Done having kids?

we have 2 kids, age 4 and 2 and are working on our marriage but after having read a lot of this site, I'm thinking that hope for a normal life is pretty much off the table. I really want another child but I feel like I would be choosing between having another child or preserving my marriage. Even if we are done having kids, there still aren't any guarantees , but I feel like having a third would put a lot of stress on me and our marriage and isn't worth it. It's a sad realization, actually. DH is on add meds and has been for years but still suffers many of the symptoms related to it. We just ordered the couples counseling from the site and I'm hoping it helps. Thoughts?  DH made it clear when we married that he only wanted 2 kids. He certainly hasn't changed his mind 

This is a tough question. Do

This is a tough question. Do you have any concerns for a genetic predisposition for ADHD?

We have two kids, 13 and 10, the youngest is moderately autistic (non verbal, profoundly delayed yet bright in his own way). DH's ADD was diagnosed years after our youngest was diagnosed with autism. I think if I had known sooner about the ADD, I may have been more careful whether or not to bring another child to the family. Had no idea that autism would even be a possibility. I have since then found out there are relations on dh's side with ADD/ADHD and other symptomatic neurology issues. If I had known or even understood the implications... there is a genetic component involved. I am not a scientist but with so much in our family to support it... I would have liked a third child but I couldn't bear to bring in another child who might suffer similar issues

 

 

Well if your DH was upfront

Well if your DH was upfront with you about only having two children, and you've done so, there doesn't seem to be a problem. You married him knowing that and it's come to pass. You're done. It doesn't matter if he has ADHD or otherwise. Should you accidently get pregnant with a third child, then you'll both have to deal with it. Otherwise, it's not worth worrying over. Focus on the kids you have and your marriage. Deciding that a third may stress your marriage is a SMART realization, not a sad one. I'd wager that many "normal" couples have truly stressed out their marriages by having children...and divorces do result. Everyone's got problems.

If it's even consolation, I've been debating the kid thing for a while. I'm 31, we've been married for 5 years, no kids. I was fully aware that his having ADHD may leave me with the brunt of the child care responsibilities and I was honest enough to admit that I wasn't comfortable with that nor did I want kids enough to sacrifice my entire life. I won't lie, there were days where I was resentful, and worried that the decision was being made for me and not by me (not by him). But now as he has gotten progressively better, the conversation has evolved. I think I'm comfortable with having one kid...he would prefer two or three, but let's be honest here, you know?

Good luck with the counseling. My ADHD hubby and I have been seeing a counselor for nearly 18 months and we've come a LONG way. While I have an occasional dark day, we have achieved our own brand of happiness. Don't think of things in terms of a "normal" life--that will only bring you down. I've discovered that comparing our marriage to other people's is a recipe for disaster. Our men many never be thoughtful enough to spontaneously bring us flowers or cook dinner or even remember to load the dishwasher, but there are other times and things that can compensate if we are willing to look for them.

This reply was extremely

This reply was extremely helpful. I get stuck in a place of comparing our marriage to others. Relatives especially are telling me that I shouldn't put up with this or that, Or are constantly giving unsolicited advice and sometimes it gets me down. We certainly deal with things that non-ADHD couples don't have to worry about. DH and I actually had a good honest conversation the other night about the pros and cons to having more and we actually both decided, logically that we should be done. The reason I'm so concerned and want to do something permanent if we are done is that I'm on the pill and have been since our daughter was born and don't want to be anymore. I feel like our options are me get an IUD or him get a vasectomy, which he's fine with. He's pretty much ready to go out and do it the moment I tell him to. :) I want to be done with birth control. Thank you for telling me that it's a smart realization and not a sad one. That's kind of what I always thought even though it makes me a bit sad. We also deal with differences in parenting styles, so I feel like I'm constantly educating him on how to be more patient, peaceful, and positive with our kids, which is a lot of work!

I'm glad that you guys came

I'm glad that you guys came to a mutual decision on the kid thing. Good for you both for being honest and up front. I can totally understand not wanting to be on birth control continuously. It's cool that your hubby is being responsible and wants to take care of things in that regard. I totally feel you on the unsolicited advice. If I had a penny for every time someone has told me, "I don't know how you put up with him" I could take a European vacation! I've learned (though sometimes I don't act like it) that talking to others about our problems may provide me a temporary release but it permanently darkens the view of my hubby for whoever is listening to me. Even those who are good about remaining neutral eventually begin to tire of hearing about my trials with him. It's still so hard to remain quiet sometimes when all you want to do is scream.

I have a good friend who is

I have a good friend who is great at remaining neutral. I talk to her a lot when I need to vent. She's great at not putting him down or making snide comments. That said, I hang out with her but we don't hang out as couples, so she's not really around him ever. That may help! Lol. I also think that my mom and sister take advantage of their husbands a little. Both of their hubby's are very giving and neutral and do a lot and I feel like they take advantage if that sometimes. I could be wrong though and just judging based on what I see. I am trying not to do that and don't make comments because I don't appreciate the judgement either. Anyway thanks for the reply. Overall there is. Level of respect in our marriage that has never been there before and I'm feeling positive about our future for the first time in years. 

Oh and to reply to to the

Oh and to reply to to the first person, yes there could definitely be ADHD present but I started my son off on a gluten free, organic diet and he gets very little processed food, additives or food dyes. The days he has too much sugar or artificial crap are usually the days he has ADHD symptoms. DH and I differ on our opinions about healthy food so it's definitely hard to get him on board with diet being s contributing factor to ADHD but I'm hoping over the years he will see a difference in our children because of their diet and be motivated to make a change. He eats okay if he's home but eats junkier food when he's out. So, my son might be ADHD but I'm being proactive about it and feel its not really an issue at this point. My husbands brother was also diagnosed with ADHD and their 6 year old son was just diagnosed too, but I feel their discipline with him is more the issue then ADHD. Not to say there isn't ADHD there, but I feel a lot of his issues are due to harsh parenting. :(

this is the other reason I think it's a good idea to be done having kids. More kids means more mouths to feed, and I'd probably have to go get a job and wouldn't be able to homeschool like I want to.