My husband and I have been married a year and a half. Only last summer did we realize he has adult ADD. I've always been frustrated with him about not waking up on time for work and school, not remembering things I have told him to do. Never doing things unless I do tell him (he can't see the kitchen is messy and pick it up) Not remembering things I've told him (Like then I tell him I have an appointment Tuesday and on Tuesday he asks where I am...) Until we found out he had ADD I really just thought he was lazy and thoughtless. Since his diagnosis he is on Ritalin twice a day. But things have not really improved. He says they've improved at work and he notices he is more focused, but as for home things are still the same. He has started to see a counselor but so far no improvement.
For example. Last week I asked him 3 days in a row to please take out the garbage, and he didn't do it till the 4th day. Then one day he slept in and was late for class. Another day he forgot to take the rent check (which was right next to his car keys) to the office on his way to work. Then the next day he slept in and was late for class again. Came home from class and went back to sleep and then slept too long and was late for work. All the while I call and text and get no answer. I was about to leave my job to go home when he finally woke up at the time he was suppose to be at work.
I feel like I'm going crazy. He says he feels I'm always hoping he messes up. I don't hope he messes up but I do expect it...plan for it... is that wrong? It's the result I've always gotten so I don't know how to expect anything else.
I do get really angry about things and he say's I turn emotionally abusive. I'm disappointed in myself that I do that. I'm in counseling as well about this and my counselor says I do it out of being hurt by being let down...so I'm working on it, but it feels impossible when he just keeps provoking it.
I said we should probably just get a divorce...that it would be an endless circle of going round. Him messing up and me getting really upset. I'm not getting any younger and would like to have kids, but I don't want to have kids with someone who themselves is just a big kid I have to look after.
Does it get better? With counseling can he become responsible?
He is a nice guy, but I find that me always being frustrated about his lack of responsibility has caused me to resent him, and I'm not sure I love him anymore... How can you love someone you're always mad at?
I'm miserable all the time, I don't want to see friends or family because I dont want to have to talk about "us".
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at the end of my rope.
Does it get better?
Submitted by lynnie70 on
Hmmm, the odds are against it. Usually before marriage is about as good as it gets. You better carefully read some of these posts and see if you can deal with him losing interest in you (suddenly), ignoring you, not carrying his share of the load, forgetting things that are important to you, arguing, lying, and last but not least, blaming YOU for all of the above. Been married 4 years -- our kids are all grown, he makes a good living. I just wanted some companionship, but I have never been so lonely in my life, and I was single for 12 years. Think long and think hard before you leap.
LOTS of us do get better
Submitted by summerwine on
LOTS of us do get better thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!
Does it get any better? Not for me.
Submitted by marbuch on
I definitely agree that you should look over this website and read alot of posts before you decide to stay and have children with this person. From what I have read, it seldom gets better. I have been with my husband for over 10 years now. He has never been formally diagnosed, but he fits every characteristic of a person with ADHD. He says labeling him as ADHD makes him feel less than human and he doesn't wish to go through that. Anyway, I basically handle everything in the household and he has very little responsibilities at all. I have learned over the years, that his countless promises don't mean anything either. I can't depend on him to do anything I ask. He has disappointed me so many times that I have stopped asking or depending on him for anything. I just assume he will forget (as he does about 99% of the time).
He also sleeps until 10 or 11 am (sometimes noon or 1pm), but thankfully he owns his own business so he doesn't have to punch a time clock. He doesn't follow through with any of his promises (to me or his co-workers) nor can he complete any tasks. He is a creative thinker and has many grand ideas, but he just can't seem to act on most of them.
So, I definitely associate with every one of your feelings. I don't us getting any better. Any time we argue, I always get the blame for everything. He is not responsible for any of his actions. I have caused the entire thing. I never say the right thing, I never think with right thoughts, I never act the way he thinks I should act. It is an endless spiral that I hope you don't get caught up in. My suggestion is.... run while you still can.