Don't want to be alone for the Christmas.

My ADHD husband is crazy! I am so focused on work and my kids that I don't have any room for any sad moments or any chaos right now,is that so hard for him to comprehend?

He is selfish and only thinks of himself. If I am having a stress day at home or work or if my kids did something wrong to up set me he wants nothing to do with that,and really it's the emotional support I am looking for nothing else,and I don't have that PERIOD!!! His days are more important and his career and mines is what ruining our relationship according to him.I have to take care of my kids and I can't live with him because my business is at home and I have all and every thing going my way and that have him very very insecure and jealous.In a nut shell he is claiming to be a perfect husband and I am a bad wife because I can't live with him.I have news for him,I DON'T want to live with him because he is always,DEPRESS,ANXIOUS,JEALOUS,MOODY,ANGRY,CRAZY,DELUSIONAL,MYSTERIOUS,AND VERY VERY SECRETIVE.

I f we have a bad fall out for something,he would jump in his car and go to work and sometimes stay until 10 at nights and when I asked him he would say"I was working",and when he don't answer his phone for four hours at a time and more he would say "because I was upset with you today and I don't want to answer your calls".So then why only answer it when you reach at home and not before,He brings insecurities to the table and today when I questioned his whereabouts he says to me that I am interrogating him.

I am no fool,looks like I am to still be with him,after the holidays I am calling it off.

I am filing for divorce.

lovehurts.

Lovehurts, You won't be alone

Lovehurts,

You won't be alone at Christmas--you have your kids and your mother, right? Don't allow this man to ruin what should be a joyous holiday for you and your loved ones. You deserve so much more than what you are getting; don't continue to give him the power over you. At least file for a separation now; you seem to always talk yourself out of taking action, but enough is enough. This man doesn't want to change. I am virulently pro-marriage and anti-divorce, but this man is using and abusing you. Take care of yourself and your kids and don't worry about him anymore.

 

you can do it

lovehurts,

I know that you have been going through this cycle for a long time. dazed is right: you have your children and your mother--you are not alone! There are times when there are simply problems and both people in the marriage need to work hard to fix them. And then there are times when the marriage may be abusive and unhealthy (which from your previous posts, it sounds like yours is). I am here to tell you--

I am moving today. After 15 years with my STBX, and over 10 years of marriage. I didn't want to be alone, either. I am also pro- keeping a marriage together if it can be done. I hate that 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. But one day I realized that I wasn't just living with ADHD, I was living with abuse. And that my children deserved to see a healthy mother and relationship. And that I had them, and my mother and sister, and I wasn't alone, at all! 

My friends are going to be here to pack up the truck at 1. I filed for a separation. It wasn't easy, but I know it was the right thing. I think your gut is telling you that it may be the right thing for you. You can do it! I already feel relieved and ten years younger. I get to have a life now. 

Hang in there. Let us know how it goes. 

it was the most horrible weekend of my life.

I would not say much because I don't want to get up set writing it out and having to remind myself of what a hostage I have become in my marriage,but I would say this,I have had enough,and there is no changing my mind I have to move forward soon.

The man is CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY,!!!!!! An example of (one) of the many chaos that took place over the weekend,Friday night to be exact.H e was so upset at my son for doing something that cost me a financial burden,right,...I fixed that already with my son,after all it's my son.I told my husband many times that I don't want MY kids in our relationship because then we would end up in fights all the time because he gives my a very strong feeling that he jalousies my kids and I know it's a fact,he does. I have seen where my kids make him feel as if I gave them all my attention and not him,I know how that sounds,crazy ain't it.

He hates the fact when I show them more attention than him.What a freak!

so after my son did this mistake to piss me off I handled it and moved on ,forgot about it and I thought that maybe it was not an issue since it is (my child) and not his.

wow!!!! over the weekend my son sent me a I love you text while I was by my husband and I told him because he asked me who was that,when I told him it was my son and how wonderful it is for him to send me that,my husband went ballistic,he was screaming and yelling to the top of his voice and I quote:"what the F--k he sending you that I love you text for,he should show it not tell"end quote:,I was in a horrible state of shock after that,I told him"oh come on,he was trying to cheer me up after the problem he caused last week,and besides he is my son,so I am happy he did that,made me feel better:,he said to me quote:"fu-k him,he is a fu-k up,he only fu-ki-g up his life,I hate that fuc--ng kid"end quote:

I am lost in my mind and in my thoughts over thgis,I can't understand how a man or woman for that matter could talk about the person they are with children in that type of manner,I feel like I am with a killer,such a nasty nasty man,he would face his troubles in life and I would be long gone.

I needed emotional support from him and instead he degrade my motherhood and my Childs lack of responsibility and turned it in to a big thing and I already dealt with the situation.who is the fu-k up!!! I think that his life was all about fu-k ups that he was just looking for someone else to blame for (his)mistakes.If it was any different,his (own) Mother would have never stayed sooo far away from him.

lovehurts.

Me too....

Dear Friend,

I too had a bad weekend.  My husband and I were married this year, but have been together 5 yrs.  We have a 2.5 yr old together and he has 2 children from a previous marriage.  This year he was diagnosed ADHD and is on meds for the AD part.  I am unsure if it helps with the HD part. 

This weekend he went crazy on his 8 yr old son because the shower curtain was not shut and water was leaking downstairs.  The exact same thing my mother did the week before.  He ripped the door open, exposing his son naked to me and his sister, hitting him in the back of the head calling him stupid.  His son escaped as I interjected myself in the doorway screaming, "Calm down!  What is wrong with you!"  His son locked himself in the laundry room.  He told me not to get involved, it was his son.  Then he told me he didn't want to join us for breakfast with Santa.

That night, he asked if I wanted to go to confession with him.  I said, "No, our 2 yr old was sick."  He said, "Don't you want to confess getting your knees dirty on the business trip you took last week"  I don't know if I was more shocked he said something hurtful, or that he said it.  He frequently accuses me of cheating on him.

Sunday, he was again in a terrible mood.  His 14 yr old daughter was trying to stop the 2.5 yr old from running.  He took his towel and whipped across her shoulder and face screaming, "Don't do that"  Again, I interjected for the children and received the same response.  He came to the bedroom screaming at me.  Summarizing, he regrets marrying me, he hates that all he does is spend money and work on the house, and he wants out.  I was so exhausted, I replied, "There is the door. And honestly, you are not the man I married and I really can't be around you when you are like this" 

Secretively, a sense of peace came over me realizing it could be just me and my son.  Painfully, I know what divorce can do to kids and felt awful.  I slept in my son's room last night on the spare bed.

Today, I woke up this morning, not saying more then one word which will probably last days and perhaps escalate to him moving out.  It's times like this, I do want to give up  but I agree with others...this is "In Sickness and in Health"

RE:Excel,

In sickness and in health is a very true saying I believe in,unfortunately,I have been more sick than healthy.Over the weekend my husband told me that he is sick of me and my kids and that he would never ever be with someone with kids(AGAIN).I told him how can you say such a hurtful thing when you have two kids of your own and he says to me that he has none because they live in a different country.I am dumb stricken by this behavior.I feel so alone and have no one to turn to.All my friends and family would tell me to leave him,but it is sooo difficult to do and I don't know why???? any other relationship before this one was easy for me,well the last one I was in was easier because I met him and was already out and then we started our relationship.

What is it with kids that is so intolerable for my husband that he can't stand to be around my kids let alone his kids and any kids for that matter.It is a total shame to know that his heart is made of stone and his life is build around high beams.I am ashamed to be around him any further.Another thing that I have began to encounter recently with him, is him bad mouthing me around to everyone I know and everyone he knows.I feel so ashamed to go out with his friends or my friends because they know ALL our business and he points all the wrong fingers at me when it is mostly him that is wrong and I am sticking to the end of the bargain in this relationship while he runs off saying any thing that comes out his mouth.

My husband use to accuse me of cheating a lot earlier on this year in the month of April,I found the to be odd,every out fit I wore was a problem,if I had on make up and red lipstick it was a cheating habit I was starTing to have.I became suspicious later down in the year when he totally stopped accusing me of cheating and I did some investigation of my own,turns out he cheated on me once in that same month he was accusing me and it was only 5 months after I realized it.I was not shock at all.

Don't live by that saying in sickness and in health,this health and this sickness is different compare to the sickness and health they refer too.This is way more advance than that,if we need to move on with our lives rather than being abused then we really should.I have my time plan out and I am doing it for the new year.two years of abuse is enough for me to endure,I cannot take any more,or I will end up having metal issues myself.

I wish you all the best.

lovehurts.

No choice

I have spent 18 years with my ADHD husband making excuses for his anger and aggression to me and the kids not to mention all the many other issues.  I am strong and capable so just took over all responsibilities with the house and kids. Because I do love him and want a stable home life for the kids I know I have endured way more than I should. I let go of the anger and I know why things are as they are but if he won't take charge of his ADHD I know nothing will ever change.I asked him to leave hoping he'd see sense and try to address his issues but nothing has changed. With him out of the home though our lives are so much more calm and the kids are happier and so am I. It is very sad but sometimes it's the only answer. I deserve a life too and hope to one day meet somone to give me the support I never had. 

NOT "In Sickness and in Health"

Ladies, both of you are married to abusers. Plain and simple.

Lovehurts, you are with a man who is sucking the life out of you. He's emotionally and verbally abusive. He is nothing more than an adolescent child who breaks things (relationships, in this case) when he doesn't get his way. He is a narcissist, through and through. I can't remember if he has been formally diagnosed with ADHD, or if you just suspect he is, but honestly, I don't see the ADHD. I just see a cruel person who lacks empathy and uses every excuse in the book to make his problems someone else's problems. He doesn't respect you or your children. I would definitely draw the line if I was with a man who called my child a "f--k up". The audacity of him to say that your son should show you he loves you and not tell you. Pot meet kettle.

Excel, you need to get away from this man immediately. Best case, he's a bully, worst case, he is physically abusing his kids and it will only be a matter of time before he turns on you and your child too. I'm sure that he thinks it is all copasetic because he goes and confesses his misdeeds. But it's not. God does sanction divorce for physical cruelty. He would not have you stay in a marriage where your life and the life of your child's is threatened. When you go leave, you need to inform someone that he is abusing his kids. He does not need to be anywhere near them until he gets some help. He doesn't need to be anywhere near you, for that matter.

Ladies, stay strong and believe me that I NEVER counsel divorce lightly. There's a big difference in walking out because he doesn't do the dishes or help around the house, and walking out because he is being verbally, physically, and/or emotionally abusive.

so right

Lovehurts and Excel, 

Seriously. Listen to me. Dazed is right. This is not "In Sickness and In Health" you have here. I work with a lady whose husband degenerated from a disease for years. She took care of him, even when it cost her own health and he needed diapers. A family member stood by her alcoholic husband when he committed to sobriety and began attending AA meetings after 20 years of drinking. THAT is in sickness and in health. 

You two are absolutely married to abusive men, and they are not only abusing you, they are abusive to your children. In my state, "Cruel and Inhuman Treatment" is one of the four fault grounds for divorce, which is because, even the state does not think you should have to be married to an abusive person. I have lived it, and I know. My STBX is smart, funny, charismatic, and has abusive anger problems that cannot be explained away or excused. I was afraid to end a marriage, afraid to be alone, afraid to be broke, and mostly, afraid to confront what had been going on. I excused it by calling it ADHD, I tried to change him, I got upset, and angry, and crushed. I tried to walk on eggshells so I wouldn't "set him off." I was being sucked in each time, hoping that if he would behave differently, it would prove he loved me, or hoping I wouldn't have to confront it. I started shutting down, and "spacing out" when it would happen. I started internalizing his accusations that it was my fault, that I provoked him (another thing abusers say). And then, one day, I realized that I had been being abused for years, and that I was just a shell of a person. I read something that said that children learn how to behave by watching their parents. My little boys were learning how to be men by watching him scream, break things, call me names, belittle me, and punch holes in the wall. And I was letting it happen. 

That was it. I found an attorney the next day. When he wouldn't leave our house, I took our children and moved into an apartment. 

It has been so peaceful. I can't believe I put up with that cr*p for so long. Even though it was directed only at me, my children saw it, and I can't believe I let it happen to them. So, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Or are you going to wait until your spouse punches someone in the face, or beats them up, or throws them into a wall, or kills them? At the very least, do some research. Google "spousal abuse, domestic abuse, verbal and emotional abuse--" it is a real eye opener. I woke up today and thought, "I get to have a life." If you think that you deserve this, or that you won't be able to do better, or you aren't strong enough to leave--look at your children. 

Last Night...

So for the entire week, my husband has left his wedding band on top of baby Jesus on our Nativity.  His symbolic hurtful response at me. 

He was in a snarky mood last night, and says "So are we going to have sex before end of the world?"  I said, "No, you still haven't apologized from our last fight.  Last you told me is you wanted Divorce, and you were unhappy and made the worst decision ever by marrying me."  He replied, "I am unhappy because you never have sex with me and don't listen"  He again, accused me of cheating which I said I would never.  He then tells me, he has been cheating on me and I deserve it because I do not have enough sex with him.  We go in circles, I ask who?  Then, I tell him to get out of the house.  I stood their crossing my arms waiting for him to leave.  He comes up stairs trying to say, "Sorry, it didn't work out (trying to get me to cry). You know I didn't cheat on you, you just don't LISTEN to my needs.  So I made it up... to get you mad and get you to change." 

Thinking in my head, "So you said you cheated on me, to get me to have more sex with you.  How, does this make sense?"

Again, "Please, get out!  Go to your mistress or go to a hotel."  (I am quite sure he hasn't been cheating on me.  He likes to tell ridiculous stories/lies.  Whatever way, he can make me very upset.)  He wanted to talk, but I told him the only people I'll talk to is a lawyer and therapist.

After a restless night, I had to wake up our 2 yr old son at 6 AM, who usually sleeps til 7:30 AM and drop him off at school.  He wouldn't stop holding me.  By the time I made it to work, I was an hour late.  Tears are filled in my eyes today.  Thank you for support, it gives the courage, I am making the right decisions.

I guess I am not a doctor, but what happens if someone cold turkey stops taking their meds?

How hurtful to say that, then

How hurtful to say that, then say he lied just to get you mad...how manipulative and crazy is that.   Good for you for telling him to leave.

What type of meds are you asking about stopping cold turkey ?   Not taking meds cold turkey is something my H does All the time...so maybe its not actually stopping, but never starting..I don't know...he takes an ADHD med and an anti-depressant. he will maybe take them for 4 day then forget two, then maybe take them for a couple weeks and stop for a couple weeks...its very frustrating for me.  Its sort of like a rollar coaster, his moods are all over the place, somewhat calm and normal when he is on them, and totally irrational and short tempered when he stops, especially the first two days after not taking then....then it sort of levels off and he is only mildly an ADD-hole. (thanks PB, love the term). He admits he is more focused when he takes them, but does recognize that when he doesn't he is miserable to be near..its everyones fault for doing something that pisses him off.  It amazes me how someone can be so un-self aware of their own behavior.

good Luck to you.

dazed,drawing the line is past gone,

I should have drawn the line many moons ago with this man.I am being abused and I know this.I am not going to stay with this man.It's just a matter of time now before I leave for good.

abusing me is one thing,but after hearing him talk about my kids the way he do,I realize that this is not love and this is about sex all this time.His needs and his desires is all that matters,his career and his his his everything is the world and I am just an obstacle in his way because he can't have his way with me.

Today he wanted me to go to work with him,I thought it was to spend extra time with me,after realizing what he really wants he is a sick individual and needs a lot of help and I am not the one to do that,After many screw ups in his life,I don't want to be around seeing him screw up the rest of his life.I have to be away from this man that thinks he is a man but only a fool in every one else eyes.He wants me under his wings and I must not have my own life.He is very senseless and selfish,what a wicked cruel inhuman being....

lovehurts.

Pbartender's picture

I'm right there with you,

I'm right there with you, girls...  Could it be a coincidence that the Mayan "apocalypse" just happened to fall on the same day that I picked up the first draft of the divorce papers from my attorney?

 

Pb.

Xmas is done now.

After the holidays I seek separation from the man I thought that would have supported me and love me for the rest of my life.I thought thought thought thought,what a waste of 2 years of my life.Hoping the rest of my days nights years life are spent in happiness peace and love,togetherness and love.Looking forward to this new year 2013!! god bless all of you and make your dreams come through in goodness and in health piety and gods strength.I wish it more for my self,for I have been in a very suffering relationship and hope to be out soon and sooner than ever.I love my self more than any man I have ever been with and I intend to spend this year in gods speed and with loving caring humans,NOT monsters from hell!!!!!.

lovehurts.

Good for you, lovehurts. I'm

Good for you, lovehurts. I'm glad you followed through. I would definitely suggest seeking some counseling for yourself. You will need to talk about these momentous events and prepare yourself for life after this guy. And when the time comes, pick a guy that loves you AND your children. No self-respecting man will give you hell about your kids and refuse to live with you.

I wish you a peaceful and happy new year.