I thought maybe we'd had a breakthrough tonight. My under-treated ADHD husband really seemed open to talking to me about our marital troubles. He was teary eyed and said how he was sad about our relationship and how he thought maybe I'd be better off if he were hit by a car (I energetically told him that would make me very unhappy). When I asked him some more questions about what he was sad about in particular he said it was because we weren't having sex. I asked him if he was sad because of the actual lack of sex or because of what it meant more broadly about how we felt about each other. He said both. I told him that it also made me sad, but we could have sex anytime he wanted but that he can't expect me to really enjoy it when I have so much anger and resentment built up. He said that there was no point in having sex then, because he needed me to enjoy it so he can enjoy it.
I started to feel really angry inside. Here I had been feeling all forgiving and loving toward him because he seemed genuinely upset about the state of our floundering relationship. But when I dug into it he really was just annoyed that I wasn't able to have wild, passionate sex with him. And that just made me feel angry that he is only worried about our marriage because of the physical aspects. I felt like a fool for assuming that he has been crying and upset because he was coming to the realization (he's started reading Melissa's book --after much pleading on my part) that his refusal to effectively address his ADHD symptoms was driving us into complete dysfunction. I am so angry from 5 years of acting like his servant and managing almost every aspect of our lives (I know that I'm at fault for not setting appropriate boundaries), but I thought that I was getting through to him at last.
But, nope. It seems like all that can upset him is the fact that he isn't getting the sex he wants.
I don't mean to discount his needs and the way that he prefers to give and receive love. But really, our sex life is at the bottom of the things that are driving me out of the marriage. I'm sorry, but I don't think it is possible for any woman to have uninhibited, passionate sex without feeling safe, respected, and valued by her partner. The female sexual response just doesn't work that way. Believe me, I wish I were more like a man in that way.
So, not wanting to just silently be angry, I told him what I was feeling. I told him that I was frustrated that his main concern for our marriage was that he wasn't getting the pleasure he felt he deserved in bed. Well, as you might expect, it didn't go over well with him. He said that my problem was that I discounted his needs (a valid point, I told him). Anyway, long story short, we escalated the conversation to full scale efforts to hurt each other. And I think we both succeeded.
I'm no saint. In fact I feel like the world's biggest jerk most of the time. I hate who I've become. But I'm not going to pretend to have awesome sex in order to placate my husband who doesn't seem interested in even starting to pitch in like an adult in our marriage. I'm not trying to withhold sex in an attempt to manipulate him. I'm just not going to have sex with someone when I am furious and resentful at them. But why does THAT become the core of our problems?
Seeking any insight or advice. I'm tough enough to handle the truth if you think I'm being irrational or unfair.