I have real communication problems with my wife. We’ve been married for 13 years and for the whole period I have been incredibly confused by her lack of communication.
She rarely sends me messages or replies to messages that I’ve sent her, even if I send her pictures and thoughtful things I rarely get an acknowledgement. So I have stopped doing it which is really sad. I see things I would usually say or share with a partner throughout the day and I just stop because I think there’s no point. A loving, connecting part of me has died.
Usually a message I will get will be functional “what’s your sister’s dob ?” and I will receive no chat on either side of it or thanks when I reply (hey morning how you doing, what’s your sister’s dob, great thanks catch you later” etc.). And yet I see her chatting with her friends via WhatsApp and Facebook regularly, sending messages and photos, but not to me. She’ll often sign messages to her friends with kisses but almost never to me. It all feels very petty. But is very confusing.
When we discussed this or I bring it up she will often say “oh I’m so busy, I can’t think of you all the time” or to say that I am needy. And often she seems completely unaware that she hasn't communicated and quite surprised that I'm annoyed. But it feels like there is no communication or affection with me at all and it's been an issue always that still causes me lots of stress and anger
I don’t know why she would naturally communicate with her friends but so little with me. The sad conclusion I keep coming to is that actually she’s just not that into me or doesn’t love me that much to be bothered. I feel as though I ticked the “find husband” box which was the hyperfocus at the time which then became the wedding hyperfocus and the have children hyperfocus, but that as soon as the husband box was ticked there was no need to continue feeding it. Or as I am starting to understand it no longer provided the reward or buzz.
She is currently away for a month with our children on holiday and I get almost no messages or photos and when I ask for them or bring them up, she’s often frustrated with me and irritated like I’m asking too much from her or criticising her. She is very spiky, defensive and aggressive and I have become very wary of upsetting her. Instead I put up with the titbits I get and try to be very gentle and tactful.
I am really sad. I genuinely don’t know if she doesn’t care and is not interested in me or if it’s ADHD. I have read about issues with object permanence and communication difficulties and the thrill/ reward mechanism wonder if this is related, and the fact that I’m not around means she’s just not thinking about me or thinking about sending me stuff but doesn't mean she doesn't actually care or love me.
But then I’m confused because she is chatting and thinking about her friends who she communicates with a lot. They are incredibly important to her and she suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria in anything related to them.
In the vacuum my confusion and insecurity is vastly magnified. I replay things over and over trying to understand them. We have recently separated which I don’t want and I am left wondering if my marriage has been a lie or whether ADHD is a huge part of the picture and there is hope for a different way of understanding what is going on and relating.
If anyone has any insights or can relate to this experience, I would be very grateful. Thank you.