Submitted by 531T on 10/15/2010.
Is this a common trait amongst people w/ ADD?
I notice it with my s/o. First it was through addictions: phone, internet, video games. Now he physically wants to run away from his life. To another state. Why do they do this? Running won't solve problems. I should just let him go, right? I am starting to suspect he's living a double life.
Please share any similar experiences you have.
One consistent feeling I have
Submitted by SherriW13 on
One consistent feeling I have had over the years is that my husband isn't able to be 'happy with what he has' for very long. It is the 'change' he is addicted to. He has talked many times about wanting to move away (together) and although I'm not 100% against the idea (he could make really good money if we lived in a more IT rich area) I have pretty much just 'dreamed' with him "maybe 10 years from now when the kids are out of school" and left it at that. It usually comes and goes.
I have felt too at times that "I" was the 'something' he was running from (out with the old, in with the new)...and told him for years that I felt like I was standing in the way of the single life he was showing (through his actions) that he wanted. Now I am coming to see that it wasn't ME that he didn't want, he just didn't want the train wreck of a marriage we had. Guess what? Me either. Of course I didn't 'handle' things by cheating on him like he did me. He said some things at the beginning of his affair (which I was oblivious to at the time) that make me think it was an 'escape' for him..from what, I'm not sure. I think it was more about how he felt about himself and the horrible state of our marriage than anything. I TRULY am begining to feel that maybe his cheating wasn't necessarily ADD related. Our counselor said today she's not willing to tie the two together...just feels it was more the train wreck of a marriage that he gave up on instead of an ADD behavior.
I've read a lot on here about the need of the ADDer for 'stimulation' .. always gotta have something going on that is exciting and such. I cannot say that is true for my husband..he's very 'normal' when it comes to the time he wants to spend with me cuddling in bed in the evenings and the time he wants to spend doing other things. We have a good balance.
Things we see as problems that need to be "solved", I'm not so sure ADDers see it that way..so I'm not sure they're trying to avoid solving their problems as much as just the avoidance of the chaos and overwhelming 'stuff' in the homelife. I feel this was what was going on with my marriage. Not sure about everyone else. All he literally wanted was my love, acceptance, and AFFECTION. He behaved so badly that I refused/couldn't bring myself to give him what he needed .. enough. It was that simple for him. Just be nice to him, and everything in his life was just fine. (not able to recognize the larger issues)
Similarly, my husband lights
Submitted by 531T on
Similarly, my husband lights up when he talks about big-ticket items he wants to buy. Unfortunately, I'm not giving into any of these indulgences anymore. He's not satisfied with his car. It's not fast enough; purchased new... was his dream car. His sporting equipment isn't good enough now either. Wants bigger, faster, more expensive. I believe he derives self-worth through these luxury items.... and sadly, his paycheck cannot afford these items. They came from mine and additional sources.
I think being in a marriage, like you say, is too much for him. Responsibilities, chores, money management - the basics - ... all too much. I think he wants to be 22 and single again; perhaps with his parents supporting him. I do not think he wants to be in this marriage. I stand in his way of being free. He is tired of rules.
We recently spent some time apart and he was miserable. I thought things were going well now that we are back together. I guess not... he wants to get in his car and drive to another state, across the country, to "clear his head."
And who is in that other state, I wonder? I know he is a sex addict.
I am contemplating getting out now before he starts physically cheating. I don't want any humiliation... or STDs.