I just discovered this forum after reading the book. After struggling for 20+ yrs in marriage and raising my son with ADD, I'm really really worn out! Many days I just want to run away and start over. Things came to a head last fall when my husband forgot our anniversary. In counseling, a lot of attention has been on my tendency to feel lonely and insecure, as a result of childhood experiences, but I have had this nagging feeling like we weren't getting at the real issues. My therapist recommended this book to me, and OMG, this is my life! It described my experience in my marriage so well. My husband has many wonderful qualities, but he really lacks follow-through and forgets a lot. Over the years he has improved his ability to pay attention to me when we are talking, but it waxes and wanes. He doesn't have a formal ADD diagnosis, but I;m hoping he will seek one out in the near future.
I am the mother of 3 kids. My teenage son has ADD and is taking medication for it. He's really struggling emotionally and academically though, so we are thinking of changing that up and I'd love to see him embrace more strategies to help him stay organized, but he is always very resistant . My daughter has a lot of anxiety and is newly diagnosed with OCD. Thankfully, my 3rd child is much easier to parent. I've got a lot on my plate.
One thing I'm struggling with right now, and perhaps amplified after reading the book, is that I don't like myself right now and especially don't like the role I play in this family. I feel like I'm always the stick in the mud, trying to keep it all together and everyone on track. I am very worried for my son and daughter's future and have been trying so hard for years to help them and my efforts feel unappreciated and in vain. It is lonely being the worried parent while my husband says "it will all be fine". Some days I really just want to give up and run away. My husband has a more relaxed attitude, which means the kids respond better to him. My daughter is literally pulling her hair out now, and my son was considering suicide, so I don't think this is the sort of thing that we can put off and ignore. I'm so tired of being the parent who does all the worrying, scheduling and planning. I realize now that I am angry and I am resentful. Even when he is helping (at my direction), I feel resentful that I have to direct him, or I feel like I shouldn't have to be grateful because he should be doing it anyway. I guess I am also resentful that he needs the ego stroking for doing what he should be doing anyhow and wouldn't be doing if I hadn't reminded him or alerted him to do it. I'm always resentful of the kids who are not trying to improve their situation and push away my attempts to help them. This really feels like a no win situation for me. I want to have my own life (think about me for a change and go back to work), but I worry that my family will fall apart if I let go of the reins.
Internet hugs and external
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Internet hugs and external validation
I can relate to what you wrote on so many levels. Many of the sentences that you wrote are identical to my life. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to fix the situation. I can’t offer you any life changing words of wisdom. I can only commiserate with you and offer you a shoulder to cry on.
My son (adhd/odd) just graduated from high school. The thing that I’ve come to know with absolute certainty, is that things will never go according to plan with my son. There will never be calm or routine, only chaos and disruption. I could go on for hours listing all the times that I’ve scrambled to get him through a last minute crisis or all the times that I just scratch my head in confusion and try to figure out what went wrong in a certain situation. The chaos is never ending and nonstop. The voice inside my head keeps repeating, “I just want it to be over.”
He’s supposed to be leaving for college in the fall (600 miles from home). As a mother, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m counting the minutes until he’s gone. I so so so desperately want the chaos to be over. At least, I want the chaos to be 600 miles away and not come home very often. That’s what mental illness and dysfunction do to a family. They make a mother not want her own son.
Im sharing this with you so you won’t feel guilty if you have these kinds of negative thoughts or feelings. It’s impossible to be surrounded by and be responsible for mental illness and not want to escape. Forgive yourself.
Thank you for internet hugs
Submitted by wifeandmomofadd on
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. Congratulations on your son going off to college! I hope it will be great for both of you. I can definitely relate to you looking forward to this next transition I've heard many parents of hs seniors say they can't wait till their kid is out of the house because the last few years were so bad. In some ways it is biological. Teens push parents away and so it's finally a relief for the parents when they go.
I am looking forward to and dreading the day my kids leave for college. My older 2 kids are twins and have only a few days left to complete their freshman year. It feels like we are crawling to the finish line. I can only hope they mature over the summer. What a tough year. Their performance and attitude this year makes me worry that they will never go to college, and if they do, they won't be able to cope on their own. I keep telling them they can't live with me though. Not sure if that just adds more stress, I hope it is a wake up call to them to get their lives in order. What's more frustrating is that they are smart and should be able to do this. I worry for their wasted potential.
As I was reading your post, I
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
As I was reading your post, I had to check the date to make sure this wasn't something I had previously posted. My husband was diagnosed at age 6 with ADHD, but refused to take medication and that was that. I'm convinced he's 32 and living with adult ADHD, but because he doesn't acknowledge or believe that we go around in circles with no end in sight. Our 12 year old son has learned a multitude of negative behaviors from him and just started counseling last week. Like you and the other commenter, I'm the one managing the chaos and being the stick in the mud who has to remind everyone that the "day to day" mundane stuff has to be done whether they like it or not. I've also come to not like myself and am not one bit hopeful when I look toward the future. The best part is, when you constantly have to remind someone what needs to be done for your own sanity, they call you a nag and a control freak and complain that you don't respect them or appreciate anything that the do (or at least in my situation). I'm currently on day two of being ignored because I asked my husband to "be nicer to the kids when you punish them." He is angry and mean and cusses at our 4 year old and when I point that out world war 3 ensues because I've now undermined him in front of the children. (never mind my feelings) This anger has spilled over more than a few times to my son, who has also threatened suicide.
My situation is a tad different than yours because I have to manage all this while working 40 hours a week. Everyday I think about quitting, but because my husband is not currently working a "normal" job, that would mean we would lose our health benefits and I would go back to worrying how our bills would get paid (before I started this job last summer we racked up about $6000 in credit card debt because he had just stopped working). I am also resentful at the ego stroking that needs to be given everyday (if he washes a dish while I'm at work he should get a trophy) and if I point out that he really could do a lot more during the 8 hours a day that I'm gone, then we're back to arguing about how I think I do everything and don't appreciate anything that he does. Oy.
Anyway, I really didn't mean to make this all about me. I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone and your feelings are completely valid. There doesn't seem to be any way for us to win. As much as I would love to go back to being a SAHM, I am thankful for my job and getting to interact with other adults during the day. It's nice to be acknowledged and appreciated for the effort that I put in here too. Maybe a part time job would be good for you? At the end of the day, this is also your life and you are a human being, and you shouldn't have to wake up one day realizing that you spent your entire life managing your family. You deserve much more than that. I wish you all the best!
Thank you
Submitted by wifeandmomofadd on
Hi,
THank you for your reply. It helps to know this isn't just me.
Yes the ego stroking is annoying. Not sure why it annoys me so much. Maybe things would go better if I did more of that.
It must be hard for you to manage everything while working full time. I've worked on and off over the years, and that probably makes the division of labor even harder on my end, since our routine has not be consistent. My husband is usually willing to help, just not always reliable and hasn't had as much experience with it.
Hope you are out of the dog house soon.
HI Wife and Mom....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's difficult to not worry about those you love....The reason you want your own life is because you have forfeited it....And deep down you realize it....I'm not saying your husband is in the right state of mind...But you sure aren't....I think somewhere in between would be better for you.....And I think you know it....What happens to us when our children are struggling (even self inflicted, like most struggles are) is we want to FIX it...So we love them, and we continue to point it out...We end up making it worse by enabling them....Then when someone point's that out to us....We blurt out justification statements, like (not saying u do this)..THERE MY KIDS!!...So we excuse our self for our control and worry and our attitude just ends up sucking (not fit to be around)....And just like you have found out, we end up getting trapped in a painful place...And even worse, we call ourself a bad parent, if we stepped back and stopped worrying so much....But, I can tell you for sure, you are damaging your health (mental, emotional and physical) and you are not allowing the children to learn and grow through their own painful lessons.....My Mom passed away at age 83 a couple of years ago....My Brother (alcoholic) is pretty much an invalid because of her loving efforts (enablement).....
I know it's a hard place.....I'm no expert at it....I'm a lot lke my Mom....After she died, my brother turned to me....I helped him as long as he was helping his self, but we haven't seen each other in close to a year....Just spoke on the phone...(He was mad at me) some lately....I just decide to let him sink or swim, my love for him want save him from the life he has chosen....I can and do pray for him....And I'm going to pray for you tonight also....
Blessings
c