Don't know how to express my needs in a way that doesn't disrespect

It's been a while since I posted. Been having quite a hard time recently in my relationship. I am now married (2 yes) but things not going well. I have ADHD my partner does not. She is extremely supportive nearly all the time but there are certain things I cannot bear at all and my being unable to bear them is really causing problems. These are issues for when medicated and uneducated but without drugs I just can't *do* anything about them.

I cannot bear it when my wife points out that I did something incorrectly or am not applying coping mechanisms to mitigate my symptoms. I just can't bear her to be talking about the pain I cause her, this isn't that I can't bear causing her pain (any more, although it used to be)  it is that I can't bear *my* pain with being told she didn't like what I did. I didn't mean to do those things at the time or if I did I didn't think through the ramifications even when its the 30, 40th, 124th time.


Many people have described the coping mechanism: 1. apologise, 2. acknowledge what you have done wrong, and 3. leave the situation to go and think about the particulars of what you alone did and how you could have responded better.

I am having real problems with step 2 if it involves either listening to my wife express the depth of what I have done on her feelings or it being necessary for me to acknowledge at the time that what I did was actually wrong.

At the time any 'uncorrectness' is pointed out to me I genuinely don't think she should be getting upset with me about it and therefore have a hard time being in any way remorseful about what I have done (at the time).

My wife has mentioned if I would just show some remorse about what I did rather than being hurt by her mentioning it she probably would be less likely to feel the need to make it very clear, at length, exactly why what I did was wrong.

The arguments are getting prolonged and I see no way of being able to stop them when they happen.

This is killing me, I'm really in despair over this and don't know what to do. I love my wife and do not want to be repeatedly hurting her - or I need even once. But how can I get her to understand that once in an argument is it very, difficult for me to appreciate the consequences of my actions on her and even more difficult for me to say that her emotional response to me is correct - because it hurts me.


I can even see that I'm being a bit of an add he here but I really don't know what to do?