Submitted by Brindle on 10/10/2020.
"It'll be fine."
I hear this about so many life issues. From tax questions to health concerns to car maintenance to issues with kids to... yeah.
His way is to say that it will be fine and do nothing. And then when later it isn't fine, he's angry that he has to take time to fix it or spend the chunk of money to fix it.
I'm trying to decide if this is because fixing problems when they are small is boring, or if he's just in denial about everything. Is it all really just about having his pleasures at all times? Or is it more of his lack of taking responsibility for things, which I see a lot of, too. I suppose I may never know.
Ahhh, I may have found the key
Submitted by Brindle on
Avoidance. Overly optimistic instead of realism.
I began googling things in regards to avoiding dealing with all issues, large and small. And I began finding links between adhd and poor coping skills that relate to telling oneself overly optimistic things about how stuff will turn out as a way to avoid discomfort. This seems to range from task avoidance to seeing one's own behavior.
And that rings a big bell with me for what I'm seeing in him.
My DH says always says he's
Submitted by Libby on
My DH says always says he's not going to worry about it when faced with life issues. Or the other phrase is we will cross that bridge when we get to it. It is a procrastination issue. It is maddening to deal with.
I think that for my ex, "it
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think that for my ex, "it will be fine" and similar comments are ways to justify him not doing things that he knows, at some level, he should do. I used to think that he didn't worry as much as I do; now, I think that his minimizing of things is a way to defuse his anxiety, which actually might exceed mine.
It's how we view it....
Submitted by c ur self on
Procrastination isn't about avoiding work; it's about avoiding negative emotions. We procrastinate when a task stirs up feelings like anxiety, confusion or boredom. ...
Nurses my not be good with family injury, Mechanics may drive cars that have needs....Lawyers my hate talking law at home....It's the same principle with certain mind types...It's how we view it (these needs, or perceived needs) that effects our willingness and attitude concerning it....Consider the term overwhelmed, many minds types get to that point much quicker than others (add is one of those)...We all have different tolerance levels for problems...Again, it's how we view it...Many people are just mentally stronger when it comes to being productive, and busy...This isn't about physical ability...It's about our views, habits, and priority setting....It's about comfort.....
What drives our views toward life issues? needs?....Our views are set early on in life, for the most part...Many things...Nature, Nurture....But, we all are looking for comfort, and to feeling good about ourselves (self esteem)....That works differently in everyone....Some people find comfort in work, others in play...others in fellowship, and others in solitude....It's nature and nurture.....
There are just many things to consider in this "It will fine response"....What did Mother and Daddy do? What has my day or days been like when I hear this? What is the emotional state of the person pointing it out? What is my emotional state when I hear it?....We all have our own tendencies, and habits....And the answer to why each of us form these tendencies are usually in the answers to these questions....But, it's about avoiding pain.....
I've been a high performer like my MOM, but, I've also experienced anxiety, in the demands I've put on myself to often (not knowing how to relax many times)....Sometimes it's just inevitable as spouses to get caught up trying to think for another person...It's a bad habit, because our mental, emotional and physical abilities can be off the charts different from each other, married or not....So when pressure to fill these needs are placed on us, (the pain and discomfort hits) we may balk....
c
IMO, it's yes to all of those
Submitted by Addlerextreme on
IMO, it's yes to all of those things.
His ADHD prevents him from learning how to be an adult. That needs to be treated effectively first, and only once it is, can these other things be addressed. They need to be learned for the first time.
What's more, even after the correct dosage for treatment is found, they've learned how to be more responsible, and a year has passed with no problems, if you take the treatment away everything will be forgotten, and it will be as if the year never happened.
The ADHD mind is chaos. It's not your fault. It's not your husband's fault. He is trapped inside the very mind that needs treatment to understand he needs treatment. Many people go un-or-under treated because of this.
ADHD, Repetition, and Time Limits
Submitted by adhd32 on
Part of the adult ADHD learning problem is that once some progress is made, the ADHD person slacks off and checks the box never accepting that certain behaviors need to be repeated regularly, usually more than once or twice. Or, sometimes things take longer and require a great deal more effort and skill than initially thought. Once the reality sets in, nothing moves forward.
For example: friendships fall by the wayside because they need to be tended to on a personal level and require giving of yourself when it isn't convenient. My H no longer has friends because he doesn't bother to contact anyone. He will happily go if invited but he doesn't stay in touch with the fellas or his own relatives. His expectation, I think, was for me to keep in touch with his family and his friends through their wives. The wives are lovely but a super tight group because they are childhood friends and sisters or in-laws. I never saw keeping up his friendships as my responsibility yet he blames ME because he doesn't see his so called friends and relatives. Same with our kids, he chose to be a loner while they grew up so he doesn't really know them and maintains that I turned them against him instead of accepting that he never did the relational work nor invested his time in order to establish a bond.
Yes this is true,
Submitted by Addlerextreme on
Yes this is true, relationships die if they're not constantly nurtured. However, knowing this by itself isn't enough to change the behavior of someone with ADHD, because the problem isn't a lack of understanding, it's a neurological failure of executive function. It looks like a lack of effort to observers, or making poor choices, but perhaps if they could experience what was going on inside they might see it differently. What I have learned through both having undiagnosed ADHD for 38 years, and seeing the difference post treatment, is that choice is only realistically possible when your mind is content and at peace. For someone with ADHD, like myself, who suffers from emotional dysregulation, the mind is always contentiously full. This makes acting on rational choices next to impossible. The treatment acts to quieten the mind so that one can think rationally without being disturbed by another thought, and when one is no longer spending all of their energy constantly fighting their own thoughts and feelings, one can do things like not only take responsibility for oneself, but also take responsibility for others. This is why I advocate so strongly for first ensuring the correct treatment dosages are found. This is the plain, resulting difference in me, and the benefit to my wife and children.
The insight people both with and without ADHD seem to be missing, in my opinion, is that people with ADHD are drowning in their own minds, in a stormy sea of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Imagine trying to maintain relationships in that state, when you're exhausted merely from keeping your head above water. Hopefully through this explanation you can understand why ADHD adults act the way they do, even if they know better, and why they need compassion from their loved ones. The treatments calm these waters for a time, and a good doctor will maximize that time against potential side-effects.
Hello....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Yes this is true, relationships die if they're not constantly nurtured. However, knowing this by itself isn't enough to change the behavior of someone with ADHD, because the problem isn't a lack of understanding, it's a neurological failure of executive function. It looks like a lack of effort to observers,)
A few questions for you...Do you see your spouse and children as just observers?
Do you think because someone has neurological issues, that they shouldn't have to be accountable for their words, and behaviors in their marriage, in their home, and on their job?
Do you feel like because you have this mind issue, that everyone else should accept it, and endure anything that your mind produces?
Since you feel that executive function is responsible for symptoms of living (behaviors) that is destructive to peaceful and responsible sharing....(The ability to be calm, to engage in conversations w/ full ownership of your behaviors, the ability to submit and give heart felt apologies for things that hurt others, (mostly spouses and children) so you think it's OK because you don't mean it, or you can't control it?
Do you think since most adders are usually (like most who post here will testify too, since they found this site in the desperation of trying to live with an adder) intrusive, and/or abusive when it comes to living in a marriage setting, do you think all adders would perform better in life when it comes to responsibility and accountability, and lead a more peaceful life, if the never marry?
Your answers to these questions will let us all know if you think others lives matter?
c
Same!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
"He will happily go if invited but he doesn't stay in touch with the fellas or his own relatives."
it's the exact same for my boyfriend!!! (Except he doesn't blame me for anything relating to his relationships)
and you're right, it's not your responsibility to manage his relationships. This is always frustrating to me! Why does this happen? I can't comprehend why my guy loves seeing his friends, but NEVER makes plans or takes initiative.
I appreciate your description
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I appreciate your description:
"People with ADHD are drowning in their own minds, in a stormy sea of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Imagine trying to maintain relationships in that state, when you're exhausted merely from keeping your head above water."
You are right in that "they need compassion from their loved ones.". We ALL need compassion from our loved ones. C ur self had many good questions. What about the spouses/partners who give and give and give and are now spent emotionally? Trying to be loving and compassionate, setting boundaries but nothing changes. It is beyond difficult to be married to someone who cannot see that their spouse is shouldering most of the responsibilities in the marriage. That the "nons" also feel like they are drowning, losing their minds and are afraid it will be like this for the rest of their lives.
Ultimately it is up to each of us to own our behavior, and take the steps necessary to take control of our own lives. If this means seeking professional help, so be it.
Case in point. My ex sister in law has a daughter with ADHD, who is now an adult. When she was younger, she had serious issues with emotional dysregulation. It got to the point that I didn't want my son to play with her. Any time things didn't go her way, whether she was with my son or another child, she would kick, punch, bite and scream at the other child. While I felt badly for my niece at that time, there came a point when my son and I had to walk away from her tantrums. It was my sister in law's responsibility to get her the help and treatment to manage her emotions. Acting like "Oh well, thats just how she is. She can't help it, she has ADHD". didn't fly --not in my house and not in the real world. My concern was that if she didn't help her daughter one day another child was going to push back.
Ultimately, one cannot use ADHD as an excuse to behave badly or abuse others.
Not EVERYTHING
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My wife is much more likely to dismiss things from me. She later tells me this great thing that a friend told her to do--which is the same thing she dismissed when I said it. It is very painful and frustrating when this happens. It feels personal--the idea is only wrong because it comes from me, so I must be stupid. My wife then tells me how smart she knows I am. I don't want to be told I am smart. I want to be treated like I am intelligent.
Ditto
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
My spouse's catch phrase is "It'll be alright!" to pretty much everything. It's better to not think ahead. Then they don't have to do things.
Exactly the same!
Submitted by lonelybird on
"I'm not worrying about it."