I am done with having ADHD. The history as to how I got to this point is not important anymore.
I have been so caught up in asking the following questions: 1. What can I change in my life so that it will improve. 2. Who do I have to convince that I have no control over my thoughts and reactions? 3. When will I get the time to make changes? 4. I'm not really crazy, that is for people with schizophrenia. But why do people think I am? 5. Why are my responses delayed? 6. Why are people always telling me what to do? Don't they have any confidence in me? I'll just have to be the hero the next time someone needs something to prove I care and I can.
I am going to ask myself one question from now on...what is reality? What a scary question but a necessary one. I'm tired of fighting the battles that I'm good enough. I'm tired of worrying that I'm going to say something wrong. I'm tired of blaming others and then feeling so embarrassed that I did or said something so inappropriate. I'm just tired.
If you are a spouse of someone with ADHD, there is very little you can do to change that person. Give them more chances, yes. Provide education, yes. Threaten to leave or leave, yep that too. But you will never change that person. That person has to go to that scary place him or herself to find that his or her reality is wrong. It is not just a perspective of life that is wrong. It is not a misguided notion that is wrong. REALITY is WRONG. REALITY is WRONG. I just have to say it to realize it myself.
When I think of reality, I think of how everything works on its own, functions together, and establishes the world we live. My reality of my family is wrong. My reality of my health is wrong. My reality of my education is wrong. My reality of accomplishments, defeats, and everything in between is wrong. My reality of my husband and my girls is wrong. How empty that feels to admit that. What comfort I use to have in "knowing" that I could accomplish, outsmart, change anything if I only really wanted to. I'm really just here, period. I am a person born on this planet to get through life just like everyone else. I have no great superpowers. I don't love more than others. Or, contribute more to society than others. Heck, I can't even say, "at least I'm a good person".
But you know what, that is okay by me because I am starting to see a glimpse of reality. of real beauty, of meaning and feeling. How wonderful.
My husband asked me tonight what I plan to do. I realize that he doesn't buy into the fact that I "get it" just a little more than I use to. He has absolutely no reason to believe me. I apologized to him but told him that all my energy can not be spent on apology after apology and promise after promise ...they hold no water anyway. My energy is going to be spent on setting the timer everyday so I don't forget to take my medication. That is it. Nothing else right now.
I am so concerned that I am going to fall back into my old routines and feelings. I just have to focus on medication. I have to keep ADHD in the front of my face from morning til night so I don't forget that I have it. I can't hit it and knock it down if I can't see it, right. Well, I'm looking straight at it. I know it is going to be a tough fight but I'm armed and I've never been more ready.
---my life will not be defined by ADHD