I am new to this site and thank god I found this, because it's been insightful in helping me navigate and understand my boyfriend's ADHD symptoms and realizing that I am not alone in my feelings of frustration, disappointment and anger.
Ny boyfriend and I have been together about two and a half years. I will be 37 soon and he is 38. Within eight months of dating, he started talking about marriage, kids and a future with me. I was so elated because I felt like I finally found The One...after decades of dating Mr. Wrong, I was finally in a relationship that had a future. I felt cherished and secure in where were headed and that he was the person I wanted to start a family with. I had never felt that way before with any of my ex-boyfriends.
Fast forward to now. This past year has been so painful and disappointing for me. All talk of marriage and any kind of a future came to a screeching halt. It was like he became someone else. I kept asking myself, "What did I do wrong?" and when I'd finally had enough of wondering what was going on, I confronted him. All he could say is he doesn't know what he wants which is so hard to hear because I've invested so much time and energy into this relationship.
He recently admitted to me that he had ADD, that I was the only person he's ever told and it's really been affecting his life lately. He said he was put in the "dummy" classes all throughout school, his mother often told him he was lazy and wasn't applying himself and his teachers were condescending. It gave him a huge complex and he feels really ashamed about being "broken." When he told me this, the lightbulb went off in my head. I felt like I finally had some answers to his behavior - why he wasn't as attentive as he used to be, why he couldn't make plans with me, why he lost track of time, was so self-absorbed and why the connection we once had was gone. I did some research and found out about the hyperfocus stage of relationships, which explained why he was so intent on marriage and a future our first year together. Although I \ still felt hurt and like he'd dangled a carrot in front of my face he had no intention of giving to me, at least I knew he wasn't just being a jerk and it wasn't me...it was the ADHD.
So now I'm in a sticky situation. He's agreed that he does need to get help, that he wants to "get his head on straight." He says he still loves me, but doesn't know if he wants marriage or a family. He can't see that far ahead right now, which I get, but it is so hard for me to digest. While I don't care so much about the marriage part, I do want a family. I was under the impression that he did too, hence why I've stuck around as long as I have. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'm so emotionally exhausted and resentful because I feel strung along and like this is something I didn't sign up for (he acknowledges this), so I should just call it quits, move on and find a non-ADHD person who wants the same things I do. But on the other hand, I still love him and want to be supportive and think that if I wait it out, he could come around to wanting a family once he gets treatment...maybe he'd become the guy he was when we first started dating. Is he even in there anymore? I know I shouldn't pin any hopes or expectations on the treatment and that's the hard part...how do you stay in a relationship, be supportive and loving, when you have no guarantee it will go anywhere? I've already invested so much time in it and I'm afraid of giving more only to be disappointed again. I'm asking "What is in this for me?" and he can't give me any answers. He has said that he's afraid he wouldn't be very patient with children and that he can see himself either really loving being a father or being frustrated and hating every minute of it. It sounds to me like his fears of impatience and frustration is his ADHD talking but I don't want to talkin him into having a family if he feels he's just not capable.
I think if I was in my twenties or early thirties, I wouldn't mind waiting around to see what happens. I do love him, but having a family has become increasingly important to me this last year.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just don't know what to do.