6 years ago, when my frustrations reached a boiling point in our marraige, I urged us to start seeing a therapist. The issues, for me, were related to distraction, avoidance, inconsistency, reactivity, unreliability... in retrospect what I know know is the spectrum of ADHD behaviors. I wasn't fully aware of ADHD at the time but I brought it up in therapy but it was shot down by the MC and my H. The MC wanted to help us communicate better. My H said that he didn't want to be labeled and wanted me to take more blame for our problems. Yes, in retrospect, I was very, very angry. Demeaning and parentified. I wish we had Melissa Orlov's book at the time because it totally spells out our relationship. I finally admitted that our MC was clueless and left her 3 months ago. We just started with a new one but I am worried that he might dismiss the ADHD.
Well, 2 1/2 years ago, my H had an affair. I am still devastated, primarily because his shame and self loathing has kept him from taking responsibility and processing my pain with me. He wants to blame me. His lack of follow through on promises to work on the affair recovery together (read books, scheduled talk sessions) and his overall avoidance of dealing with the fall out, has made me feel hopeless that I can move on WITH him. My individual counselor was the one who suggested ADHD and I just read the ADHD Effect on Marraige. It is now clear to me that ADHD is one of the major the underlying issues in the marraige, the affair, and our failed recovery. I am so frustrated because he doesn't want to consider ADHD (he kind of acknowledges it but doesn't comprehend how much of an effect it has on our relationship). To his credit, he does see an individual counselor and goes to Sex and Love Addicts groups (I think the underlying issue with the addiction, though, is the ADHD; I also think the 12 step is harming our marraige by his assumption that I must be codependent if he is an addict. Though he has addictive tendencies, I dont' think he is an "Addict.").
But I am at my wits end because I don't think we will heal our marraige if we don't deal with ADHD. I mentioned the book and told him how it asks us both to own our pieces, that it isn't about blaming him. But he doesn't seem to buy it.
In the mean time, he feels accused and blows up at me when I talk about my grief and pain. When I talk about what happened and what I need to heal. He feels "blamed." Except I am very careful to not blame and to use I statements, and own my feelings. But it triggers such inadequacy in him that he can't tolerate acknowledging his mistakes.My therapist says that he wants to put some of the feelings of shame on to me because he can't tolerate how bad he feels. But if we can't move on from that, we are not going to recover our marraige. I have pulled away emotionally and sexually because the rejection hurts me so much, which of course, leads him further into shame and feeling punished. But I am detaching because it is too painful to try to reach out for understanding and to be berated.
I am trying to work on respectful communication, processing my hurt and anger, and finding joy, purpose, and fullfillment elsewhere in my life. But honestly, I think the more I get myself together, and hold up boundaries, the more resentful and hostile he becomes. I don't know what to do anymore. Should i just pull the trigger on a divorce?
"Well, 2 1/2 years ago, my H
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Well, 2 1/2 years ago, my H had an affair. I am still devastated, primarily because his shame and self loathing has kept him from taking responsibility and processing my pain with me. He wants to blame me. His lack of follow through on promises to work on the affair recovery together (read books, scheduled talk sessions) and his overall avoidance of dealing with the fall out, has made me feel hopeless that I can move on WITH him. "
This is EXACTLY what my ADHD husband did with me. He had his 3 year affair 10 years ago,(with a girl 30 years younger than us) and he also absolutely REFUSED to talk about it, admit it OR deal with it in any way. He did go to a psychiatrist for 2 years, who diagnosed him with the ADHD. But, the psychiatrist didn't give him ANY useful information on how to help heal our relationship or ANYTHING. I KNEW he was having an affair, because all the major symptoms were there, and it was so obvious a blind person could have seen it. But, since I had no tangible PROOF, he wouldn't own up to it. Even the psychiatrist told him "not to tell me" if I didn't know for sure and didn't have proof. I think that was REALLY CRAPPY advice from a psychiatrist. Anyway, I DID find out about it, when I went in his e-mail and copied a letter the other "girl" had written him, which detailed their affair, in quite some DETAIL.
The ONLY way my husband wanted to deal with it was to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, and he also wouldn't CALL it an "affair" or "cheating'. He STILL only refers to it as a "mistake". He too, only got angry if and when I brought it up, and he acted SO ANGRY and hateful, like I was the one who cheated. We were apart for 2 years. At first, it was because he got a new job, and we had to move to another state. He moved FIRST, and I had to stay behind and sell the old house. But, then he didn't want me to come to our NEW house, because he was involved with the other woman. Finally, after 2 years, we got back together, and he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to try to repair any damage that had been done.
I wasn't trying to heap tons of blame on HIM. I wanted to find out what HAPPENED, how did we GET to this place, and HOW could we fix whatever needed fixing, and go on from here?
I tried talking to him and telling him how I felt, and that we NEEDED to work together to find out WHY, and work out some new strategies in life. He wouldn't DO IT. The whole thing caused me such pain and heartache, I thought my soul was breaking in half. There are NO WORDS to describe the pain and the gut wrenching feelings that come with knowing your husband is in an affair with another woman. IT'S DEVASTATING.
It's been ten years, but things haven't gotten any better, in fact NOW, they've gotten worse. BECAUSE, he wouldn't do any work to help change what was broken, I NEVER FULLY HEALED. About 2 years ago, he got really angry at me, and told me "I don't feel loved any more". which shocked me to no end. He was really angry at me and told me "You've NEVER FORGIVEN ME FOR WHAT HAPPENED".................At THAT POINT......I was the one who got really angry, and said, "I HAVE forgiven you, otherwise I wouldn't even BE HERE right now". But, he wanted the same level of attention and affection that I used to give him BEFORE he had his affair, which I just COULDN'T DO. He missed all the attention and affection I gave him before. This ALSO PUZZLED ME, because I WAS VERY AFFECTION TO HIM....ALWAYS. But, he wasn't affection BACK TO ME. He was the one who wouldn't give hugs, and kisses, and attention, and whisper things in my ear, (so to speak). Talk about SELFISH. How could I just throw myself back in his arms and act like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED? But, this is what he wanted me to do. IT IS NUTS.
Anyway, last week, he now confessed to me that he's always (our entire marriage) been in love with his old college girlfriend, and that SHE was his first LOVE. He was "in love" with her, and he never GOT OVER HER. Well, this answers a LOT OF QUESTIONS for me. The ADHD has been a total nightmare to live with, because MOST of our marriage, he wasn't diagnosed and not on any meds or behavior therapy, which drove me to the brink of despair sometimes. Our lives were always in some sort of CHAOS, and he's SUPER HYPERACTIVE, and doesn't stay in one place more than a second.
Anyway, he's also now looking for a new job, and wanting to move AGAIN. I think he is planning to move back to our old state (where his old girlfriend is) and they are making plans. I also think Facebook played a part in this as well. He also confessed that they both "met up" a couple of times over the past 32 years of our marriage, and professed their "LOVE' for each other, and regretted ever breaking up. (To which I was ANGRY) WHO DOES THAT? But, he was trying to make himself LOOK GOOD, because he said "I stayed with you and raised your daughters for you, and TOOK CARE OF YOU", because that was the right thing to do, even if I was in love with the OW. Then I said, '"I didn't want to be TAKEN CARE OF"....."I WANTED TO BE LOVED". He had NO RIGHT to do what he did all these years.
So, now, I've shed my tears, I wracked my brain for 32 years wondering WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Why can't I get my own husband to love me, or care about me, or WHATEVER? Then it all got blamed on the ADHD..........................which in PART IT IS................But, he's got something SERIOUSLY wrong with him spiritually and emotionally to be DOING this to me and our family. Plus, the OW is also married with a grown daughter. I wonder how HER husband and family is going to take this. These two are hurting a LOT of people for their selfishness.
Here, he's taken almost MY WHOLE LIFE, living a LIE with me, and he still wants to feel GOOD about himself for doing that. I can't even believe this. I really thought we could be "one of the special couples, and even though the ADHD was very hard, we could still make it'. I WAS WRONG. He is so stubborn, and I have watched him make so many stupid mistakes over the years, (which he never seems to learn from). I guess this is just one more, only this is hurting LOTS of people.
You said your husband "wouldn't talk about things". I know THAT ONE very well. My ADHD husband absolutely WILL NOT talk about anything difficult with himself, or me, our lives or our marriage. He WILL complain and say what he doesn't LIKE, but he will not OPEN UP, and discuss things. This has caused MAJOR DAMAGE in our lives, and now I know it's beyond repair, because he never will. He hasn't talked in THIS MANY YEARS, so I know he's not going to start now. sad to say.
Anyway, I don't want to send you a "downer" post. I only wanted to tell you, I'm in the same shoes as you, and I'm SORRY you are going through this. Keep posting, because there are SO MANY people here who have great advice, and will share of their lives with you. Hugs to you today.
Hi Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
I would ask how are you but I think that might be and obvious question to ask? I wanted to say something to you that there is no way for you to know right now because it's about the future. By no means am I trying to minimize what you're going through but I as I read what you've said I could hear myself where you are now (in the past for me)and as I read it I thought to myself....... there is something that you can look forward to when all is said and done. I'm not just talking about now in the short term, but from the 32 years that you mentioned and all you have gone through.
This might not be thinking right now but it has to do with strength. Adversity has a side to it that balances the bad or negative sides with something you get from it on the positive side. Sometimes when you're so busy focusing on what is bad or what is wrong that you don't notice the things that are happening that are also good. The good parts are yet to come but not until you process this through and move past it.
I implore you to find your way past this in time. Don't end up holding on to this for too long. Right now it the time to do it and you really have no choice in how badly this make you feel....but someday you will need to move past it. Saying to let it go is not even reasonable. You will never let it go entirely but if you don't get stuck where you are now and allow it to gradually "shrink" from where it is .....it will be so small eventually that is won't be more than a mosquito bite that itches for a brief time and you will forget about it just that quickly.
When that day comes you will know what I mean. You are already a different person from your experiences and all that you have learned will not go to waste in the future I promise you that. You have gained a strength that you don't even realize yet but....you will never realize it and take ownership of it if you can't move past your anger and not get stuck there. I've seen this too many times with people and it always ends up the same. Not good for you!
Thoughts of revenge or retaliation will only serve to keep you in a negative place even if you would never follow through on it. Just thinking it is enough....not that it's not normal for you to think it at times....just don't keep thinking it? You don't have to apologize for being a downer....you deserve a little downer time and that is very good for you to get rid of it and vent it and not hold it in. Like I said....right now is the time....just don't stay there thinking it will always be this way.
What I am trying so hard to say is that you may lose faith or hope at times and this is normal. It's also normal for you not to think much about the future in a positive light but if you make that mistake in your thinking without realizing everything I just said. You'll miss the opportunity to know just how far you've come and just how much strength you have that you have gained and don't even know this yet.
You been climbing that mountain for so long now everything looks uphill to you. But there is a peak and when you reach it....it will be a breeze on the way down the other side. That's the strength and endurance I'm talking about. That's what you get when you have to climb so far up hill for so long.....strength and endurance.
You may think this is just a metaphor and only applies to muscles....but we humans tend to run in the same way for all the other parts of our bodies too....including your character and your brain. Your brain is just another part of your body and is made out of the same stuff.....what you have done is strengthen it through exercising it and all you have gone through.
Anyway....it' good to get it out and move forward. Just don't get stuck here will ya? I just wanted to make sure you don't look forward and think that it's going to be anything like it was before. I guarantee you....it won't if you follow my advise.
I feel pretty strongly in this case....that I know what I'm talking about ( for once lol ) ADHD does pose a few mountains to climb and I've got a few under my belt already:)
Take care...... and just ride this wave out until it runs out of energy....just don't fall off your board until you reach the beach! :)
J