I open the frig and I see bread and cheese, juice, some sliced meats, eggs, butter, and milk. The cupboards.. soups and oats, tuna and peanut butter, the freeze... Fish and veggies. Not alot, but enough... with options.
He looks and sees: "I have no food."
Now there are 3 different meats, boxed desserts, freeze bulging with pizzas, and some exotic coffee for me. I like plain coffee, but what does that matter, it looked cool on the shelf.
What does it matter?
Appearances bring calm and a semblance of normalcy.
I stopped cooking ages ago because he only wants his Favorites. He will Say: "I like everything you make" to maintain the illusion. In reality, much is wasted. So I opted out and open a can of soup or hard boil some eggs for lunches. Some folks should not be allowed into a Sam's club. Anyone want a 25 pound sack of rice?
This particular self-soothing method is revolting to me at several levels.
1) So much waste!
2) Too much money spent unnecessarily.
3) I am a minimalist and find it frustrating to have anything too jam-packed.
4) Beneath it all is the lie - that because there is all this stuff, anything good or useful will come out of it.
We live a mile from a grocery shop. There was no need.
Boredom, lack of impulse control, childish cravings indulged..
and i did not even get the pleasure of opening " my " can of coffee. He did. He does not even drink coffee.
10 days of good rest, in another room, freed from his constant stream of self expression.
I am returning to myself and seeing more clearly all of the many ways in which I have been invisible and irrelevant to him, all along.