Does the ADHD spouse really only think of themselves?


I do so many things to help my husband...from organizing, to cleaning, cooking, working, supporting, etc.  But it seems that he is very selfish.  I mean I don't see anything extra that is done for me, no presents on non holidays, so small gestures, no back rubs (that is 2 much work and attention), nothing that shows me he cares for me, yet if I try 2 leave, OMG!  He cries and says he loves me soooo much, and can't see his life without me.  Now, are people with ADHD just dense when it comes to the actual "showing of deep feelings part" or "doing selfless things for others" because the usual ways that I understand someone loves me, I just don't see it with my husband.  Unless I do something drastic like threaten to leave.  


Sometimes we are. One of the fellows has made a lengthy post about reminders in the blackberry etc etc. You have to express to him that those things are important to you and accept the fact that it may seem a bit mechanical for him to need to do lists or alarms to remind him about stuff like that. I was reading a post the other day on different site that said "you know you have ADHD when you know your dad's birthday is on July 10th, You know today is July 10th but for some reason , you don't know that today is dad's birthday" I think that that is it in a nut shell. Just as a funny anecdote, my hubby and I both have ADHD. Once, when he was called to work on Valentine's, which we don't tend to celebrate anyway(cause it should be all year right) he sent this enormous bouquet via that delivery service. It had teddy bears for both kids and exotic blooms, the whole nine yards. I was so totally stunned, mostly because we were pretty broke at the time and I am not especially girly romantic to start with. I called him to say thank-you but OMG ALL THAT MONEY. Don't ever do that again please. Talk about deflated ego. I really should have waited a week or two before opening my big ADHD mouth about the expense.

If you don't feel comfortable about helping him to do the reminders thing, get one of his more organized romantic type buddies to give him a hand setting up a system. He may be thankful for the heads up because it will promote peace in your home and keep him out of the dog house. Every time I see a guy at the grocery store in line with me with flowers I always chuckle and ask "So what did you do?" Only 1 in ten ever says I am just getting her flowers. The rest just smile nervously. I don't think they all have ADHD.