Done with having ADHD, ready to fight the real battle

I am done with having ADHD.  The history as to how I got to this point is not important anymore.  

I have been so caught up in asking the following questions:  1.  What can I change in my life so that it will improve.  2.  Who do I have to convince that I have no control over my thoughts and reactions? 3.  When will I get the time to make changes?  4.  I'm not really crazy, that is for people with schizophrenia.  But why do people think I am?  5.  Why are my responses delayed?  6.  Why are people always telling me what to do?  Don't they have any confidence in me?  I'll just have to be the hero the next time someone needs something to prove I care and I can.

I am going to ask myself one question from now on...what is reality?  What a scary question but a necessary one.  I'm tired of fighting the battles that I'm good enough.  I'm tired of worrying that I'm going to say something wrong.  I'm tired of blaming others and then feeling so embarrassed that I did or said something so inappropriate.  I'm just tired.  

If you are a spouse of someone with ADHD,  there is very little you can do to change that person.  Give them more chances, yes.  Provide education, yes.  Threaten to leave or leave, yep that too.  But you will never change that person.  That person has to go to that scary place him or herself to find that his or her reality is wrong.  It is not just a perspective of life that is wrong.  It is not a misguided notion that is wrong.  REALITY is WRONG.  REALITY is WRONG.  I just have to say it to realize it myself.  

When I think of reality, I think of how everything works on its own, functions together, and establishes the world we live.  My reality of my family is wrong.  My reality of my health is wrong.  My reality of my education is wrong.  My reality of accomplishments, defeats, and everything in between is wrong.  My reality of my husband and my girls is wrong.  How empty that feels to admit that.  What comfort I use to have in "knowing" that I could accomplish, outsmart, change anything if I only really wanted to.  I'm really just here, period.  I am a person born on this planet to get through life just like everyone else.  I have no great superpowers.  I don't love more than others.  Or, contribute more to society than others.  Heck, I can't even say, "at least I'm a good person".  

But you know what, that is okay by me because I am starting to see a glimpse of reality.  of real beauty, of meaning and feeling.  How wonderful.  

My husband asked me tonight what I plan to do.  I realize that he doesn't buy into the fact that I "get it" just a little more than I use to.  He has absolutely no reason to believe me.  I apologized to him but told him that all my energy can not be spent on apology after apology and promise after promise ...they hold no water anyway.  My energy is going to be spent on setting the timer everyday so I don't forget to take my medication.  That is it.  Nothing else right now.  

I am so concerned that I am going to fall back into my old routines and feelings.  I just have to focus on medication.  I have to keep ADHD in the front of my face from morning til night so I don't forget that I have it.  I can't hit it and knock it down if I can't see it, right.   Well, I'm looking straight at it.  I know it is going to be a tough fight but I'm armed and I've never been more ready.  

---my life will not be defined by ADHD

Your post makes me sad, and

Your post makes me sad, and gives me hope.

I think you're exactly right...on a few points. A) you acknowledge that you have ADHD...and that it puts hurdles in your way. FANTASTIC! B) you seem to be coming to grips with how it messes with your perception of things. I would argue, though, that your reality isn't wrong...just different. Agreeing to disagree on subjects does not come easy for me and my DH, but it is coming...and maybe that's another place where you can start. C) focusing on ONE thing at a time. GREAT idea. How does the old saying go? "Eat the elephant one bite at a time"? 

As with anyone, setting goals is a valuable tool to help us all feel like we have a purpose and direction in our lives. I think maybe starting with 3 things that YOU are unhappy with about yourself and writing down solid, attainable goals that will help you change these things and feel better about yourself is a good place to start. There is always..ALWAYS..a solution to every problem. 

I can relate to this, even though I do not have ADHD, because for many years I hated that I was a messy housekeeper. I am 43 and had always been that way. I finally said "i have enough chaos INSIDE of my head, I don't need the chaos outside too" and I did something about it. At first I was obsessed with it...then I started devoting just 15 minutes a day to power cleaning (usually spent more...just set that base for myself)...and how it has just become habit. It took me 6 months to get here. If I can do it, anyone can. 

I wish you all of the luck in the world. I think the first thing you need to start with is changing your inner voice. Make post-it notes and hang them on your mirror...and tell yourself everyday that you ARE a good person. ((HUGS))

Hooray for you!!!!! Let the

Hooray for you!!!!!

Let the hard work begin.  The fact that you are ready is key.  

I am rooting for you, as well!!!!!

I thought for a second i'd written that post

I hear you.

I actually said to my husband the other day, "Y'know what is really working for me now?  Just doing the exact opposite of what comes into my head."  A thought will pop into my head, and I will ignore it.  I will push it away, and remind myself, "Nope. That's wrong."  I'll make a decision about what to do about something and then remind myself: "Nope.  you're wrong."  I'll feel something really strongly (worthlessness, anxiety, insecurity blah, blah) and want to tell my husband that something he did/said made me sad... then again remind myself: "Nope.  Don't do it. Even everything you feel is wrong.  Because you are wrong.  About everything.  All the time. Yes, the pain is there, (like a woman I know who is missing a leg, but has to take morphine because of the unbearable pain that's not actually there...) but bringing it up will only cause frustration, annoyance, anger and the same response, "you ALWAYS do this!  You ALWAYS get like this!!  You ALWAYS say that!" So I force myself to ignore it. Bury it. Squash it. Fake it. because it's not really there. Because now that I know I'm wrong about everything, I can start training to do/think the right things, or at least appear to do and think them and remember to say nothing.

Once in a museum there was an exhibit about how a whale's eyes work.  To demonstrate what it looks like, there were two mirrors in a 'V' shape you could put in the bridge of your nose.  then you could try to walk around and see what it would be like to see like a whale.  It of course is confusing and makes you dizzy.  But, i bet if one kept them on long enough one could learn to function.

I'm trying to get used to the mirrors folks.  I'm realizing it's the only thing that will work.

Doing a George

I call that doing a George, because there was a Seinfeld episode where George was so tired of screwing up all the time, he decided to do the opposite of whatever he first thought he should do.  Of course, being a sitcom, it didn't really work out.  But it is useful.  I have had those same ideas, while "responding" to my husband (I do not have ADD).  I am frequently "wrong" about what I think is going on (he's being intentionally lazy, messy or mean to me).  So the notion of reconsidering your first response and digging a little deeper can work for all of us.  Best wishes.  

Exactly!

Yes, Gardener I am totally trying to 'do a George!'

I have succeeded in several situations in the last 3 weeks that I never could have before:  Faking enjoying myself at several social events, taking care of all the logistical issues of an outing with 2 small children that lasted 5 hours PLUS pretended it was fun and I think everyone believed me, spent a week with DH's family and didn't break, lose, or f*ck up anything, and this past weekend I drove over 400 miles BY MYSELF with both kids to visit my family and found I a) didn't leave too late b) didn't forget anything significant c) didn't get lost. d) really didn't f*ck anything up at all.

Yay George!