Not sure if this is the right section. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man with ADHD for almost a year now. Since it is long distance and I would only see him physically once a month or every two months. I didn't really pay too much attention to his flaky behaviors. It was more of a companionship thing for both of us really. We both have some intimacy issues going on and both were working on ourselves after failed marriages. So the set up was perfect. We'd mainly text/email/call most days.
Anyway, I'd always hoped I guess that eventually, we would work out our personal issues and come together properly. He always said I handled him better than anyone ever has. I am a classic enabler :/ And, he would tell me he loves me many times daily. He'd have a melt down now and then where he was moving to another city. Starting a new job. Going back to Uni. Selling his house. Starting a new job. Always, a new project. I would just keep busy and wait for him to get in touch again during this time. It'd never be for more than a week or so.
Recently, I'd noticed he was getting more and more frustrated. Not with me but usually himself or just his life in general. To the point he now has told me that he needs to get away, from all means of communication. At least for a while. Well now, this is a bit different to what I'm used to and made me panic somewhat. Especially since, it's now been two weeks since I've heard anything from him at all and this time I just get a sense that he's gone. When I normally think of him, its like I feel him but now it's like he's not there. If that makes any sense? I haven't tried to call him. I find it's better to leave him to come to me but inside I worry that this time, he won't be coming back.
Writing this out now I feel like perhaps there was nothing really ever between us anyway. Except a certain amount of emotional investment on my part. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I guess I just want to know if guys with ADHD (without generalising) just get up and go without defining that it's OVER. Or if I can expect him to contact me again. Or if I should swallow my pride and contact him. Or after reading some of the stories here, I should count my lucky stars that nothing ever really got started. I love him though. Ugh.
I don't know if this will
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't know if this will answer any of your questions, but I think my experience might interest you. I've been married for almost 30 years. Three years ago, at the end of an intensive outpatient therapy program, my husband decided that his next step in life was going to be to take care of his elderly parents four days per week and be at our family home three days per week. Since then, this has morphed into my husband being at his parents' home 24/7, for weeks at a time. He almost never calls me on the phone and rarely responds to my email messages. To give an example, in the past 9 weeks, he has called me twice: once to ask for my Social Security number and the other time to wish me a happy birthday (although most of his message consisted of him mumbling about how unhappy he is). I consider this behavior to be the functional equivalent of my husband ending our marriage; he doesn't. It's my sense that he thinks that if someone does something bad, as long as no one says anything about the bad behavior, it's as if it didn't happen.
Well, damn! I don't even... I
Submitted by EverOptimistic on
Well, damn! I don't even... I'm honestly blown away. I had no idea of the true nature of ADHD. I really thought it meant being a bit "flighty" and that was it. I should really buy the book but I don't want to begin obsessing over something until I know whether to invest more into this guy or not and/or if indeed he is still wanting to be "together". But reading about your experience now.... After 30 years !!! Is the condition progressive? I honestly thought that it was the equivalent of being disorganised/absent minded but on a grander scale of course. Both of which I can be myself but have made IMPROVEMENTS over time by hardwork and introspection. Do they really not improve? Is it really that disabling? :/
Do they not worry that their partner may leave? Or don't they think about it? I remember once, I may have gotten a bit annoyed in the early days and turned my phone off all weekend. He FREAKED out. Like a little kid. Almost, screaming in his voicemail about "Please don't let it be over". And, then he pulls stunts like going AWOL like this. Ugh. Its almost like we are expected to make constant allowances because of this disorder. Put ourselves/needs/wants second basically. Sorry I am waffling. Haven't slept much and still trying to make sense of it all. It's just not normal - how they make you feel. It's so dysfunctional. I don't know if I can handle it but at the sametime I'm not doing a very good job of handling the hurt and worry right now either. I think you ladies (and gents) deserve a medal or an OBE from the Queen or something.
If I knew then what I know now
Submitted by dweeb on
EverOptimistic,
I've been with my husband for 2.5 years. He neglects to see the reality of his add behaviours and refuses treatment of any sort. The unattached, void, unemotional is my daily life. He knows it a big burden on me to take on the load of the house, and taking care of my daughter, he understands it's unfair, but isn't able to do anything about it. He tells me it's easier to lie to me (I DID the dishes!!), than to face the consequence of not doing it. He knows we work on a cash system, but when I put money in his account for bills and he's out of money he'll spend it, and say he knows he shouldn't but doesn't care at the moment because *whatever* is more important. Read through some posts on here, it's a struggle to be married to someone with ADD, for the most part. There is joy as well, but the brunt of all responsibility will lie squarely on your shoulders. If you think you can handle that, then keep pushing.
If I knew then what I know now, I'd have done a 180 and walked away.....
My mistake, Optimist,
Submitted by dweeb on
My mistake, Optimist,
Only afterwards did I read you have been married for 30 years vs my piddly 2.5.
Dweeb, This sentence is
Submitted by add on
Dweeb, This sentence is exactly what I experience, "he knows it a big burden on me to take on the load of the house, and taking care of my daughter, he understands it's unfair, but isn't able to do anything about it". My husband, after 25 yrs walked out the door one day and basically ended the marriage. No talking about a thing! (in response to the post that started this thread, yes, many don't tell you it's over like most would. Your post had so many similarities to my marriage experience). Since then he has had almost no contact/connection with our son who is ADD and has serious depression. Like you, he knows it is unfair that I have to deal with the awful situation of dealing with our son alone but he does nothing about it. He has claimed to even cry over it. I tell him, "call me anytime to ask about appointments, medicine, etc". He never does!! Has your husband ever said what his brain is feeling when he is in these types of situations where he has to step up with a emotional connection to his child or help around the house? Unfortunately, now that I know my ex has ADD he is gone so I can't ask him but I wonder every day. Do they become so uncomfortable in the conversations or do they not even THINK to ask/help about their children's lives??? It drives me crazy!! Years ago, before I knew about the ADD, my husband made the comment that he could never work out marriages problems by talking. I would love to hear from those with ADD, too.
ADD and Optimist
Submitted by dweeb on
ADD, I wrote my initial post about a week ago, since then, my husband has ended things. When I think back to the day he asked to separate, I realize, he never actually said the words, at all! I said it on his behalf, for him. And truth be told, he still hasn't actually said it, and instead, has told me he loves me, misses me, misses my daughter, and since I left to stay with my parents and he's at the house, he's also told me that if he was certain he wanted to leave, he'd have packed his bags and left already...... Talk about confusing! He says that everything I've asked him to work on (contributing to the house, taking care of my daughter, chores, no more lying, or stealing money, etc) is a part of who he is, and I need to accept that since it's part of his personality and to stop trying to change him to suit my needs!! *gasp!!* How do you respond to that?!?
My husband, like yours, hasn't asked about my daughter, and coincedently (she's just 2), she hasn't asked about him either! It takes everything in him to focus on himself, that he doesn't have time to think about what anyone says. On another thread, JJaimeson posted this video, since Aspergers and ADD are on the same spectrum, it really put in perspective how my husband feels. Of course, not all applies, but I hope you find it as helpful as it has been me.
http://www.aspergerexperts2.com/video-1/?gw=youarein1277
ADD, I am an ADHD husband of
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
ADD, I am an ADHD husband of 30 years and I have some pretty bad communication issues with my wife. I have read your posts and comments, and I am sure that your husband and I have much in common. On that account please don't hate me . I have plenty of that already, lol. I am commenting here because you have said you want to hear from people with ADHD. I'm not sure what to say, but I am very good at answering questions as long as they are not from my wife, ha ha. Sorry that wasn't funny. Please respond if you want to ask me something.
Thanks for repsonding
Submitted by add on
Thanks for being the first to respond. You didn't mention if you have children but if you do, how do you explain my husband's total lack of involvement with the kids (no phone calls to them, very few texts, doesn't ask about school, work, etc, etc) or asking me about any of our sons ADD issues (doctors, medicine, treatments, etc)? My husband was like this even when he lived at home. Both our children have written him off but it is so sad that they don't have a Father. When we were together I used to calmly tell him how I felt about something but he would always say I was arguing. I would calmly tell him "I am not arguing, I just want to tell you how I feel". I have to feel that after 4 yrs of him being gone that he is seeing some of what I said was true but still not sure. When I once in awhile tell him what is going on here with our son he just says "so sorry" and that is it. There is a part of me that believes him but then nothing changes. I can't believe there is not a part of him that is suffering as he is now living alone without his family after almost 30 yrs. Thanks for any insight you have. I will take all you have.
Yes I have two daughters, now
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
Yes I have two daughters, now aged 26 and 20. I wouldn't say that in my case it was total lack of involvement, especially when they were young. But as they got older I developed some problems maintaining a connection with them. They were both heavily involved in sports and I really liked being a part of that, especially soccer. Now it seems like a real chore to get anything going as far as involvement in their lives, especially with the younger one. The problem here is that ADHD people are notorious for not being "present" in relationships. We have difficulty taking the perspective of another person, and difficulty understanding and identifying emotions. This is because the world presents itself to us as so chaotic and overwhelming, and our focus is so scattered, that we don't know what we are feeling, much less what's going on in someone else. What I am trying to say is that we have a tough time figuring out what other people want and need - we can't read their signals very well. This is why gift giving at holidays is so often disastrous - we can't see inside someone else clearly enough to figure out what gifts they would appreciate. IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE DON'T CARE. It's because we don't know how to care. I desperately want to show my wife and daughters that I care about them, but there is something in me that is just retarded in this area. So what you end up with is a set of very poor coping mechanisms, usually just giving up, or going into denial about it. And in his case getting defensive and argumentative when you "want to tell him how you feel." I bet he wants to be involved with his children, but is likely scared and ashamed to be around them because he knows so little about who they are on the inside, which is awkward and embarrassing. This is my experience for sure. Fortunately I have something very important in common with my older daughter - we are in the same profession. With the younger one, its pretty much hit or miss as far as me knowing what in the heck is going on with her. I watch befuddled as my wife carries on an hour long conversation with the girl about all kinds of stuff, it's so easy for her. Here's an analogy. Let's say you are not a very good singer. How would you feel if your friends sat there in the karaoke bar wondering what is wrong with you when you don't want to go? You don't have the skills, are not able to develop the skills, and therefore you cope by not putting yourself in the position of having to sing. And you might get argumentative and defensive if they insist that you go and sing, or you might start avoiding those people altogether.
Thanks for writing what you wrote
Submitted by add on
Thank you for writing so clearly how you feel. Yes, what you wrote is what I always felt was happening. He could be "friends" with our older daughter who was more talkative and into activities but our son who was much quieter and had the issues of ADD he could never connect with so today here he is now in another state and the relationship with his son is almost severed. I was the one to bring up the possibility of ADD and of course he denied it but there is a part of me that knows he knows he has it but just cant go there. Thanks again, it was very appreciated what you had to say. I wish you the best with your family and marriage.
Hmm, perplexing thoughts
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
N.A.I.,
I have read all your posts. And reread them a second time. You have all the right answers, and appear, by what I have read, as the turn-around-spouse many of us who post here wish we could or would experience.
I personally have struggled with every bit of my being to fulfill my life as a woman who did not give up, who honored her marriage vows, and did not tuck tail and run at the first sign of trouble. Yet as each days passes, there was not a thing that blasted my spouse from his seat of denial.. It never has been about "WHO" he is. It is about his behavior. And how it affects me and our marriage. It is about the lack of negotiating anything. It is about the absence of conflict resolution. It is about feeling honored and cherished and needed.
As of the last time I talked with him, his insistence is the problem is STILL me - and now it is all about how I - Liz - perceive things.
I have fought tooth and nail to stay away from divorce. Tooth and nail, for a long time, as I slowly witnessed my life dragged to the brink of no where else to go but complacency or divorce.
If nothing, no body, no one has changed the way our lives have gone, divorce is the end - not just another step that I can think, "Maybe this will blast him off his pity pot."
Liz
I am afraid that I might have
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am afraid that I might have created the impression that all is well in my marriage - it is not. There is a lot of anger and resentment still, because the next step after getting out of denial is doing something about the behaviors. For me that is the hardest part. I was SO HAPPY to get diagnosed, because then I knew that I wasn't crazy and my wife not a complete and total b***h. I hope you husband can see himself for what he is sooner rather than later.
doesnt get better
Submitted by coco8712 on
hey there i was with my dude for 1 yr and 6 months and girl it doesnt get btter it keeps on its a cycle up down up down. my guy and i get along when hes in a good mood , the smallest thing will just make him randomly change his mood, i walk on egg shells it sucks so bad. i am strong too i deal with the pain i cry i keep it to myself i know well be back together. this time he left me and didnt even tell me he stopped calling texting just killed me off on his own for his own reasons. i am a good gf to him and im like wow really all i tolerated and this is how he does me !!! im shocked honest to god we can make it past this but man it is hard i left my cares behind and put him and his special needs 1st im alone , i cant vent to him , i cant expect him to have emotions or feeling or communicate, or pick up the house or the slack nope i do it all a 1 man show me :( it is tough i love him so i do or did it but it doesnt get easy . he is severe he has cursed at me , belittled me for no reasin, he has a temper on him and always blames others ,, hell never say sorry , hell never be okay or normal i accepted that. he left me and im so sad ladies . i read your forums often and i think wow can i deal with that for years marriage yikes ! help help help i love the guy but he dont even care hes not appreciative at all. im a good girl
This stirred up a memory
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
EverOptimistic,
On my first date with my spouse, in 1982, he told me he was engaged to another woman - it was 'not official' according to him as she did not have a ring - but plans were made. He said he needed some women friends, so . . . . . . he took me out in a effort to make some. His girlfriend got really angry with him over that, especially since he took me to an expensive dinner theatre, while she was still in another state, believing he was saving up $$ to start a business to move her here.
Somehow their 'engagement' ended soon after out first date. He broke it off with her because she was not "understanding."
He kept insisting all along the next year that we 'just be friends'. He didn't want anything more.
His behavior towards me was much more than 'friends', yet I kept my emotions in check by hearing him constantly stating his ground rules - Just Friends. He did not kiss me - as he said kissing would be baring his soul. After about a year of 20 minute long hugs, and talking, talking, talking, he looked at me and said, "Do you love me?" I felt the blood rush to my head. "Hmm, he kept saying he only wants to be friends, but maybe he feels more and wants ME to say so, so he can be sure before he tells me he loves me. Lots of thoughts along that line rushed through my head.
Sooo, after a while, I looked at him and said, "Yes. Yes I do love you." He looked at me, asked me to stand up, gave me a hug, then said, "It's been nice hugging you Miss XXXXXX." And he turned around and left.
Oiy, all these years later, I ask myself, why did I chase after him after he left? I thought I was so-o-o loving and "If you love something, set it free, , , , , , ," How corny. I kept writing to him, telling him to take all the time he needed to 'find himself." Gosh, was I nieve.
Last year he said he was going to leave. I talked him out of it. Why did I do that?
I so understand emotional investment.
This is sort of a rambling post, but there it is in a nutshell.
Liz
.
Would love some clarification from NotAnIdiot
Submitted by Aspen on
Brief introduction (feel free to skip): Non ADD wife of an ADD man (I think him not having the hyperactivity part has been key to our success). 13 years married always basically happy, but 6 years in we realized there were a lot of arguments caused by unfulfilled commitments on his part. The following couple years of getting a diagnosis were ROUGH as he got his diagnosis and then did nothing else as he waited for the pills to solve all ADD issues. I kept pushing him to discover workarounds to mitigate the consequences of his ADD in our life. One of my rants even made it into Melissa's first books (eek). There is definitely hope if you have a partner who is looking to make things better. We are a success story because we have always been committed to each other and getting this dynamic figured out. . Our life runs mostly smoothly even if the organization of it is mostly on my shoulders.
A lot of people here won't remember me....that makes me a little sad, but it is my own fault as it's been a long time since I have posted here. It really is true that the happy couples really don't spend a lot of time on the forums. I do try to come back and check up on the people posting, but so often they are dealing with mates that don't want help or to address the ADD, and I don't have any answers for that.
I say all this to introduce myself and because I want to take NotAnIdiot up on his offer of answering questions and it seems rude to do so when he has never heard of me LOL. To be fair, I also offer myself to answer any questions I am capable of answering from anyone in a similar situation as we are in. 13 years married, no kids, no hyperactivity, extremely happy. ADD Husband/non ADD wife. The main thrust of most of my questions have to do with the thought process of the ADD mate. My husband is not great at explaining his thought processes to me, so I always pounce when I find a person opening themselves up to questions of this type :)
You posted:
"Let's say you are not a very good singer. How would you feel if your friends sat there in the karaoke bar wondering what is wrong with you when you don't want to go? You don't have the skills, are not able to develop the skills, and therefore you cope by not putting yourself in the position of having to sing. And you might get argumentative and defensive if they insist that you go and sing, or you might start avoiding those people altogether."
I think I get what you mean, but I question the "you are not able to develop the skills" when it comes to dealing with ADD. That is possibly the part of the thinking process that frustrates me the most and also that I question the most. You can't be nonADD--fact. Is that what you mean by what you post? Cause I get that, and I am tone deaf and married to a man who loves to sing karaoke, so believe me the illustration resonates.
The thing is I feel sometimes like my ADD husband feels this way about adjustments he needs to make to his way of doing things. As in thinking "I am a disorganized person and I do not have the skills to become organized" and I think that is untrue. Sure naturally he may be disorganized, but we all have the ability to develop the skills to do what we need to do. That is how I feel about this issue. Can you clarify what mean please?
clarification
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I knew when I wrote that phrase that it might not be clear enough. I take it as a medical fact that ADHD cannot be "cured." However, I do believe that it is possible to develop the skills necessary to manage ADHD symptoms, just like it is possible for someone to take voice lessons, work really hard, and become tolerable at singing. I have improved my ADHD coping skills over the past 3 years or so, but not at the rate that my wife would like. I think that real improvement requires professional help. You can't just "try harder." You have to find a way to do things differently. I am now seeing a CBT guy who is promising. What also helps me are the sections of various books (especially Gina Pera's "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?") that offer practical suggestions for behavioral changes, and not just endless discussion of what the problem is. In my case I sat down with my wife and said ok what is one thing that I can work on today and the rest of the week so that it can become a habit. We decided that I should practice answering her questions directly and resist the urge to ramble on and on about extraneous things because I find just saying yes or no to be boring, lol. It helped because I focused on just one thing to improve, not a whole mountain of stuff. And she is happy if I am at least making an effort, and not just doing the same old things and hoping for a magical result. I hope this helps, ask away some more if you want. I don't think it is rude at all, please don't think that.
Mine Just Disappeared...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
After three months of hyperfocus, he just "ghosted" me... stopped answering texts/phone calls, etc. I was just dead to him. A week before we were to go on vacation together. And he had just told me how much he loved me and wanted me to meet his parents just a few days before.
It's like a switch just flipped. I still have no idea what the hell happened :(
same here we had a wonderful
Submitted by coco8712 on
same here we had a wonderful happy loving normal weekend and the next day we woke up and hated me was mad at me for some reason. we just were planning a vacation away go figure . hes been alone for 10 years and now i put time and love into him and this is what i get how sad. :(
Mine Was a Loner Too!
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
He had a set routine that regularly involved work, home and spending 4 days a week with his parents (dinner and/or movie)... which I thought was kind of odd. I mean, if you're going to spend THAT much time with them, why bother leaving home? I really have no point of reference, as I am not close with my family, so I just chalked it up to him just being close with his... but in hindsight, I think it's their way of keeping him on a short leash to stay out of trouble.
In the three months I'd known him, he only ever went out with or even mentioned a "friend" one time. I asked him once why he didn't hang out with his friends and he replied he only had maybe a half dozen or so, and they all moved away or were married with kids so they don't hang out. He wasn't even on Facebook. He wouldn't even socialize with people at work. He'd spend every break making a beeline for his car. He often talked about feeling alone, but seemed to make no effort to go out and make friends.
This makes the ghosting all the more perplexing... you're alone, have little to no friends, things are going good enough in your relationship that you plan a vacation together... now's a good time to just throw it all away for no reason?
There wasn't any major fight or disagreement that preceeded this... can any ADHDer explain this?
Another conundrum
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
... now's a good time to just throw it all away for no reason?
There wasn't any major fight or disagreement that preceeded this... can any ADHDer explain this?
jenna-nonADHD,
I cannot explain this. On the other hand, I can certainly understand being on the receiving end of the experience.
In the recent months, I have been striving to look at things in my relationship from my own perspective, rather than putting the focus on my spouse's behavior. This is certainly a monumentally difficult task. It is not so very easy to explain experiences in "I" statements. When I reread them, they sure sound a lot like focusing on his behavior, then I delete the whole comment, then sit with my own frustration. Boo, hiss.
So that said, I will attempt to explain.
I, me, Liz, get very frustrated when I feel I have done a good job of coming to an agreement on a course of action. I feel the end result gets sabotaged by an abrupt change of action from someone who is not me. An action that was not spoken aloud.
Oiy. This is hard. Grrr. It is like, how in the world does a person deal with this sort of scenario: I do not like being hit by XXXXX. (PURELY as an example. I do not allow anyone to hit me :) ) It is an "I" statement, yet it must contain the action of the other person. And hitting someone else is categorically wrong by anyone's book. I guess maybe the idea here is to figure out what boundaries I need to to put up, rather than figure out how to get another person not to hit me.
I do not like the feeling of having plans sabotaged. What I know right now is, I will not get acknowledgement nor validation when I try to discuss a situation. What I need or want, is to have my spouse choose to figure out why I feel the way I do, rather than angrily try to "prove" my feelings are wrong, and he is right.
Does any of this make sense to you?
Liz
As Women, We Blame Ourselves First...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
As women, we blame ourselves first... did I do something wrong? Did I say something to upset him? I think we always look inward when things go wrong to see if its our fault or if we could've handled the situation better even if the other person is wrong.
In most relationships, you have some sense of what happened. But in a relationship with an ADHDer, you second guess whether its you, them, or their ADHD. And the sad thing is, sometimes THEY don't even understand why they did what they did, so they certainly can't provide you with the answers you are so desperately seeking.
I understand completely...
Submitted by Elfen40 on
I know what you mean my dear. The only difference between your situation and mine is that I actually had never met this guy in person. We met online and all our conversations were conducted online. We used to talk DAILY and I mean DAILY and then.....he started vanishing. The first time it happened, he had told me on Saturday night that he wanted to spend the entire day with me on Sunday and then on Sunday, he vanished. Not a word, nothing. On Tuesday I decided to send him an email to ask if I had done something wrong and that it seems what we had wasn't real. And he was shocked to hear this from me. He was saying how sad he was that I would ever think that what we had wasn't real. So I chalked it up to being panicky. But then a few weeks later he vanished in the exact same way. He told me again that he wanted to spend Sunday all day with me one Saturday and then disappeared with not even a word on Sunday. Nothing. He came back a few days later but he has done it again. This time he has gone for longer. What was weird is that I texted him this past Saturday. He responded once and then I texted him again and then he just didn't respond at all, and that was like five days ago. We are supposed to meet in December of this year but in light of him just vanishing the way he keeps vanishing, I ... I don't know. I mean I'm learning more and more about ADHD and that it seems that they do this. The issue I have is whether he's gone for good or is it the ADHD or .....what. So confused. I give up honestly.
Your probably better off....
Submitted by c ur self on
He doesn't sound very responsible or accountable...He sounds married....
That thought has crossed my
Submitted by Elfen40 on
On-line dating....
Submitted by c ur self on
Elfen40 I've just heard to many horror stories about meeting on line, not that there aren't plenty of healthy relationships that have started that way. (I guess)...I've got a friend who just went threw a divorce. She meet this guy on line, they married and lived together for a couple of years...I like him just fine...But, I didn't have to live with him. (Just like many of us who have spouses who battle add/adhd. They can be very loveable if you don't have to take them home) He moved into her house, wasn't in any hurry to get a job. And when he did, it seemed she was still stuck supporting them...I tried to discuss it with him, and he got defensive and talked about his health issues and stuff. Never manned up to his responsibilities as a husband...I guess she got enough, I'm not saying I agree with how she handled it...But, I do understand....I sure hope you find the right one, being single when you would like to have a spouse to share life with can be lonely for sure...But, believe me there are much worse things than being alone!....Blessings!
C
Ghosting
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
I'm so sorry that happened to you as well. I think "ghosting" is a common issue in the dating world nowadays (unfortunately!), if you are ADHD or not. I'm just curious if this is MORE common in the ADHD world, seeing as a common thread seems to be the inability to articulate their feelings/needs.
It's been almost a year (Jan), and I am still coming to terms with what happened. I am devastated that someone can tell you they love you and can't wait to see you, and then a few days later... nothing. I keep replaying in my head, "What could I have done wrong? What could I have done differently?... And whatever the issue is, did I deserve THIS?"
The most perplexing thing to me is that in the short time we were together, I gathered that: 1. He had virtually no friends. 2. He wouldn't even socialize with coworkers on break or during social events like pot lucks at work. 3. He needed incessant attention... calling on every work break, at all hours of the day, everytime he was in the car, even if it was a short drive or he was roaming the grocery store... unless he had something to do, he had to be on the phone with me, even if he really didn't have anything to say. 4. He seemed incredibly lonely. (His life revolved around tv, movies and video games.)
He went from latching onto me, very clingy, to doing a complete 180 and disappearing. I wish desperately for answers, just like you, as to what happened.
I know each individual situation is different, but I'd love to know if any ADHD'er can shed light on this topic. What is it like for an ADHD'er to be in a new relationship? Do you try to hide it, or are you upfront about it? Do you try to be more self aware at the beginning? Do you feel/know when the hyperfocus wears off? Or better yet, do you even know when you are hyperfocusing on someone in the beginning? Is it like that with every new relationship? How do you know if you are hyperfocusing, or if you are really in love? Does hyperfocus wear off at the same point each time? (3 months? a year?) Is it just easier to run away then have crucial conversations? (ex: Assuming the "hot guy" your gf just friended on FB must be something more, but deciding to fume instead of ask questions about it?)
Honestly Jenna I do wonder if
Submitted by Elfen40 on
Additional Stressors...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
Mmm, what struck me about your comment was the extraneous stressor in his life... mine was dealing with a multitude of home issues, that frankly, I think some of which he brought upon himself.
Right before the holidays, he decided to embark on installing new floors, repainting a room, fixing plumbing issues, gutting/remodeling a bathroom and resolving termite issues. Most people would tackle emergency issues first, and then cosmetic "wants" later... but he decided to have everything done at once right before the holidays, which of course turned his house upside-down and stressed him out to no end that his home would not be "perfect" in time for the holidays. I begged him to hold off on the cosmetic "wants" til after the holidays, and offered to help paint, move furniture, etc. He refused, and said everything had to be done and perfect for when I came to visit. He was hiring out all the work, but all the hiccups and messes of having multiple contractors at once just drove him nuts, and he got very angry and agitated easily.
I can't help but wonder if having an additional outside stressor contributes to their decision to flee... having to put in the "work" on a relationship is hard enough, but given more stress, I think it provokes a fight or flight response.
You might be on to something
Submitted by Elfen40 on
Punch in the gut
Submitted by Elfen40 on
Empathy Chip is Missing
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
In the early stages, he'd go on about how he thinks about other people, but that couldn't be further from the truth. For someone to "ghost" another human being, you'd seriously have to be lacking an empathy chip somewhere. People have said its immaturity, but I think it's more than that... it callous and malicious.
In my case, I struggle with depression and anxiety. Knowing this, he still close to ghost me, to throw me away like a piece of trash.
ADHD or not, they have to know that it's wrong, that it will hurt you. Some will argue that having ADHD prevents them from seeing the consequences of their actions (that they are causing you pain), but in this case I would have to disagree. A murderer tries to hide the body to avoid punishment because he know what he did is wrong, even if he is unwilling to admit it.. likewise, if an ADHDer is going out of their way to avoid you, they know they have a guilty conscience about the ghosting they've done and want to avoid being confronted about it.
My friends keep telling me "I dodged a bullet" and that I shouldn't pine over what God is trying to save me from, and in a way, my brain agrees that they are probably right, but my heart is taking a lot longer to let go... I wish I could take a pill to make me forget everything, because some days it still hurts like it just happened yesterday.
I absolutely know the feeling
Submitted by Elfen40 on
Against my better judgment I
Submitted by Elfen40 on
Discounting Feelings
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
Elfen40, don't discount your relationship or feelings just because you two haven't met in person yet. Many relationships start out this way and lead to long-term long-distance physical relationships or marriage. Your situation doesn't make it less real, nor does it discount the very real pain you are feeling.
That being said, you're right in that you have no way to know if he's being honest about the death in his family... but I would think in a moment of grief or crisis, wouldn't the person you are in a relationship with be the first person you'd want to run and tell and get comfort from?
My first ADHD relationship ran hot/cold with him avoiding me on and off, but we eventually lived together for ten years. When we were on more solid ground, I asked why... One time, he said I freaked him out about a random comment about his license plate. I'd seen his car in the parking lot at work and noticed he had the letters BJ in his tag, so I casually made a juvenile joke about it later... it freaked him out because he thought I'd memorized his plate number so I must be some crazy stalker-type chick.
Before we were "officially" dating, I had entered the store with my ex to buy something. He came out from the warehouse, saw us, and turned right around and walked back. He later said he thought I brought my ex up there to beat him up. I said, that's ridiculous, why on earth would I do that? He said he didn't really know, but assumed we had gotten back together and I was bringing him there to kick his ass for hitting on me.
His ADHD mind was completely irrational. But I was friends with his cousin before we met and I was in good with his parents, so I had a support network to talk him down the ledge.
It's a completely different animal when the person you're in a relationship with is long-distance and you have no in common third-party to help you suss out what is really going on. It may have been the truth or it may be something completely irrelevant that made him overreact and run.
Men in general have a hard time expressing or disclosing their feelings as it is. With ADHD men, you'd probably have a better chance at breaking into Fort Knox instead.
At this point I don't care if
Submitted by Elfen40 on
ADHD or not, they have to know that it's wrong, that it will hur
Submitted by dedelight4 on
In my case, NO, my husband can't bring HIMSELF to say "it's over". But, in his heart, it seems like it's been over for a long time now. After recently telling me that he's always been "in love" with his college girlfriend, and not me, was a devastating blow. But, he himself would not bring himself to say IT'S OVER. I had to be the one to tell HIM that we can't live like this anymore. I don't know WHY he won't say the words himself. For some reason he thinks if he "says those words" HE is the bad guy, not realizing that his actions and lack of love have been TALKING FOR HIM for many years now. Regardless of how many dozens of times I've asked him to tell me what he's thinking, what's in his heart and PLEASE communicate to me in SOME WAY. After a total of 35 years together, it made ME feel like "What the HELL is wrong with ME, that I can't get my own husband to talk to me, OR love me". "What am I doing WRONG?" Reading books, altering my behavior, working hard on anything and everything I could, CRYING ENDLESS TEARS. Finally, it took it's toll and almost totally destroyed me. When your ADHD partner WILL NOT communicate with you, it's a never ending struggle of not know WHAT THE HECK YOU ARE DEALING WITH. And, you CAN'T deal with, or FACE with what you DON'T KNOW.
And ADHD or NOT, he HAS to know that what he's been doing is WRONG. But, he didn't want to face THAT either. So, he let this whole LIE permeate our lives until everything was destroyed. I KNOW, he's living in a FANTASY, and what he "thinks" he's going to have with the OW, is not reality. She doesn't know about the ADHD, and has never LIVED with him, so she's in for a BIG SHOCK. But, he KNOWS and has known that this was going to hurt me, so instead of facing me, and dealing with it, he said he kept "squashing those feeling down so that he wouldn't feel them any more", "But, they kept cropping up over and over". He was even shocked that I KNEW who the woman was, and said, "How do you know THAT?" I told him it was easy, because, "I see more with my heart and not my head". He's got this thing to where you have to SAY THE WORDS before something is "REAL". But, if the words are lies, or lies of omission, or half truths, you're messing things up WORSE, NOT making it better."
I really think his perception of love is totally skewed, and he won't face what he doesn't want to FEEL. I guess he will find out, but it's destroying a whole lot of people's lives in the process.
I often wonder the same thing
Submitted by FindingHope on
My husband was diagnosed with ADD last year at 36 and to this day will not admit things that I know to be true. He has never never been affectionate with me or said he loved me. On a number of occasions I have suspected and found him communicating with ex's and crushes at work via text. I know he has always had a serious addiction to pornography and women in general. I have tried to talk with him and explain that I would rather know the truth then be in a relationship with someone that will always be distracted by other women. He refuses to admit any of it even when I find things on his phone. He did admit, at a church marriage weekend, that he was a liar and knows he lies to himself to not deal with things. I am an orphan with a dad that abandoned me when I was 4 so you can imagine this is really not a good situation for me to be in. I've been with him for 10 years and don't want to go through this for another 10. I want to be loved and how do we stay with someone that will never have the capacity to love us? Or maybe they do on some level as Melissa writes but have a hard time showing it. I know my husband loves my kids but he isn't very affectionate with them either so I know it isn't just me that he treats this way.
Anyway, I haven't posted much and I know I have to leave the relationship I'm in but it is going to be hard.
I wish you all the best in life as it sounds like you deserve love and kindness after all these years. I know how that feels to just want to hear one kind word from your spouse but they are too distracted by everything else to care. Please keep posting your progress. Thank you!
The more I hear about years
Submitted by Elfen40 on
KNOW, he's living in a FANTASY, and what he "thinks" he's going
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
KNOW, he's living in a FANTASY, and what he "thinks" he's going to have with the OW, is not reality. She doesn't know about the ADHD, and has never LIVED with him, so she's in for a BIG SHOCK.
<<<
Likely, part of him is afraid of living with her. Deep down, he knows he's not like other "mentally healthy" men. He's likely afraid that she may realize his short-comings early on and leave. Then what will he have?
Plus, you've been married a long time. I don't know what kind of incomes you each have or assets, but splitting everything up could mean some financial devastation. That may scare him.
When my H had stars in his eyes about divorcing me and hooking up with some (younger) babe that he hoped to meet, his atty shocked him into reality about how much he'd lose, including half of his retirement...which means he suddenly wouldn't be financially attractive.
<<<
But, he KNOWS and has known that this was going to hurt me, so instead of facing me, and dealing with it, he said he kept "squashing those feeling down so that he wouldn't feel them any more", "But, they kept cropping up over and over". He was even shocked that I KNEW who the woman was, and said, "How do you know THAT?"
>>>>
lol...how did you know? He must have left some clues.
Well I'm never getting that
Submitted by Elfen40 on