Hello all, I am married to my husband for 8 years and have recently dicovered that he is most likely ADD. I had been having cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with my regular feelings of worthlessness. I searched all through my past to find aswers and then one day I stumbled across an article entitled something like 'living with someone with ADHD' and it was like it had been written about my husband. I remember where the feeligs of worthlessness began when we first moved in together, a new relationship and he sat by the window people watchng for hours. I showed the article to him thinking he'd pass it off or make a joke about it, well he did make a joke about it but also agreed that he may be ADD. He has never read a book or watched a film. Hes either on the go or snoring, theres no in between. I can handle that, but what Im strugglng with is his constant frustration and never being satisfied. I used to take it personally and that wiped out my self esteem, but now Im trying not to take things personally when he thinks everyone else has more than him (they really dont). I realise that its not about me, its about him. I find myself constantly trying to please him. I dont think he will ever be truly happy. Even if he did win the lottery. He is currently working nights which is when I find him hardest to manage. He doesnt sleep enough and sits on the sofa with no energy complaining that theres not enough going on in the house and theres nothing to do! we have 4 dogs, two kids and we both work so this really doesnt make sense! He doesnt seem to know whether hes coming or going. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but I feel dragged down by it too at times. I try so hard to maintain a consistent frame of mind for myself but he hurts me alot, even though he loves me as much as any man could love a woman, he would die for me and the kids. Thats another thing.. Im constantly mediating between him and the kids. Does any of this sound familiar or maybe just a normal marriage?
ps he'd never take medication for it so Id have to look for other ways to help.
Resonates in spirit
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
Hello, welcome. I'm sorry you felt worthless. It's terrible that you internalized all his negativity as a reflection on you. One of the hardest things to learn is that the ADHD symptoms are not personal. And it's easy to forget in the heat of the moment. Your description certainly has all the hallmarks of ADHD; needing constant stimulation, hyper-critical, perpetual dissatisfaction, insatiability.
ADHD can be mitigated without meds, not everyone responds well to them, but your husband would have to be on board with trying to manage it. Therapy/coaching can help a lot. Regular exercise is really helpful. Omega 3s, and healthy eating. Sleep is really important. But before change can occur DH must agree that change is needed. It will not happen unless he is stimulated enough to do it.
Maybe you can work with your therapist on ideas on how to get your spouse to seek treatment. The books on ADHD impacted relationships are really a good resource for you (and him if only he would read...), ADHD Roller Coaster by Gina Pera, and this site's leader's The ADHD Effect on Marriage (Melissa Orlov) are both great. There are also some terrific posts on communication on Melissa's blog and other areas of the forum.
It sounds like yours is a classic ADHD impacted marriage (not normal) but I am no professional. Good luck. Try to keep in mind the things you like about your spouse. Take care of your own mental health.
Thank you so much for the
Submitted by Murfsta on