Don't even know what I want any more

So I'm new to the site and have been reading many posts and decided I'd finally join and post my story.  My fiance and I have been together for 5 1/2 years.  We have to beautiful children, a girl who's 3 and a boy who's 1.  my DF was recently diagnosed with ADD after I did some research and spoke to him about it.  He's very eager and excited about the possibility of him feeling somewhat "normal" for the first time in his life.  He's always said he feels he's just wired differently. 

Anyway, our relationship started out great just like most others on this site.  In the beginning, we felt this strong connection and he treated me like no one had ever treated me before.  We moved in together and then moved two hours away to another state for a new job he had been offered.  A few months later I became pregnant of my daughter and from then on it's basically been a roller coaster.  When we moved initially I didn't have a job yet so I spent my days cleaning and keeping up with the home, the house was basically spotless.  He loved that because he was raised with a very very clean almost OCD mother and sister and was in the military.  Once I started working, I was working 10-12 hour days and came home to make dinner and do dishes.  We traveled back to see our family almost every weekend so I had very little time to clean as much as he wanted me to.  The fights about the cleanliness were a constant, but he never offered to help.  He would leave to our hometown and would leave me at the apartment without a car to get anywhere and sometimes with barely any food in the fridge, until he decided to get back, until HE was over being mad.  During my pregnancy I got sick with the flu and was basically in bed, he left me once again for a couple of days.  When i felt better we got into a huge fight about it and he hit me because i told him that he wasn't taking care of me or our unborn child.  Then he told me that he hit me because i deserved it.  I left, and after him apologizing and begging and telling me that he would do whatever he needed to control his temper and rage I came back. 

Things got better for a little while but the fights kept coming up about every little thing, my hair in the drain, a dirty spot on the floor, basically anything that he could nitpick about.  He called me names and cursed at me almost every time we fought.  I got pregnant with my son and that pregnancy was basically hell as well.  He's never hit me again but the verbal abuse has never stopped.  I've told him time and time again that I will not tolerate the abusive behavior and it hasn't made a difference.  He denies that he is abusive and says that he thinks it is OK to call someone a name if he believes that it is what they are, or how they're acting at the moment.  He says that i'm not accountable for the things that I do and that he does all of these things because of me.  I once asked him if he would want a man to treat our daughter the way he treats me and he told me that, that would not happen to our daughter because he will make sure that she does not turn out to be like me.  

He is HORRIBLE with handling money.  I taught myself to make cakes when my daughter was born and have become a successful cake decorator.  I literally bust my butt making cakes while staying home with two children and doing all of the chores and handling our bills and finances so that I can always have that little extra cash at hand for when he decides to make bad decisions with his money.  I love what I do but it gets very difficult to do the detailed work that I do while maintaining our home and taking care of our children 24/7 with no help from him or family.  He travels a whole lot for his job so I think that has actually helped.  I actually look forward to his trips because it is when I feel most at peace.  One of our recent fights was about me leaving a couple of pants on my desk chair and the chair was a little dirty since my son had put some yogurt on it.  He basically called me a pig and a slob and said that my lack of hygiene is destroying are relationship.  I told him that since i cook, clean, do dishes, laundry etc etc.  why couldn't he just clean the chair if it bothered him, he said why should he, he's the one working.  So yesterday, in the middle of yet another fight,  I told him that I feel that his ADD, which has been diagnosed, and he's being treated for, is the cause of most of our problems..he blew a gasket and told me that it was the most hurtful thing I've ever said and to go F---- myself and that it was over.   

He is a great father, he really is and I'd love to keep my family together I just know that I can't tolerate the abuse for myself or for my kids and can't help but feeling that maybe this is what I needed because I might not have had the strength to end this myself. ...thank u for reading

abuse

Hello,

I am an ADD female and have also felt 'wired differently' than other people all my life.  but, unlike your husband - and many many other stories on this site - I am not abusive verbally or physically, so I don't really understand how that happens.  Also, ADDers are typically messy/disorganized so it's surprising to me to learn of one that is so militant about a clean house.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  No one should have to deal with this kind of abuse.  I understand you want to keep your family together, but something has to change.  Has he agreed to medication or counseling or anything?

I luckily have not had to deal with an abusive partner ever.  From a very early age, my mother taught me to never, ever tolerate any kind of abuse or inappropriate behavior from anyone, even if someday an adult I knew or relative abused me.  She would tell me nearly EVERY DAY that if anyone touched me, hurt me or verbally abused me to tell her - or a police officer - or anyone in a position of authority nearby if I was in public IMMEDIATELY regardless of ANYTHING the abuser said (promises, apologies, threats).  As I grew up it really stuck with me.  And when you start dating someone there is never any sign at first, but the first time was always the last for me. 

Your kids (especially your daughter) need to learn this too, especially if they hear the fighting.

you are working so hard and dealing with so much - you have to get help.  You mentioned you're 2 hours from family? Can you stay with someone until your husband gets help?  Are you able to talk to him about treatment at all?

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your response,

I've come to a conclusion that he isn't necessarily a clean freak himself, I think he just wants me to be that way because that is what he grew up seeing and that is what he's used to.  He can be messy at times and I just clean after him and don't get upset about it because that's just how I am, If the socks are on the floor, I'll pick them up, end of story.  Also, think about it, our home has to be pretty clean already if the only thing he can point out is a chair with a little yogurt on it or some sugar spilled on the bottom of a cabinet.  It almost seems that he's just trying to find things to shift the blame.  These things ALWAYS come up after I tell him about something irresponsible that he's done, like spending more money than what we have or forgetting to put away the groceries after he decided to wait to go to the grocery store at 1am and the yogurt, milk, and fish sat there in the bags overnight.  He never brings up any of these "cleanliness" issues on his own or when they happen, only when i bring up something to him about him.  I know i'm not perfect and I know that I've just come to expect certain responses and reactions from him because of the past...I know that is not necessarily right, but it's difficult to stop myself from doing that since it usually does happen the way that i expect it to.

I also grew up in a family where abuse was not tolerated and I was definitely taught an early age that I shouldn't allow any man to treat me this way.  I have three older brothers and obviously my father in my life and none of them are like that.  My brother is very respectful and understanding and just very laid back (total opposite of my DF).  I'm not sure why I've stayed this long despite the unacceptable behavior.  I guess I've just always had hope that with him being the intelligent man that he is, he would be capable of seeing the severity of these issues.  From what I know about his father (who passed away before we met) his father most likely had ADD as well and was also abusive.  His mother left him when DF was only 3 and married another man that was never abusive or disrespectful towards her.  His mother says she doesn't understand where he learned it or gets it from.  His family never curses and they're actually very responsible, organized people.

He is being treated right now for his ADD, he started out with some generic form of Ritalin, starts with an M, that one didn't seem to do anything so the doctor prescribed another one and he's been taking it.  The problem is that even though he does believe that he has ADD, he doesn't seem to think that it is the main cause of our problems.  I guess what pissed him off about that is that he thinks I'm just blaming him and that I think I'm perfect.

I've left a couple of times to stay with my family and it has never worked out,  unfortunately, my family is not in a situation where they can take me in and somehow it always turns out that I end up putting myself and my kids in a very uncomfortable, almost unsafe situation.  That last time we spoke, he said that it was over and that we can still live together until we figure out where i can go that the kids will be comfortable.  I know that everything I've been through with him is just not "right" and maybe I should've left a long time ago but my heart is breaking every time I look at my kids faces because they LOVE their dad.

Sadly that love they have for their dad

is what is confusing them/will confuse them when they realize how this man (who they love) treats you (who they also love) in a relationship where you both say you 'love' each other.  They will never grow up with a healthy view of marriage or love as long as they grow up in the situation they are currently in.  I am sooooo sorry that you are going through this, but you HAVE TO TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION to nip this behavior in the bud!

Your fiance is horrifically defensive.  He doesn't want to admit that he does the things that you point out he is doing.  He can't dispute what he did, so he is trying to deflect the attention away from hearing about another mistake (even though he needs to do something to prevent this kind of thing from continueing to happen).  He really is scraping the bottom of the barrel in coming up with things to complain about you about :(   This is actually something that is fairly common here as far as male reactions to ADD.  You mention a problem, he has to find out something to point out that you are doing wrong so that he isn't 'the problem'.  When the fact of the matter is, the ADD and each of your reactions to it is what is causing at least some of the problems in your relationship--the abuse needs to be dealt with first before this part can be dealt with.

You absolutely CANNOT and SHOULD NOT stay in the situation that you are in.  It will be no time before he back tracks on his 'its over' but you should be the one to carry it through if and until he gets the help he needs to see his abuse and then his ADD for what it is.  Once he can make that leap and see that he really is causing unacceptable problems in your relationship, you MAY have some type of hope to rebuild.

I don't have experience with any type of abuse, but my ADD husband also tended to get defensive when things were originally pointed out.  None of us like to hear things we need to work on, but the fact of the matter is that we ALL have things we need to work on and have to learn to ask for and accept helpful feedback.  All of us can work on how we deliver it, but it is not acceptable that your husband refuses to take it.  It isn't really admitting ADD if he denies that he causes any problems with his symptoms.

I can tell you that we do teach people how to treat us.  My husband seldom gets that defensive attitude with me now because he starts I immediately tell him to back himself up and look at the situation.  If he feels upset with himself about making a mistake, I support that, but l will not accept him getting defensive with me about something he is doing.  We are both working on just accepting our part in any argument/problem and moving on.  You finace will never get to that point if you don't start drawing some lines in the sand......you just don't have healthy boundaries with him and he feels free to act like a jerk whenever he gets in the mood because he knows you care about him and will take it, and most importantly it will divert you from what he did.

If you go ahead and marry him while he is treating you this way, he will NOT improve.  It doesn't matter if he loves you when he doesn't respect you or what you are contributing to the family.  He thinks he is doing everything--this isn't that uncommon but you need some outside help to make him see that he isn't carrying the full load while you do nothing.   For some reason many ADD mates feel like they do way more than their partners.  I can't count how many times I've heard how stunned they are when they find out really it is their mate keeping their lives and families together--they usually need an OUTSIDE COUNSELOR to point this out.  

For some reason while they love their mates, they just can't believe what their mate is saying when their reality is different.  I question your husband's love because I don't believe love is ever abusive, but you can certainly give it a chance in counselling if you choose to once you are out of the situation and with firm rules in place as far as what is ever going to happen if you do get back together.

GET OUT NOW!!!!  Get yourself some help to set healthy boundaries, and when he comes around again (which he almost definitely will do) evaluate with a counselor what needs to happen to get your children into a safe/secure situation to grow up into healthy adults with healthy views of love and relationships.

I am sorry this is so hard for you.  Do it for your kids :(

omg..i don't even know how to thank you

Thank you thank you, I know this is exactly what I need to hear.  I know that he will continue to behave this way as long as I stay with him and show him that I will forgive him time and time again.  I think it is time for me move on from this and live like a normal human being again and show my children that this is not the way to live your life or to treat others.