Submitted by GotSoul on 11/13/2017.
My ADHD husband is constantly making promises and not keeping them. To him it's small stuff... a few minutes late, a few chores that don't get done etc but after 10 years of let downs I feel like I can't rely on him and it's destroying out intimacy and trust. Any advice?
I don't have time at the
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I don't have time at the moment to find the thread. However, somewhere there is a thread about this. Basically, your husband gets to feel good (avoid bad and negative feelings) by making a promise in the moment without thought of fulfilling the promise. He feels good in the moment/you feel bad in the long term. You know, based on experience,that the words are empty, leading to an empty feeling inside. The advice was something to the effect of rejecting the offer at the outset. It short circuits the cycle. I don't remember the specifics, but it's something like "I'm sure you mean to but you may not so I will.... fill in the blank." I do this sometimes. It doens't make all of the bad feelings and lack of trust go away, but it does make the "crash" a little "less bad" because I recognize, and call out up front, what is likely to happen. My husband has been less likely to make empty promises because he is not permitted a free pass to "feel good about things" without considering the long term chances of keeping his word. Now, this doesn't change the fact that the things don't get done....
thank you
Submitted by GotSoul on
Thank you for the feedback. That is helpful. Along the way in our couples counseling the therapist recommended that I stop relying on him for things and take matters into my own hands to eliminate vulnerability and disappointment. I began doing this and it helps in some ways but what is the point of being married if you can't depend on your partner and do everything independently?
Exactly. It doesn't change
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Exactly. It doesn't change that my partner isn't dependable and lies but it does help me manage my emotions related to disappointments. But that leaves the $10,000.00 question.
You have summed up the issue
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You have summed up the issue perfectly. My husband (now my ex-husband) said to me a few times, when I was expressing disappointment about our imbalanced relationship (him not working for pay and also not doing things around the house; me working for pay, doing things around the house, doing more of the parenting), "I can barely take care of myself." I took that to mean that he was telling me I shouldn't rely on him, so I stopped relying on him. I recall the moment a few years ago when I was driving someplace, after having done some task that, like everything else, was something I had to do for the family. The thought popped into my head that I was no longer disappointed or surprised and Ino longer expected my husband to do the thing because he had told me I shouldn't and I thought how sad it was that that had been his goal, to make himself irrelevant.
Interesting
Submitted by GotSoul on
That is a very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing
inability to put our faith in them....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have found out, that unless I want to be negatively impacted (emotions, etc...) then I better not give credence to a person who can't or want follow through....
Before I retired from my Job, I worked with many men (and women) that I liked as persons...But eventually we had to fire some of them....So since I can't fire my spouse....I have found out I better learn to accept the way her mind works, and learn to manage my life (my expectations) around this inability...And not put stock in her ability to be responsible or manage time etc.....
I just called her and said "where are you?" It's after 7 here and when we last spoke (at 4 or so) she was going to the gym to work out (usually 60 to 90 minutes for her....So when I finally got her to answer (ringer still off, since church service Sunday)...She never made it to the gym, spent hours in the thrift store, and has been in Sam's for over an hour....Now LOL...This is her life :)....If I can't accept it, or if I expect it to be different, then I'm going to have some difficult days (which sadly I've had plenty)...But I'm learning!
I suggest you put a list of things that need taken care in a place where you both can't help but see it...And mark out the jobs as he does them, and don't forget to hug and praise him when he does one....If you will limit your words to him (asking for things that create expectations on your part) then you want get emotionally attached to his limitations in follow through...
And when something comes up that is vital that he act...Set him down and get him to look at you when you discuss it...Never make a request of and adhd mind in passing. Not if you really want it to be heard at a level that is sinks in....Or better yet, write it on a piece of paper and stick it in his front pocket, after you have looked into undistracted eyes and got him to answer you...Yes, I hear you :)....
Always be nice and respectful no matter the history in getting him to follow up on his promises....Just because a person's mind limits follow through, they still deserve love and respect...
blessings
C
love, maybe, but respect?
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
C UR SELF, I like so much of what you write and try to follow your advice, but I often feel conflicted when I do. I think I still love my ADHD husband, but I definitely do not respect him anymore. There are many tools and tricks that people with ADHD use successfully to navigate their illness. There are calendars and alarms and notes, etc. I have lowered the bar so much that I'm not even looking for my husband to shoulder very much responsibility at all. But how can I respect someone who knows he has limitations but doesn't lift a finger to overcome those imitations? How can I respect someone who let's his partner (me) take on the lion's share of the housework, the childrearing, and the money-earning? How can I respect someone who makes casual promises all the time and keeps maybe 1 out of 20? It's a challenge, and I don't know if I'm up to it anymore.
I understand OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
I can't be a part of the solution (healthy marriage) without respecting her as a human being. I really don't need her, life would be so much easier w/o all her messes, and all of her unfiltered comments she can't even remember 5 minutes later. LOL....But truly it's not a choice for her....And I can leave at any time....I choose to stay, and I choose to accept her way of living. I may not respect some of her efforts (lack there of) but, she deserves a husband who honors her.
I am very thankful I was efficient at cooking and cleaning when we married...:)....
???? Or should I be?...LOL, maybe if I was a slob also we wouldn't have fought so much:).....
Anyway, I truly know how difficult it can be OWW....I admire your tenacity and faithfulness also....
C
The same thing has been
Submitted by dvance on
The same thing has been happening in my house for 22 years. I do not believe a word that comes out of my DH's mouth. He could tell me the sky is blue and I would go verify. Over the years I have trained myself to trust nothing and expect nothing. For example, DH used to call me when he was on the way home from out of town and he would say something like "I'm an hour away" at 3pm and then walk in the door at 8pm with no explanation and be completed flummoxed when I questioned him. Now I don't ask when he will be home or I don't even retain what time he says and I don't plan my life around him. Which goes back to the question many many of us struggle with here is that if we cannot trust what our partners say and we do everything because they have no follow through, why have them? I have not resolved that for myself.
Flummoxed, totally!
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex could not understand why I did not believe him anymore after a time. Even though it had been five years of very little, if any, progress. Not only that but he was offended by it. Literally gasped with shock and dismay. I was like.. dude...when you do not follow through on what you say, your words eventually cease to have much meaning. This is cause and effect.
But he instead flipped it back on me and told me I have "trust issues".
Yet we've been apart for a year and guess what... still no progress. Funny that.
We are not typical....dvance..:)
Submitted by c ur self on
(I don't ask when he will be home or I don't even retain what time he says and I don't plan my life around him.) I do the same, but, I can't assign blame to someone who is incapable of doing different for the most part....We would not all experience this if they could help it....That's why they turn defensive when we question them...
They don't see what we feel, (no capacity to recognize it...It's not a normal function of their minds in my opinion) because it seems normal for them to be lost when it comes to time awareness...It's taken me 9 years to come to this reality and be able to show grace in her actions....I also have to continually communicate the difference to her, in how our minds work or she will plan my life for me and not realize it....
So to move on with our own lives in acceptance of their reality, and not be angry and withdrawn toward them is our daily challenge...Or it is mine....
C
I agree
Submitted by GotSoul on
So much of these comments hit home...hard! Being married to an ADHD spouse is so lonely. Have any of your spouses had addiction issues? Mine had a sexual addiction that destroyed our marriage a few years back. We had 3 kids and he made lots of promises so I decided to stay. Now when he breaks promises...even small ones...it triggers bigger fears for me.
addictions
Submitted by c ur self on
I think it's much easier for a mind like my wife's to get caught up in addictions....Her eating habits, her TV and recording programs, She can easily struggle not taking things to help her sleep melatonin and she will even take Benadryl and has been addicted to it at times....
So yes I believe you have a points....