The biggest "takeaway" I have gleaned from this site is that you can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. By myself, I have learned to not be so emotional...and that love is not the emotion (which, for me was probably more about need and insecurity and culture) but it is about being cared for and caring. I cried a lot in my early marriage years making myself a victim rather than the person of strength I could have been. I don't know how to fight....didn't want to fight. But I realize now that I am in charge of my self. Maybe it is because our culture today is more supportive of women who can handle themselves more than when I was young - we were expected to be feminine and demure.
To you young couples I give the message — Bring your entire self into the world and into the relationship. If you are afraid to be yourself, you need to find another place to be. Don't be afraid to use your voice and your choices to stand strong...even if you end up standing alone.
I am trying to do this. I lost myself in what I thought was "love" and the rules of the marriage vows (I was told my the minister to "honor and obey", H was not told to "honor and obey") but now I realize I was full of romantic notions of being taken care of and following rules. I wasn't taken care of by H even though I gave my self to him and our marriage. I am realizing that I must be a whole person before I can be in a good relationship.
I think c says very similar things. c calls this having boundaries. I call this having your own voice and giving yourself the permission to speak up and hold strong to your own convictions and good habits.
"Don't complain and live a silently angry life while at the same time continuing to do the very things that make you angry. Don't blame someone else for your failure to stand up for yourself."