My Dh and I met tonight and I was under the impression that we were working on a plan to get our marriage back on track, offer up what we each need to work on and let each other know what we need and that we can work towards happiness together. I was so hopeful that this was going to be the point where we would stop spiraling out of control and get back on track - like we were starting to in late last Nov 2010. Well, I was duped.
I offered a list of things to that I need to work on; Dh asked many questions about how, where and why I would do those things and then agreed to the changes I offered. I offered to completely forgot about the past and just move forward and deal with the hear and now issues together; again, DH agreed to do so. I expressed how I was really ready to move forward with additional changes and wanting to have a loving and caring relationship with him; again DH agreed. But I just had this gut feeling that DH wasn't fully committed.
Dh offers to me; that if I were to spend more time with him and have more interests of his and get healthy and figure out what we had when we were first together and how to get it back then yes, he'd like to stay together. According to DH its our kids fault that we don't spend time together. Dh believes that his ADD is in check, he refuses to use any anti depression meds ever again (still using dextroamphetamine XR) and that he feels that he is more focused and out of the fog then ever before. I never asked him to take any meds in the first place.
Then he continues with what does he have to be happy about? Why should he be happy? When I explain to him that he has everything: kids and wife that love him, a very good job, a nice home and he's relatively healthy. Do you have a million dollars in the bank - no; but $ doesn't buy happiness. What do you (DH) think makes you happy?
His reply: getting in shape and healthy. Period. Oh yeah, I don't think that we need to see our marriage counselor or at least not as frequently. I disagreed with this and said I feel that right now we need counseling more than ever to get back on track.
So I ask him is there anything that he needs from me? Anything that I haven't been doing or need to stop doing?
DH reply: No.
I ask: can you clarify that for me. Im really confused. You just stated how you think our relationship sucks to its the kids fault our relationship sucks, that we need to spend more time together to getting healthy; but there isn't anything you need or want from me to help turn things around?
DH reply: "we need to leave." "Im ready to leave now" So we left the restaurant.
So I asked him once we were in the car if he could now clarify the answer.
DH: you will need to ask the question again.
Okay I did.
DH reply: "well basically, I guess it gets down to Im just not attracted to you."
I said "why didn't you just tell me that to begin with and we didn't need to go through all of this"
DH: I'm just now realizing that's how I feel.
Well needless to say, I had reached my limit. I said that's fine. But I deserved better than what he is giving me. That manning up to how he felt in the beginning would have been the respectable thing to do. That since he no longer loved me and isn't attracted to me then there is no point in working at counseling and we can put the house on the market next week. Begin moving forward with divorce proceeding.
DH: Well didn't you change your tune fast. From working it all out to selling the house, ect.
Me: There's no point in working on our marriage by myself. You want out, and there is nothing that I can say or do that will change your mind or feelings. So there is nothing else to work at other than getting the house sold.
DH: And what will we get for it in this market?
Me: What difference does it make? Let's just finish this off (meaning our marriage).
DH: Well what about the kids?
Me: They stay with me.
DH: that's not what I meant. Have you thought how they will feel if we divorce?
Me: Well, I don't see any other options so it is what it is. (He KNEW that he would get me with this - he KNOWS that I can't stand the idea of the kids being hurt)
Dh: We can stay together for the sake of the kids. We can stay together and raise the kids and this will have little impact on them if we stay together.
Me: So like roommates? No marriage relationship?
Me: Well, all I can say for now is that I do not plan to be alone forever. I deserve better than what I have gotten the last 6 years.
Dh: Well I don't intend to date anyone.
Me: no reply.
I don't know what to make of all of this. I am hurt and relieved at the same time. I am angry - I think I always thought that he wanted out but just wasn't man enough to admit it - guess I was right. I feel like he just pretty much said that because Im not a size 10 and look like I did 25 years ago (and 2 babies) then he doesn't want me and no one else will either. I feel "used" and duped.
But more so I feel like a failure as a wife and partner and still so very alone. Not sure right now if staying together for the kids is the right thing for the kids and I. Hell, DH will probably up and change the rules when the housing market turns around.
I know I need to move forward for me, but I'm having a really hard time getting over this tonight. Its not like I haven't considered this option before; not like I wasn't curious that this was what he wanted, but I feel that he has sent me so many mixed signals that I don't know what he will do next. I know that I will be fine once on my own (with the kids) but it is a scary thought. I have no idea where to start. With my dad's failing health I can't ask them for help - its just to much to ask. I have a good support group around me; but I think that right now its my pride that is getting in the way (having to admit that I failed at my marriage) and having to ask for help (just when will i realize what I need help)?
Anyway, that's the thanks I get for the last 25 years....what a fool I have been!