I've been married for almost 14 yrs & I am EXHAUSTED! From the very beginning, I have had to take care of my husband. His mom constantly nagged me to make sure he got up for work, ate, slept, whatever! She said if he lost his job, then we would be left on the streets, yada, yada. My MIL made it my responsibility to make sure he didn't screw up. Anyway, I did what she told me to do & endured the worst loneliness while he focused on himself. Early in our marriage, he was going through schooling & I went through 2 pregnancies by myself. The first one was complicated, yet he did not come to the appointments. The 2nd one I went into premature labor but he stayed home to play video games. He was terribly addicted to internet video games while I took care of the 2 kids less than 2 yrs. apart in age. I went through the worst 7 years of my life going to school with 1 infant & 1 toddler, taking care of my husband's needs, & everything else in the marriage. One of our children has life-threatening allergies & I have to make sure she makes her appointments & doesn't eat anything that may kill her. My husband never seems to get how serious it all is.
I've had to do it all. I mow the entire lawn. One time I couldn't get the mower started & woke him up to start it. He started it & left to go back to bed while I mowed the entire lawn which is a third of an acre. I also do all the grocery shopping even though his work is only minutes from the store. I take the kids to all their appointments and activities. In the meantime, I was working full-time as well.
I have tried to sit down with my husband to get him to help out at home. I told him to pick 4 things he could help me out with & had him write them down. He picked: 1. Take the trash out 2. Clean one bathroom every other week 3. Do one load of laundry 4. Vacuum every other week
Well, he could only do one task and it was only if I reminded him with notes. This was to take out the trash. Sometimes he'd take out the trash, but not put it on the curb. Other times, he would not take out the trash & I'd have to rush out in my pjs to take the trash out before the garbage truck came to our house. My husband insists that he can remember to take out the trash on his own, but as soon as I stopped putting up notes, we had overflowing trash!
I know this sounds terrible, but I really want someone I can call my EQUAL. I feel like I am neglected & just an after-thought. I have told my husband that I don't feel loved, or that my feelings are safe, or that I feel like he cares. We've been to counseling which was short-lived. I've even been by myself & the counselor was almost in tears hearing my story. She summed it up right by saying he is so consumed with his life and hobbies and that I wish I and the kids were one of those hobbies. We just aren't.
It breaks my heart to think that this is how my life will be until I die! I can't live like this! My husband even wants a dog and another child. What?! I have THREE children and no husband. Well, that's how I feel.
I am sick of constantly reminding him of things that need to be done. We moved recently & our yard is the size of a little patio. We live in base housing now. Yet, he could never mow that little patch of grass. I had to do it most of the time. He will use the oversized grill, but never clean it. I have to do that. He won't wash his truck, so I finally did. He doesn't get any oil changes done, doesn't get the vehicle inspections or registration. I am doing it all. He is bringing home a paycheck & that is basically it.
I can do this on my own. When he deploys I can breathe easier, well not really, because he is in a war zone & that is another story :( but as far as taking care of the household & not having to do his laundry, wake him up every morning, or make him meals, I feel like a weight is lifted. I have been taking care of all the bills, do the taxes, & make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Whenever we go to pre-deployment briefs, that is such a joke. They talk about what the wife will now have to do while her husband is gone. Umm, well, I've already been doing that for as long as we've been married! There is absolutely no break for me!
For my 34th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I asked my husband for a nice meal out & a movie. It didn't happen. He took a nap & by the time he woke up, it was past our reservation. I am tired of all the disappointments. Even when I ask for things I'd like for special occasions--it rarely happens.
Today, was the last straw. He just left for deployment & asked me to get the oil changed in his truck. So I am driving it to the auto place when I notice it has no gas. The gauge was below the 'E' & when I looked at the sensor, I see that the miles before empty is already at ZERO! I quickly repark his truck, get into my car, go to the gas station to get one gal of gas, but by the time I leave to go get the oil changed, the place can no longer do the service without me waiting the entire day at the station. So I have to reschedule to have it done.
This is not the first time he has left me with a vehicle with no gas. You would think he would refill it before deploying, but of course, he knows, I'll do that! I feel like I am taken for granted & when I tell him how angry I am to be put in that kind of situation, he laughs! He says, "I love you!" and then laughs again like this is some kind of sick joke. What if I had the kids in the truck with me & we got stuck on the busy road? What then??
What it boils down to is that I can't leave notes or tell him to do things because he gets mad if I do. Yet if I don't, it won't get done. He will make up every excuse not to do something. He's either tired or will do it later. Never happens. I am left doing it all. I want a break. I want to feel like he cares & will actually do something to help me out!! He gets mad when the kids leave their things out, yet it's acceptable for him to leave his things out!! Double standard.
Oh, & he can't take medication. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with ADD, but his family & I are convinced that he has it. When you talk to him he zones out! He is in the military & would be kicked out if he took medication, especially in his line of work. So, here's my choice: stay & put up with it while I SUFFER or make him get out, get help, & we'll start over new. I have already talked to him about getting out because I don't know how much longer I can hang on.
Well, guess what? He decided to put in for 9 more years. What now? I want it to work & have bought TONS of books for us to read. I just don't know what more can I do? No medication, no behavior modification, nothing...
I would leave
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
re:cinderella
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
To reallytired
Submitted by Steph on
I feel your pain and anguish. Are you still in counseling for yourself? I hope you are as that will help you to express your feelings in a nurturing and safe environment without being judged. You must take care of yourself for your own well being and for your children as well.
What a "gift" that your husband is deployed! (I know that you are worried about his safety however, and rightfully so. I'm not discounting that fear) Now while he is gone you get a little break from looking after another child (that is exactly how I see my husband-as a child) and you also get a taste of how life can be without him. How long will he be deployed for? I do think it is a great opportunity for you to see if you are happier without him. You may find the opposite is true. Just take advantage of this time, take care of yourself and just see how you feel. Listen to your heart. Feelings don't lie. Things happen in life for a reason-seize this opportunity to see what your heart tells you, then go from there.
Best wishes, stay strong, pray and keep writing to us!
Husband Won't Do Anything
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are doing WAY TOO MUCH around your household. Can't change that now that your husband is deployed, but when he gets back your job should be to NOT do his job. Next time he asks you to take his truck in for an oil change you say "I'm sorry, I can't take care of your truck and the kids and everything else I have to do. Why don't you schedule it for a weekend when you are around?" Next time you are tempted to wash his truck because it's too dirty, DON'T! When you take on the responsibility for writing a note for him you let him off the hook...he will never learn to do it himself if you do it for him.
It's unfortunate that your mother-in-law viewed it as her job to meet his every whim...but just because she did doesn't mean you need to do so. You are right, you can't take this any more - and shouldn't have to. Figure out where your boundaries are and stick to them, else you will most certainly be divorced and STILL responsible for all of this stuff (but with less money to support you). Don't stay in this marriage just to stay married - your mental health and sanity are too important for that but DO try a different tack first. Give him back responsibility for himself in a firm, but loving manner. Stop babying him. Either he'll adjust and start to take responsibility or you'll end up breaking up...but you already know that continuing in the pattern you are currently in is a dead end. You can't control him and his actions at all, but you can control your own. TIme to take charge of your life by NOT taking charge of his.
In the meantime, take advantage of any services that the camp may have to support women who have to do it all while their husbands are out. Just because you've already been doing it all doesn't mean you shouldn't take advantage of support that might exist if there is any. And, also, I would recommend you consider getting some professional therapy to help you figure out how you're going to stand your ground in the future and why it's important that you do so.
Good luck with it, and keep us posted (so to speak)!
Laziness vs. ADD
Submitted by Sueann on
I feel for you. You are in an impossible situation. I'd leave if I were you. It doesn't sound as if he gets the concept of an EQUAL. His mother sent him the message that women are on earth to take care of his needs. You really need to get counseling (together and for you) if you are going to learn to break this pattern. If he wont change, and decide to leave, I'm sure the military would garnish his check so you'd get child support
You need to distinguish ADD from laziness. Your husband sounds more like a lazy male chauvinist pig than a person with ADD, although he's probably both. Hyperfocusing on videogames can be ADD, but starting the lawnmower and then going back to bed sounds like pure laziness and selfishness. What would his commanding officer do if he pulled that kind of stunt while he was at work? God help us, if that's the way the military works. (or doesn't)
You've trained him that whatever he doesn't do, you'll do. If you want to stay with him, make him be responsible. Don't mow the lawn (while he's stateside) and let the base-housing people come down on him. You're a civilian, they can't do anything to you. Maybe cook for you and the kids, and tell him if he wants any dinner, he'll have to cook it. Don't do his laundry. He's shown he's capable of working, try to find ways to make him. Don't have another baby or get a dog unless you want one. (Sounds like you'd get more out of the dog than out of him.)
I wish you all the best. It sounds like you need it.
To "Don't Feel Taken Care Of"
Submitted by marsha5 on
Your stress level sounds so high that going on like this cannot possibly be good for your health or for the quality of your life and your children's life. You have done everything humanly possible to keep your family together, but you are doing it alone. If you continue like this you will experience a much more intense exhaustion that is more like a medical burn-out, which -- believe me -- is serious. I know that kind of exhaustion and that kind of loneliness. I think that you really need a radical new approach that works for you and your children. Try to see if there is a CHADD group near you and try to attend the meetings. Take notes on the things that strike you as possibly helping, and start a list of them. Keep the list posted on your fridge and look at it often. Try to incorporate one new idea at a time, and think of it as an experiment. It takes a lot of practice to learn a new behavior. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are enabling the situation. You absolutely MUST learn to say "No." If it takes practicing saying this in the mirror, then do that. You may be afraid of what will happen, but you will be surprised at what can happen, also. It will take some getting used to for your husband as well (and apparently his mother, as well!). About all his napping, it sounds to me like your husband may possibly have some kind of sleep disorder. When he comes home, insist that he have a sleep study done. Rule out sleep apnea or anything else that may be interrupting his nightly sleep or circadian rhythm. Please take care of yourself. I am rooting for you!!!
Thanks for your replies
Submitted by reallytired on
Thanks to all of you whom have taken the time to write back to me. I felt really guilty even writing all that & I don't know why. It's like if I write it down then it's true. I know that sounds weird, but I guess I have been in survivor mode & did not want to think about how bad it has become. I do find that a weight has been lifted since he left & I feel at peace. I am almost dreading when he gets back because all of our problems will come back with a vengeance. I always end up feeling resentful because I have given up so much and it doesn't seem like a big deal to him.
When I have left things for him to do, they do not get done. When I ask if he will do it, he will guilt-trip me about how long his week has been & how his weekends should be for relaxing--not cleaning or doing things around the house. He will get very angry that I even ask about things that need to be done.
There have actually been times when I did not do his laundry due to his attitude towards me & the kids and let me tell you, that stack took up half the laundry room! He went through his entire wardrobe before he actually did his own laundry. I refused to do it. I even stopped getting up in the mornings to make him breakfast before work. I still think that I still do way too much, as many of you have mentioned, but I have been putting the brakes on certain things. I do find myself starting to do his laundry when he is nicer to me & lo and behold, I start feeling taken for granted where he starts expecting his laundry to be done again. I think I will now (when he gets back) make it his responsibility from now on. I will not touch another piece of his clothing from this point on.
I did make a long list of things I wanted to be different as far as his attitude & helping around the house goes. I am going to make it very clear that I am at a crossroads & if he is unwilling to meet me halfway, then I will go with the kids on my own. I mean, really, I am doing it alone now. What would be different?
Btw, I have almost filed for divorce more times than I can count. I have even left for several days just to see if he cared--he didn't. :( He was too busy playing video games to even notice. Actually, I think he even enjoyed the fact that I was gone because I wasn't there to ask him when he was coming to bed or do things around the house. To his credit, he recently gave up video games & admitted that they were controlling his life BUT he has now replaced that hobby with many more. So even though, it's not video games now, it's other hobbies that are taking precedence.
I am not currently in counseling but I am considering going while he is gone just to get my head straight. I am thinking about going to a type of therapy called IMAGO. I just want to stop all this now & make sure I am thinking clearly if and when the time actually comes that I will start a brand new life. I am just tired of feeling like an after-thought.
Right before he deployed he spent hours finding things to buy & sell. All those hours that he 'claimed' he didn't have after work to help around the house or just spend time with the family in general. I was so sad to see that he really can make time for things he thinks are important, but it is so heartbreaking when I see over & over that his family just happen to be not so important. :(
Thanks again for all your thoughts. I really do appreciate it!
Oh Boy....
Submitted by Galadriel (not verified) on
I can understand both of your
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
military
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Work issues - don't go to military
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It isn't the job of any partner to go into a spouse's workplace and talk about personal ssues at home. That is crossing the lines between "professional life" and "home life" and is big-time interference. Please don't interfere with your husband's career. If he feels that he needs to talk with someone then he should make those decisions and do it himself. In the meantime, if you need help you should seek it in a way that steers clear of his job.
Hi, I have tried talking to him
Submitted by reallytired on
There is a lot more to my story, but basically, superiors have noticed that it is hard for him to follow-through on things because he will come home & complain about it. I always bite my tongue & don't respond because the few times that I made it known to my husband that I could see his superiors' point of view, he lashed out at me & could not believe I was taking 'their' side. All I really wanted him to realize was that he has a pattern of doing the same things at home. Anyway, he loves what he does in the military, but does not like taking directions. He will follow them, though, just because of the consequences if he did not follow them. My husband is quite surprised that he has lasted this long in the military. I think it's because of the specialty that he is in. He has an intense interest in what he does, but not necessarily the military lifestyle in general.
When he is at home, he is the same way. He can focus on his interests, but not necessarily anything else. He will research & find the best guitar, bike, computer, etc. He is also the type that is never happy with whatever he buys & will feel the need to get something better or return what he bought to get something else. He is constantly engrossed in his hobbies & will stay up late at night researching the latest & greatest 'must have' item, meanwhile neglecting his family. To give you an example, right before he deployed (a month before), he decided to start a side business of selling things. So when he came home, he would spend the entire time he was awake ordering things, advertising them on Craigslist, & then talking to people on the phone & meeting with them to sell. It didn't matter that he was leaving in 4 weeks & that his family wanted to spend time with him. All he was concerned about was selling things he had bought at a profit. I was so sad because this was how he decided to spend his last days with us. Then when it was time to say bye, he wondered why we were cold & distant (me & the children). I had been begging him to stop this side business & spend time with us. I felt so rejected & had tried telling him my feelings several times. His family had even come over to visit & I told him this 'side-business' had to stop, especially since his family was here visiting. So he stopped briefly & as soon as they left, he was back to his business. I asked him why he was still doing this business when he was leaving & told him how sad I felt that he chose to do this vs. spending quality time with the family. His response was, you said not to do the business while my family was in town. I told him that me & the girls were his family too, & that we wanted to spend time with him. His response was, "I thought you'd be proud that I made money". So, I'm not sure what is going on in his head. His priorities are not family which is what bothers me the most. We're just there while he does whatever makes HIM happy.
Oh, & I would never go to his superiors. To me, it would be betraying my husband, but it also would be career-suicide for him. We did try to see a counselor before which was short-lived. He will try to do what the counselor says, but then is back to his old ways. So...we'll see what happens when he gets back from deployment. Hopefully, it will be better, although I say that every single time. For some reason, he only seems to change when I am packing my suitcase & ready to get a divorce.
Hi, I have never posted on a
Submitted by desperate (not verified) on
Dear Desperate I'am sorry for
Submitted by optomistic on
Dear Desperate
I'am sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you keep coming to this site and write to us it will help to let it out. Please know that you are not alone with what you are dealing with. May I please comment on some things you wrote?
"For the past 10 years I have been disabled and those years have been a nightmare. I have a condition similar to MS and can no longer take care of things"
I also have a condition from a car accident 23 yrs ago. I was thrown out of my car because a lady pulled out in front of me. I had body lash so bad that I developed fibromyalsia. So when you have a condition like what you have I can understand and that it is a hard thing and it can make you angry all itself . Now add on all the other stuff you are dealing with its enormouse. When you write " I feel paralyzed and extremely angry. " Anger can make you paralyzed it is not good and I would really encourage you to get some help to talk to someone. I have a adhd/depression and alcoholic husband and I developed so much anger that this past summer I ended up in the hospital for 4 days. I had a breakdown but staying at the hospital was very helpful for me. The doctor told me with all that I had on my plate that it he could understand why I had a emotional breakdown. I also learned alot about boundaries which was so helpful and I would recommend you read melissas article on it. If you get angry about the house being filthy that doesn't do any good except make you more ill. Boundaries help you to let go and understand that at times there really is nothing you can do about it.Once you get there then its helpful to maybe think that now you can try to find a solution instead of getting angry about it. Does that make sense? Sometimes we get in a rut and its hard to see past the mess. Anyway maybe you can find a support group if you don't have one because it will help you to talk to others with the same issues. You also wrote that you have come to hate him and just dream of ending it all. Forgiveness is very crucial and I know its hard to do at times but it so HEALTHY to do. All hate does is make you bitter its like a poison. to end it all" is that about your marriage or your own life? I'am glad you have your daughter. I have 4 children and they are such a blessing to me. I'am currently seperated from my husband and can see so much clearer now. I have people I know tell me I look different They say I have a glow to my cheeks. I do feel so much happier. Adhd can be difficult on both sides. But for me my boundary right now is to be away from my husband. I'am not telling you to do that but its what happened. well I just wrote these things to encourage you.(at least I hope it did) Please deal with yourself first instead of with everyone else. I will be praying for you God bless!!!!
P.s. I too have many animals and they are part of the family.
reply to optomistic
Submitted by desperate on
I love the contrast in our names. I have spent some time reading this forum and I too am feeling more optomistic. I am going to try to stop thinking how he is not helping and think of how I can help myself more. I realize that that may sound kind of simplistic, but it is true that it is easier to blame than look for solutions. I think just reaching out on this site has been a great start. Thank you for all your helpful comments and I wish you well in your journey. It sounds like you are finding your way!!
reply to reallytired-I have tried talking to him
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Hi,
Sorry for your situation. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. Many of your problems are very similiar to many of us. Please do what is best for you and your children. Throwing the responsibility of many things back to him, when he returns, will set you free. Keep your faith and hope strong.
For ReallyTired
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
What you are describing are classic ADD symptoms, and classic misinterpretations of those symptoms. You've also got a bit of macho male tossed in for good measure. Here's what I mean. The getting an idea to sell stuff online all of a sudden, and the energy he put into it has ADD written all over it. It's fast paced, exciting, is on the computer, etc. He got completely hyperfocused on it (also ADD) and everything else didn't exist. It's unfortunate that you were "everything else". Hyperfocus, according to Dr. Hallowell, isn't something that can be turned on and off. It just happens when it does. Best way to deal with it is recognize it for what it is - a temporary (if irritating in this case) state. What it isn't is a comment on his feelings about you or your family. It's also not a comment on whether or not he would have valued being with you. He just got distracted from being with you. ADD again.
And the macho male thing - many (dare I say most?) men measure a good part of their self worth in terms of how they provide for their families. He was about to leave you. Somewhere inside him he's wondering how he's going to provide for you...his answer with the sale may have been misguided, but perhaps you can think more gently about it now that you see that side of it. Your fears, on the other hand, were that you weren't going to see him again for a long while...this mismatch of fears and then mismatch of how you were dealing with them can be resolved with some careful conversations in your future after he's back again. In the meantime, you would do well to forgive him. He didn't make the choice that would have pleased you most, but he did make a choice with you in mind. He does care about you, but the two of you need more help in learning how to talk to each other to really get across what you need and want and why.
I'm going to suggest that you read a book that will give you some specific ideas about how to share your needs and your issues. One of the tricks it suggests is taking time to talk in a specific way (described in the book) without trying to solve any specific problems. Taking this time to just discuss gives you much more opportunity to understand where the other is coming from, which I think might benefit you both. It's not too onerous, and you've got some issues that are big enough that it will be worth taking the time to do it. Should smooth things out considerably, I'm guessing. The book is Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg.
As for why he changes when you pack your bags - it's because you get his full attention. But there are more constructive (and less destructive) ways to do so. Turn the tables around. If he packed his bags, would that make you feel more secure in your relationship? Would it make you wish to take risks (in the way that an ADD person must to permanently improve his symptoms?) And if he did it to you repeatedly, would you continue to believe that threat, or any others he made? Please, for your own sake, develop more productive ways of communicating your unhappiness to him than that. Otherwise you risk getting written off as "hysterical", etc.
I think I needed to hear that
Submitted by reallytired on
Thanks for saying that he really does care about me. I often don't feel that he does, so it makes me feel better when you say that he does! I actually see a glimmer of hope that things can change. He definitely can be the ultimate 'macho male'--always wanting to show off his latest skill or hobby. I guess I just have to change the way I think & see that he really isn't try to shut me out. I think that he does love me in his own way or maybe I should say he says he loves me, but isn't good at showing it. I hope this book you have recommended can help me sort it all out. I have felt so down thinking about all of it & I want to have a real relationship that is both loving & functional. I have until August before he comes back & I'd like to have a good understanding of how to make our relationship better before then! Thanks for your input.
The best advice my mother,
Submitted by Sharon C (not verified) on
I am also at the end of my rope with my military husband
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on