Don't feel taken care of

I've been married for almost 14 yrs & I am EXHAUSTED! From the very beginning, I have had to take care of my husband. His mom constantly nagged me to make sure he got up for work, ate, slept, whatever! She said if he lost his job, then we would be left on the streets, yada, yada. My MIL made it my responsibility to make sure he didn't screw up. Anyway, I did what she told me to do & endured the worst loneliness while he focused on himself. Early in our marriage, he was going through schooling & I went through 2 pregnancies by myself. The first one was complicated, yet he did not come to the appointments. The 2nd one I went into premature labor but he stayed home to play video games. He was terribly addicted to internet video games while I took care of the 2 kids less than 2 yrs. apart in age. I went through the worst 7 years of my life going to school with 1 infant & 1 toddler, taking care of my husband's needs, & everything else in the marriage. One of our children has life-threatening allergies & I have to make sure she makes her appointments & doesn't eat anything that may kill her. My husband never seems to get how serious it all is.

I've had to do it all. I mow the entire lawn. One time I couldn't get the mower started & woke him up to start it. He started it & left to go back to bed while I mowed the entire lawn which is a third of an acre. I also do all the grocery shopping even though his work is only minutes from the store. I take the kids to all their appointments and activities. In the meantime, I was working full-time as well.

I have tried to sit down with my husband to get him to help out at home. I told him to pick 4 things he could help me out with & had him write them down. He picked: 1. Take the trash out 2. Clean one bathroom every other week 3. Do one load of laundry 4. Vacuum every other week

Well, he could only do one task and it was only if I reminded him with notes. This was to take out the trash. Sometimes he'd take out the trash, but not put it on the curb. Other times, he would not take out the trash & I'd have to rush out in my pjs to take the trash out before the garbage truck came to our house. My husband insists that he can remember to take out the trash on his own, but as soon as I stopped putting up notes, we had overflowing trash!

I know this sounds terrible, but I really want someone I can call my EQUAL. I feel like I am neglected & just an after-thought. I have told my husband that I don't feel loved, or that my feelings are safe, or that I feel like he cares. We've been to counseling which was short-lived. I've even been by myself & the counselor was almost in tears hearing my story. She summed it up right by saying he is so consumed with his life and hobbies and that I wish I and the kids were one of those hobbies. We just aren't.

It breaks my heart to think that this is how my life will be until I die! I can't live like this! My husband even wants a dog and another child. What?! I have THREE children and no husband. Well, that's how I feel.

I am sick of constantly reminding him of things that need to be done. We moved recently & our yard is the size of a little patio. We live in base housing now. Yet, he could never mow that little patch of grass. I had to do it most of the time. He will use the oversized grill, but never clean it. I have to do that. He won't wash his truck, so I finally did. He doesn't get any oil changes done, doesn't get the vehicle inspections or registration. I am doing it all. He is bringing home a paycheck & that is basically it.

I can do this on my own. When he deploys I can breathe easier, well not really, because he is in a war zone & that is another story :(  but as far as taking care of the household & not having to do his laundry, wake him up every morning, or make him meals, I feel like a weight is lifted. I have been taking care of all the bills, do the taxes, & make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Whenever we go to pre-deployment briefs, that is such a joke. They talk about what the wife will now have to do while her husband is gone. Umm, well, I've already been doing that for as long as we've been married! There is absolutely no break for me!

For my 34th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I asked my husband for a nice meal out & a movie. It didn't happen. He took a nap & by the time he woke up, it was past our reservation. I am tired of all the disappointments. Even when I ask for things I'd like for special occasions--it rarely happens.

Today, was the last straw. He just left for deployment & asked me to get the oil changed in his truck. So I am driving it to the auto place when I notice it has no gas. The gauge was below the 'E' & when I looked at the sensor, I see that the miles before empty is already at ZERO! I quickly repark his truck, get into my car, go to the gas station to get one gal of gas, but by the time I leave to go get the oil changed, the place can no longer do the service without me waiting the entire day at the station. So I have to reschedule to have it done.

This is not the first time he has left me with a vehicle with no gas. You would think he would refill it before deploying, but of course, he knows, I'll do that! I feel like I am taken for granted & when I tell him how angry I am to be put in that kind of situation, he laughs! He says, "I love you!" and then laughs again like this is some kind of sick joke. What if I had the kids in the truck with me & we got stuck on the busy road? What then??

What it boils down to is that I can't leave notes or tell him to do things because he gets mad if I do. Yet if I don't, it won't get done. He will make up every excuse not to do something. He's either tired or will do it later. Never happens. I am left doing it all. I want a break. I want to feel like he cares & will actually do something to help me out!! He gets mad when the kids leave their things out, yet it's acceptable for him to leave his things out!! Double standard.

Oh, & he can't take medication. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with ADD, but his family & I are convinced that he has it. When you talk to him he zones out! He is in the military & would be kicked out if he took medication, especially in his line of work. So, here's my choice: stay & put up with it while I SUFFER or make him get out, get help, & we'll start over new. I have already talked to him about getting out because I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

Well, guess what? He decided to put in for 9 more years. What now? I want it to work & have bought TONS of books for us to read. I just don't know what more can I do? No medication, no behavior modification, nothing...