The End

My Dh and I met tonight and I was under the impression that we were working on a plan to get our marriage back on track, offer up what we each need to work on and let each other know what we need and that we can work towards happiness together. I was so hopeful that this was going to be the point where we would stop spiraling out of control and get back on track - like we were starting to in late last Nov 2010. Well, I was duped. 

I offered a list of things to that I need to work on; Dh asked many questions about how, where and why I would do those things and then agreed to the changes I offered.  I offered to completely forgot about the past and just move forward and deal with the hear and now issues together; again, DH agreed to do so.  I expressed how I was really ready to move forward with additional changes and wanting to have a loving and caring relationship with him; again DH agreed. But I just had this gut feeling that DH wasn't fully committed.

Dh offers to me; that if I were to spend more time with him and have more interests of his and get healthy and figure out what we had when we were first together and how to get it back then yes, he'd like to stay together.  According to DH its our kids fault that we don't spend time together.  Dh believes that his ADD is in check, he refuses to use any anti depression meds ever again (still using dextroamphetamine XR) and that he feels that he is more focused and out of the fog then ever before. I never asked him to take any meds in the first place.

Then he continues with what does he have to be happy about? Why should he be happy?  When I explain to him that he has everything: kids and wife that love him, a very good job, a nice home and he's relatively healthy. Do you have a million dollars in the bank - no; but $ doesn't buy happiness.  What do you (DH) think makes you happy? 

His reply: getting in shape and healthy.  Period. Oh yeah, I don't think that we need to see our marriage counselor or at least not as frequently. I disagreed with this and said I feel that right now we need counseling more than ever to get back on track.

So I ask him is there anything that he needs from me? Anything that I haven't been doing or need to stop doing? 

DH reply: No. 

I ask: can you clarify that for me. Im really confused.  You just stated how you think our relationship sucks to its the kids fault our relationship sucks, that we need to spend more time together to getting healthy; but there isn't anything you need or want from me to help turn things around?

DH reply: "we need to leave." "Im ready to leave now" So we left the restaurant. 

So I asked him once we were in the car if he could now clarify the answer.

DH: you will need to ask the question again. 

Okay I did. 

DH reply: "well basically, I guess it gets down to Im just not attracted to you."

I said "why didn't you just tell me that to begin with and we didn't need to go through all of this"

DH: I'm just now realizing that's how I feel. 

Well needless to say, I had reached my limit. I said that's fine. But I deserved better than what he is giving me. That manning up to how he felt in the beginning would have been the respectable thing to do.  That since he no longer loved me and isn't attracted to me then there is no point in working at counseling and we can put the house on the market next week. Begin moving forward with divorce proceeding.

DH: Well didn't you change your tune fast. From working it all out to selling the house, ect.

Me: There's no point in working on our marriage by myself. You want out, and there is nothing that I can say or do that will change your mind or feelings. So there is nothing else to work at other than getting the house sold.

DH: And what will we get for it in this market?

Me: What difference does it make? Let's just finish this off (meaning our marriage).

DH: Well what about the kids?

Me: They stay with me.

DH: that's not what I meant. Have you thought how they will feel if we divorce?

Me: Well, I don't see any other options so it is what it is. (He KNEW that he would get me with this - he KNOWS that I can't stand the idea of the kids being hurt)

Dh: We can stay together for the sake of the kids. We can stay together and raise the kids and this will have little impact on them if we stay together.

Me: So like roommates? No marriage relationship?

Dh: yeah.

Me: Well, all I can say for now is that I do not plan to be alone forever. I deserve better than what I have gotten the last 6 years. 

Dh: Well I don't intend to date anyone.

Me: no reply.

I don't know what to make of all of this. I am hurt and relieved at the same time. I am angry - I think I always thought that he wanted out but just wasn't man enough to admit it - guess I was right. I feel like he just pretty much said that because Im not a size 10 and look like I did 25 years ago (and 2 babies) then he doesn't want me and no one else will either.  I feel "used" and duped. 

But more so I feel like a failure as a wife and partner and still so very alone. Not sure right now if staying together for the kids is the right thing for the kids and I. Hell, DH will probably up and change the rules when the housing market turns around.

I know I need to move forward for me, but I'm having a really hard time getting over this tonight. Its not like I haven't considered this option before; not like I wasn't curious that this was what he wanted, but I feel that he has sent me so many mixed signals that I don't know what he will do next.  I know that I will be fine once on my own (with the kids) but it is a scary thought. I have no idea where to start.  With my dad's failing health I can't ask them for help - its just to much to ask.   I have a good support group around me; but I think that right now its my pride that is getting in the way (having to admit that I failed at my marriage) and having to ask for help (just when will i realize what I need help)?

Anyway, that's the thanks I get for the last 25 years....what a fool I have been!

Boy, can I relate to this. 

Boy, can I relate to this.  My ADHD husband and I had a similar conversation about 5 years ago.  He justified it by saying he was having a "MID-LIFE CRISIS", even though I don't think there is such a thing, but he had just turned 50, had a heart scare and had to have stints put in and then had nodules detected in a lung scan, which later on proved to be nothing bad.  This was his first "reality check" and he couldn't deal with it.  He said many hurtful things to me that I don't think I will ever be able to forget.  He also threw alot in my face about my aging, wrinkles, weight, etc....Yeah, I have wrinkles and I am not as skinny as I was 30 years ago but I do exercise on a regular basis and maintain a size 8 and have been told by many people that I don't look my age.  I think the truth of the matter was, he couldn't deal with his aging process.  His wrinkles, his weight gain(can you say beer belly!!!!), his lack of motivation to take care of himself, etc....so he lashed out at me.  I doubt if the thought ever crossed his mind that maybe I might not be attracted to him anymore either because of above!!!  He also had an EA during this period which just added fuel to the fire.  We also were heading in the direction of divorce and selling the house and I can tell you, I was more than ready to proceed accordingly.  I was tired of the BS.  Told him so and threw the ball into his court.  I think it scared him to death that he was going to have to make a life changing decision and be on his own.  "Reality check" again.  Then, on one of his follow-up appointments to his GP, I guess he mentioned he was having problems, she suggested that maybe because of this heart issues, he might be fighting with some depression.  So, she got him in touch with a counselor who also got him in touch with a psychiatrist and that's when he received the ADHD diagnosis.  This certainly explained alot, but much of the damage was already done.  We are still together, trying to make the best of a bad situation.  I am not sure how my husband really feels about all of this.  He never talks too much about it.  I can tell you that my guard is still up because at the drop of a hat, it could happen again.  I refuse to let my guard down as I will not be hurt again and therefore, our relationship will never be the same, unfortunately.  Lastly, please do not think you have failed at your marriage.  You have not.  You have given your all.  We have no control over how the other person in the relationship is feeling or thinking.  That was an eye-opener for me.    

Thanks for your reply.  I'm

Thanks for your reply.  I'm sorry to hear about your husband health and I do think that would have in impact on his mental state. Mine has not had a heart attack - just a missing heart.

I'm not sure that I can live with his set up - the biggest part of the marriage that I was unhappy with was the loneliness. I'm 40 and I want to spend my life with someone. The way I see it is if I agree to his deal then I get nothing and he gets exactly what he wants plus he doesn't have to deal with any of our issues.  That sounds like a very lonely life for me.  I do deserve to be happy I just don't know where that happiness is yet.

I have gained a lot of weight. I have been through hell.  So the way I am looking at it is that I can lose weight but he can't change who he has become. 

Lonelywife

I'm sure he IS sending mixed signals because he probably doesn't know what he wants. I think marriage and a home a family are like a life raft to an ADDer. Mine at least, hated to be alone and can't function without someone to 'do' for him. The only thing mine hated more than the idea of being alone was the idea that he had to make real changes in himself. I demanded change, but he kept getting worse and worse (all the while saying he was changing, and I just wasn't seeing it). It was like he was forcing me to make the decision to divorce.

Once I decided it was over, my first step, while we were still married, was to live as if he wasn't here. That wasn't hard, since he disappeared into his 'office' all day and I had to do everything myself anyway. I stopped asking if he wanted to go shopping, etc, and just did it. I stopped asking him to do ANYTHING, and just did it all myself. My ignoring him (by not asking him to do things so HE could ignore ME) just made him mad and the ADD skyrocketed. It took me almost a year to get him to move out, and everyday was some new disaster...he was really into breaking/ruining my things. Always an 'accident' of course, and what a witch I was to blame him for having an accident (every day? and always MY things?)

Kicking him out was like a shock to his system; for a year or so I wasn't sure if he'd sink or swim. But ADDers are usually very intelligent and have resources that they don't even know they have. Mine straightened out and is doing well. And so am I. After 26 years of living with him, I was old and worn out, and I looked and acted like it.  Without the fighting, worrying, and burden of dealing with his ADD, I've lost weight and look 20 years younger, and I have the confidence I used to have (it wasn't an easy recovery, but worth it!). I think I'm doing BETTER than I was when we first met. I'm older and wiser, but healthier and look pretty good again!

LynnW - thanks for your

LynnW - thanks for your reply. 

So much of your post is what we have already been through.  He ignors me most of the time.  I think he would be fine on his own.

I think that DH doesn't want me to divorce as normal, because then he would be forced to make a move.  And then having to explain it to the kids and finally the money.  I do not have a job, I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years and I do not have a college degree, our 2 kids tend to great ill and will miss 2-3 days for each occurance so for me to try and get a full time job and then have to miss work 2 to 3 days a week when they get sick each time - its not a good thing. The only family around to help is his family - so Im sure that would be out.  So I am feeling trapped. I don't want to move the kids and cause more chaos which I would need to do to be near family.

I too am worn out and look worn out. I hope I can change that for me.

I think I need to get to a counselor for me and work through some of this stuff.

Funny Moment

The whole divorce thing wasn't fun, but there was a moment that was so weird it was funny. About 10 months after my husband moved out (we weren't divorced yet, but it was in the works), I said something to him in an email about and him not living here and the kids friends asking questions. He wrote back and said "So you went behind my back and told the kids that I'd moved out??!!"

I was stunned; he'd been gone for 10 months. I think the kids had noticed that he wasn't here any more; I didn't have to tell them. What was he thinking?? I will NEVER understand the way his mind worked.

funny!

Thanks LynnW that is a funny story.  Just what made your ex think that after 10 months of not living in the same space that the kids wouldn't notice?  I really could hear my DH saying something like that!  The world does center around him, after all.

Thanks for a good chuckle - I sure needed it!

The image I get from your

The image I get from your post is that your DH was kind of just after having the upper hand. Based on my ADD point of view I feel like he just wanted to be dramatic and be in control. I can't describe that feeling but I've had it too. I can say very dramatic things (not very often I'd like to stress but often enough for me to recognize it) and I can't really put my finger on why. If I want the attention or if I just need something to happen cause of under stimulation. I am suspecting it's a little bit of both. The situations when I have done that have been very deep and hour long fights. So again not very common.

Your husband also seem stuck on the health thing. In my life, I always see things that "if only this then everything will be alright". I rely on different events/physical stuff to turn things around and make my life so awesomely awesome. I don't know if that is a little bit a symptom from ADD (low self-esteem, etc) or if it has to do with my personality.

Me, I would probably try to remain calm and kind of distance myself from the events of the night. Let my spouse calm down (or actually since I am "your spouse" I'd let myself calm down). If he is like me then if you don't feed this attention he is seeking by being so harsh and dramatic is the best way to go. He will (again if he is like me) react very strongly to this, I usually get very frustrated and argue even more but if all my words aren't leading anywhere then eventually I am forced to just give up and admit defeat. Then I recover quickly and can think logically again. However, if the person keeps feeding me attention, getting worked up, cry or get angry etc I will escalate.

You didn't let him down in any way, you didn't cheat or gamble away all your money. You are not asking him for another chance or for forgiveness. Yet the conversation you've posted gives me the impression that he is acting like it's all his decision and he is the center of the earth. Maybe you need to make this decision for yourself, maybe this is not a mutual decision like so many other things in a marriage. Do you want to stay with this man? How much is pure love and how much is the fear of the unknown?

I can tell you that you will be alright and your kids will be alright. In the end it will all be alright, as long as you feel like your life was your decision.

My Dh is not the dramatic

My Dh is not the dramatic type ... he says very little.  He meant what he said - which will be fine.

He is totally stuck on healthy living ... yet he too is overweight, drinks too much, eats crap food, doesn't get enough sleep and now refuses to treat his depression. Im not sure how that is healthy living in his mind but whatever.  He accuses our son of "not taking care of himself" over and over - which as our son pointed out the he does take care of himself and and that he doesn't weigh 300 pounds.  The healthy living theme is constant with DH. He did lose 40 pounds about 9 months ago - but then he gained it all back when he took himself off his meds in Dec of last year. Oh yeah, he lost all that weight from eating only frozen vegtables for every meal. He has had gym memberships that never get used - we went to the gym last week together and he went off on his own and I worked out on the treadmill and water exercise and he shot a few baskets and sat and read the newspaper. 

Thank you for your point of view, but DH said what he meant and means what he said.  There is nothing to argue or fight over.  I don't want someone that doesn't want me. I know that I deserve better than what is here now.  The hurt comes from the fact that I married for better or worse and I have stuck it out through the really bad times with him and his decisions - I thought my spouse would do the same for me.  I didn't realize that marriage vows came with an expiration date.

I feel that I let myself and kids down.  I know all of the hard work and effort that I have put into saving this marriage.  But thank you for the reminder.

Yes he is on this kick that he isn't going to "argue" and so what he says it the end.  He is looking for control in what ever arena he can since he is so unhappy at work (which is what triggered his ADD in the first place).  So I will have to make the decisions that are best for me and the kids.  I think that he believes he is in control because life would be almost impossible for me with the kids at first on our own.

Thank you for your imput and thoughts.  You are right, I need to make this decision for me for me to be able to live with the decision and move on.

I can in many ways simulate

I can in many ways simulate the feelings you must be having, and that you are expressing since I am married myself. I haven't been in your situation but I feel so sad that you feel like you've let yourself and the kids down. I don't think anything is a waste or in vain or a mistake as long as you always remember why you did it and being able to look back at whatever it is and say "I did my best". The feeling is logical and hard to fight but it's actually wrong, you would have let you and the kids down if you didn't follow your feelings. Whether it be stay or go. Your life. Your decision. You're the one "paying off the life loan".

Be strong! In the end we always pull through and good times will always be free refill :)

Kippei

Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right, I need to take control of my life.  Im not sure how all of this will play out, but right now I don't want him back. Not sure if its the hurt talking right now or if that is really how I feel.

The thought of not having to deal with the craziness of his ADD in my life is so tempting!

Time will tell I guess

thinking of you

Hi there, lonelywife,

Just thinking about you and your post. First, I am so sorry. This long thread and many of the posters make lots of sense, and I am amazed at the strategies people successfully use to navigate tough situations. But--it is so not fun to have the person you are with say hurtful things to you, whether they mean them or not. At some point, I thought, my STBX bears responsibility for saying these things to me. 

Interestingly, I don't know if it is an ADHD thing, but mine used to start up a new thing like it was religion--exercising, you name it. And would make it sound like he lived his life that way and did it every day, when in fact, he usually would have had a new routine or pursuit going for about 2 weeks, if that. And he would critique everyone else who did not do what he was doing. I can't tell you how many times he would wash the dishes (after not doing it for months), then chastise me for leaving one dish in the sink for 15 minutes. I think he really believed in his mind that he was the one who washed the dishes right after using them, because he had started a new routine for a day or two. I would giggle at it sometimes. Aaand..he would stop doing it after a day or two. 

I feel for the situation you are in and wish strength for you. I will tell you that no matter what you decide, you are stronger than you think. Not that I would be able to say that this is the right or wrong path for you, but I was scared to death to separate from my STBX and have the kids virtually on my own. I don't make a lot of money and have no relatives nearby and even after I knew it was the right thing to do it took me months to tell him I was doing it. But one morning I woke up and realized that I was going to look back on my life and regret it if I stayed--and that I could be in for 10, 20, 30 more years of this, and then I knew.

And please do not blame yourself. Have you tried counseling? It you find a good one, it makes SO much difference. I spent a lot of time agonizing over the effort and love I had put into almost 15 years with this person. We had children together. I tried SO hard. What a waste! So not fair! It takes a while to process and grieve, as it should. The stigma attached to being divorced sucks--most of my friends aren't, and I am that one who failed. But--my spouse stopped being married to me in the way that he should have at some point. The reality of it finally became more important than the idea of it. I did not deserve it. You cannot get blood from a stone (or whatever they say :-) Would even a halfway solution, like physically living with a friend or going somewhere or separating temporarily help you process this and figure out what you are going to do? 

Peace. 

Really? Are you kidding me?

I wanted to try and calm down before reading this...so many thoughts are going through my mind right now I don't even know where to start.

First, I think this is 100% about control. Maybe you know (feel) something I don't, but I truly feel that he is saying things SIMPLY TO HURT YOU and truth of the matter is, he doesn't mean any of it, he is just doing it to gain some kind of control over something in his life since everything feels so 'out of control' for him. He is hyperfocused on the 'exercise/health' thing and I think there is more to this than meets the eye and this is at the heart of what is going on with him. Just like in the past as you described, it will probably pass too and then he'll be back to square one. He is feeling like SH!T about himself and wants to drag you into his misery with him!!! That is what this all SCREAMS to me. My God if I had a dime for everytime I've lived this and fallen for it...don't do it!! He doesn't love HIMSELF and he is probably disgusted with HIMSELF...this has nothing to do with you.

There are times in my marriage, when I would put myself out there, offer everything I thought he could possibly want on a silver platter, only to have it used against me like this...like he is doing you. I said it here not too long ago, the harder I TRY and be all that I thought he wanted, the worse he would end up treating me. One would stand to reason that if a marriage/friendship/relationship was in trouble and one person goes to the other with 'solutions' and 'compromise' and offers to 'tell me what I can do to make things better' that they would be met with compassion and appreciation and reciprocation. He's not there. He's wallowing in some pity pool, somewhere on the dark side of ADHD or some other untreated disorder, and isn't willing to hear you...just willing to take advantage of your willing heart and sees it as an opportunity to say "hey, she really is what is wrong in my life, she even admits it, so I'm just going to go with it and pull out the big guns!!" Again, been there, done that...and it is DEVASTATING.

I will tell you the key thing I read that leads me to believe he is full of complete an utter crap....when you say you're done, you want a divorce....then the back peddling starts. Oh, it is subtle..."yes, I'll use the KIDS to make her stay with me" because inside he's panicked that he just dug himself a HUGE HOLE that the only way out of is by admitting he's full of crap and admit that he is so completely out of control himself that he's merely trying to drag you down with him to make himself feel better. The kids!! Yes, let's bring the kids into it...as you said, he KNOWS that is your weakness, and don't think that it wasn't 100% about manipulating the situation to 'have his cake and eat it too'. Right now, all he NEEDS is a roommate. He wants you to think it is somehow your fault. You're giving him the perfect opportunity to do that...so he took it. You poured your heart out to him, and he made you regret it. When his mouth wrote a check that his a$$ isn't willing to cash, he then pulled out the "we need to stay together for the kids" card.

What I feel you should do, at this point, is nothing. I would carry on with my life as if he doesn't exsist. I would carry around the Co-Dependency book 24/7 and make HIS problems HIS and work on YOU and not letting his out of control ADHD effect you. I WOULD seek the help of a counselor and go for YOU, if for nothing else, to try and help you sort through everything in the coming weeks as YOU gain control of your life again...and then YOU decide whether YOU want to be married or not. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to stop letting the future be 100% his choice/decision. For now, take some steps back, let him go about his merry way to the gym, let him sleep in his car in the driveway or on the couch or wherever he chooses. Detach yourself from him and focus on YOU and figure out what you want. I would bet my LIFE that if you stop going at him trying to fix him, trying to offer yourself, your love, your solutions and just focus on you and the kids that he would have a complete change of attitude. He sees himself as completely in control right now...and he is...or more specifically, his ADHD is.

Find a reason, everyday, to just smile. Step back from all of this and just find you again. Get your support lined up, just incase, but for now just drop the issue until you're strong enough to make a decision for yourself. If he asks just tell him "I'm working on ME right now" I honestly would refuse to discuss anything about the marriage right now unless he was willing to go to counseling and admit what he's doing. You've done so much, you've given and given and put yourself out there enough. Time to let him simmer in the juices of the stew he's put himself in.

....sorry to sound so angry....it really does frustrate me to read this. I am so angry at this part of ADHD...it is infuriating.  I truly believe you have a lot more power in this situation than you know...you're just too beaten down and emotionally crushed to realize it. I do not believe what he's saying...I bet he doesn't either. He was getting a 'fix' of some sort...unfortunately it came at your expense. (((HUGS)))

Oh SherriW I don't know what

Oh SherriW I don't know what to think anymore.

After all of the drama yesterday, he decided to change the PIN # to our online savings account and not let me.  Nice, right?  I don't know if that is ADD or not.  Then I wanted to tell the kids what was happening (they can sense something is happening already) - no he didn't want to do that.

DH: How about if we talk about what to say to them? How about if we talk about what we are going to do first?

Me: Fine. Lets go.

DH: I just need to finish this first (he was on the laptop)

Me: No, now.

DH: (looking irritated) let me shut down first.

Me: Fine. I go to let the dog out.  DH comes into the living room with coffee and sits down, our daughter is in the room.  I say: thought we were going to talk?

DH: fine lets go upstair to our room.

We decided to set some ground rules: things will stay as is (me running the house/finances/kids and everything else him goes to work; since I have done a pretty good job so far with it - according to him) I requested him to move out of my bedroom - he agreed.  He said that he doesn't intend to date anyone; but that he feels it would be inappropriate to bring someone else home. And that he wants us to be civil to each other.  

So far I have accepted these terms.  I do feel very trapped right now. I need to drop the emotions of off this sh!t and get my head on straight.

I agree that he is super focused on the health thing/gym.  So here's a funny for us all to chuckle at: we went to the gym together last week I did my 45 min workout met up with him at the end asked how he work out was - fine. I read the newspaper and shot a few baskets.  Seriously!  Apparently Im the only one that needs to workout and he needs to be up to date on all of the national news.  Whatever.

So here is the weird part: he doesn't want to tell anyone about our "separation". Well, I broke down while on the phone with my mom and told her what was happening.  She said basically the same thing as you did.  That its all a control issue.

While reading your post I just kept shaking my head yes, yes, yes.  I feel that I have been run over, jumped on and dumped off a cliff.  I can't believe that he is doing this to me. I have never felt such anger and pain before. As I said to my mom: Its the my dream that has been crushed that I am in mourning over. DH hasn't been here for a long, long time. 

Dh also refuses to address his depression and feels that his ADD is in control - he has no issues other than he isn't attracted to me.

So I am going to replace my ADD books (which I threw in the trash can last night) with co dependency books and learn how to detach myself from DH.  Again your words of wisdom are so on point!  I thought I was doing the right thing wanting to get us back to where we had been, being honest and forth right - fat lot of good it did me! I will NEVER trust DH again!

I am so angry with myself. I feel like a fool. I feel like I have let myself down and my kids.  This sucks!

Please SherriW keep posting your words of advice =they are so helpful.

smart

Sherri, I love your posts and think you are so strong and smart. Wow. 

Just an anecdote that you helped me figure out. Thank you! STBX with ADHD and I had a horrible phone call a few days ago. We are separated, the kids are largely with me, and he cannot figure out or plan a visitation schedule. I will ask, pull out the calendar, try to plan, and he just can't (He says, quote, "I can't do that right now!") OK. So I have them, cook, clean, plan, everything, take them to school, every moment, and when they go see him, I pack them bags, food, games, whatever, and he does not have to worry about anything. Soooo enabling him (but I am worried about my children, so it is for them, too). 

Conversation was that I am a horrible person who is taking his children away from him and keeping him from seeing them! Because we had one text about when I would pick them up and I said an hour earlier than I remembered. And he had to spend New Year's Eve alone! Alone! Watching fireworks alone in his slippers! The threats! The screaming! He was calling a lawyer right then! He was coming over right then to make a huge scene! Totally scared me and freaked me out. I kept trying to be sooo nice, and explain that I wasn't keeping them away, that I had been soo nice and helpful and just wanted a schedule and how could he treat me this way! He then insisted on taking them for a three day holiday we had, the entire time. Insisted, or he would call a lawyer. Screaming. 

OK, I said, we need to think about this. I'll talk to you when you calm down. Hung up. 

The next day, the backpedaling. The "oh, well, they have a sick kid in their class and I don't want to get sick," started. He didn't really want them for three days. He didn't want to call a lawyer. He didn't want to come and make a scene. His life is crappy now and I left and he is alone and even though I am not trying to work out a marriage any longer, I am trying to work out a relationship to co-parent and be civil. And you are right. He was full of it and pissed that his life is so awful and he is alone and he has no control over this situation. And all I did was be sweeter and nicer (did his grocery shopping to help him out last week) and it made it worse, for some reason. It is taking a while to finally process the "he may not mean what he is saying" thing because I don't do that and it is not second nature to remember that someone else might. And I am still being co-dependent, lol. (I can't tell you how many times he said he wanted a divorce when he was mad and then seemed stunned when I "cashed his check" finally--I thought--you said you wanted this 800 times!). 

Anyway, hope you have a great day. I appreciate hearing your story. 

ebb and flow's picture

lonelywife

What if he was trying to say, in a very ADHD forward way, that he thinks you guys need to "get healthy" together... Kinda like, starting fresh.

Man... What if he was on board and was just not wording it correctly? And then your reaction to 'just end it all' proves to him that YOU don't really want it?! He knows you don't want to hurt the kids but do you really still love him? I don't think he feels that from you...

It seems he was going along with what you were saying for the most part. Then you asked him what he thought. He told you but you jumped all over his answer! You never really let him get it out properly. (I wouldn't either, trust me!) ;p

Maybe, you can ask him to clarify what he means by, "I'm not attracted to you"... I know its blunt and painful as all hell to hear but what if he wanted to go somewhere with that??? Like, a lot of times when my partner is angry or nasty I am not attracted to him AT ALL. As a matter of fact I'm full out repulsed and couldn't even think of him touching me ever again! YUCK! But, when things are good... he's the HOTTEST MAN I've ever known!!! LOL You know?

I know this is a stretch... but it always seems that's how it is in the world of ADD-- a stretch to try and figure them out!!!

Maybe he was going somewhere with that and you jumped on him before he could fully explain... (ie- maybe he wants you guys to spend time getting healthy together as a way to get back to the start/ spend 'healthy' time together....)

I only say because then he was throwing out all these reasons you SHOULDN'T leave RIGHT NOW.... ie- the market, the kids....so on. Why would he if he's ULTIMATELY not attracted to you, or in love with you?

Just a thought.

thanks for your reply ebb and

thanks for your reply ebb and flow.  I see the point that you are trying to make. However, I have worked my a$$ to change and offer him as much support, love, space and understanding that one person could.  I have protected him and his behaviors, I have explained away his comments I have loved him not matter what he did or said - unconditionally! I have devoured books and on line resources,attended counseling sessions all in the effort to save our marriage because I love him.  I would tell him that I love him - no reply from him.  I would do loving things for him, I was his biggest cheerleader rooting him on. Giving him verbal and physical actions of how proud I was of the things and progress he was making.  I took responsibility for my part of the demise of our marriage. I worked to rid myself of the negative habits I had - he knows that.  I worked harder on myself, learned more about ADD than I ever imagined - all because I love him and our family and that I believe marriage is forever. 

I supported him after he decided to dump his meds and counseling and all of the hard work we had achieved. 

So the meeting was to continue to work on getting our marriage back on track - something that he orginally agreed he wanted to.  I offered a number of items that I needed to work on to help improve our communication, I agreed to the works at the gym, I agreed!  When I asked him what he thought and what he wanted to offer as items to work on he became defensive.  He blamed the kids for ruining our marriage, then he blamed me for ruinning our marriage, then he bounced to outside of getting healthy at the gym everything is good.  WTF?!  At this point when I asked him to clarify he bacame agitated and claimed that he needed to get out of the restuarant immediately. Ok fine, this was something that he hard previously noted as a irriatant to him with restaurants so being sensative to his needs I agreed and immediately left with him.

Once in the car I asked him to clarify since he had stated so many contridications within the 5 secs that I was confused. That is went he decided that he wasn't attracted to me.  

Ebb and Flow, if this is how DH is going to show that he loves me I don't want it.  I have done all the work that I can - I can't and won't beg anyone to love me. He wants to control me and live his life without interupption.  I don't feel that: Im not attracted to you" needs any clarification.

He said it, it is what it is.  He refuses to believe that he needs further help with his ADD, he refuses to get help for his depression - then there is no hope.  That breaks my boundaries.  I am tired of being taken for granted, being used and verbally abused all because DH has ADD!

So no, I don't believe that he meant anything other than"Im not attracted to you". And that is fine. Yes, it hurts like Hell - but I will get over it.  I love myself way more than him - I will rise above this in time.

As far as a "fresh start" - I have been going to the gym almost daily since we signed up 2 weeks ago - we have gone together but he goes off on his own so I go and do my workout. He chooses to read the newspaper rather than work out - is that "getting healthy"?  While Im on the ellipitcal sweating my a$$ off.  So is it really about getting healthy?  He has been down this road so many times - gym memberships that just go to waste, exercise equipment that gathers dust.  But as soon as its something new and exciting then it has his attention once again! And gee he's now interested in doing a class together for 125 per person at the gym - REALLY? What planet is he living on? He knows that the monthly membership alone is a strech but that because it was so important to him and his ADD we are making it work.   

Sorry for my rant, I really do appreciate your opinon but honestly, hearing that this mess is my fault just puts me over the edge. Where is his responsiblity? It was his idea to met on Sat night planned it on Thurs night - so plenty of time to get our information put together and organized. Its not as though this meeting was a surprise. Every person has a final breaking point - Dh found mine. If there was something that he needs to clairfy then its ALL ON HIM to come to me. I am done reaching out and bending over backwards to accomodate his ADD - esp when he is not working to help himself.

Snip,Snip ... the sounds of me cutting the cord.

 

ebb and flow's picture

I was just suggesting that

I was just suggesting that there may be another meaning behind him saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore" because a lot of times with ADDers what they say is not necessarily what they mean... Especially when they are feeling uncomfortable (ie- wanting to leave the restaurant and/or having a serious discussion about the marriage).

You know your partner better than I do, obviously, so I'm sorry looking at it from the angle I was suggesting was wrong. It was just a stab...

"Sorry for my rant, I really do appreciate your opinon but honestly, hearing that this mess is my fault just puts me over the edge"

I just want to clarify that I didn't say that it was your fault... so, I hope you weren't directing this my way... Maybe you mean your DH blames you?

I'm with ya when you say you feel frustrated and like you can't do it anymore. I know the feeling very well! 

I wish, for your sake, this was going a little bit smoother and in a more positive direction of understanding and repair. Sounds like you're at your wits end now, though.

:((

If you've decided on leaving then I wish you the strength and courage to continue on that path without any doubt! 

Stay strong!!!

 

 

Thank you for clarifying your

Thank you for clarifying your statement and for the best wishes. 
Honestly, I do not know if it is the ADD or what that DH is dealing with.  All I know is that IF he didn't mean what he said, then it has to be up to him to come forward.  I really do feel that is what he meant - but that it is also a form of control that he is trying to use on me.

Anyway that I look at right now it doesn't seem to be a reasonable explaination for his behavior.

He is very happy to move out of my bedroom. He doesn't seem to mind that Im around -not that he talks to me. His outbursts have lessened - but are still there just under the surface.

Again the real deal breaker for me (and DH knows this) is that if he isn't actively working to control his ADD then I can't accept how he acts, ect. The walking on eggshells is just not any way to live  . And since he believes that his ADD is in control and that he doesn't need any meds for his depression/mood issues, then I have to make a decision.

So moving forward (again) to figure my next step as I plow through this bog of misery and still not understanding what I did wrong to be treated so bad!

Thanks again for your insight.

 

 

a little more

lonelywife, bear with me, a little more, if you are willing..

Please don't obsess on "what you did wrong" to deserve being treated badly. The possibility exists that his behavior is not a response to you specifically but a response to himself and there is no "deserve" in this equation. It is bewildering, and painful, and you can have every single ounce of your energy, self-esteem, and happiness sucked away by trying the same things and hoping for a different result each time. I did, and it was more crushing every single episode. I was a shell, a complete shell. I would go to work shaking, and unable to focus, and feel completely shut down for days and weeks just to deal with it. It took over my life. I would sit in my car, waiting to go in the house, wondering how to be so that I could deal with whatever mood or situation he was in at the moment. 

BTW, do you know why your DH stopped taking his meds? Rhetorically, why do people with ADHD (or depression, or bi-polar disorder, or anything) do that, you know? People with diabetes, or high blood pressure, don't usually stop taking meds if it is helping--so why? My own STBX did it once, just out of the blue and never could explain to me other than he needed a break from them (side effect was that he couldn't get out of bed for five days). Hey, I am doing it right now--obsessing on his choice and still trying to figure him out, lol. 

 Hang in there.

What if....

I like the approach that Ebb and Flo is taking. What if you husband just isn't getting his point across? I was on a (different) internet support group through the whole long breakup of my marriage. Something we (the women on that forum) discovered is that our husbands were originally attracted to us because we were strong and independent. Then they spent years breaking down that strength and independence, and now were no longer attracted to us. That was our theory at the time, and, since my divorce it's proven to be true. I've (slowly and painfully) come back closer to who I really am, and my ex is falling all over himself, attracted to me again. I don't know if it's possible to make these changes while still married...he will suck you dry of any strength you manage to gain. But I wonder now if it's the bending over backwards and mothering that drives them away. Yes, I know, they NEED a mother (or a keeper), but maybe they don't want to be married to one. I don't know what the answer is.

I am dating my ex again (the love is still there, on both sides) But this time, I'm not intertwining my life or finances with him to the point where he can drag me down. His problems are HIS problems, and I back off and let him have his problems. To my amazement, he's dealing with them himself. That's the most maddening thing; all those years of dumping them on me when he was always capable of handling his own problems.

I think I know where you're

I think I know where you're going with this...and I often feel the same way. It is hard to explain without  making it sound like a 'game', but I really get this...

My counselor even said it...and I hate that I forget how she so eloquently put it. Basically, the 'weaker' we are, the more they come unraveled. The more we try to 'fix' what we see falling apart before our eyes (i.e. THEM) the worse it makes them. Is it a matter of just not taking things personally and staying strong in the face of adversity? How does one do this when they're being completely inattentive and ignoring the elephant in the room that is the marriage going down the drain? How do you just say "oh well, he'll get over it?" OR is one caused by the other? Do we see behaviors that we desperately want to 'fix' (overspending, anger, etc) and our attempts to fix them start the cycle of them unraveling and us trying to spackle the holes in the marriage while they keep poking more at the speed of light? Do we get caught up in the ADHD web and start to transform into the 'mother' role and THAT is what causes the ADHD to get worse and them to become less 'attracted' to us? Sure, I think a little of all of the above.

I can tell you this...I know that the more I tried to fix things during a few times in our marriage when his ADHD was completely out of control (i.e. he was visiting "the dark side"), the worse both of our lives became and the further from me he grew. I was very close with a lady who was my son's speech therapist during one of his episodes. (2001) I cried, I begged, I fussed and yelled and I tried so desperately to give him the space he said he needed...all the while telling me he loved me and didn't want a divorce. I had gotten to the point that I could not function. I was literally at his mercy and it wasn't pretty. I was talking to this lady after therapy one day and she asked me "why do you let this effect YOU in this way?" I mean such a simple question had SOOOO much sting. Why did it? He left for CA on business two days before 9/11. He came home 'needing space'. The whole situation..being terrified to fly in the first place, 9/11, having to fly home 10 days after 9/11, and staying with a very DYSFUNCTIONAL family while in CA...triggered his ADHD and he came home a different person. I  let it effect me because I took it personally. I didn't trust in what we had BEFORE he left, all I could believe in was what I was living then..after he got home. Anyway, it snapped something inside of me and all of the sudden it dawned on me that she was right. Why was I letting him do that to me. Would you beleive that I came home that day with a completely different attitude about the entire situation..so much so that I had just pulled in the driveway and he was asking "what's going on? Everything OK?" he didn't give a darn about my feelings before I left...why now? Because he KNEW. Within DAYS he was back to 'normal'. This had gone on for WEEKS. Sigh. All I did differently? Smile. Laugh. Be happy. Be in a good mood in spite of him.

When he 'went there' last Fall, it was much more subtle, but when I finally realized what was going on, it was only a matter of 2-3 weeks and I asked him to leave. It wasn't something I could just 'ignore' or 'carry on with my life as if nothing was wrong'...it was much more serious. This time he was staying gone from the house all.the.time.

Anyway, my point is that I do think we become 'less attractive' to them when we are groveling and begging and crying. There were times in my marriage when I felt nothing but raw disappointment when I looked at my husband...so to say I "wasn't attracted" to him would be an understatement. But I always loved him. I didn't like who he was, how he was acting, how he was treating his family, but I did love him.

So, one of the harsh realities of ADHD is that yes, we can (and do) make our husband's 'less attracted' to us when we become less independent, weaker, and 'needy' of their reassurances. I would bet quite a bit of money on the fact that the majority of us spouses would describe ourselves as independent and strong women/men when we met our spouses....then the reality of ADHD kicked in and knocked most of us to our knees. Then...YAY! (NOT) we become 'not the person I married' , 'mother', 'nag', 'control freak', etc. I am convinced the key to a successful relationship is AT LEAST 50% about us picking ourselves up and getting back to 'that woman' that we used to know and love...and that they used to know and love. Yes, the ADHD has nearly destroyed her, but we let it, sadly.

I will never let him drag me down with him again. I will never roll over and take his ADHD punches again. I will support him, love him, accept him, and be here for him through everything...but never as his punching bag again. I think this is why getting counseling for US (non-ADHDers) is so vital. We have to break the co-dependency bonds...and I TRULY think everyone (even our ADHD spouses) will benefit tremendously.

*please Lord, let me remember this the next time his ADHD tries to grab me by the throat. :-) LOVING my Co-Dependent No More Audiobook..AND Melissa's book, finally got it....definitely helping a LOT.

Sherri - Exactly!

Yes, Sherri; that's just what I meant. They are attracted to us because we are strong and capable, then tear us down (or as one person put it "suck us dry"). I often wondered if he was jealous of my strength...he needed me to be strong, but resented it. Over the years I let myself become emotionally dependent on him, even though I couldn't lean on him without both of us falling over! I became that "groveling, begging, crying" person (he saw it as 'controlling').  I couldn't figure out how to fix myself; it was all I could do to stay afloat while he was constantly poking holes in the marriage boat. It's so great that you could fix yourself and stay married; it's what I would have preferred (we had no money or health insurance, so counseling was out). I had to get away from him to 'find' myself again. Co-Dependent No More became my Bible and constant companion for quite a while!

ebb and flow's picture

This is very

This is very interesting...

In the beginning my partner was so clingy I remember a trip we took to visit my bro, with the rest of my family, and while there he (my partner) was a leech! My sis even commented "is this how he normally is, because he's super clingy!". It dawned on me that yes, he was this clingy, kind of annoying person. Always needing me to be there for him.... Really desperate for my love and attention. Kind of insecure and unsure of himself all the time. ( I didn't love it...)

I was strong, calm, peaceful and full of happiness and spark. (skinnier too!) 

When we would fight he would literally *beg* me not to leave his place, blocking the door even! so that I wouldn't leave upset.

Now...

I am broken. Weak. Sad. Begging him to just look at me while I tell him something about my day. We eat alone. Go to bed alone. Go out separately. When we fight he doesn't mind retreating into the office where he can just be alone. (I'm 15 lbs fatter, sadly) :/

It's soo the reverse now!!!

Wow. I never really thought about this deeply....

Hmmm.....

Ebb and Flow

That could be the story of MY marriage, too. Clingy....OMG everyone always asked me why my husband was always hanging on me.  Usually, when a guy hugs you, you feel safe and 'uplifted'; when my husband hugged me, he'd put his arms around my shoulders and lean on me until my knees buckled (he's 6'4, 290 pounds). It was a real metaphor of everything that was wrong with our relationship...my job was to prop him up, regardless of how hard it was on me.

My husband is like this too

I've spent a lot of time in the last few weeks with my daughter, watching playoff games and the Super Bowl at her house. (We were born and raised in Pittsburgh, although we don't live there now.) He always has to go to his mother's house, it's like he can't stand to be alone. Since he spends all his working life interacting with people, you'd think he'd like being alone sometimes, but not him.

ebb and flow's picture

Lynn

My partner does this too!!!! I can't believe the weird similarities!!! I've never known anyone to do this before...

He puts all his weight on me when we hug... almost like it's tiring to even BE hugging me!

So strange but yes, great metaphor for what was to come!!!

Interesting....

I think it makes it

I think it makes it worse...the way they act as if their mere ability to breathe depends on us being by their sides (in the beginning) and then the switcheroo happens and we're doubly hurt. Hurt because they aren't attentive anymore and hurt because we got used to being the center of attention. I had never had his kind of attention in my life so I ate it up.

There was a time when he was inattentive and didn't seem to have much interest in me (spending time with me, sex, etc)..just his computer...right after we got married. Within just a year or so things turned around, he started spending time with me and we had a decent marriage. The times that are 'bad' for us are in stark contrast to what the rest of the time is like, so they hit like a ton of bricks and leave me grieving 'what was.' I have not dealt with the inattentiveness on a regular basis...only during the first year or so of our marriage and then during a few times when his ADHD (didn't know then) was out of control. There were always triggers. I keep reading about triggers and I feel it is really worth looking in to.

I wish I could take the credit for turning my life around...I wish I could say that I worked hard to get 'me' back. I did work hard, I am working hard, but honestly when my Daddy died it was just 'the end' for the life I had. I said within minutes after he died that nothing would ever be the same again....and little did I know how true that would be. I spent some time alone with him before he died, as his vital signs steadily dropped over the course of that cold Saturday afternoon...I knew he always worried so much about me...my kids...my marriage. When I told him that he could go on to Heaven with the peace of mind that my life would not be miserable anymore, I meant it. When he died, my anger died. When he died, my strong desire to always be right died. When he died, my marriage died. I had no fight left in me. I WILL NEVER go back to that life. If it means being alone, so be it. It is horrible that it took  my Daddy dying for me to see how short life is and how tragic it is to spend it fighting with those we love. HORRIBLE. Anyway, change doesn't come easy...but it is possible...when the limit is reached and enough is enough.

Sherri

I'm glad you found peace, even though it was through your father's death. My mother died just a year ago. She was sick on and off for a year before that. I'd stop by her house several times a day and I'd get medic alert calls all hours of the day and night that she'd called the paramedics. I got to know the ER staff and hospital procedures intimately that year. She finally went into in-home hospice and my sister moved in to care for her for a couple of months until she died. I am executrix of her estate, so I had to clean out and sell her house (emotional experience).

Once that was over, I sort of collapsed. I'd gotten a lot stronger since my divorce, but I realized that I'd spent a good part of my life worrying about/taking care of others. First my husband, then kids, then my mother. My kids are teenagers now, my ex is no longer my problem, and my mother is gone. It's like a huge burden is off of me. I feel like a sponge that was squished flat and I'm just starting to expand again. I can breathe. I can think about me. But I also have a "who do I want to be when I grow up?" attitude. At 55, you'd think I would have figured that out!

ebb and flow's picture

sherri

I'm currently seeing a very slow change in the inattentiveness myself.

So, the first year and a half it was clingy. Then it stopped pretty abruptly and he went into unemotional, inattentive, alone, withdrawn weird mode. Now it's kinda coming back around again but I'm not sure because its off and on week by week. He's attentive sometimes, and then not at all...

What are these 'triggers' you talk about?

And also I've seen you mention "the dark days/mood" or something like that. What do you mean by that?

I need to get the

I need to get the Co-Dependent No More book.  No matter what happens with the status of my marriage I will not be co-dependent with anyone.

Yes, you do. I have the audio

Yes, you do. I have the audio book and listen over and over. Chapters 6 and 7..I swore she was in my home studying me when she wrote them!! Wow! This is one area I need some major focus on. I feel it could only benefit ANY marriage, so I think you should RUN and get it.

How are things? I think about you often and am praying for strength for you. How are the kids? Do they know?

(((HUGS)))

ebb and flow's picture

Good book suggestions for the non-ADDer

Just ordered it now on Amazon!!! 

Any other books that are not about ADD but rather about how we can manage our reactions and repair ourselves????

I've already got The Dance of Anger and it helped a lot!!!!

I have The Dance of Anger as

I have The Dance of Anger as well...audiobook. :) I loved it too. I am so happy to have let go of my anger in my marriage, but there is another relationship where there is a lot of anger on my part...and a lot of need to forgive...and I cannot manage to let go of the anger OR forgive. I need to...for me.

ebb and flow's picture

lonely

I wanna get that too! It seems good to learn about no matter what relationship you're in...

It would be a good book to add to my "tool box" so to speak! ;)

Yes, SherriW13 and Lynnw, I

Yes, SherriW13 and Lynnw, I totally agree with both of you.  I have experienced the same issues in my marriage, too.  I believe you have hit the nail on the head, which explains alot about our relationships.

I applaud you Lynnw!  You

I applaud you Lynnw!  You found your way through all the pain and confusion to make a better life for yourself. 

I understand what you and Ebb and Flow are saying about the whole attracted thing - and yes, I think there is a point there.  I am not the same person that I was when we where first together - I was independent and strong.  There are many other things that I was 25 years ago that I am not today.  Its all part of that getting "Me" back and taking care of me at this point.

I am happy that you and your DH have made your way back to each other and you are being so brilliant to keep your life and finances separate - you have made it through the ADD maze!

I hope you have a long and happy and healthy relationship free of all the chaos of ADD.

((HUGS)) 

Thanks Lonelywife

I literally had to 'hit bottom' in my marriage before I could get out of my paralysis long enough to do something. It had to get to the point where I was fighting for survival...I didn't even care any more about the house or money...just let me out alive! I DID get the house (farm, actually, which I love), but I had to refi and give him more than half the value to pay off his enormous debts, so I'll be paying off the mortgage until I'm 80. Fortunately, I had my mother to help me financially (I only had to listen to "I told you so" in return).

My ex, while much better, is still very much ADD. I hope he's worked through the worst of the 'mid-life crisis' that set him off. He has his moments, some that tick me off (like walking around with his Bluetooth in his ear and answering his cell phone while I'm talking to him...suddenly, without an 'excuse me', he's in a different conversation with someone who isn't there and I'm left confused). I really like just seeing him on weekends; I don't have to deal with the annoying things of his daily life.

Valentine's Day is coming up; will he go overboard or will he ignore it? Ya never know. I've gotten him a little something I know he will like. What he chooses to do is up to him...if he 'forgets' I won't let it get to me (sad to say, I'm used to it), but it will go down as a sign that he still doesn't 'get it'. There have been a few of these signs, but so far not too many. We've only been 'dating' for 6 months, after 4 1/2 years apart. I dread what will happen when I'm no longer the 'new toy'. I know how bad it can get, which is why I'm not letting him worm his way too deeply into my new life.

It just amazes me how

It just amazes me how successfully he's managed his life and his emotions (from what I am reading) since he now HAS to. The cruelest part of this is that they won't do it until absolutely being MADE to do it, and how does one do this while being married to them? I, too, applaud you. You've managed to restore peace in your life, rebuild what was nearly destroyed, and force him into taking care of himself. You've truly overcome what many can't...or don't have the courage.

I love your attitude...sorta like "don't fix what isn't broken"...keep your life, let him have/manage his, and see him on the weekends. If that is what it takes to have a successful life and relationship with him, then it sounds perfect! :) I do hope he surprises you for Valentine's Day...but seems as though you'll be OK if he doesn't. ;-)

I often wonder

I'm not sure he's handled his emotions well. He moved from here into a rented room in someone's house. He's still there 5+ years later. It's an older woman who fits the 'mommy' role and dotes on him; cooks, cleans, does laundry. He has no social life there; he goes to work early and stays late. Work is his life during the week; it's like he's emotionally on 'hold' all week. He's come here most weekends to see the kids, if he isn't working, ever since he left (we stayed friends; even through the worse, although somewhat cool toward each other at times). He still calls this 'home', and gives out MY phone number as his 'home phone' (WTF? he lives 250 miles away! I feel like his secretary "I'm sorry, he isn't here. Can I take a message?"). Ya think he's had some trouble detaching and moving on? Sometimes I admire that he's willing to drive 250 miles each way every weekend to be here, but sometimes I see it as desperation for human 'connection'. I wouldn't do it, but I also would never have left my kids.

I often wonder if I enabled him. He's SO capable...he manages a large department with a lot of people, and organizes work crews in several states. Sheesh. When we were married, he couldn't be trusted to organize getting the kids off to school. It's almost worse to find out that he CAN do it. I feel cheated that he never made that effort with me. All the work and responsibility was dumped on me, then I was left to raise his children alone. I still have a lot of resentment to work through, and a lot of trust issues. I'm not sure I should ever get over the trust issues; "trust but verify" with him! The weekend thing is working well for me; that's about as much 'man' (ADD or not) as I want in my life right now!

Great conversation!

Wow everyone - loved the conversation back and forth!  I am always so amazed at how much we are able to learn and support each on this forum - thank God we have this format!

After reading and re reading the posts I do understand what each of you are meaning by what does DH mean by not attracted to you.  I do not have the answer to that. But I agree that it is possible that by me offering every last possible change for the better, positive reinforcement, refusing to be sucked into his negativity and giving him unconditional love and praise that he could see me as being weak and needy which = unattractive.  Here's my problem though, all was doing was what I have learned from research, the message boards, the ADD books, and our counselor. So I agree that it would be possible to view those "gifts" as a get a life of your own lady way - I was really wanting to improve our communication and marriage. So again, the ADD takes a swipe and scores. ADD 1 million, wife zero!

I am suspicous that DH is suffering from something in addition to ADD.  I don't have proof, I can barely explain why I think this, but its a gut feeling. 

The problem is that DH has convinced himself that he feels great off of meds and will never go back, that his ADD is completely in control and basically there is nothing wrong with him. DH has richoted like ping pong ball between, going to counseling and feeling good about it, to not wanting/needing counseling anymore, to a deep depression, to increased sleeping, to irritable and down right mean state (always verbal abuse and unfortunately once, physical abuse, to not sleeping more than 4 hours a night for weeks on end, to getting more regulated sleep, to wanting to work on our marriage and being so positive that good things are on the horizon for us, taking a couples vacation, joining a country club together, working out at the gym together, to what does he have to be happy about in his life, to wanting to work on our marriage (again) to calling it quits to the marriage but not to a family lifestyle, and now ignoring me, taking some of the meds when he wants to and not for others (sleeping pills and dextroamphetmaine) drinking to the point of excess, over eating/junk food to eating only bags of frozen vegs for all 3 meals everyday, showing no emotion of any kind, and playing up the father role like he has never before. And add the hyper focus of the health club to the mix, his inattention to me, lack of support to me, the list goes on and on.  All of this behavior has occurred since he took himself off of all of his meds in mid Dec 2010 - repeating most of the behaviors in the last 2 weeks. Prior to that we were gaining real progress.  

So the issue really is no longer what he meant by his statement, its what happens next with him.  For me I need him to accept additional testing to see if there is an underlying factor (it is common for  ADD to be accompanied by other mood disorders) and only if needed (if there is no other option to control whatever else maybe at play) to take the medication to deal with the new issue.  At this point, I know that he will not accept those ground rules.  And I can't accept him not working on his mental health.  Things will not improve without proper care of these issues - that's a fact.  And I do not care to jump back on the bus to Chaotic-ville knowing that he isn't willing to do the work.

So ladies, after all of your conversations and support (thank you from the depths of my heart) I have found the strength to move forward.  I have made it through the entire day without a single tear - until tonight when I began writing.  The writing began as a list of things to accomplish tomorrow. Then it morphed into a cathartic writing.  I shed a few tears (not to many) but also gained perspective on what is important.

I have made an appointment with a counselor for myself. To try and help me find my way back to me. I am excited for this opportunity. I know I need the help, as I need support to deal with all of other issues on my plate my dad's new diagnosis of Alzh, my mom's stubborn staph infection, my DH, a new job and of course just the everyday life stresses that we all deal with. I give thanks to the Lord everyday for my kids, family and friends.  Time to focus on me.

I feel sad for my DH. I feel less anger and more empathy each day for him. I hope this is the beginning of the road to forgiveness.  Even through the pain that he is causing me; I see his pain and confusion and internal struggle to manage.  There are times that he seems to be doing well - I wish for him more and more progress. I wish that one day he will realize that I only wanted what was best for us because I love him.  I stayed because I love him. I gave him all that I had because I love him. I wish that one day, he is able to love himself this much.  I wish for him to feel internal peace, that which ADD has taken from him.

I don't know if I will file for divorce or not. I don't think I need to make that decision right now.  I feel that there are many, many issues in my future that I will need to deal with before I can make a final decision regarding a divorce. 

As for the kids, right now I feel that they are feeling things are not right with DH and I, but at the same time, DH temper seems to be under control (for the most part).  If they ask, I will be honest with them, but for right now I need to learn how to explain to them the right way, what is happening with DH and I. 

Thank you ladies again for sharing your wisdom, advice, humor and hugs. There so many days when those were the things that helped to keep me going :) You all R-O-C-K !

I feel that I have taken a step or two in the right direction for me. And all I can work on is me.

I often wonder by Lynnw

Wow, this really hit home with me.  Before we were married, my husband lived with his bosses' family and they took care of him, cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry, "mommy" role for sure.  At the time I never gave this scenerio a second thought.  We were young, in love, he had had an awful childhood and I just looked at it as a nice jesture from someone in his life.  Knowing what I know now, it would be a "red flag".  Guess what!!!  After we got married, looking back, I just picked up from there with the same "mommy" role without even realizing it.  OH BROTHER!!!   I know I enabled my husband.  He also was a manager for a large company and was in charge of organizing work crews in several states.  He did it well.  My husband abandoned most of the family and household responsibilites as well and I was left to deal with it on my own.  Resentment is an understatement.  I am not sure I will ever be able to work through mine.  Trust, I am sorry to say, is a thing of the past in my relationship.  Too much has happened for me to ever trust him again.

My situation was similar

My husband was 41 when we started dating, and I was 49. He only worked part-time and I assumed he was living with his mother because he did not make enough to pay rent at that time. I asked him "Have you ever lived on your own?" and he said yes. I later found out his idea of "living on your own" was that his mother had a job in another city, lived there during the week and came home on the weekends. The house was hers, and the mortgage was paid off. For a good many years, she had been retired and taking care of him. She told me she started having him cook their dinner as that was the only chore she could get him to do. I would have broken it off if I'd known these things. By the time I found out I was emotionally in too deep.

Maybe that explains why 2 months after we got married he got fired and didn't work regularly for the next 3 years. It was my job to take care of him.
 

Might be a pattern here...my

Might be a pattern here...my husband lived with his mom when I met him too..but he was only 24. He had been married and for a period of time when he was married, his mom lived with him and his ex-wife. I didn't see it as much of a problem, or red flag, because he was young and had only been divorced 18 months. I do think there is a big fear of living alone/being alone, but I don't think this means they aren't capable of doing for themselves AND helping around the house...they've just never been made. Granted, getting anything done is like pulling teeth from an alligator.

How funny .... my Dh lived

How funny .... my Dh lived with his parents when I met him also. I chalked it up to him being a college student but it really was that he just wanted someone (anyone) to talk care of those things that are not fun or interesting in life - which his mom did. And then he moved in with me and then we were married 4 months later.

And now I think that is why he doesn't want to divorce, because he'd be stuck dealings with things that he doesn't like to do (cleaning, fulltime child care, homework, bills, ect) ya know, grown up things. 

   

The same story for so many of

The same story for so many of us - it is scary. 

How are things going for you? I know you had a really great counseling session :)

Reading Codependent No More and loving it! Thanks for the recommend on that one!

Ten steps forward, five steps

Ten steps forward, five steps back?

It is a long, ugly story...but in a nutshell I have a strained relationship with my SD. She burned bridges and stabbed me in the chest enough (after I started making GENUINE and HONEST efforts to have a relationship with her after my Daddy died..remember, turning over a new leaf? Letting go of the anger?) that I washed my hands of her. I love him, and for HIM I am civil to her, but she has moved out (her DREAM..couldn't wait to turn 18 last year) and our lives are SOO MUCH more peaceful now...he will even admit it, on a good day. Anyway, part of my 'boundaries' are that I won't let him make me feel bad about myself anymore because I can't have a 'close' (hell, even "normal") relationship with her...for the most part, he has accepted this (or so I thought). There is a very long laundry list of people she has hurt and bridges she has burned...it isn't ME.

Took her to dinner yesterday for her birthday. I am always as civil as I can be and am constantly ignoring her jabs and attempts to start drama. (FOR HIM). She took an intentional jab at dinner throwing in the name of the place of employment of the woman my husband had an affair with during conversation. He denies that he feels she did it on purpose, and I accept why he would not want to think she would. I am sure it hurts. The last straw for she and I was over a year ago when she lied to me about having removed her (the woman my husband cheated with...she and SD became 'friends') from her FB friend's list...lying when she got caught saying she didn't know how to remove someone...then later admitting she just didn't consider it a "priority". When I confronted her about it, sobbing and heartbroken and feeling betrayed (I confided in her about SOOO MUCH), she told me I was ridiculous and was furious that I was upset about it.

She then proceeds to have a mini-meltdown on the way home because she was complaining about how expensive her auto insurance is and how broke she is and I asked about her saying she was making $900-$1000/paycheck back in Dec. She lied, said she didn't say it, and then got really upset and claimed she wouldn't have food if it weren't for her mother (who never paid a DIME of child support and rarely even got her birthday or Christmas presents in the SIX years we had custody of her).

Anyway..I offered to let her go through the cabinets and take food...she then claimed she had plenty..didn't need any. My husband told me "I told her I would take her to the grocery store when I got paid". Bottom line, this would cost us more than we could afford. I asked if we could discuss it..maybe get her a gift card to a local store and agree on a set price...not wanting her to starve, but knowing that she had just sat at dinner and bragged about all of the newest movies she's seen, all of the places she goes out to eat, and all of the fun stuff in her life...so it is most likely just her not managing her money and getting over her head with cell phones and cars she cannot afford....and taking a job in SALES making $5.25 hr. 95% HER doing. We are struggling SO bad...I would never deny her a meal...but I'll be honest, him taking her to the grocery store with our debit card really did scare me. Again, I asked "can we agree on a set amount and just get her a GC?"

In a nutshell, I suppose I insulted him by saying I was afraid he'd spend too much, or by saying I didn't want to take her myself, or God only knows what I said that set off the firestorm of a response I got, but boy I really got an earfull. After him telling me I needed to be the 'adult' (heard it for six long f***ing years, NO MORE..she is an adult TOO) and telling me to get out of his face that I make him sick (where is this coming from ? Who is this man?? :-( ) I lost it. I have no been that hurt and angry at him in a very, very long time. I GET that it hurts him for her to be how she is....but I am not spending another second taking the blame for her problems and living with his impossible expectations of me when it comes to her. He lashed out at me, my nephew (who we have helped with gift certficates to grocery stores before..and I ASKED him first!), and just went somewhere I wish he hadn't.

I'm not sure if this is a matter of him just having a moment of weakness because she is his daughter and he's overwhelmed with all of the sh!t she dumped on him yesterday (which I feel is 95% lies, but he doesn't...and I 'get' that) and my timing was just bad or what. Either way, for about 60 seconds we 'went there' today....and I am really sad to say it.

His reaction was very uncalled for...and he IMMEDIATELY leaped to her defense...like "I" am the enemy. I have never asked him to choose, never would...but I have insisted I get the respect I deserve as someone who did more for her than anyone else (HIMSELF included) EVER has...and got the ultimate screwing over in the end. I won't bow down to her or pretend that everything is perfect when it isn't. She still does hurtful things to him and our daughter...it is sometimes it is all I can do to be civil to her, but with a LOT of prayer and consideration for his feelings, I do manage. This is the thanks I get.

...and...as we were having

...and...as we were having dinner together, first time in weeks (remember his grand idea to sit down at dinner at 6 every evening? he's never home before 7, 8, or 9...)...our daughter said grace. We were commenting on the sweet things she had said and I told her that I had thought of her during church that morning and meant to tell her that when the preacher was talking about children who have a generous, caring spirit I thought of her. I told her that in spite of everything, she is a good kid and I am very proud of her. Mid-sentence she belches really loudly. '_'

I laughed...and started to continue with my sentence. He pipes in (he had been agreeing with me and saying sweet things to her as well) and said for me to just drop it, not to continue with the point...and proceeded to tell her how disgusting what she did was and he was FURIOUS. Just like that. Over a BURP???!!! I pointed out, which I'm sure was part of why he was ready to pounce when I went in the bedroom, that he does the EXACT same thing sometimes. He was already in the mood to fight and why he had to be so ugly, during such a great meal together, was just really painful and sad.

He has no sense of humor anymore, AT ALL. I hate what meds have done to him. I won't blame it all on the meds, but I do know that we don't laugh together anymore. My daughter and I do, but everything is completely serious with him all.the.time anymore. If we are having fun (like playing with my nephew's puppy last night), we are annoying him it seems. It has really started to dawn on me...he's being a lot more patient and kind again...but we have no 'fun' here anymore...not with him, anyway. :-(

I feel your hurt and

I feel your hurt and disappointment - I feel so deeply for you and what you are going through. You are a strong woman without question.

I don't understand how to gauge the mood of my DH anymore - he too used to be fun. Now I often feel that we are a bother. Like right now, the kids and I are in the living room havent' seen DH for the day (save 2 hours in the morning) and DH arrives up from the basement and walks past us to go and sit in the front room by himself! God it must suck to have only himself for company!

Keep your head up - you will prevail. You are strong and smart and loving.

He he he

God it must suck to have only himself for company!

*chuckles* Gotta have some modicum of a sense of humor, right?

 

Tee Hee Tee Hee

Yes - everyone needs to have laughter and fun in their lives :) Glad that you were able to find the humor in that; however, I do think that there is a bit of truth in that statement. After re-reading it I realize that he really doesn't have any friends - no one to talk with about topics outside of golf and work. Over the course of the years his one brother and my brother would hang out with him then he made our son his friend. Well his brother won't return a phone call, my brother at this point DH refuses to contact and well, DS is just irritated with DH but still gives DH the opportunity to be together and have fun - which has a success rate of about 40% lately. Now that is really sad.

45 and no one to really call a friend. And of course the one friend he had (me) he throws away like a worn out, broken down rug.  

That is so unfair

 

SherriW,  I don't know what is happening with your DH. I understand your stand on the SD - you are handling her and the situation the best that you can.  My question is why is your DH not standing up for you? It seems that your DH is scared of his own daughter at your expense! Also, why should you feel that you insulted him by asking him to give a gift certificate for food to SD? It seems a very reasonable approach. Actually, I thought that letting her go through the kitchen cupboards was more than generous - I think I would have packed the items for her.  Also, why is she so againist accepting the food that you offered? Has your DH stopped to think that his DD feels the food the he and his family eat aren't good enough for her - where does that entitlement come from? From having a full stomach - missing a meal or two would be GOOD for her attitude. 

Your DH was in the wrong. Sorry to be so blunt but honestly, I would have refused to give the debit card and handed them an empty grocery bag - foodshelf or your kitchen shelf her choice!

Is your SD ADD/ADHD? From what you posted the lies, the overspending, ect sound like some tell tale signs.  If so, is she being treated?  And if so, do you think that you DH feels guilty about her?

I guess the best I could say is that you have every right to refuse DH the debit card - the choice is hurt the entire family with taking SD shopping or giving SD a bag of food and a gc for $10 to get milk, eggs, bread and cheese (staples!) which the family can afford to do. Would your DH understand this comparision and then realize that his decision, while a loving offer, is not something that the family can afford? 

Also Sherri you need to stop blaming yourself for his reactions - you didn't do anything wrong. You spoke up for your family. You spoke up with concern and love. DH is the one that is wrong. He had no right to offer help without speaking with you first. Then on top of that to use demeaning words to try and force you into complying with what he wanted - is WRONG - but again, not your fault.  Words are just as (if not more) painful as any other form of abuse. 

I don't know what is happening with DH (or if this is a "normal" encounter with SD and DH and you) but DH has definetly given SD the priority over you and well, the rest of his family. He needs to stand up to SD and be a man not a mouse. (1) DH needs to address his bad behavior to you and make it right (as right as it can be anyway) (2) He needs to respect your boundaries about money and with the SD and begin to make amends to you and your family. (3) He needs to ask you what your family could afford to do to help SD. (4) He needs to let SD know that in no uncertain terms that she needs to be respectful to you and the rest of the family or there will be consequences from her bad behavior. (5) He needs to offer the help that you are able to afford (its not his or your fault the mess that SD is in and you shouldn't feel that you need to solve the problem for her either) to SD as a "take it or leave it" offer. Not negotiable. DH needs to let SD know that this was a joint decision - not blame it on you!  

I hope I wasn't to rough but I was so mad! when I read this that I could feel the intensity with which Im sure he spoke to you.

Sherri, you have come so far and are so wise, please I beg you not to let this take over all that you have done. I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave and "make everything better".  ((HUGS)) and prayers for you.

From about June of 2004 until

From about June of 2004 until I asked him to leave in Oct of 2009 our marriage SUCKED because we got custody of my SD. Please don't misunderstand...I don't blame HER...we just were in over our heads and dealt with NOTHING the right way. He wanted to be her best friend. He WAS scared for a very long time that she would want to leave and go back and live with her mother (who is a drug addict and I'm fairly certain borderline personality disorder)..and I don't think it was for any other reason than he just NEEDED her to WANT to be with him. He feared her rejection. He feared her feeling rejected by him. I over-compensated by micro-managing. She has always been extremely dishonest (in a way that I honestly have never experienced before) and that fact alone caused she and I to butt heads constantly because I never could trust her or anything she said...and when I did, I ended up regretting it. For years he didn't care if she was right or wrong, if it was me vs. her he ALWAYS took her side. In the end, during her last 6-9 months here, she got so completely out of control that he finally, after all those years, stepped in. I had asked her to leave her drama at the front door. She was coming home and going to the den and would spend the next hour on the phone cussing someone out, cussing about someone, I mean it was nothing but pure tension and drama. I finally told her enough and asked her to just stop doing it. She said something and I told her not to talk to me that way in my house. She said like it or not, it was her house too...and he went off on her. She was much more outwardly respectful after that, but moved out as soon as she graduated.

Our daughter we had together, who is now 12, paid the ultimate price. Her home life went from peaceful and loving to total chaos and hell. I still harbor a lot of resentment, I suppose. After we reconciled, he came to terms with things with SD, and even encouraged her to live in the dorms and move out. He knows how she is. He knows her faults. He knows deep down the problem isn't me. He is just very, very hurt by how SD has chosen to live her life and the person she has become (just like her mother...he says it all the time). This is yet another area (that I don't discuss much for fear of being judged) that I have done a lot of hard work and bent over backwards to see things from his eyes and even try and see her with God's forgiving eyes. I don't want to hurt him further by pointing out her faults. I know things that I've never told him just to avoid hurting him. I've also told him things that I knew would hurt him, but I was desperate for him to see that it wasn't ME. Just for once in our miserable lives to see that I am not the problem and I am not the horrible person she wants so desperately for him to feel I am. Because I was chronologically ahead of her, I was supposed to take and take and take...simply because fate would have it, she is his daughter. For years there was ZERO understanding for anyone but her. Tonight was an attitude I have not seen in more than a year. Tonight was a reaction I haven't seen in more than a year. He said something extremely HORRIBLE about my nephew (his feelings towards him are similar to mine towards SD...but other than being young and irresponsible she and my nephew are not much alike at all...and I love my nephew like he is my son), he once again brought out the 'you need to be the adult' argument when honest to God it just doesn't apply anymore, and essentially took my suggestion as a complete slap in the face to "his daughter" and crossed a boundary I'm not willing to bend on. Oh he said that the GC was fine...we'd just do that...with a tone that suggested I was a monster and how dare I!???!!

He put her before his marriage a million times in the course of those six long years....and tonight he did the same. It isn't just about the money and us not being able to afford to 'clean up' her mess, it is mostly about me not being able to accept that I am married to someone that really would just not 'get' that the enemy isn't me. I am doing what I feel I have to do to protect my family from her messes. Since she is his daughter, and she IS family, that makes me 'her enemy' in his eyes. There is no way to win. I thought we were on the same page. I have chosen my battles very carefully when it came to her and tried so hard to respect the position he is in and NEVER make him have to choose between me or her. Honest to God I have. I am just shocked and heartbroken that my suggestion was met with such ugliness from him. He truly was thinking of no one but her. I think, too, it bothers him that she's relying on her mother (who is SUCH A LOSER I can't even begin to tell you) for anything. Her mother isn't doing her any favors...she went on to explain that her mother uses her FOOD STAMPS to get her food, but she had to buy her a phone card in lieu of the groceries. I say let her mother take care of her, it's a nice change!

She is going to college to be a nurse. She was working 40 hours a week until they cut their hours. I have already played the scenario in my head. I KNOW how hard the courses she is taking are....I have been taking them myself (making all A's, but I am very dedicated...she isn't)...and eventually she'll run out of steam, start flunking, and then give him the sob story that it is because she cannot work 40 hours a week and focus on school. It will, because she and I don't get along and she would rather die than live her (i.e. I am the reason she left home at 18), it will all be my fault. I'm just not sure I can deal with this anymore. Even if I stay away from her and just try and focus on being supportive of him, I am still effected by the poison. I am just not sure I can win this situation. I thought it was a thing of the past...until tonight.

When mine moved out

When mine moved out, he rented a room with a friend, an older lady. She does all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. She reminds him about things he needs to do. I'm raising his kids. His cell phone and laptop are supplied by his employer, so the only thing he owns in the world is his car. So he's got the carefree life he wanted. These people can always find a way around grown up responsibility.

waynebloss's picture

Do not mean to rain on anyone but an update for me.

My called me last night and told me she has filed for divorce.  I knew somewhere deep down inside that it was coming but was not expecting it last night.  she has been saying for the last 3-4 weeks that she does not want one, she wants to work this out and try a separation.  Then last night she said that our last talk I made her feel horrible, she felt like I was blaming her for everything, I was calling her names and such.  I told her I did not call her any name, I told her that she is 50% responsible for this mess and I was mad and frustrated at how she has been treating me for the last year and I am sorry for not being nice during that aspect of the discussion.  Then she then went on to say that my proposal to her about our relationship was not doable and nothing in there was or could be talked about. 

After she told me this last night, I ended the conversation with "I am sorry that you cannot give me chance after you made so many demands of me to change.  I met all of them, exceeding them and continue to change for the better.  You even said that I have become a better man and the ball is in your court, you stated that you had things you wanted/needed to do and now to end our 13 year marriage without doing anything with the "ball" in your court?  I am grateful for the changes that you started me on, I am glad that now I know what I can do, just very sad, frustrated and mad that you stated you wanted to work this out, you stated that you had things you needed to do, and you told me that you do not want a divorce and now you filed without so much as letting me know.  I am sorry for what I have done, what I caused and would take it back if I could, so I am sorry for everything."   She had nothing to say and hung up the phone. 

This morning, I woke up MAD!  I withdrew all the money except what was needed for bills.  I have changed all my direct deposits and I have removed myself from our joint insurance and joint gym membership.  She told me she is not going to serve me at work, that I would get a call when they are ready for me to pick up.  She expects us to be friends and to talk more now then we ever did within the last 2 years....told her the friendship would take time if it was going to happen. I would be civil and work with her about the kids but she needed to give me some time to adjust my feelings from what they are now to friendship. 

I am PISSED and I cannot understand why someone would demand all these changes from you or they were leaving with the kids, you do them more than what was expected and now she just quits!  Does not do anything she said she would do, no seeing a counselor about her anger, no working together with me on the separation, not talking to me for months, WHAT THE F!!  She was mad that I asked her if she was having an affair either emotionally or physically, which she never answered, I told her that I had a gut feeling and was letting her know. I showed my wife's first separation proposal to my counselor and a lawyer, they both asked me the same question, "Is she having an affair?"  In my separation response, I told her that there would be no dating and/or sex with anyone outside the marriage if we were going to work it out.  Now she will not tell me where she is staying, she will not help with finances, she will not move out of the house, expects us to stay in the same house through this process....I JUST DO NOT GET IT?  What am I missing?  When did she throw in the towel?  My counselor thinks she threw it in last October, if that is the case why tell me all these things about working it out and not backing them up?   

I may never get those questions answered which make me very sad that she does not think we are worth fighting for! 

Done venting, guess I need to start preparing for this divorce.

ebb and flow's picture

wayne

I guess that ultimately it sounds like your changes and improvements came too late. (put bluntly and obviously) :/

It's a sad fact but I guess she was just beyond repair when it actually came down to it. :(

I feel so sorry for you but there are some positives that come from it. The war is over! Now you can continue working on YOU and making yourself a better person! Learning, so as not to make the same mistakes again. And, maybe at some point in the future you can apply all these skills to another loving relationship where no damage has to be fixed in the first place. You can also apply all these skills to your job and the relationship you have with the kids....

If it's going to end, you're starting this new beginning with a fresh outlook on your life! What a great way to exit the old... knowing that in the end you WERE giving it 110%! I'd feel pretty good leaving this way... if any.

Stay strong!!! We're here if you need to vent, swear, break stuff.. whatever!! :)

Really, hang in there!!! :)

...there is also another side

...there is also another side of this coin....his wife will bring a lot of 'ugly' into any relationship she might choose to enter in the future because she apparently has no ability to forgive. She is lacking something that will hurt her in the future. What bothers me most is that the ADHD diagnosis was made, after years of hurtful behaviors by Wayne, and immediately he started making changes and doing what she asked. What I feel went most wrong is that she asked for a LOT from him, but gave nothing herself. She shut him out, cut him off, and kept asking for more and more. There are not many human beings who could endure that very gracefully. She gave up, I guess...is what I feel. That's OK, but she gave up, I feel, MONTHS ago, and for some unknown reason (personal benefit of a live-in babysitter? someone to manage her bills while she blew her money as she wished?) refused to be upfront about it.

Wayne...chin up. It is OK to be mad, hurt, frustrated, etc...but don't let those emotions control you. Stay true to the "new" you and you will get through this. Be the person you can be proud of. Breath...count to 10...do whatever it takes to get through. (((HUGS)))

waynebloss's picture

I am

Sherri, I agree with you but I am speculating here and I try not to do that. For me and my mind, I have to have a "cause" to an action, and for me I am leaning on she quit or gave up, tired of it all and just wants out.  Looking back at our phone conversation and thinking about it, I noticed that she used a lot of "you" statements when telling me why she filed.  "You made me feel", "You called me names", "You are jealous of me being a free spirit".  I did not call her names, I did state after she told she filed that I felt "cheated", "lied to" and "very sad that I did not get a chance to show her my changes", and that I was mad because during our last conversation (2 weeks ago) she told me that she did not want a divorce, then she stops talking and continues with her recent actions and then calls me to tell me she filed.

I am mad because she told me that the ball was in her court and she did nothing with it, left it on the court and walked out of the "gym".  I know there will be stages of anger, sadness, grief and then acceptance, but there are so many questions that will never be answered which makes it harder for me to accept this is what she really wants but more of a easier way out. Just do not understand how or why  someone can throw 13 years of marriage, a family, and everything we have been through out?  Why are we/us/family not worth fighting for?  Why are the kids and me not worth it? Why not separate and live in different places to see if this is what she wants? 

I am keeping my chin up, I am going to be confident about who I am and what I will continue to do what I need to.  I am also sad because she is a beautiful woman inside and out, after meeting her in 1997 it took 1 week for me to know she was the one and we have been through thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health together, to know that my actions over the last 2 years directed her into this "darkness" which I cannot help her get out of.  I feel responsible for where she is, not her decisions, but where she is now which influences her decisions.  Guess it is something I will have to live with, just not happy about it!! 

Thanks for the positive words, I know this is happening for a reason, just have to trust him! 

 

Wayne

  

It is extremely hard for some

It is extremely hard for some people (you and I have that in common) to not have answers to all of our questions...but in the end, it won't change the outcome and sometimes things are just better off left 'as is'. Most of the time there are no Earth shattering answers, just a simple "she enjoys the life she has now too much to go back to being married/tied down". It may not even be that she gave up on YOU specifically, but that she's found a new, single life that she likes more. There is a part of me that feels she will eventually regret this, but only time will tell. Her plethora of "YOU" comments leads me to believe she is, indeed, still blaming you for everything....her loss.

Be mad, that's perfectly human...but the time has come for Wayne to do a mental inventory, take a few deep breaths, stand back, and focus on how you're going to come out of this in one piece. Focus on you and the kids. She has made her decision..so I would take the damn ball out of her court and put it back in mine and keep it there. She's done enough jerking around for the last year to last a life time. She is 100% entitled to her feelings and to do what makes her happy....but the way she's gone about it was cruel and it is time for you to take charge of your own future and that of your children. We're all human, we all make mistakes...just hang in there buddy. Breathe...and then get busy starting your new future.

Wayne that just plain stinks

Wayne that just plain stinks and I will get mad w you. You seem to have made a lot of strides in your personal and spiritual growth. Embrace it and be proud. I am fighting the battle to like who I am in the face of someone who keeps saying (ironically) that I am so selfish to think about myself "all the time". In truth, there is almost no time- its constantly all about him and separately, all about my kids (as in, me taking care of them). I feel he, like your wife, left "town" a while ago and just put up a fake front. It hurts. Its lonely. But I realized in a weird way today that I'm strangely not in a deep depression like I used to be before we knew about the adhd. Im sad, yes and scared out of my mind about what all this means. But at least I have a clue as go what this battle is more about. I want him to commit to our relationship and I am not buying into his crap about how he is too busy at work, too tired, or too distracted to pay attention to our relationship. Another year go by waiting for it to happen? Can I really wait?!! I pray that, at least for you, this will be your way out of this painful craziness because while you are addressing your adhd symptoms your wife could not deal w dealing w her negative coping mechanisms that developed over this. There is nothing you can do but try to be good and truthful to yourself. Sorry so tired - cant think so straight lately...

Sorry to hear the news. 

Sorry to hear the news.  Please remember we are all here for you.  Be strong, never give up.  I know you don't really want to hear this but at least you don't have to live with the unknown on a daily basis like you have been.  I think this is worse than knowing!!

waynebloss's picture

Yes it is

Now I know, it has been a tad refreshing instead of wondering what or where we are heading, just did not expect this direction.  I was hoping for a more positive route!

 

Wayne

Wayne, Im really sorry to

Wayne, Im really sorry to hear about the crap your wife is pulling on you.  I don't know what happened to your wife that she would continue to invest in asking you to change and then not acknowledge your work or to wait and see if the changes would make a positive effect on your marriage and family.  I can understand her pain, so many of us non ADDers have been there, done that with our spouse.  What I don't understand is what I wouldn't give to have my DH embrace those opportunities to change and make our lives better. 

Wayne, you have earned the right to feel good about yourself. You did the hard work and made every effort to save yourself, your marriage and your family.  It is your wife for whatever reasons that she has, made the choice to throw in the towel.  You are a good man Wayne, Im sorry that your wife isn't able to see that.

But you will be fine. I understand the anger, the pain, the scary thought of moving forward - I am in that spot now after my DH (ADDer) was agreeing to get our marriage back on track and I was offering him the changes that I would make,ect and the he decided that he was not attracted to me, but he doesn't want a divorce he just wants everything to stay the same only he and I do not have a marital relationship. Oh and its okay with him if I choose to date, even though he has no intention of doing so.

After a week of shock and turmoil, I have decided that (while its not what I wanted or have been working towards for the last 2 years) I'm moving forward for me. I have moved him out of our bedroom, I have set myself up with a counselor, I have been working out at the gym (for me to feel better) and I plan to look into colleges for next fall to get a degree so that I can not only emotionally but also financially support myself and my kids. I feel that the "ball has been in his court" for so long without his working on things and me just waiting and reminding him - that I now am beginning to feel empowered that I am in the "drivers seat" and I can make myself happy.

I wish the best for you Wayne. I believe that there are many great things ahead for you! Stay true to yourself and know that you are a great person that deserves to find happiness.

sullygrl's picture

So sorry to hear

Especially if she was trying to tell you there was hope where there was none. I don't know if she was trying to keep helping you, thinking if she didn't give you hope, you wouldn't keep making strides in becoming the better person you are now? At some level, maybe there was caring but she was past the point of being able to deal with any of it? Afraid that it would be temporary?

Whatever the answer, here is the question: Do YOU feel that the improvements you made have helped YOU? That you can have a better, richer life because now you have faced many issues and dealt with them and are a better person, a better father because of it?

No, you may never know what is going on in her head. Maybe she would rather make a clean break now than to try a separation that her heart isn't in. But for now focus on you, taking care of you, and the kids. Best to you...

Wow. What a terrible thing.

He wants all the benefits of being married without having to regard you as an individual entirely whole and separate from himself.  Sticks and stones is such an untruth. Words hurt. 

Yes Chris words do hurt. He

Yes Chris words do hurt. He doesn't see it that way - he doesn't feel that his words are a form of abuse. And yes, his wanting to have complete control over me is abusive too.

Wayne...

Hey Wayne, I was curious as to how things were for you now? I have drawn a lot of strength from some of the insights and wisdom in your posts in relation to my own situation. Hope you're okay buddy.