Doing better. .. and then, pain. Literally.

My husband and I have been doing a lot better the last few months after I said I had to take the choice to leave our dysfunctional marriage to improve things for everyone, and made a plan for a trial separation. He has started back at his therapist's, started medication after a 2.5 year hiatus, and I have my own counselor that is helping me see the patterns of emotional abuse and gaslighting in my relationship and is helping me articulate my boundaries. I am also working with an acupuncturist and naturopath to get my PMS and irritability and emotions under control. He has been checking in more to help us schedule our weekends (busy life with two kids makes this necessary!) and is more attentive to me. Things are on the up and up overall. 

I continue to struggle with my husband's (apparent to me, at least) lack of compassion or care for me and my feelings. 


He's a wrestling coach and an avid wrestler, and we often 'play' wrestle as a family. 'Horse-around', I guess. It's fun for our young children and our son has started club wrestling as well. I do often let him know, though, that sometimes he's too rough with me.  

Last night, in front of a friend of my H's that also coaches wrestling and that had stopped in to pick him up, he and my five-year-old son started play wrestling. I asked a question about why they are permitted to use their hands on an opponent's face, and my H said "I'll show you", and then grabbed my neck by the two pressure points at the base of my skull (it hurt so badly!!) and held me down. I couldn't get out of it, I was freaking out, for lack of a better term, and in my attempts to get out of it, my nose got smashed on my knee. It's bruised today. I was so so so upset, on the verge of tears and basically told him to 'f-off'. That made him pissy, so he said a begrudging/snarky sorry and left for the night with his friend. I spent the rest of the evening in tears over it, and pretty emotional. More calm, I tried to talk with him about it this morning and how it hurt me and wasn't appropriate, he said that because I told him to 'f-off' and it's my responsibility to not feel upset about it. That's on me. The conversation went downhill from there and he walked out of the room and then left for work angry and defensive and that it's my fault. 

These type of interactions are not unusual for us (the verbal part, not the wrestling), and he's got me questioning everything. That I'm ridiculous, that it's my fault he didn't say a better sorry. When I think about the way he held me down, I get a pain in my chest and tears in my eyes. This isn't right, is it??

I'm not sure what to do. We were supposed to go out tonight and tomorrow for dates/events with friends, and I've told him I can't go out with him. I'm hurting too much. . Am I over-reacting? I can work on accepting it, if I am. 

Edit: I just received a phone call from my spouse and an apology and acknowledgement that he didn't understand how much he had hurt me and that he won't do it again. So that's progress and improvement. . Usually after these type of interactions, it would take him a couple of days of stonewalling me before an adult conversation acknowledging behaviour would happen.