing, but promising their spouses one thing and deliberately doing another, time after time after time, year after year after year, and you get NOWHERE.....is MORE than anyone can take.Sunlight seems to think we have to sacrifice ourselves to the death. I don't get it. What about self preservation, and sanity of mind? We feel like we are ACTUALLY LOOSING OUR MINDS at times, dealing with an ADHD husband/spouse. We need to be cut some slack here.
Love what you said. AMEN TO THAT.
Read my other posts
Submitted by sunlight on
I have REPEATEDLY said: do NOT LOWER your standards. Do NOT accept bullying. Do NOT accept screaming and tantrums. Confront it. Confrontation is NOT a dirty word. If you repeatedly let people get away with murder (metaphorically), what will they do? If you repeatedly let a person bully you, what will they do?
I also believe you are taking my words out of context when you refer to "staying calm" - the context was an event (you know, an actual thing that has to be handled) then emoting and discussing doesn't work - ADHD or not, with most MEN. They want to fix things, but in the case of ADHD their brain is navigating through a mess of physical malfunction and their words/actions often do not match their intents (hence their blowups out of frustration at THEMSELVES and others are the 'unfortunate' bystanders). In that context, staying calm actually gets a thing achieved - what would you like as the alternative - everybody panics and runs around in circles while a train wreck is in progress. How does that ever help anybody?
"we are subject to"
Then REMOVE yourself. What would you advise a relative to do? What? To accept it for years? Set your limits and stick to them. It is surely what you would advise a daughter or sister.
Trying to digest your comments. . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello sunlight,
Maybe something is being lost in the translation. I read your posts, and then need to digest them, and reread them. All these habits or patterns in our lives did not happen overnight. I myself wish change was as easy as snapping a light switch.
I am trying to navigate life's choices. The last time you commented on one of my post, it came across as very harsh. I tried rereading it - - I tried reading between the lines.
I am on this forum because I cannot figure stuff out.
I accept your view, and agree to disagree. You said: " in the case of ADHD their brain is navigating through a mess of physical malfunction" . I have come to understand the ADHD wired brain as not 'malfunctioning' but as functioning differently. It is not broken. It can not be fixed. It is.
Understanding how to live with it, how to get a spouse with an ADHD wired brain to acknowledge the difference WE see and feel - that is the hard part for me in my journey.
Sorting out the 'who' from the 'do'. Who my spouse is versus what he does is crazy making for me :)
I have found my own power in understanding it is not just me - nor is it just him - it is how we interact. Now that I have this new knowledge and understanding... it seems there is much more to be adjusted before just washing my hands of a 29 year marriage.
I do come on here to vent. We are many who travel this difficult road together.
My brain doesn't function
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My brain doesn't function "perfectly" either. I worry probably more than is healthy for me. I have learned some coping techniques. I don't expect other people to mold their behavior to my anxiety. So I do get annoyed sometimes when the suggestion is made that I should be endlessly accommodating for the ADHD brain whereas the person with the ADHD brain has no obligation to consider the way my brain works.
What to choose . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I cannot determine how to interpret my spouse's "I can't." There is the rub. When I hear "I can't", I wonder, IS it really an impossibility - or is just plain "I WONT" ?
The whole ideal of Marriage is 2 people co-existing in a harmony that is fulfilling for both of them. I know I assumed too much responsibility. I know I blindly made my marriage a parent-child relationship. I know I did not have a voice in my marriage.
I am balancing out the responsibility.
I am backing out of the parent position in our parent-child relationship.
I found my voice :) It will not be squelched by my spouse's anger.
What to choose...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear So Exhausted,
You go girl! Let us know how it works out! :)
I'm not sure where you're getting your emotional energy but I'm anxious to know how drawing boundaries with someone who's ADHD works out! I can do it for a while, did it for YEARS, now it seems like I just become like them and say, "WHY THE HECK SHOULD I CARE ANYMORE - no one else does?".
Good luck! Where there's a will there's a way. In your post, it sounds like you have the will!
I'm getting ready for my golden years to be spent under a viaduct! :{
My brain doesn't function...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
:))))))))))
Yes, I hear you!!! Me either!
Need understanding
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sunlight:
I would like to know how when people confront you, you can give them a positive response instead of a "hurt" response. (are you the one with ADHD, I don't know your background)
If not, what would be your way of positive confrontation? This would help me clarify some things. Also, when you wrote "we are subject to" do you mean TOO, as in ALSO (meaning sympathy) or subject to something else? wasn't sure what you meant.
Dear Dedelight, Thank you
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Dedelight,
Thank you for your kind words. I think, probably everyone on this blog each has their own response context, which is what I'm guessing for Sunlight. You are right, after we have sacrificed so very many things, for ALL our married lives, and then to be asked for even MORE humility is much more than I have to give, as well. Someone had posted that the "patience of a saint" was needed to deal with an ADHD spouse. I think I've had that and much more. However, when do you go from showing patience to simply being a doormat??? Giving up nearly everything you had planned on, to our husbands' getting everything they wanted and what we wanted as well, and STILL be happy and loving???
That was too much for me at that point - for sure! Even now, I feel like hiding! At a younger stage in our lives I might have had more tolerance had this ADHD thing been diagnosed before SO much water has gone under and over the bridge. My bridge has nearly washed away completely!
There is a couple our age that live down the street. They came over a month ago to see our kitchen (half done) because they wanted to remodel their own kitchen. We saw them today and their remodel is nearly DONE now!!! I asked how long it had taken and he said, as he rolled his eyes, three weeks and he would be SO glad when it was done next week. I was literally sick inside! We are soon to be starting year three for our own kitchen remodel which is a much smaller kitchen than theirs is, I'm sure. Oh how quickly time passes, without thought, for those with ADHD and how SLOW it passes for others without it!
I have a lot to forgive in thirty years, meds taken, ECT treatments given, therapy for years and years, only needed for me to DEAL with not being able to depend on him! That's a LOT of sacrifice, flat out emotionally abusive, and a LOT of forgiveness! I will need a ton of Devine intervention! If he's willing to start changing now that leaves me needing to be willing to try to wipe the slate clean and allow it. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but when I say I will be somewhere or do something it gets done and done when I've said, and there on time. I'm completely bewildered when I see the opposite in my husband and two boys when no one else in our family (our other four children) functions in the same way.
I'd love to post a picture of our garage I took yesterday. I've cleaned it completely many, many times over, painted the inside, everything, the past 16 years we've lived here. Within six months it looks worse than ever - every time I clean it! For the past two years I haven't touched it. Let's just say the "Hoarders Show" has NOTHING on this garage!!! Now that I showed my husband the pictures, crystal clear, on my iPad - he's been out there today trying his best to make it look decent. He's been out there two hours. It is now 2:30 on Saturday. As I write these words I can hear him downstairs watching a mindless action movie with our ADHD son. NEITHER of them have this kind of time to waste. It makes me CRAZY! But here I sit, knowing that I will only take on the role of a nagging witch if I say ANYTHING other than how great it was that he spent two hours on a SOLID TWO DAY job!!! I KNOW full well just how long that garage will take to be cleaned. I may be even underestimating it at two solid days - but two HOURS??? NOT A SINGLE CHANCE!
You are so right! It is hard, if not impossible, for the regular thinking human being, to cope with this, non-stop, 'fly by the seat of your pants' attitude in life; when all WE want is to have security, reasonably organized belongings, financially sound (not mega-wealthy) and trust on our spouse's word... :((( It just doesn't sound like too much to ask. When we see our friends having it, without too much problem, it makes the rest of us wonder -- what the blank happened??? :{
"Confrontation is not a dirty word"
Submitted by Resigned2B on
To all,
I was re-reading Sunlight's post where she says that confrontation was not a dirty word. In theory she is right - it shouldn't be. In reality, my experience says it is a dirty word. It is one that evokes a punishment of anger and seclusion aimed to hurt me for even THINKING I have the right to confront him about anything he's done that I am unhappy with.
I am being punished right now for confronting my husband with tax records. Something, if you've read my other posts, is a touchy subject. We had to refinance our house just four years ago because of his procrastination filing our taxes. I wanted to see our tax returns since then but he has never shown them to me. I had asked him about it a few weeks ago and he was, predictably, angry. I simply called the IRS and asked them for a copies; this way I avoided further fighting. They came in the mail and he took them out without telling me and hid them. A few days later I told him I was waiting for them in the mail - had he seen them? No. I felt he was lying but didn't say anything. When they didn't come in the mail even days later I looked at him and said, "I know you have them and took them out of the mail even knowing that I had told you I was waiting for them, WHY?".
He admitted that he panicked and took them to his office. He said he didn't know why and that he would bring them home. I asked a few times during the following week where they were. Not to be found... Finally tonight I confronted him. He gave them to me and we quickly got in a disagreement about them. He didn't like my "questioning him" on any of it. He left the room to drowned himself in an action movie and food downstairs. Leaving be upset in our room. That was nearly two hours ago. This is his masterful way of punishing me so that I will never make the mistake of thinking we are partners. :{
sunlight: re: "soft tears"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
sunlight:
One more clarification if you don't mind. In your statement about soft tears not working, and you almost take offense with the statement someone else said, I would like to know how YOU feel. Do YOU cry when someone hurts you? I don't mean every time someone says something you don't like, (that's extremism) I'm talking about being hurt repeatedly with same issues over and over regardless of what you try. (with people you love)
pills are not terrifying
Submitted by Grrr on
If it weren't for antidepressants I don't know what would have become of me. One person's account of their experience is just that; one person's account. I have been with my bf for five years and antidepressants have helped me through a lot of it. Not everyone has a bad, life altering thing happen to them due to antidepressants. I fully agree though that he is the one who does have ADHD and no pill you take will change that fact. (or all the crazy-making that that entails.) I'm not going to write a big long thing saying why and what for. I'm just saying that antidepressants aren't the devil and they helped me IMMENSELY. :)
We each have our own bent to life
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Not Understanding. . ..
I agree. I have a history of chemical depression in my family. My grandmother was hospitalized for depression. My mother suffered with depression, and probably still does. I and my 3 sisters all have inherited depression. 3 of us take medication, and we pray one day the remaining sister will understand what the correct medication can do for her. If chemical depression is also affected by additional situational depression and or post-partum depression - it is a horror.
It took me years of trial and error to find the medication that works for me. It took me a very long time to untangle the issues affecting my marriage. I took responsibility for ALL of them for a very long time. I heaped the blame on my eating disorders and my depression. I clearly gave my spouse freedom from dealing with his own issues for many years. Why would he? He said, "It's you." And I agreed, "You are right." Growing up is a process - even when I am 54 years old :)
I hope everyone who reads these posts on this forum will understand there is not one clear-cut answer for everyone. Not all of us deal with depression. Not all of us have a spouse who abuses drugs or alcohol. Not all of us have a spouse who cheats.
We all have different lengths of time we have invested into our marriages. Mine is 29 years. Some have a few weeks, or months or years.
I come to this forum a lot - to find hope and suggestions to try. I can cheer for members who have found life changes, and feel compassion for those who are having a hard time.