6 years ago, when my frustrations reached a boiling point in our marraige, I urged us to start seeing a therapist. The issues, for me, were related to distraction, avoidance, inconsistency, reactivity, unreliability... in retrospect what I know know is the spectrum of ADHD behaviors. I wasn't fully aware of ADHD at the time but I brought it up in therapy but it was shot down by the MC and my H. The MC wanted to help us communicate better. My H said that he didn't want to be labeled and wanted me to take more blame for our problems. Yes, in retrospect, I was very, very angry. Demeaning and parentified. I wish we had Melissa Orlov's book at the time because it totally spells out our relationship. I finally admitted that our MC was clueless and left her 3 months ago. We just started with a new one but I am worried that he might dismiss the ADHD.
Well, 2 1/2 years ago, my H had an affair. I am still devastated, primarily because his shame and self loathing has kept him from taking responsibility and processing my pain with me. He wants to blame me. His lack of follow through on promises to work on the affair recovery together (read books, scheduled talk sessions) and his overall avoidance of dealing with the fall out, has made me feel hopeless that I can move on WITH him. My individual counselor was the one who suggested ADHD and I just read the ADHD Effect on Marraige. It is now clear to me that ADHD is one of the major the underlying issues in the marraige, the affair, and our failed recovery. I am so frustrated because he doesn't want to consider ADHD (he kind of acknowledges it but doesn't comprehend how much of an effect it has on our relationship). To his credit, he does see an individual counselor and goes to Sex and Love Addicts groups (I think the underlying issue with the addiction, though, is the ADHD; I also think the 12 step is harming our marraige by his assumption that I must be codependent if he is an addict. Though he has addictive tendencies, I dont' think he is an "Addict.").
But I am at my wits end because I don't think we will heal our marraige if we don't deal with ADHD. I mentioned the book and told him how it asks us both to own our pieces, that it isn't about blaming him. But he doesn't seem to buy it.
In the mean time, he feels accused and blows up at me when I talk about my grief and pain. When I talk about what happened and what I need to heal. He feels "blamed." Except I am very careful to not blame and to use I statements, and own my feelings. But it triggers such inadequacy in him that he can't tolerate acknowledging his mistakes.My therapist says that he wants to put some of the feelings of shame on to me because he can't tolerate how bad he feels. But if we can't move on from that, we are not going to recover our marraige. I have pulled away emotionally and sexually because the rejection hurts me so much, which of course, leads him further into shame and feeling punished. But I am detaching because it is too painful to try to reach out for understanding and to be berated.
I am trying to work on respectful communication, processing my hurt and anger, and finding joy, purpose, and fullfillment elsewhere in my life. But honestly, I think the more I get myself together, and hold up boundaries, the more resentful and hostile he becomes. I don't know what to do anymore. Should i just pull the trigger on a divorce?